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  1. #1
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Default INFP and ESTJ Relationships

    What do you think about relationships between INFPs and ESTJs? The focus of this is really on romantic relationships but it also makes sense to discuss your experience in situations where these two types interact in a significant way – such as friendship, at work, etc.

    When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
    - How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
    - Why are they attracted to each other?
    - How to they compliment each other?
    - How well do they understand each other and why?
    - What are they like together raising children?

    When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
    - What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
    - What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
    - How can they take each other for granted?
    - What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?

    Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
    - What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
    - What advice do you have for each of the two types?
    - If you are an INFP, what advice do you have for the ESTJs?
    - If you are an ESTJ, what advice would you have for the INFPs?

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  2. #2
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

  3. #3
    Member Chickennugget's Avatar
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    Hmmmm. I think that it all depends on the people and the communication. Everyone is so different that it's hard to put too many labels. If an ESTJ isn't too controlling and the INFP isn't too sensitive, I think it just might work. Also, they have to have some of the same morals (this goes for any INFP relationship).

  4. #4
    Junior Member Scorpinfp's Avatar
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    Default

    When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
    - How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
    I think these two types can be perfectly compatible considering where each individual is at in their life as far as their maturity level and when and how they meet and become friends and how their relationship develops. I think that shared interests and activities are very important to an ESTJ and an INFP can learn to really appreciate that quality time together.
    - Why are they attracted to each other?
    As an INFP, I was attracted to my ESTJ partner's consistency and dependability. He was confident, as an extrovert and consistently inviting me out and including me in his circle of friends. This made me feel special and included and eased my relationship anxieties, as far as "is he thinking of me? when/will i hear from him again?" etc... We started out hanging out as friends through our shared interests so this made the relationship feel easy and natural for both of us. We both continued to pursue our separate interests as well so not too much focus or emphasis or pressure was put on our friendship. It was like a nice, pleasant bonus surprise.
    - How to they compliment each other?
    The ESTJ helps the INFP to try not to take things so personally. The ESTJ can also encourage the INFP to be more assertive and face their fear of confrontation. The INFP smooths out the ESTJ's rough edges in helping them to see other people's perspectives and bring out their open-mindedness. ESTJs are actually very open-minded but the way the declare their thoughts as they are processing and learning new information can make them seem like bossy, closed-minded, know-it-alls. If you communicate with them further, your will see this is not the case.
    - How well do they understand each other and why?
    We understand each other very well because we talk about everything. I love it. As an introvert, it can be hard for me to speak up, especially when I'm upset. My sweet ESTJ stops what he's doing at the sight of the slightest wrinkle in my forehead and asks me whats wrong or what happened. I feel 100% safe in telling him my emotional upsets. He is great at taking my feedback and altering his communication style to soothe me. A lot of times, he is just being his objective self, and unintentionally hurts my feelings. We hash things out (as far as having a discussion) and I notice the next time we are in a similar situation he is incorporating how I told him I would prefer he word things. I can't think of a better way for him to show his care. He on the other hand, is an open book. He is easy to understand because he always speaks his mind. I have noticed though, that sometimes if he is upset he could get critical toward me or get quiet. When I point this out and ask him if he is upset, he will then tell me. The most important thing for me as an INFP is to listen to what he is saying and not take it as final. ESTJs process out loud - no filter. I have found that listening to him and repeating what he says ensures he feels heard, and that my feelings and me taking everything personally doesn't get in the way of me hearing what he is really trying to say.
    - What are they like together raising children?
    We don't have children yet, but we have two dogs.
    When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
    - What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
    As an INFP I remember in the beginning, telling him he wouldn't understand why I felt the way I felt. He told me, "then keep telling me in different words until I do understand." So INFPs: don't expect them to intuitively "get you". Tell them directly how you feel and use behaviors, for example, "when you did X behavior it made me feel Y, even though I know you didn't mean it in that way." They will surprise you in how they integrate the information that you give them. So just don't expect them to read your mind, and try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Don't hold things in but try to be tactful and don't snap at them when you are hurt. They aren't trying to hurt you and when you can calmly explain to them that they did, they will do their best not to repeat it again. My ESTJ is just great at incorporating the feedback that I give him. It builds so much trust between us. My advice to an ESTJ with an INFP: We are extremely sensitive. Use a pleasant tone, give us lots of positive feedback, be extremely delicate if you must offer constructive criticism. Try to word things in a positive way of what you want us to do or how to do it. We can be easily hurt if we think we disappointed you or that you think we did something "wrong." INFP's are really hard on ourselves so we want to feel our partner supports us unconditionally. Always thank us out loud with words when we do something you like. Praise our efforts and not just our accomplishments. Flirt with us and flatter us. We will try even harder to please you.
    - What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
    I think ESTJ's value controlling their emotions where INFP's value expressing emotions whether good or bad. INFP's: don't rely soley on your ESTJ as your only emotional outlet. Use your other friends and family and exercise, meditate, read, and be in nature. Take good care of yourself. ESTJ's can be affected in a negative way to our intense feelings. This is not a bad thing or a fault. It doesn't mean you are flawed or unlovable or misunderstood. It is unrealistic to expect one person to fulfill all of your emotional needs. So choose your battles and when and how you express your emotions. I feel my ESTJ is the protector of my heart in the way that he cares so much about my thoughts and feelings and always wants to know whats going on with me. He will literally stop whatever else he is doing and put everything else on hold while we talk things through. But, INFP's: don't take advantage of this. Appreciate that your ESTJ goes to a lot of effort to plan and organize fun things for the two of you to do together and with friends. This "quality time" is a huge part of how they show they care. Don't ruin their good time with your sour mood. Express yourself honestly and authentically and move on. Don't dwell too much on your upsets. Try to practice mindfulness and being fully engaged in the present moment without worrying about some past or future event.
    - How can they take each other for granted?
    ESTJ's can be too hard on INFP's and expect too much. ESTJ's: Always appreciate and verbally acknowledge the INFP's efforts and if you want to offer constructive feedback, do it in a positive or even indirect way. INFP's love a challenge- but can't stand perceived criticism. So say something like, "have you ever tried ..." or "this is really great, next time we/you should try..." or "you did this really well, next time try ..."
    INFP's may not get ESTJ's need to socialize and to always be texting and to know what's going on with everyone all the time. INFP's: Try not to be jealous and trust your ESTJ has a heart of gold. If you want to know what's going on with them, or who they're talking to, just ask. They won't care. They are an open book. Appreciate that a lot of the planning and socializing your ESTJ is doing is with you in mind. They love to have their partner at their side. I would be pretty bored and lonely without my ESTJ!
    - What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?
    I would say when things go wrong, it's usually we get into a loop of not listening/trying to understand each other in an argument. Take a time-out. Think about how important the argument is in the big picture, then use the speaker/listener technique. Tell your partner, "I can tell this is really important to you, tell me more..." Or "I want to understand where you're coming from ..." Then LiSTEN. Do not get defensive, INFP's! Listen with the intent of hearing what your partner is trying to say and UNDERSTANDING them -NOT agreeing with them. Don't expect to agree with your partner on EVERYTHING. Continue repeating back to your partner what they are saying to you (For example, "You were upset when I snapped at you..." instead of "Well I snapped because you weren't paying attention and ..." ) until they fell heard and understood and have no more to say. Genuinely apologize for upsetting them. Calmly explain your point of view and where you are coming from to them. The next time a similar situation or conversation comes up, you will notice your ESTJ incorporating your feedback or point of view
    I love my ESTJ and feel so loved by him!

  5. #5
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    So, as promised I thought I'd add a contribution to the questions as well:

    When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?

    Q: How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
    A: I would say there's a lot that sparks the initial attraction and there's a lot of potential for compatibility, in particular from a growth perspective. This will not be the kind of relationship where each partner kind of settles into a comfort zone of familiarity with each other and neither partner is challenged by the other on a regular basis. In the dominance / inferior pairing, where we each share our partner's repressed function, there's friction, but it's the kind of friction that is necessary to spark personal growth. As well, I think that when the personal values of each partner overlap, there's a very strong unity of purpose together and since each other's relative weakness is balanced by the other's strength, a significant pool of resources is available to work together to exemplify these purposes in life. So there are a lot of compatibility points in the match.

    Q: Why are they attracted to each other?
    A: For us, it was chemistry and it felt electric to be with him. Opposites attract, I suppose? We are inherently drawn to that which we lack? Something like that.

    Q: How do they compliment each other?
    A: We are like a pair of gloves, one with the fuzzy side out and the other the fuzzy side in. He will attempt to step in and save me from logistical entanglements, and advise me on how to keep a cleaner schedule. I will attempt to soothe his temper and occasional grumpy outbursts, and generally help him with emotional issues that can't really be addressed with his top two functional strengths. So we complement each other's less native functional landscape.

    Q: How well do they understand each other and why?
    A: There's not really a place where we each just inherently "get" the other. We are wired on the Te - Fi side of the fence though, so we always have the same functions we're working with; we're both in the same rabbit-hole, so to speak. This is beneficial because there's no Fe - Fi translation required, or Te - Ti. He feels a sense of duty; I feel a sense of mission. These things complement each other since they are purpose-driven. We understand that we are very opposite from each other, and in the understanding of that, we almost ironically understand each other quite a great deal.

    Q: What are they like together raising children?
    A: I think we were very mutually agreeable in this regard. He did a lot of the practical things, but I had to do a lot too, that just comes with the territory. He modeled organized structure; I modeled creative spontaneity. He cherished elements of family tradition; I cherished elements of family bonding. So together, we did a lot of stuff with the kids, put them in sports and creative endeavours and tried to be good role models. I found the structure taxing though, especially for a 2 year stretch when the kids were in their early teens and my husband was working out of town and only home on weekends. I wanted to keep up to be a "good mom". But I really exhausted myself. It's the kind of exhaustion that's hard for an ESTJ to comprehend since they don't have the same needs to be freed from structure in order to recharge. Structure makes them feel great!

    When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?

    Q: What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
    A: From an emotional perspective, I do "get" him in ways that he does not get me. Sometimes I wish to be known in this way as well, but that's asking for functional strengths like my own, and that's not what our partnership is about. If my emotions are not "logical" he can have a hard time accepting a basis for them in reality, since they cannot be justified. However, as he and I both get older, the space here has narrowed quite a bit. He is a very clear communicator, in that he means what he says and says what he means, so there's no hidden spaces in this regard, it is all very open. I am not open like this though. If I don't communicate in the same manner, he will never just inherently "know" what I want or need. He will not realize the concessions I am making internally to "keep the peace". It is worth mentioning here that it took me many years to truly understand his need for structure and the pleasure that planning ahead of time brings him. I try to be as flexible in this regard as possible, but there are times where it is still a friction between us.

    Q: What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
    A: I get frustrated when he complains about the "little things" and goes on a grumpy rant about that. He does complain a lot. And he gets frustrated when I make too many concessions to "keep the peace" in all of my relationships. I do suffer in silence, and tend to grouse to myself rather than confront a problem head-on and tell another person that they've hurt my feelings or caused me a huge logistical issue. We are working on these things.

    Q: How can they take each other for granted?
    A: Hmm, I guess I continually tell him I appreciate all of his hard work, and try to ensure he doesn't feel that way. I suppose I can take his dedication for granted, in the same way he can take my easy-going nature for granted.

    Q: What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?
    A: An INFP is going to feel like no one cares how he or she is feeling. An ESTJ is going to feel like no one appreciates them. Loud, tear-filled arguments will ensue. But when we do argue, we just stick with it until we've reestablished peace. Talking it out takes as long as it takes.

    Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?

    Q: What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
    A: INFPs - just say it, say what you think, don't just think because that ESTJ sounds so confident that they are "right". Realize that the ESTJ need for structure and family traditions is deeply established and satisfying to them, so try to put on a cheerful face even if the family gatherings are more taxing than pleasurable. ESTJs - you're not the boss so don't be bossy and try being a better cheerleader than a critic. I remind my husband I am ridiculously motivated by praise so him focussing positively on the things I did rather than the one chore I forgot is going to really fuel me to accomplish more.

    Q: What advice do you have for each of the two types?
    A: The same advice as I have for any couple. Love is what you do. Love is a verb. It's not about what you get, it's about what you give. Love each other and you'll do fine.

    Q: If you are an INFP, what advice do you have for the ESTJs?
    A: Oy vey, so many questions! My brain doesn't think this way! ESTJs, just love and treasure us, kk? Be tender and loving and soothe even if you don't understand all of the emotions in the moment.

    Q: If you are an ESTJ, what advice would you have for the INFPs?
    A: I will ask my husband and get back to you on this. It will probably involve planning and logistics.
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
    Likes SD45T-2, Scorpinfp, Antsers liked this post

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