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INTJ and INFJ Relationships

Lexicon

Temporal Mechanic
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JINX
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5w6
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sp/sx
I dont think that woukd happen if they shared a life long passion for the same thing. Ni-doms can spend years on a single topic and instead of becoming boring, it becomes more and more exciting as each thread they pull leads to a whole new dimension of discoveries.

This. Yes.
 

Litsnob

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Jan 22, 2016
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To the best of my knowledge I am in a relationship with an INTJ. LOL-that is, I know I am in the relationship and I believe him to be INTJ. We are really well matched and seem to really get each other. I admire his rational thinking and he admires my emotional intelligence but we each consider the other to have plenty of each. Perhaps we are fortunate and are two well balanced and healthy people but we don't encounter communication problems that aren't easily solved. We have a high degree of trust so we just ask each other for clarification if we don't understand the other's intent or meaning and we always assume the best with regards to intent.

We are not raising children together though I think we would do it well.

We both seem to have the same love language. We like affectionate language, physical affection and acts of service best in any order.

As an INFJ I like to understood and valued but I would also imagine that everyone does so I would seek to give that to a partner. I feel understood and valued by my INTJ partner and it is wonderful.
 

htb

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1,505
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INTJ
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1w9
I'm in a very close work relationship, and a growing friendship, with an INFJ.

When it's working — Expectations, predictions, reactions and plans are almost always the same. Not frequently; almost always. We often complete each other's sentences because our technical thought patterns are running parallel. There's virtually no energy spent translating and negotiating a foreign perspective, as would be necessary with another intuitive like an INTP or ENTP. As Enneagram Ones, shared anger in the form of normal work frustrations validates us, whereas with others we'd have to explain ourselves or else keep quiet. Mutual respect for security is understood as familial/collegial rather than practical; we want to look out for each other. Finally, we both value thoroughness and decisiveness, often working independently to overcome office inertia.

When it's not working — Secondary functions clash in more complex situations, and stress leads to ironic contrasts through tertiary functions. Both of us are equally tactful and outspoken, but I will more readily speak plainly and factually in search of clarity through debate, whereas the INFJ will use qualification and diplomatic redundancies to shepherd other parties. Tertiary interactions consist of a suddenly remote, imperious INFJ and a suddenly impressionistic, melancholy INTJ, and aren't of much use. Navigating an INFJ's needs and expectations in a friendship is daunting — sometimes I'm simply thankful to have seen the stark differences between each type. The INFJ is better positioned to perceive work and work relations globally, and "talk executive." By contrast, I have few qualms about high workload, unexpected situations, or challenges in execution.
 

iwakar

crush the fences
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My languages are words of affirmation and physical affection. We should do some kind of survey to look at the correlation. It might be interesting.

This is tardy participation, but I want to add that the above is true for me as well. I have been "talking" to an INTJ for a few weeks now --not sure where it's headed--, but I've noticed that we do seem to share these love language preferences, as well as a mutual need/importance placed on sex. Sex is important for all couples, but it seems especially true of us (and potentially our kind?). I think it's reasonable to speculate about the latent development of Se as we are both 30+ with kids, in addition to overall maturation and comfort level with our bodies and sexual needs, aaaand both being people who have lived much in our heads for the first decade of adulthood. There is something to be said for the Ni...Se shared aesthetic and the way our minds incorporate our ideas into our physical experiences and preferences.

I worry that we are both too strong/independent for the long-term, but the short-term relief-valve so far is my comparative softness/malleability, sincere and tender solicitation for his well-being; and his respect for my way of thinking which (surprisingly) frees me to be comfortable with his pointed speech and directive nature i.e. "taking the reigns" ... something that might make me bristle with other men. I know if I need to put my hand up and object when my need for my own way asserts myself, he'll step back and listen.
 

highlander

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sx/sp
This is tardy participation, but I want to add that the above is true for me as well. I have been "talking" to an INTJ for a few weeks now --not sure where it's headed--, but I've noticed that we do seem to share these love language preferences, as well as a mutual need/importance placed on sex. Sex is important for all couples, but it seems especially true of us (and potentially our kind?). I think it's reasonable to speculate about the latent development of Se as we are both 30+ with kids, in addition to overall maturation and comfort level with our bodies and sexual needs, aaaand both being people who have lived much in our heads for the first decade of adulthood. There is something to be said for the Ni...Se shared aesthetic and the way our minds incorporate our ideas into our physical experiences and preferences.

