User Tag List

Results 1 to 8 of 8

  1. #1
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    MBTI
    INTJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sx/sp
    Socionics
    ILI Ni
    Posts
    17,889

    Default INFJ and INFP Relationships

    What do you think about relationships between INFPs and INFJs? The focus of this is really on romantic relationships but it also makes sense to discuss your experience in situations where these two types interact in a significant way – such as friendship, at work, etc.

    When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
    - How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
    - Why are they attracted to each other?
    - How to they compliment each other?
    - How well do they understand each other and why?
    - What are they like together raising children?

    When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
    - What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
    - What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
    - How can they take each other for granted?
    - What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?

    Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
    - What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
    - What advice do you have for each of the two types?
    - If you are an INFP, what advice do you have for the INFJs?
    - If you are an INFJ, what advice would you have for the INFPs?

    Please provide feedback on my Nohari and Johari Window by clicking here: Nohari/Johari

    Tri-type 639

  2. #2
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    2,629

    Default

    Subscribed and bookmarked. Will have a good think about this before replying!
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  3. #3
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    2,629

    Default

    This is based on my experience with INFP SO. We've been together for 6 years. He's 9(w1?) and I'm 4w5. I'll try to keep every answer short so as to avoid rambling walls of text, but please feel free to ask for more clarifications.


    When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
    - How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
    I think they can be very compatible, as long as they share compatible values and life goals. Both types have strongly-held beliefs which tie directly into their perception of the self, so any change to those will be difficult, especially with the inherent difference in communication between the two types, which tend to need a lot of adjusting on both parties. However, I think that being idealists, both types will already share somewhat similar values in the beginning, making it easier.


    - Why are they attracted to each other?
    Both types are acutely aware of and fully respect each other's inner space. The INF inner realm is sacred to the owner, and both types realize and appreciate this fact. When they find each other sometimes it can feel like finding a secure sanctuary of 'us' against the rest of the busy, complicated world, that neither truly understands and is comfortable in.


    - How to they complement each other?
    To put it simply, the J can give the P a bit of a direction, and the P teaches the J to slow down and enjoy the journey. This is a bit unnatural for both parties, but success in doing so will open up a richer, more fulfilling world for both. A lot of communication is needed though and communication must be open and honest.


    - How well do they understand each other and why?
    This is a strange one. I've said it many times before and I'll say it again here: as an INFJ, looking at an INFP is like looking in my mirror image. There's that comforting sense of similarity, but when you look closely everything is the total opposite, so the other party ends up being both familiar and foreign at the same time. INFPs and INFJs often arrive at the same conclusion, through different ways, and as long as they can both look at the destination and not the method, they will find it easier to settle arguments.


    - What are they like together raising children?
    No idea on this one!



    When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
    - What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
    Fi seems to have a thing about maintaining autonomy, while Fe seeks teamwork. This can prove to be a big challenge in communication. For Fi, the Fe give-and-take approach usually feels manipulative and obtrusive, and for Fe, the Fi everyone-is-free approach usually feels selfish and uncommitted. The funny thing is that both parties usually want the same thing, but the way they go about it is completely different. The worst thing is, the other party's approach will often seem completely wrong to you, even if the outcome is the same, so you can both get stuck in arguing about 'why your thinking is so messed up', which can get very ugly and will only escalate conflicts.


    - What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
    Forgetting how different your approaches are and forgetting to tune your communication accordingly. Then you end up fighting over the smallest, silliest things, and when it goes down to the minute interpretation of everything, it will get really messy.

    One thing I will share is that since your thought processes are so different, you will never actually be 'right' or 'wrong' about anything. It might be a good idea to realize this from the beginning. All you can do is realize that something is hurtful to the other party and respect that, even when you don't understand why. Then you learn not to hurt each other's feelings.


    - How can they take each other for granted?
    I don't think they have the tendency to take each other for granted, because feelings are of great value, and both types can sense that something is wrong almost immediately. As long as you keep open communication and discuss feelings immediately and don't hold secret grudges, things will be all right.


    - What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?
    Both types can be extremely stubborn. They both need to hold true to their values as this is a great part of their identity. So when you start to go down the 'who is right/wrong' route, things will only get worse. There is no right and wrong. You're operating in completely different modes of judgment, so you can never arrive at that. If neither sees it and tries to put the right/wrong value to any conflict, it can blow up way out of proportions and bring out all your differences. Then the foreign internal landscape that you glimpse in the other person will scare you and shake your trust, and you feel that there's this uncrossable abyss between you and you give up.



    Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
    - What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
    Both types: try never to lash out. Both of you are susceptible to bad atmosphere and extremely touchy about word choice and tone of voice. Come up with 'safe' sessions where you agree to discuss things calmly, try not to take things personally, lay no blame and assume no intentions, and, of course, agree to not judge.

    Again, establish that no one is ever wrong in any argument. Apologize for hurting each other's feelings, learn and move on.

    - What advice do you have for each of the two types?
    INFJ: give your INFP a lot of space. Don't try to fix everything (most of the time there's nothing wrong -- especially when the INFP is moody -- just let them be. It's not your fault and you can't fix it)

    INFP: ask directly for things you want (in a tactful manner -- usually when it comes to this the INFP has already built up so much grudge and it comes out in full Te mode, which the INFJ does not take very well)


    The most important starting point:
    I read somewhere about the pitfalls of these two types that "the other's viewpoint/approach will always seem inferior to yours". This is the WRONG way to go about it. If you ever feel this, the relationship falls apart. Trust. Your INFX's inner world is as beautiful and pristine as yours. Respect it. Appreciate it. There are wonderful, refreshing things to see from their point of view.
    4w5 sp/sx EII

  4. #4
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    isfp
    Enneagram
    4w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    8,586

    Default

    On a personal level, it works really well between me and my sister. Our discussions are the absolute best about philosophy, aesthetics, meaning, compassion, etc. We agree on every principle, but tend to organize thoughts differently.

    This pairing can work really well, but I think it requires a longer time to build trust because there is possibility for misunderstanding. From close and more distant Fi-dom friends, I have sometimes felt wrongfully judged, and in my impression it is because the Fi-Si inner world has a certainty about experience and ideals that can tend to project these onto current scenarios. That loop can pre-judge and project, and when given to imagination, can come up with some ideas that diverge far from reality.

    It is true that Ni can diverge from reality, but the Ni-Ti loop tends to do it in a very impersonal manner, more akin to true "insanity". If I lose it to stress pressure, I'm not going to imagine my sister into being something she isn't, but I might become afraid that the aliens really are going to invade earth. :oP My depression and negative assumptions tend to be very global, even when experienced in a personal context. For example, in my current relationship when I feel hurt and fear, I don't make any assumptions about my partner's character, but instead fall into this global depression about the limits of humanity's ability for love and trust, etc. I think a Fi-Si loop can misunderstand these globally dark ideas as personal and individual.

    I tend to feel like making a negative personal assumption about motives is the most painful thing, so when personally loved INFPs have done that to me, it knocks the wind out of me, especially because I know they are the kindness people on earth. It leaves me in a really dark place because I don't think the motives are bad, but even the best motives can't stop acts of pain.

    When there is enough time and trust, this misunderstanding and personal judgment/projection can be quelled. There can't be any jealousy on the part of either, or there is zero hope of a painless interaction. Jealousy is the Achilles Heel of INF interaction.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

    I want to be just like my mother, even if she is bat-shit crazy.
    Likes 21%, Sarah Brellam liked this post

  5. #5
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    23

    Default

    My ex was an INFP. (I thought I was for ages, but turns out I'm not.) Dating an INFP felt like looking into a mirror. We were very very similar in a lot of ways. Communication was rarely an issue, it felt like we understood each other implicitly. Happy to sit and home and just be. Similar interests, similar habits, similar everything.

    The downsides: We also had the same weaknesses. What I was bad at, he was worse. Both of us were poor at making friends, getting out of the house, doing things. I grew frustrated with his lack of direction and constant dreaming of ideal futures that he would never even attempt to achieve. I am not particularly great at those things, but instead of improving me, he worsened them.

    I am generally a fairly positive, easygoing and daydreamy sort of person, but in reaction to his extremes, I turned negative (nagging, criticising), uptight, overly concerned with the practical implications of his ideas and wished he was more sensible. He avoided. I got confrontational.

    I couldn't relax and be me, because he would take those things and drag me too far down that path into areas that I was no longer comfortable with.

  6. #6
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Posts
    2,629

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by seradane View Post
    My ex was an INFP. (I thought I was for ages, but turns out I'm not.) Dating an INFP felt like looking into a mirror. We were very very similar in a lot of ways. Communication was rarely an issue, it felt like we understood each other implicitly. Happy to sit and home and just be. Similar interests, similar habits, similar everything.

