I really want to learn more about what distinguishes the various variants of the 4s, specifically so/sx vs. so/sp. But we can talk about all of the variants too; I want to understand how the essense of each variant is understood alone, and how they are understood within enneagram 4. In terms of 4, I think it's safe to say that all fours feel intensity and want intensity. So I think how it manifests in each variant of the 4 is what differs.
I see them as accommodating. They can feel like they are invisible (so this is 9ish). Quiet at first, especially in groups (so they tend to just listen and don't participate) but as you get to know them one-on-one, they come out and are very playful. They may not even really seem like 4s because they are not going to actively stick out of the crowd and they can be known to be jokesters and REALLY silly/fun/flirty. I've even heard a 4 say that they go into recluse mode when their are feeling unhappy emotions so they don't share their negativity with others. They are very aware of others in that sense
From my experience, 4s who are social dominant have this tendency to talk a lot about their friends/family, in the sense that they talk about their connections to their friends and family and how they feel different from the family group or whatever group they happen to be in (maybe it's an academic group). They have strong tendency to generalize and say 'everyone is like this, but not me' or 'this person is like this, but not me'. Of course, they can relate to people too. They are not totally loners. I've noticed that they connect a bit to an individual, but never all the way to an individual. There are parts of themselves that they see in each person they get to know/be friends with.
As much as they feel like loners, they never truly are. They need people in some way. They enjoy alone time after spending a good amount of time with others. What's interesting is that (in terms of romantic relationships) they don't seem to be interested in letting themselves be "engulfed" in a relationship. So they won't abandon their current social group (family and friends they typically hang out with) once a romantic interest comes in their life. What's interesting is that they know they need people on some level and don't truly feel like they can be alone for too long. They may need someone else to indulge their need for laughter or serious talk.
They also seem to think of their identity in the context of something bigger than themselves, this still relates to them feeling defective, but it's more about how what seems to be the norm and how do I deviate from it or trying not to be the norm (so maybe they deny an aspect of themselves because they think it's not something they can get and/or it's something everyone seems to have but doesn't actually exist). They are true sociologists in a purse sense of the word. So they might say that people's romantic relationships aren't truly that deep and intense (this is them devaluing other people's internal experience), but they don't actually think they can get a deep relationship themselves and then pride themselves on not needing people. They also feel that they can't ask any one person to fulfill them on the "level" they want. This again, ties in with their social network, as they can get what they need in a more "diffuse" way, as they don't push a lone person to fulfill all their intensity needs. I should also clarify what I mean by needs: it's not physical, like food or money or shelter. It's more about them knowing that they need connection, but they meet people on the other person's level and build a relationship that way so they don't impose. It's all about not imposing themselves on others. I have a feeling that they would feel shame/embarrassed if they realized that they were imposing on others. Hence why some may not actively seek intense romantic interests as they don't want to impose until they know the person wants them around. They can participate fun shin-digs with attractive others, as long as its light because then they don't have to be vulnerable.
It would be great if 4s could read this and help me see what the general idea of social instinct is, and then how it connects to social 4.
Also, I know that the stereotype of sexual focused people being flirty and stuff like that and it's more about having a lust/drive for getting what they want (but 4s never get what they want in general, all 4s feel defective). But it seems that they difference between an so 4 and an sx 4 is that sx 4s will actively try anyway to squash their feelings of defectiveness and get what "others have"/be more actively vulnerable and so-4s are more 9ish and are more passive (and just say "I don't want what others have" or may be slow to realize what they want.
SX seems to be tied to merging with a specific thing/person, but an SO 4 would realize that they don't want to merge. Society today seems to romanticize the merging, but although a 4 wants intensity... that's not how a social dominant 4 wants intensity. I think they would actually be sick of that?? They need freedom to participate in other relationships, it seems.
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Thread: so/sp vs. so/sx 4
11-13-2016, 09:51 PM #1
so/sp vs. so/sx 4
11-17-2016, 06:26 PM #2
Hey! @thoughtlost I love me some instincts, so I'm glad you've broached this question! As much as I think this part of Enneagram is super valuable, I also think we often over-complicate it by thinking instinctual stack determines a lot more than it actually does. I hate to quote myself, but I'd rather do that than write essentially the same thing again (read: I am lazy).
