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View Poll Results: So-firsts: what are the dominant instincts of your parents?

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  • Sx-first (both parents)

    0 0%
  • So-first (both parents)

    2 15.38%
  • Sp-first (both parents)

    3 23.08%
  • Sx-first + So-first

    1 7.69%
  • So-first + Sp-first

    5 38.46%
  • Sp-first + Sx-first

    2 15.38%
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  1. #1

    Default How did we become So-first?

    This is the second in a series of threads/polls exploring the parental origins of individuals of each instinctual preference.

    I've recently had some really interesting and revealing conversations with friends and family around instincts. Specifically, I think I've hit on what made me prioritize Sx above So and Sp in my emotional hierarchy of needs (if you will). My own circumstances involve two Sp/Sx parents, both of which negated my needs for intimacy, in order to maintain their own first preferences of Self Preservation-- because my Sx needs were neglected, I fixated on them and overcompensated for the lack. This continued (and still does in my family) but developed me to be overly intense, direct and hungry for intimacy. Perhaps what's withheld from us growing up, or what we need most is what we place the most value and urgency on.

    After creating a thread and poll about Sx-first parental origins, (and finding really interesting results) I wanted to cover So and Sp first as well. As a So-first individual, do you feel like you were deprived/wounded in your emotional need for social interaction, or the opportunity to contribute socially growing up? What did that experience look like? Feel free to share your own scenario of how you think your upbringing caused you to prefer So, regardless of what that looks like.

    I'm also curious about the parental types of So-first people-- check out the poll to participate. Thanks!
    Find my Enneagram writing here. Also, I'd love for you to take my six question Enneagram surveyEnneagram survey!✨

  2. #2
    came back haunted EJCC's Avatar
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    I didn't answer the poll because I'm not totally sure. However, I am 100% sure that both of my parents are either social-first or social-second.

    I don't think woundedness made me social-first. I think my parents' social focus is what made me social-first. It feels hereditary. Like we were on the same wavelength from the beginning. Can't say the same about being sexual-second. I think any sx-style "merging" has been independent of what I've observed my parents doing.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nørrsken impersonating EJCC
    It's strange. I keep banning morons, but they keep signing up? What is this?
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  3. #3
    untitled Chanaynay's Avatar
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    Out of all 3 of the instincts I'm most sure I'm so, and I think it comes from a kind of rebellious attitude I had and still have towards my sp/sx father. I resented how he only concerned himself with survival and work and not honoring his passions. Over time I came to realize that what he does in his work actually is one of his passions (although he would not care to admit it himself) after observing how apathetic and monotone he is in his normal everyday life in comparison to how fired up and energized he is on a conference call but I still never understood how he went about his social life which was not going about it at all.

    He doesn't keep in touch with his family even though they've never had a falling out - it's a weird concept to me. I see my mom's side of the family quite a few times throughout the year while I feel like he only sees his family once every few years or so. I've actually only met a few family members from his side and it was when I was a kid so I only remember their pet parrot lol. He also makes contacts but once they're physically distant from each other he never stays in touch so in reality he doesn't really have any friends. He's very sp/sx in the sense that my mom and I are enough for him, but it's very different for us.

    I probably also didn't want to become like my dad because of how much my mom complained about those qualities to me. She tested as sx/so and I used to think she was so/sp but now I see her as so/sx much more. My dad probably isn't the healthiest sp/sx and can get mad when she goes out to socialize rather than spend the night at home with him. Not that they do anything special other than just sit around and kind of talk with each other in small bursts, but I guess my dad just doesn't like not having all of her focus on him. She feels very constricted in this sense and probably because of it I have a deep need for someone who is "socially competent" in the sense they we both have our own lives and can handle ourselves in social situations so there's no unhealthy dependency created between us. Even as a kid my mother would complain to me about how my dad has no friends and doesn't get out of the house much as a result. It made me realize that life isn't fun or worth living if you dedicate your time to the mundane details of life.

    Outside of instinctual reasons, I think I might have become so-first due to the family dynamic. I'm an only child so I already got a lot of attention from both of my parents who had to struggle to make something of themselves giving me more opportunities than they had when they were young. But because I never had a sibling I always detested the fact that I would always be doing things with my family rather than my peers who were actually at the same stages of development I was. For that reason I prioritize making connections and contacts with others particularly because 1) I don't like to do things with my parents because it feels mundane and 2) doing things with my parents already makes me feel alone, so I'd rather have fun with a group of friends instead.

    And that's it!

