Hello, I have been doing some serious introspection about my life and I have realized the kind of dissatisfying life I am having (The Modern age stigma!) right now, I won't be able to turn it all around. My problem(Hemophilia) really causes great hindrance in my strive for getting fame and success as my type dictates.(Enneagram type 4 sx)
Deep down I really feel envious of my friends living a normal life, running faster than me (metaphorically) in achieving their goals. How can I enjoy or excel in life when I actually have real physical limits. I am willing to lose my sleep for my goals but prolonged activity even like sitting can cause Bleeds(My problem).
This simple amateur drawing made by me sums up my life.
As you can see, I can never be a sports person. I even feel envious of Ronaldo :p.
The only thing left is becoming the best in 'mind battle', becoming super intelligent. But my mind has really been running a monkey business. There are many times when I go into the state of depression and anxiety.
Should I just end my life? Since I have seen the boundary conditions. And this is seriously not the life I want to accept.
But my efficiency is lower as compared to the normal ones. It's actually like being like the tortoise who also has to sleep while running a race with the rabbits. The worst part is upcoming generation is not going to respect me plus my problem is hereditary meaning my grandson from my daughter might also have this problem. I wish my parents hadn't invested so much in me.
PS- this is not a vent, I just need a straight forward advice, that just tells me is life worth living. I am 23 right now.
I am even trying my best to still strive. Reading self-help books. Law of attraction. But still, Maybe I am too weak.
When I read the description of Enneagram type 4 sx it just describes me perfectly. Plus being an INFJ, I really fear possibilities and over analyze all the stuff.
Please advice and thank you for your time.