INTJ and INFJ Relationships

[highlander]

What do you think about relationships between INFJs and INTJs? The focus of this is really on romantic relationships but it also makes sense to discuss your experience in situations where these two types interact in a significant way – such as friendship, at work, etc.

When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
- How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
- Why are they attracted to each other?
- How to they compliment each other?
- How well do they understand each other and why?
- What are they like together raising children?

When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
- What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
- What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
- How can they take each other for granted?
- What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?

Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
- What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
- What advice do you have for each of the two types?
- If you are an INFJ, what advice do you have for the INTJs?
- If you are an INTJ, what advice would you have for the INFJs?

 

[Ene]

What do you think about relationships between INFJs and INTJs? The focus of this is really on romantic relationships but it also makes sense to discuss your experience in situations where these two types interact in a significant way – such as friendship, at work, etc.

I have never been in a romantic relationship with an INTJ, but as many of you know, I am very close to one in real life. I am a final closed-door student to a retired INTJ Kung Fu Grand Master. Our relationship started out as a student-teacher relationship but evolved over the last few years into a more equalized friendship.

When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?

One of the first things he ever said to me (he had known me a couple of weeks. He hadn't even taken me on as a student yet.) was, "You impress me. That's not easy to do."

I think the greatest aspect is the Ni connection. It's like speaking to a "kinsman." We can honestly share without fear that the other one will think we're crazy. We both understand each other's need for autonomy, and for alone time.

- How compatible do you think these two types are in general?

Very.

Why are they attracted to each other?

I would say a big part of it is the Ni connection. We connect on the Se end too. I mean even our decorating ideas compliment each other.

How to they compliment each other?

With us, there is a constant sharing of ideas, theories, etc. since we're both involved in writing and martial arts, it's a match made in heaven. In his writing, he presents a big idea. I help him refine it and make it more palatable to the public. When I'm the one coming up with a big idea, he helps me make it more grounded. I admire his objectivity. He admires my innovation.

How well do they understand each other and why?

Again, I think it goes back to the Ni connection, to the need to produce something, the need for alone time, etc. we have a lot in common.

What are they like together raising children?

I have no idea. Haha. But he's pretty laid back with his kids.

What are some of the communication challenges they can have?

Feelings. He rarely lets his show and I'm not always sure what mine are, so neither of us like emotionally intense situations. He tells me he doesn't have any. I don't believe that. I think he just can't talk about them. The truth is, he probably has stronger ones than I do. Secondary Fe doesn't reflect my true feelings. It only serves to make Ni produce an end product, to make it palatable to the public. Fe allows me to understand how others feel, and even feel it myself, but those may not be MY feelings. Half the time I have no particular feelings at all, at least not initially. I can tell how somebody else feels and identify with them far easier than I can say how I feel about something. He knows how he feels, but other people can't see it. Still, this isn't a disaster, if both parties understand that about each other. In fact, it could be a source of strength.

What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?

He has a tendency to debate, not argue, not get heated, just debate. He really likes peace and doesn't enjoy emotional tension, BUT he cannot help himself. When he hears a line of reasoning and he perceives there to be a hole in it, he has to tear it apart. He seems to get high off of presenting a superior argument. For me, that can be a little bit frustrating, because initially, I would think he was devaluing my intelligence. So, I found a way around it...appeal to his Ni (thanks uumlau, for the tip) and it works!

How can they take each other for granted?

I'm not sure. Maybe because that has never happened between us. But I can see how it could happen and I imagine it would result in some intense staring.

What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types

? i don't know, and I don't want to find out.

If you are an INFJ, what advice do you have for the INTJs?

If your INFJ is anything like me, she wants to know that you trust her enough to always be honest with her. She needs to know that you think she's efficient, that she's dependable, that you value her intelligence and opinions. If she does a task for you let her know that you appreciate how hard she worked on it, because she will work hard. She will make it as nearly perfect as she possibly can. She will literally make personal sacrifices to please you, because that's what NiFe does when a person is vitally important to her.

 

[Rambling]

Feelings. He rarely lets his show and I'm not always sure what mine are, so neither of us like emotionally intense situations. He tells me he doesn't have any. I don't believe that. I think he just can't talk about them. The truth is, he probably has stronger ones than I do. Secondary Fe doesn't reflect my true feelings. It only serves to make Ni produce an end product, to make it palatable to the public. Fe allows me to understand how others feel, and even feel it myself, but those may not be MY feelings. Half the time I have no particular feelings at all, at least not initially. I can tell how somebody else feels and identify with them far easier than I can say how I feel about something. He knows how he feels, but other people can't see it. Still, this isn't a disaster, if both parties understand that about each other. In fact, it could be a source of strength.

If your INFJ is anything like me, she wants to know that you trust her enough to always be honest with her. She needs to know that you think she's efficient, that she's dependable, that you value her intelligence and opinions. If she does a task for you let her know that you appreciate how hard she worked on it, because she will work hard. She will make it as nearly perfect as she possibly can. She will literally make personal sacrifices to please you, because that's what NiFe does when a person is vitally important to her.

