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Thread: ISTP and ESTJ Relationships

  1. #1
    Administrator Array highlander's Avatar
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    Dec 2009
    6w5 sx/sp
    ILI Ni

    Default ISTP and ESTJ Relationships

    What do you think about relationships between ISTPs and ESTJs? The focus of this is really on romantic relationships but it also makes sense to discuss your experience in situations where these two types interact in a significant way – such as friendship, at work, etc.

    When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
    - How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
    - Why are they attracted to each other?
    - How to they compliment each other?
    - How well do they understand each other and why?
    - What are they like together raising children?

    When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
    - What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
    - What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
    - How can they take each other for granted?
    - What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?

    Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
    - What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
    - What advice do you have for each of the two types?
    - If you are an ISTP, what advice do you have for the ESTJs?
    - If you are an ESTJ, what advice would you have for the ISTPs?

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    Tri-type 639

  2. #2
    scourge Array miss fortune's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    827 sp/so
    SLE Ti


    my best friend and former college roommate is an ESTJ... she tests consistently as one (on the job included) and identifies as one as well... she's almost a stereotype

    we actually didn't like each other at first, though neither of us can remember why now

    she's always the one who remembers to keep in touch with me... she was always kind of my keeper in a way, dragging me out to social events and then making sure that I enjoyed myself, finding me dates, making sure that I ate meals at reasonable times and such... I'm still not exactly sure what I offered to our relationship except that I was always our driver and I always took her out hiking

    we ran initiation for our professional fraternity together a few semesters, which was a large, involved, all day type affair... she did all of the planning, scheduling and coordinating and my job was to make sure that everything ran smoothly and fixing anything that went wrong... it worked quite well because I think better on the fly and am usually most interested when things go wrong and she LOVES planning things

    we text back and forth now that she's moved several states away and send presents several times a year... she calls every few months and usually does a good portion of the talking (her life is usually the more interesting one... or at least she's willing to talk about it) and I keep a commentary and give her different perspectives on issues

    my advice would be not to take advantage of someone like that... if you have someone who is always there for you, who takes care of the things that you can't stand and makes an effort to keep in contact you should value that and make an effort to try and reciprocate. I'll never be as open as she is or as good at planning and keeping tabs and such and I realize that... like I said, I've always wondered what I could possibly bring to the friendship

    I never cry... like maybe once every few years at most, but at her wedding reception I got completely wasted and cried so much that her mom had to spend about 10 minutes consoling me when she left, which is really kind of embarrassing and I'm still horrified every time I remember that. I just felt so lost because she was leaving and I wasn't sure how or if I would ever have that good of a friendship again... I haven't found any friend that I've felt that close to or that comfortable since then.
    Human beings make life so interesting. Do you know that in a universe so full of wonders, they have managed to invent boredom? -Terry Pratchett
    Likes EJCC liked this post

  3. #3
    under a groove Array Chanaynay's Avatar
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    Nov 2012
    7w6 sx/so


    @EJCC I'm actually very interested in what you have to say about your experience with ISTPs.
    7w6 - 2w3 - 8w7 sx/so

  4. #4
    hyggelig Array EJCC's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    173 so/sx


    I only know one confirmed ISTP irl, and I've been her friend for a few years -- so I can't answer as a romantic partner or as a very close friend.


    How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
    When it comes to romantic relationships, I don't believe in type compatibility. I do believe in potential ways that people can "click", and potential communication breakdowns they can have, but I don't believe that makes them "incompatible". The Internet has told me that ISTPs and ESTJs should be a good match, and that sensors should date/marry other sensors, but that has not been my experience at all.

    Why are they attracted to each other?
    I like my ISTP friend because we share a lot of interests and communicate pretty easily with each other. I really appreciate that we're both independent and busy people, because it means that neither of us takes it personally if/when the other of us drops off the map for a week or two, or a month or two -- we can pick up right where we left off as soon as we make contact again. I think the ISTP likes that I'm entertaining and fun to talk to, and that I'm a fairly stable and reliable presence. Also that I don't try to box her into anything.

