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View Poll Results: Sp-firsts, what are the dominant instincts of your parents?

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  • So-first (both parents)

    2 22.22%
  • Sp-first (both parents)

    3 33.33%
  • Sx-first (both parents)

    0 0%
  • So-first + Sx-first

    0 0%
  • Sx-first + Sp-first

    2 22.22%
  • Sp-first + So-first

    2 22.22%

Results 1 to 9 of 9

  1. #1
    So she did. small.wonder's Avatar
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    Default How did we become Sp-first?

    This is the third in a series of threads/polls exploring the parental origins of individuals of each instinctual preference.

    I've recently had some really interesting and revealing conversations with friends and family around instincts. Specifically, I think I've hit on what made me prioritize Sx above So and Sp in my emotional hierarchy of needs (if you will). My own circumstances involve two Sp/Sx parents, both of which negated my needs for intimacy, in order to maintain their own first preferences of Self Preservation-- because my Sx needs were neglected, I fixated on them and overcompensated for the lack. This continued (and still does in my family) but developed me to be overly intense, direct and hungry for intimacy. Perhaps what's withheld from us growing up, or what we need most is what we place the most value and urgency on.

    After creating a thread and poll about Sx-first parental origins, (and finding really interesting results) I wanted to cover So and Sp first as well. As a Sp-first individual, do you feel like you were deprived/wounded in your emotional or physical need for provision or protection growing up? What did that experience look like? Feel free to share your own scenario of how you think your upbringing caused you to prefer Sp, regardless of what that looks like.

    I'm also curious about the parental types of Sp-first individuals-- check out the poll to participate. Thanks!
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    Likes grey_beard, Qlip liked this post

  2. #2
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    I am not certain of my parent's instincts....but I suspect
    Mom - 6w7 sp/sx
    Step-dad - 9 sp/so
    Dad - 7w8 so/sx

    What affected me growing up that may or may not be related to the instincts:

    - My family struggled a lot financially, and I felt a need to grow up and support myself so as to not be a burden on them. I almost never asked for anything, as I did not want to be a burden. I still dislike asking for help or appearing needy at all....independence is important to me to avoid neediness. I had to come to terms with "no man is an island ". I found emotional needs the most embarrassing, including admitting needs like friendship or romantic love. I dont like being served by people because it makes me feel like they think I need it, like I am high maintenance or demanding. I like the freedom to take care of myself. I like space to fulfill my own needs.

    - I felt unlikable and only loved out of obligation, not genuine affection for who I was. I felt rejected by both my dads, who took little interest in me. I never felt like a "favorite" with anyone; my sister and I would accuse my mom of holding the other as her favorite (she still denies this). I felt cared for, but insignificant, like an afterthought. I think my so blindspot hurt me here, because I didnt value social connections enough to see them as a means to gain personal importance to others....I thought it was a matter of being a fascinating individual, not politics. I never felt overt competition, but I see now that I was possessive towards loved ones, not wanting to "share" them. I think it was a reaction to not feeling favored by anyone and also feeling like I would only be valued if I filled a role, not for who I am.

    - I hated the small town life my parents chose. They wanted a simple, quiet, stable life, and I found it dull and stifling (isnt this true of most youth?). I was frustrated at how my parents never really went beyond the everyday experience. We never took family vacations, hardly met new people, didnt venture far from home, never did much at all beyond the daily grind. Their life seemed really boring to me. I felt a huge void in novelty and excitement in life, and I turned to my fantasies and booksो/art/music to fill that. I felt isolated and like I was inhibited from really living. I didnt identify with my parent's security seeking, and I still do not. A stable job and calm home life have come to represent what I do NOT want in life. It looks suffocating time, because it felt that way growing up.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  3. #3
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    I'm almost positive that my dad is 9w1 so/sp and my mom is 2w? so/sp. Both are in Christian ministry, so I grew up with a pretty strong social safety net. Although I've often felt like my parents' social relationships were parasitic or superficial, there have always been people hanging out, encouraging us, confiding in us (well, them, but I was always around to hear it), offering their time/resources/hand-me-downs/et cetera... I have a lot of connections through my family and I think I've always taken that security for granted, in a way. Especially because my younger brother has significant disabilities, I think people were more accepting of my eccentricities and shortcomings than they might have been otherwise. It's generally taken a lot for me to get embarrassed. My theory is that I wasn't confronted with serious enough repercussions early on.

    As for a sense of being wounded or deprived...I don't know. I do think my family's (immediate and extended) self-sacrificing tendencies have been harmful at times. I grew up witnessing people pushing themselves too hard and not doing enough for themselves. Losing touch with themselves. My brother is three years younger than me and had severe sensory dysfunction when he was young, so the transition from doted-on firstborn to protective older sister was probably a pretty significant point in my development, to say the least. I didn't want my needs or behavior to cause additional problems, so I looked after and closely monitored myself (and him).

    Also - you might have noticed that I've switched types a lot, but I'm completely sure now that I'm sp-first lol.

  4. #4
    Suave y Fuerte BadOctopus's Avatar
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    Interesting question. I suspect that my sp-first instinct is probably at least partly related to having less than supportive parents. I can't really fault them for it; growing up, my older siblings were extremely dysfunctional, and gave my parents no end of grief. I always hated the drama they created, and I saw the hell they put my parents through, and I decided that I didn't want to be like that. So I did what I was supposed to, stayed out of trouble, and minded my own business.

    The thing is, it didn't matter, because my parents were too busy dealing with my siblings and exhausted by the trouble they caused to notice. I honestly don't recall them ever commending me. It wasn't until after I moved out that they ever told me that they appreciated what a good kid I was. But by then it was kind of too late. I had realized that I wasn't going to find my sense of self-worth from outside sources, so I had to look inward for it. To this day, I instinctively try to keep myself from getting too close to people, because I guess I just expect them to let me down.

    Wow. That was probably too much honesty. Whoops.

  5. #5
    Post Human Post Qlip's Avatar
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    I suppose it does make sense if you relate my sp to my circumstances growing up. I am child 5 of 6 to tired inattentive parents. And my mother is highly self involved. This meant that much of my childhood was spent fending for myself, wandering alone up to my own devices in many different neighborhoods and schools. We never stayed in one place long enough for me to learn to rely on friends for support. It seems like a logical outcome.

  6. #6
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    I don't know how much of my sp-ness had to do with my childhood. My grandfather was killed in a horrific car accident at 55. Other than my dad (this was my mother's dad that died), people were really out of control with grief. It was hard to understand as a child but what I took away from that was that someone needs to remain in control, in a crisis. My parents were always there and always involved but not to the level they should have been. Not to the level that I now know, as a parent, kids need. There was nothing bad financially or about where we lived either.

    Self-preservation for me, really became apparent as a late teen/young adult. I don't think either of my parents are SP, maybe SO (dad) and SX (mom). My parents moved out of state when I was 19, I stayed behind and my brother lived with me to finish his last year of high school. I think those years, in addition to a bad marriage and a child by the time I was 22 and absolutely no guidance and no help whatsoever is what manifested sp in a big way.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  7. #7
    This is a test. Sil's Avatar
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    Interesting question. I'm not really sure how my sp manifested. I don't really see any major evidence of it from my childhood. It more manifested itself (and grew stronger) when I reached adulthood.

    I think maybe it became more pronounced after a series of screw ups on my part in terms of trusting others.

  8. #8
    Senior Member plastic ciel's Avatar
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    Mother who is Sp/so like me. General anxiety. Years of aggression, bullying and baseless accusations towards me.
    hello

  9. #9
    Senior Member plastic ciel's Avatar
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    Oh yeah, my parents enneagrams.

    Father: 8w9 sx/so
    Mother: 5w6 sp/so
    Mine: 3w4 sp/so
    hello

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