The bolded is exactly what I always thought the difference between Fe and Fi was. Beautifully put. Thank you.

And for the last paragraph, that's not just a quality of Ni Fe, you know. Lots of types of people care and make personal sacrifices for others.

 

[Ene]

The bolded is exactly what I always thought the difference between Fe and Fi was. Beautifully put. Thank you.

And for the last paragraph, that's not just a quality of Ni Fe, you know. Lots of types of people care and make personal sacrifices for others.

Thank you! And yes, you're right about the last paragraph. I've seen this in many people of all types, too, but I guess, at the moment I wrote this, I was just looking at it through a personal lens.

 

[Rambling]

Thank you! And yes, you're right about the last paragraph. I've seen this in many people of all types, too, but I guess, at the moment I wrote this, I was just looking at it through a personal lens.

In many ways I'd like your last paragraph to be true of me, too...but I couldn't have verbalised it. The Ni is in common between you and me, but the Fe / Fi difference shows up here...

And if someone *did* say all that kind of thing to me, I'd be watching something else altogether when it came to interpreting it... Maybe it's about an authenticity behind the words...it would have to match up with everything else I knew of you...it's difficult to explain it.

But then, I have this vague idea that INFJ and INTJ don't get along easily...I don't know many / any INFJs in real life...but I do know two *very* talkative ENFJs...

 

[Ene]

In many ways I'd like your last paragraph to be true of me, too...but I couldn't have verbalised it. The Ni is in common between you and me, but the Fe / Fi difference shows up here...

And if someone *did* say all that kind of thing to me, I'd be watching something else altogether when it came to interpreting it... Maybe it's about an authenticity behind the words...it would have to match up with everything else I knew of you...it's difficult to explain it.

But then, I have this vague idea that INFJ and INTJ don't get along easily...I don't know many / any INFJs in real life...but I do know two *very* talkative ENFJs...

Regarding the bolded: Of course, it woulld. That only makes sense, but since you don't know me, you have no real measurement, no record by which to authenticate. That's the trouble with talking to a complete stranger...online, no less.

I think, regarding getting along, that it would have to completely depend on the functional balance and maturity levels of the individuals, but maybe that can be said of all types, too.

 

[Lexicon]

What do you think about relationships between INFJs and INTJs? The focus of this is really on romantic relationships but it also makes sense to discuss your experience in situations where these two types interact in a significant way – such as friendship, at work, etc.

When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
- How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
- Why are they attracted to each other?
- How to they compliment each other?
- How well do they understand each other and why?
- What are they like together raising children?

When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
- What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
- What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
- How can they take each other for granted?
- What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?

Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
- What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
- What advice do you have for each of the two types?
- If you are an INFJ, what advice do you have for the INTJs?
- If you are an INTJ, what advice would you have for the INFJs?

I've wanted to answer this for awhile, but it'd take hours to even attempt to put into words why a relationship I'm in works, or why it does not.

The one thing I can say directly related to types, perhaps, is that I am fiercely (read: stubborn as hell) independent. I need to be able to work out things myself, DO them myself, my own way, much of the time, in order to feel like I accomplished something. For an INTJ, Acts of Service appears to be a fairly prominent love language. He wants make your life easier (read: efficient, read: make sense). Combine that drive with a directive personality, and my knee-jerk response will be that he thinks I can't handle my own shit, doesn't understand (read: value/accept) me, or worse, is actively trying to control me. This is not the case, at all, however. My knee-jerk rejection of this assistance can almost seem like a rejection of my partner's love or concern for me. It can become this ugly chain reaction. If you let it.

We all have our own little hang ups that can be set off, regardless of type. It's inescapably human.
And so is learning how to take a step back, away from yourself.

Ultimately, the biggest obstacles in any relationship are faith/trust, patience, and communication. Every person operates from their own plane of existence, their personal history shapes their perspective, their world. It colors how we see. Live. Love. Sharing your mind as openly as possible, is probably the most basic building block in any relationship. Without that connection, you may not be able to progress, work together, maintain mutual understanding, and grow.

All these little lists of why something works, or why it doesn't.. It all comes down to this. Faith in the fact that this person loves you, wants the best for you, even if you have starkly contrasting views, or ways of handling day to day necessities. Acceptance and the drive to understand is key. And sometimes, acceptance in the face of totally not understanding is absolutely vital.

Edit: also vital: relationship greatly hinges upon whether or not my partner loves- or at least tolerates- cats.

 

[highlander]

The one thing I can say directly related to types, perhaps, is that I am fiercely (read: stubborn as hell) independent. I need to be able to work out things myself, DO them myself, my own way, much of the time, in order to feel like I accomplished something. For an INTJ, Acts of Service appears to be a fairly prominent love language. He wants make your life easier (read: efficient, read: make sense). Combine that drive with a directive personality, and my knee-jerk response will be that he thinks I can't handle my own shit, doesn't understand (read: value/accept) me, or worse, is actively trying to control me. This is not the case, at all, however. My knee-jerk rejection of this assistance can almost seem like a rejection of my partner's love or concern for me. It can become this ugly chain reaction. If you let it.