I worry that we are both too strong/independent for the long-term, but the short-term relief-valve so far is my comparative softness/malleability, sincere and tender solicitation for his well-being; and his respect for my way of thinking which (surprisingly) frees me to be comfortable with his pointed speech and directive nature i.e. "taking the reigns" ... something that might make me bristle with other men. I know if I need to put my hand up and object when my need for my own way asserts myself, he'll step back and listen.

Since I created this thread, I did some research and documented it in one of the Wiki Pages. There are definitely some patterns but it does seem like any type can prefer close to any love language.

Type And Love Languages - Typology Wiki
 

iwakar

crush the fences
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Since I created this thread, I did some research and documented it in one of the Wiki Pages. There are definitely some patterns but it does seem like any type can prefer close to any love language.

Type And Love Languages - Typology Wiki

I saw that thanks. Seeing that made me realize that my preferences re: love languages have shifted as I've gotten older, more independent, and caught up with my own passions and interests. Quality time together has fallen in my priorities whereas before it was much more important.
 

highlander

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I saw that thanks. Seeing that made me realize that my preferences re: love languages have shifted as I've gotten older, more independent, and caught up with my own passions and interests. Quality time together has fallen in my priorities whereas before it was much more important.

Yeah, I don't think my preferences are that common for example. Physical touch is high on my list but low on average for INTJs. Acts of service mean little to me but are big for INTJs overall. Quality time is highest for INTJs. It is important to me too but not as much as the other ones.
 

iwakar

crush the fences
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I've seen this said on this forum before and now I know it's true first-hand.

INTJs are hard on the outside, soft on the inside. INFJs are soft on the outside, hard on the inside. I'm a little disturbed and in awe of this realization while up-close and personal.
 

Cloudpatrol

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I've seen this said on this forum before and now I know it's true first-hand.

INTJs are hard on the outside, soft on the inside. INFJs are soft on the outside, hard on the inside. I'm a little disturbed and in awe of this realization while up-close and personal.

FASCINATING statement. I am absorbing it still.

[MENTION=8936]highlander[/MENTION]
Since I created this thread, I did some research and documented it in one of the Wiki Pages. There are definitely some patterns but it does seem like any type can prefer close to any love language.

Thank you for the wiki. This is a topic that does not lose it's appeal (I find ALL types I interact with are interested in the topic as well :shrug:) and I value any insight that is available.
 

highlander

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I've seen this said on this forum before and now I know it's true first-hand.

INTJs are hard on the outside, soft on the inside. INFJs are soft on the outside, hard on the inside. I'm a little disturbed and in awe of this realization while up-close and personal.

Is that true? Maybe it is.
 

ZNP-TBA

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sx
Is that true? Maybe it is.

Other typology enthusiasts have made this link too and it relates more to the Ti-Fe(Fe-Ti) and Te-Fi(Fi-Te) axes. Ti-Fe are 'warmer' on the outside but 'colder' the deeper you dig into their psyche. It's the opposite with Te-Fi.

It's true for me. I'm amicable and easy going on the outside. I'm accommodating enough. On the outside I don't seem 'cold' (but not extremely warm), more like lukewarm, fun, and kind of a goofball. But 'inside' I'm calm, calculating, and analytical. Contrast this with the INTJ stereotype being 'rigid' on the outside always appearing strategic and measured with repressed emotions. Inside, INTJs are firebrands and contain a lot of passion.
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
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Is that true? Maybe it is.
This is how I usually see this theory expressed:

INFJ - cold on outside, warm and fuzzy on the inside
INFP - warm and fuzzy inside and out
INTP - warm on the outside, hard as a rock inside
INTJ - cold and hard inside and out

Yet another set of questionable generalizations.
 

iwakar

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This is how I usually see this theory expressed:

INFJ - cold on outside, warm and fuzzy on the inside
INFP - warm and fuzzy inside and out
INTP - warm on the outside, hard as a rock inside
INTJ - cold and hard inside and out

Yet another set of questionable generalizations.