    How well do they understand each other and why?
    I attribute my miscommunications with my ISTP friend with Ni vs. Ne differences. We don't have the most intuitive understanding of each other's sense of humor -- she can think that mine is just "weird" or "crazy", and hers completely goes over my head and confuses me. Besides that I feel like we get each other pretty well, again because of being straightforward, Thinking-dominant, etc. (My experience with IxTPs has been that Te + Ti makes for an impressive, powerful, and efficient team. I think my ISTP friend recognizes that about us, too, which is why we tend to do things when we get together -- exploring on bike trails, cooking fancy things from scratch, etc.)

    What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
    I think the biggest issues are things that my ISTP friend and I avoid by being medium-level friends. Communication issues would be a much bigger deal. I'd probably fall into the SJ vs. Perceiver issue of "why aren't they being as organized and reliable as I am" and "why won't they listen to me when I tell them the right way to do things" -- but 1) I almost never fall into that trap, and 2) everything's different when you're dating.

    How can they take each other for granted?
    I know that ESTJs, like other SJs probably, are often taken for granted with regards to the incredible amount of energy they put into making sure everything is going according to plan. I don't think my ISTP friend takes that aspect of me for granted though. Honestly I'm not sure about how I'd take my ISTP friend for granted, either. So I dunno.

    What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?
    The stereotype I hear is that this happens:
    ESTJ: "Why won't you listen to my advice?? Why don't you respond to my texts???"
    ISTP: "You're not the boss of me! Leave me alone!"
    But this has not happened with me and my ISTP friend. We've never had a fight, that I'm aware of. The most we've ever "fought" was one time I got a little testy with her for walking over a Fi boundary by accident, during what her Ti probably presumed was a completely detached and abstract conversation.
    and it's nice enough to
    make a man
    weep, but I don't
    weep, do

    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
    1w2/7w6/3w4 so/sx (enneagram)
    lawful good (D&D) / ravenclaw or gryffindor (HP) / boros legion (M:TG)
    conscientious > sensitive > serious (oldham)
    want to ask me something? go for it!

  5. #5
    Active Member Array Poki's Avatar
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    Dec 2008


    Estj's I know a e good friends. Nothing more. They are to socially needy for me to be romantic and close. I enjoy there company to a degree, but need to much time away to be really close
    Take what I say with a grain of salt, because that's all it is compared to the ocean of complexity when it comes to actions and real life.

  6. #6
    Rainy Day Woman Array MDP2525's Avatar
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    Oct 2008
    6w5 sx/sp
    ISTp None


    I've had two LTR with ESTJs.

    Why it works:

    There is no walking on eggshells. You both can be blunt and feelings are not hurt and offense is rarely taken with day to day conversations. No mis-communications, really.
    Both independent.
    ESTJ's can be child-like and goofy. ISTP's can bring that side out in them.
    ESTJs can help ISTPs get things done. All in all, we work well together.
    Pretty good sexual chemistry.

    Why it doesn't work:
    ESTJ's are ambitious and always reaching toward bigger goals. They seem to look down upon(?) or criticize if they feel you aren't doing the same. The relationship can feel like a parent/child relationship where ISTP feels nagged and not appreciated for who they are. More like, what the ESTJ wants the ISTP to become. If the ISTP doesn't have the same goal for themselves then it ultimately destroys the relationship.

    Both ESTJs I know, seem to regard the past with a more favorable light than the present. I don't know how to describe this accurately but they are perfectionistic with relationships. The ESTJs I know seemed to idealize past relationships at the cost of their current one.

    When i became an "ex" I then became idealized as well. The ESTJs would remember the relationship differently than I did. I saw more compliments or open verbal appreciation after we broke up then when I was with them.

    It's like love to them is building you up. But ISTPs can take this as "you're trying to control me and won't let me be myself"
    ~I'm looking California, and feeling Minnesota.

    Shameless Self-Promotion:MDP2525's Den and the Start of Motorcycle Maintenance

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