My languages are words of affirmation and physical affection. We should do some kind of survey to look at the correlation. It might be interesting.

 

[Lexicon]

My languages are words of affirmation and physical affection. We should do some kind of survey to look at the correlation. It might be interesting.

I feel like love languages play a huge role in how couples communicate their affection or build their expectations for one another, sometimes without even realizing it. I feel as though it may play an even more significant role in compatibility than MBTI typing, but there are a ton of factors in relationship compatibility. I do think it'd be interesting to explore any correlations, nonetheless.

 

[Duffy]

My languages are words of affirmation and physical affection. We should do some kind of survey to look at the correlation. It might be interesting.

Same.

I don't know about INTJs because I never been close to one, but I find many of the SJs I've known are way into Acts of Service as their love language. In hindsight, this was actually a big reason for the tension between my parents and I.

 

[highlander]

I feel like love languages play a huge role in how couples communicate their affection or build their expectations for one another, sometimes without even realizing it. I feel as though it may play an even more significant role in compatibility than MBTI typing, but there are a ton of factors in relationship compatibility. I do think it'd be interesting to explore any correlations, nonetheless.

I agree. It's funny how someone conducted a survey right around the time that I said this. I guess that's a coincidence

http://www.typologycentral.com/foru...tive-functions/80017-mbti-love-languages.html

 

[ZNP-TBA]

It's good but the biggest obstacle I see is that they would get bored with each other once the initial attraction has subsided.

 

[Ene]

It's good but the biggest obstacle I see is that they would get bored with each other once the initial attraction has subsided.

I dont think that woukd happen if they shared a life long passion for the same thing. Ni-doms can spend years on a single topic and instead of becoming boring, it becomes more and more exciting as each thread they pull leads to a whole new dimension of discoveries.

 

[highlander]

I dont think that woukd happen if they shared a life long passion for the same thing. Ni-doms can spend years on a single topic and instead of becoming boring, it becomes more and more exciting as each thread they pull leads to a whole new dimension of discoveries.

That's my perception as to how it would work. I wonder if they didn't share the same life long passion though (which few people do). I still think it is probably a very compatible long term combination.

 

[SearchingforPeace]

Mine are touch followed by words.

 

[Ene]

That's my perception as to how it would work. I wonder if they didn't share the same life long passion though (which few people do). I still think it is probably a very compatible long term combination.

I agree. I think it is just a good combo. I think that since both have a strong tendency to make their plans work that they would seek to understand what each other was into.

 

[highlander]

I agree. I think it is just a good combo. I think that since both have a strong tendency to make their plans work that they would seek to understand what each other was into.

They are both such rare types though that it seems very unlikely that they would find each other and when young, they would generally be attracted to someone who was more of their opposite.

 

[Ene]

They are both such rare types though that it seems very unlikely that they would find each other and when young, they would generally be attracted to someone who was more of their opposite.

Yes, I agree. I was actually thinking as I wrote and almost commented that such a pairing would be more apt to happen later in life, likely after each had already sought relationships with other types. However, I do know of one couple in their mid twenties. He is INFJ and she is INTJ. They are engaged. I hope it works out for them. Ironicaly, boith are extremly rare individuals.

 

[ZNP-TBA]

I dont think that woukd happen if they shared a life long passion for the same thing. Ni-doms can spend years on a single topic and instead of becoming boring, it becomes more and more exciting as each thread they pull leads to a whole new dimension of discoveries.

Well, any relationship can work regardless of MBTI theory which is hit and miss anyways. Still, theoretically its a good match. I see double Ni working out in interesting ways for sure. But I do think an Ne-Ni combo would be more interesting. I think the issues might arise from the Te-Fi and Fe-Ti differences. INTJ may not be as expressive as the INFJ desires or the INTJ can see the INFJ's constant desire for expression as somewhat annoying. Of course this can be all bullshit too. I was just toying around with the underlying theories of type relations. It may have nothing whatsoever to do with reality.

 

[chubber]

Here are my thoughts on this. The INFJ and the INTJ will both be creative, but for different reasons. The Fe in INFJ, when aligned to counter their Ni could seek harmony with the people around them. A grouchy INFJ will be very critical of people, which the INTJ is going to take to heart, because they don't know that they are taking it personally. So basically an unaware INTJ of this will feel personally attacked and do introspection. The INTJ will need to learn that the INFJ is only trying to help but will reject the communication method, when it comes to harmony of other people. The INTJ will do the same with the INFJ, but instead of people orientation, it will be critical towards logic/efficiency of tasks etc. Again the two will talk past each other and the INFJ will dable in their self doubt in their logic. They are unaware that this happening to them at the time. So I guess that there will be time apart to take a breather. But it will never be an easy one because of these differences. Will it get better in their 40s? I guess so, perhaps if they accept that they are different and will never be the same and be ok with that.