I hope that helps!
11-17-2016, 07:55 PM #3
I'll try to explain what it means to me to be a social 4.
I am hyper aware of social dynamics, hierarchy, my and other's status within society. As a social 4 I want to avoid the feeling of social shame, therefore any sign that I feel are a threat for my social position, like humiliation, rejection or mockery are extremely hard for me to bear and they cause a strong awarness of my own self and my own behavior in society. I am´´self-aware and image focused when with other people and it's important for me to give just the right message of who I am and to be understood by others.
The other thing is that even though I have my own opinion about things, I ofen bite my tongue for the sake of harmony in a group, I sacrifice myself for the good of the group and for the sake of maintaining positive image among other people.
However there is a huge tension that comes with being a social first 4. I am often torn between staying true to myself, being an individuality and being a part of a group. That sometines culminates into my total social withdrawal, extreme stubborness or total rejection of the norms of a group.
The other thing is that as a 4 I always feel like I am "different" than others and I think this is HUGE thing and none of the description actually explains this... I usually see how I am different or other than a group of people or how people are different as a members or other social groups rather than individuals. So there are "my" social groups where I feel safe and I feel like I fit in and "the others".
11-19-2016, 11:08 AM #4
Thank you, guys!
Also, to be honest, I am writing from the perspective of a person who knows a 4w5 (pretty well because they is so vocal with their 4ness) and I thought that this would be my opportunity to really know how the instincts work (since I don't have any friends in real life that talk about this stuff). Normally, I would feel guilty prying ....but in this case I don't have to because they are really open with me.
I see how the instincts work in the person, yet I still feel like I am missing something (so I guess I need someone to help me point out the obvious). I can see how ALL of the instincts are found in the person (they like to see themselves as independent/thinks they don't need others, yet she realizes she does because all that 4 energy would eat away at her if she didn't express their feelings to others; so they oscillates between wanting to run away from the world and being with people. They hate being misunderstood, and would rather not share/talk if they feel that they would be). They are aware of their dependence on people understanding their views. So I would say they express a social instinct (except I don't think they don't exactly attract "negative" attention to themselves and it doesn't seem that they suffer from humiliation/mockery. They express that they think they are invisible, yet the person laughs a SHIT ton and can be theatrical in a funny way ...so she can bring attention that way. And when I first met the person, they loved to gossip/laugh.
What trips me up is the sexual part. Of course, they care about intensity and depth of connection. They seek out people they can connect with. So why am I not seeing them with a sexual dominant instinct? The person isn't competitive. They don't "push" until they are rejected (in fact, they feel like they give people too much space) because they don't want to assert their desires on others/so I don't see how they make people suffer. As I said earlier, the person has a tendency to deny themselves somethings, but they oscillate between that too (they LOVE looking for sales deals on anything). I can't really see them as sp-dom (mostly because I have spent the past 6 months listening to them express themselves ........ so I am not seeing the "suffer silently" thing lol. They really like having someone to talk to, it seems. Talking through their feelings is probably a major reason why we're friends.
Oh, that's the other interesting aspect about them. They actually have a lot of friends that serve different purposes (some make her laugh, some are great for philosophical discussions, and some help her process her feelings). I mean, this goes back to what I said earlier about how they know that one person cannot fulfill all their needs, so they need more than just a significant other in their lives (or at least they believe they do). This is the most interesting part for me. Although it seems that I am well-liked and seem like I have friends, I rarely reach out to people. Like, I feel like I legitimately ghost on people and it seems like the 4w5 doesn't despite her saying that she feels invisible to others and could just disappear. It's like I forget that I have people that I can call. The person's connection with others is very important to her.
This is why I have settled on 4w5 so/(sp or sx ...I really don't know) for her. Does all of this make sense @small.wonder ?
I know instincts aren't the most powerful thing, but I still wanted to understand how they work.You are so arbitrary.
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