Never encountered these generalizations before.
 

Poki

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This is how I usually see this theory expressed:

INFJ - cold on outside, warm and fuzzy on the inside
INFP - warm and fuzzy inside and out
INTP - warm on the outside, hard as a rock inside
INTJ - cold and hard inside and out

Yet another set of questionable generalizations.


Horrible generalizations.
 

INTerran

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Oct 29, 2016
Messages
131
Yes, I agree. I was actually thinking as I wrote and almost commented that such a pairing would be more apt to happen later in life, likely after each had already sought relationships with other types.

~true for me (INFJ) and my guy (INTJ). We are both in our late 30s. Both had failed relationships in our 20s and remained single for quite a while. We have been "hanging out" the last half year getting to know each other better (have been acquainted for all our lives) and getting more comfortable with each other
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
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I've seen this said on this forum before and now I know it's true first-hand.

INTJs are hard on the outside, soft on the inside. INFJs are soft on the outside, hard on the inside. I'm a little disturbed and in awe of this realization while up-close and personal.
I think it may be a play of expectations. Because the INTJ can have a hard, external edge, any internal softness is perceived with exaggeration, and the opposite is true for INFJs. I wouldn't describe myself as cold on the inside whatsoever, but I do have a backbone, so I'm not a pile of free candy. I don't think the average INTJ is softer on the inside than I am, but there is some differentiation between internal and external, so that the internal worlds are closer than the external ones, but still the INTJ is more internally distant on average.

Edit: The idea of an INFJ being cold on the inside is a bit of a trigger for me because of how many people in this world will see a person (infj or otherwise) who is trying to be a "nice" or "kind" person, and so they will hook into that desire as a guilt tactic to get you to do whatever they want. "If you are kind you will do X for me." "If you don't do X for me, then you must not care". I've had to learn to say no to people in a healthy way, and even though I genuinely feel badly for them on my inside (not cold at all), I still have to detach and say no. Not cold on the inside towards anyone, but also not oblivious to when they are cold on the inside towards me.
 
Last edited:

Wunjo

Maverick thinker.
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Speaking of personal experiences, I have seen it work. My ex girlfriend was an INTJ, we had a polyamorous, very nice, intellectually and sensually pleasing relationship which I am considering to resume after some point, for we had a rational and happily working relationship. She could be quite stoic from time to time but that rarely disturbed me, her diligence about giving herself to the relationship and seeking stimuli to enjoy together was quite fun.
 

Jetta

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3
The INTJ and INFJ are very compatible and their relationship has the potential for a solid partnership built on similar perspectives and attitudes. INTJs share INFJs interest in connecting the dots with a focus on the underlying significance of things. But where the INFJ is fixated with the personal (Fe), the INTJ attends to the impersonal (Te). This dynamic is likely to be beneficial in a complementary way with each side compensating for areas in which the other lacks. INFJ in particular can provide some of the warmth and affection that INTJs appreciate but have trouble expressing.

INTJ and INFJ essentially understand one another and they speak a similar language. They have a vision of the future and they spend quality time together ruminating on the meaning of things and what they may represent for the big picture. INFJs are often very concerned with society at large and various social issues and they may become anxious over what they hear in the news. They pick up on the trends and patterns and become either depressed or encouraged by what it indicates to them. INTJs share a similar concern and they both have ideas about the way things ought to be in the world but unfortunately are not. This however, is what motivates them to go out and make an impact and they both work hard towards this end and they likely will be very sympathetic and supportive of one another’s crusades. These two will love cloistering themselves off from the rest of the world much of the time where they can just be introverts together.
 

great_bay

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INFJ and INTJ have the same first and fourth functions. They are half identical but the difference between them is that they have the second and third function in an inverse order. INFJ use Fe and Ti, and INTJ use Te and Fi. INFJs are about foreseeing the implications of how other people feel(Ni-Fe). INTJ are about foreseeing the implications of efficiency(Ni-Te). INFJ, their thinking functions is use to find the faults and inconsistencies. INTJ, their thinking function are about the efficiency. INTJ's feeling function is on how they feel. INFJs feeling function is about how others people feel.
 
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