    The downsides: We also had the same weaknesses. What I was bad at, he was worse. Both of us were poor at making friends, getting out of the house, doing things. I grew frustrated with his lack of direction and constant dreaming of ideal futures that he would never even attempt to achieve. I am not particularly great at those things, but instead of improving me, he worsened them.

    I am generally a fairly positive, easygoing and daydreamy sort of person, but in reaction to his extremes, I turned negative (nagging, criticising), uptight, overly concerned with the practical implications of his ideas and wished he was more sensible. He avoided. I got confrontational.

    I couldn't relax and be me, because he would take those things and drag me too far down that path into areas that I was no longer comfortable with.
    I'm sorry it didn't work out. I can totally relate to what you're saying here. Thanks for sharing!
    4w5 sp/sx EII
    Likes seradane liked this post

  7. #7
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    6w7 sx/so
    Socionics
    IEI
    Posts
    8,559

    Default

    +1 on the need for similar (or more accurately, complementary) goals and values. This is absolutely necessary for already stated reasons. In my various interactions (some romantic) with INFJs it has always come down to this and don't expect much different.

    The thing that pulls me to them though is that intellectual discussion can function as a sort of pre-foreplay; and when things light off... I'm amazed it never scares me. I can be me, and she thinks it's hot - what more can I ask for? It's just those values and goals - I can adjust for anything else for that kind of soul blending immolation.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  8. #8
    can't handcuff the wind Z Buck McFate's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    MBTI
    INfJ
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx/sp
    Posts
    3,680

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by fia View Post
    It is true that Ni can diverge from reality, but the Ni-Ti loop tends to do it in a very impersonal manner, more akin to true "insanity". If I lose it to stress pressure, I'm not going to imagine my sister into being something she isn't, but I might become afraid that the aliens really are going to invade earth. :oP My depression and negative assumptions tend to be very global, even when experienced in a personal context. For example, in my current relationship when I feel hurt and fear, I don't make any assumptions about my partner's character, but instead fall into this global depression about the limits of humanity's ability for love and trust, etc. I think a Fi-Si loop can misunderstand these globally dark ideas as personal and individual.
    I completely agree with some of the points in this post (and others in this thread).

    There's something I feel compelled to add, though- I think NiFe is just as likely to err on a personal level when it comes to the difference in how we part from 'shared reality'. I have had INFJs read some very strange things between the lines of what I say, and make petty accusations about me personally that absolutely stun me. There have been a couple of times when it was someone I considered a friend, and it hurts when someone I feel really ought to know me better accuses me of something I would never do- inserting really bizarre *magic messages* between the lines of what I say, without having a clue they are the ones that inserted it. And it's like they can't take responsibility for the hurt they are causing because they are so focused on the hurt incurred by the thing their imagination* inserted into what I did or said, on the disrespect I 'supposedly' dished out first. In the end, it says more about them than it says about me- but it's still really emotionally jarring when someone we've invested a lot of experience in can't give us credit for who we are because of their own issues, regardless of whether it's FiNe or NiFe doing it.

    (It seemed to me like it would be a good idea for an INFJ to show up and say this- that FiNe doesn't superimpose their own emotional junk directly onto other individuals more than NiFe- since there's already so much INFP/INFJ bad juju online.)


    *["Imagination" is perhaps a condescending way to describe it- (eta) the hurt they feel is real, however mistaken about the actual cause of that hurt they may be. I suspect this kind of thing happens either from projection or from residual childhood messages.]
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

    5w4 sx/sp Johari / Nohari
    Likes labyrinthine liked this post

Similar Threads

  1. [INFJ] INFJ and INFP friendship problems
    By Filex in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 09-09-2016, 11:51 PM
  2. [MBTItm] ESTJ and INFP Relationship?
    By TheEmeraldCanopy in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 25
    Last Post: 01-13-2016, 12:24 AM
  3. [NF] Differences between INFJs and INFPs?
    By Curtis24 in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 103
    Last Post: 10-23-2013, 11:58 AM
  4. [ENFP] ENFP and INFP relationship
    By Lotr246 in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 20
    Last Post: 04-29-2013, 03:35 PM
  5. [MBTItm] ISTP and INFP relationship
    By cooliogirly1000 in forum The SP Arthouse (ESFP, ISFP, ESTP, ISTP)
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 10-31-2009, 01:58 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO