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  1. #1
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Default ENFP and INTJ relationships

    What do you think about relationships between ENFPs and INTJs? I can’t think of a particular pairing that I’ve seen mentioned more. The focus of this is really on romantic relationships but it also makes sense to discuss your experience in situations where these two types interact in a significant way – such as friendship, at work, etc.

    When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
    - How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
    - Why are they attracted to each other?
    - How to they compliment each other?
    - How well do they understand each other and why?
    - What are they like together raising children?

    When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
    - What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
    - What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
    - How can they take each other for granted?
    - What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?

    Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
    - What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
    - What advice do you have for each of the two types?
    - If you are an ENFP, what advice do you have for the INTJs?
    - If you are an INTJ, what advice would you have for the ENFPs?

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  2. #2
    Suave y Fuerte BadOctopus's Avatar
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    Thanks for the thread tag.

    Actually, I've had mixed success
    my relationships with ENFPs. In my experience, we make great friends, but lousy romantic partners.My best friend is an ENFP, and we seem to bring out the best in each other when we're together. She brings out my fun, adventurous side, and I keep her from getting too crazy. At times, I find her a little frivolous and overly emotional, and I know she sometimes finds me too serious and logical, but we accept our differences and don't let them bother us.

    However, we don't live together, and we're not together every single day. That's where it gets hard. My ex-boyfriend is an ENFP, and it didn't work out at all. We're polar opposites in almost every way: I'm quiet, introverted, cool-headed, and composed, and he's loud, high-energy, emotional, and a total motor-mouth. I tried to make it work, because he's a really sweet guy, but being with him was exhausting, in every way. And he could tell. In the end, we decided that we'd both be better off with people with temperaments more similar to our own. Funnily enough, we're still good friends. He called me on my birthday and sang "Killer Queen" on my voicemail.

    My mom is also an ENFP, and it's the same story. We get along great now that I don't live at home, but when I was a kid, we clashed all the time. We just didn't get each other. She thought I hated her because I needed my alone time and I wasn't super affectionate like she was, and I thought she hated me because she couldn't accept the way I was.

    I think, as with any relationship, the INTJ-ENFP dynamic has a lot of potential, but also a lot of challenges. For me, I think getting used to the ENFP's extroverted Feeling is the biggest challenge. I can deal with it in a friendship, but in a long-term relationship, it can be overwhelming.

    I think in order for this pairing to work, the INTJ has to understand that the ENFP just isn't wired to look at things in the light of cold objective reason. They have enormous hearts, and they see the world in terms of people and feelings, and that works for them. It's best for the INTJ to accept and appreciate that about them, because that's what makes them so special.

    At the same time, the ENFP needs to respect the INTJ's independent nature. It can be easy to assume that because an INTJ has expressed a desire for space or solitude, there must be a problem in the relationship, and the ENFP is often hurt by this. But it's not personal at all. The INTJ just needs time alone to recharge. The biggest mistake in dealing with an INTJ is in assuming you know what they're thinking or feeling, because your assumptions might be completely wrong. The best approach is to be direct with them, and speak plainly and honestly. INTJs appreciate honesty much more than diplomacy.

  3. #3
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    I should preface this with the fact that my best friend is ISTJ, my boyfriend is ISTP (well, was, I dunno what he says he is now lol), and that I really only know maybe 2 INTJs, and only 1 confirmed IRL.. I'll subside from discussing online INTJs because they're cheaters, they're never that extroverted irl.

    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
    - How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
    - Why are they attracted to each other?
    - How to they compliment each other?
    - How well do they understand each other and why?
    - What are they like together raising children?
    I think INTJs and ENFPs are absolutely compatible. I think it DOES take a bit more work not to turn the thing into a disaster quickly once the honeymoon phase is over, but if the ENFP can get passed that apathetic-seeming tone, and the INTJ can get over the pride and over-thinking of things and just clearly communicate more raw material, it's a great opposites-attract dynamic that can really balance each other out. INTJ comes out of their shell more, ENFP learns to tone it down and be less head-in-the-clouds, and both can get their feet on the ground. And the compatible intuitive nature still lets them communicate strongly without having to translate (something I find myself frequently doing with S types). I think that intuitive nature is really what seals the deal on the relationship. A weak P and weak J would help tremendously as well. But I have a trio of friends (ENFP, INFJ, INTJ, all male) and while I get along the best with the ENFP and we're definitely closer than the other two, I find more open communication lines with the INTJ, as in a slight sense of grounding that I just don't get from the other two. Something more level headed and (sometimes annoyingly) placid.

    When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
    - What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
    - What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
    - How can they take each other for granted?
    - What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?
    The downsides are .. well.. Pretty much everything else.
    I find there is a sense of.. something to INTJs. Some people call it "mysterious". I call it secretive and lucrative. I know the INTJ I know hides so much shit from the world.. and pry as I might, I can't see any of it. It's a little distressing to be friends with someone such a long time and still know nothing about them.

    Similar to ISTP ime, SO much more space away from people is necessary. INFPs will space out, then come back and assault you with a bit of extroversion. ISTP seems to psyche themselves up for it a bit too.. but INTJs? It's like 'Hey.. sup..' after months of not talking. I don't find this bad or good..

    Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
    - What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
    - What advice do you have for each of the two types?
    - If you are an ENFP, what advice do you have for the INTJs?
    - If you are an INTJ, what advice would you have for the ENFPs?
    INTJ - Communicate. At all. Say something. Be blunt, and TRULY honest. Don't analyze and rationalize your honesty until it's so unrecognizable that your intuition fails you. Also recognize that you're not a know-it-all.. emotional common sense is STILL Common sense. It's a valid, smart thing. And you probably lack it. So when they're pissed at you.. it's probably for a REAL reason, not some made up one that certainly couldn't be your fault.
    ENFP - Learn to listen to the body language, and cues.. don't rely on the sources you're used to.. feel their need for space, and don't take that personally. Don't take things personally. If they communicate openly, you need to respect that by doing the same thing back. Don't hold back thinking they'll just magically know things.
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  4. #4
    Listening Oaky's Avatar
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    I've been in a relationship with an ENFP... I'm not going to rationalise much of it. I was enamoured in it and because of that I'd call it a strange, almost mystical beast in itself.

    When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
    - How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
    - Why are they attracted to each other?
    - How to they compliment each other?
    - How well do they understand each other and why?
    - What are they like together raising children?
    I'm unsure how compatible the two type are. I imagined my relationship was compatible on an psychologically internal level. Particular external incompatibilities are not a matter of psychological connection so may not apply to this thread. The important thing to remember is the freedom factors of both individuals. Principled INTJs and Freed ENFPs...

    When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
    - What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
    - What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
    - How can they take each other for granted?
    - What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?
    hmmm... more of the external incompatibilities which can affect the internal. These are probably more of a challenge for any relationship in general. Never the individuals themselves.

    Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
    - What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
    - What advice do you have for each of the two types?
    - If you are an ENFP, what advice do you have for the INTJs?
    - If you are an INTJ, what advice would you have for the ENFPs?
    For INTJs, alter your principles so that the ENFP's freedom may include you. It will wish to include you.

    I'd imagine the INTJ chose an ENFP for who they are. Change shouldn't be expected. Sometimes an INTJ may wish for some private time for focus on particular aspects of life. This can often be misinterpreted as a lack of interest. Also, like any relationship the most important key is the ability to trust the other individual, which can partly be given by open communication. Having your partner as your best friend too can be ideal. Create your personal world too. It can help.

    Although I highly like this pairing, I may be seeing it from a biased outlook.

  5. #5
    Lex Parsimoniae Xander's Avatar
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    ENFP and INTJ would be amusing to watch. Could be a winner if each will let the other run their lives the way they wish. Try to get them together on something (if they're being honest) and sparks could fly.

    The INTJ would likely spike the ENFP at some point which would invoke the rage of the ENFP which would then offend the INTJ and make them get all defensive. Not a very stable mix but perfectly functional if the lines of communication are kept unobstructed by half truths, lies and politics.
    Isn't it time for a colourful metaphor?

  6. #6
    Member ~ReggieRebel~'s Avatar
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    my mom is an enfp. I love her from a distance, hate her up close. We have come a long way. When we are completely honest with each other things are great.
    we get stressed out when she relies on me to get her exteoverted feeling needs met. she gets anoyed when i avoid her to get my introverted thinking needs met. when the j and the p clash while we are not geting our needs met, it can get epic. think vesubious erupting. we are both prone to get violent, with words and actions..
    nevertheless. supposing i found a mate, i would want an enfp one. partly because i've been there and seen that....i know what it is for one and both people to be weak and at their worst maturity levels. Once the major hurtles of cuting through the nf bullcrap and the tj avoidance; settling into a mutially benificial relationship is going to happen. and neither partner will be at all anxious to look elsewhere.

    Unfortunatly, the cost of cutting to the heart of things i(has been in my case at least) extrememly painful. it involves a great deal of risk on both sides. I suppose that is true for every relationship paring, but i feel that enfps have the potential to leave perminent damage on an intj, moreso than any other type.
    Active, successful natures shun the dictum 'Know Thyself' and follow the commamdment 'Will Thyself' ~nietzsche

    "Willing is the intj's evolutionary consequence of Knowing present and future as the everpresent livestream of yesterminute." ~reg~

  7. #7
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    I don't want to wax lyrical about my general distrust and not very cool feelings about enfps, merely because I have a very tainted relationship with one in my family. I have no idea what this relationship would look like if it wasn't very messed up. The one I know is a manipulator par excellence, in fact, it appears to be her sole occupation in life. Charming on the surface, rotten to the core. Okay, yes I know that is the one I happen to know they aren't all like that. But I can't help but see that particular style of communication as a foreboding of very bad things to come. Consequently I give anyone with overly friendly and gregarious overtones a wide berth. Give me an aloof cold fish anyday over the social butterfly who comes to poison your drink.

    I dub this relationship pairing the Poisoned Chalice. Looks attractive on the outside but there's just a world of pain within.

  8. #8
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    No. Friends, great friends, absolutely and I will always feel that way. There is no way on this earth I could have a relationship with one. They aren't changing and I'm certainly not changing. Unless things ran very parallel, only intersecting once in awhile I can only see the offended and butthurt ENFP and the smothered and irritated INTJ. That said, I am sure there are ENFP/INTJ pairs that do work but I've never seen one.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.
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  9. #9
    my floof is luxury Wind Up Rex's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    What do you think about relationships between ENFPs and INTJs?
    I don't.
    And so long as you haven’t experienced this: to die and so to grow,
    you are only a troubled guest on the dark earth
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  10. #10
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    I dont really dig this combination either. I never felt chemistry with INTJs. I dated one INTJ, it lasted for a very short while (until we figured we share nothing), however, he was a 5, and I felt that stronger in him than his intj. Very strong introvert.

    I dont really have a need to be 'grounded' or anything they propose for dating a TJ.
    Also looking at my ENFP friends which i have quite a few, none of them really date INTJ people. Its usually EXXPs they date.

    On the other hand ISTJ - i have often chemistry with but only superficial. the frustration grows as soon as we meet better.

    I think its with any type - similarities attract more than differences.

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