    Edit: haha this is so much in contrast with @EJCC. Maybe it's a difference in internalizing parenting between NF/SPs and SJs.
    7w6 - 2w3 - 8w7 sx/so


  4. #4
    came back haunted EJCC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chanaynay View Post
    Edit: haha this is so much in contrast with @EJCC. Maybe it's a difference in internalizing parenting between NF/SPs and SJs.
    I dunno, I could go for hours about how my parents made me 1w2/173. But my instinctual variants feel so -- hate to say it -- instinctual, that I feel the same way about them as I feel about my MBTI type. I think I had them right from the get-go. I acted ESTJ from as soon as I could talk, and I was social (in the Enneagram sense) from very early as well.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nørrsken impersonating EJCC
    It's strange. I keep banning morons, but they keep signing up? What is this?
    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
    1w2/7w6/3w4 so/sx (enneagram)
    lawful good (D&D) / ravenclaw + wampus (HP) / boros legion (M:TG)
    conscientious > sensitive > serious (oldham)
    want to ask me something? go for it!

  5. #5

    Default

    Thanks both of you! @EJCC and @Chanaynay

    It's true that I think there are differences. I even said in the Sx-first version of this thread, that I've long noticed a pattern of 1's specifically taking after their parents more than some other types-- that's not to say other types don't, I just know (and have been able to observe and deeply interview) a heck ton of 1's. It's why I'm posting these threads, because I want to know more-- and EJCC, your experience does sound congruent with that (once haphazard) theory. Of course, there are types that are more likely to conflict with their parents (I think 4, 5 and 8 specifically), and the Sx-first poll reflected heavily that Sx-firsts largely do not have the same instinctual preferences as their parents. The only 1 I know who is totally opposite first instincts from her parents, is Sx-first. It doesn't make for fact, or concrete or anything, but is a really fascinating pattern so far.
    Find my Enneagram writing here. Also, I'd love for you to take my six question Enneagram surveyEnneagram survey!✨
    Likes EJCC liked this post

  6. #6
    came back haunted EJCC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by small.wonder View Post
    Thanks both of you! @EJCC and @Chanaynay

    It's true that I think there are differences. I even said in the Sx-first version of this thread, that I've long noticed a pattern of 1's specifically taking after their parents more than some other types-- that's not to say other types don't, I just know (and have been able to observe and deeply interview) a heck ton of 1's. It's why I'm posting these threads, because I want to know more-- and EJCC, your experience does sound congruent with that (once haphazard) theory. Of course, there are types that are more likely to conflict with their parents (I think 4, 5 and 8 specifically), and the Sx-first poll reflected heavily that Sx-firsts largely do not have the same instinctual preferences as their parents. The only 1 I know who is totally opposite first instincts from her parents, is Sx-first. It doesn't make for fact, or concrete or anything, but is a really fascinating pattern so far.
    It's strange, because you'd think 1 parents would be more likely to raise rebellious children. Maybe it depends on whether the children are people-pleasers who care a lot about being "good kids" -- and whether the 1 parents act as effective role models to the children.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nørrsken impersonating EJCC
    It's strange. I keep banning morons, but they keep signing up? What is this?
    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
    1w2/7w6/3w4 so/sx (enneagram)
    lawful good (D&D) / ravenclaw + wampus (HP) / boros legion (M:TG)
    conscientious > sensitive > serious (oldham)
    want to ask me something? go for it!

  7. #7
    untitled Chanaynay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EJCC View Post
    I dunno, I could go for hours about how my parents made me 1w2/173. But my instinctual variants feel so -- hate to say it -- instinctual, that I feel the same way about them as I feel about my MBTI type. I think I had them right from the get-go. I acted ESTJ from as soon as I could talk, and I was social (in the Enneagram sense) from very early as well.
    Quote Originally Posted by small.wonder View Post
    Thanks both of you! @EJCC and @Chanaynay

    It's true that I think there are differences. I even said in the Sx-first version of this thread, that I've long noticed a pattern of 1's specifically taking after their parents more than some other types-- that's not to say other types don't, I just know (and have been able to observe and deeply interview) a heck ton of 1's. It's why I'm posting these threads, because I want to know more-- and EJCC, your experience does sound congruent with that (once haphazard) theory. Of course, there are types that are more likely to conflict with their parents (I think 4, 5 and 8 specifically), and the Sx-first poll reflected heavily that Sx-firsts largely do not have the same instinctual preferences as their parents. The only 1 I know who is totally opposite first instincts from her parents, is Sx-first. It doesn't make for fact, or concrete or anything, but is a really fascinating pattern so far.
    Oooh good point. I'm close family friends with an ISTJ 1w9 sp/so and he emulates his father a lot and has even admitted in doing so both intentionally and unintentionally.

    I think a lot of people perceive me as being ExFJ due to being so (and 2-fixed but that's another story). I know some have said the same about EJCC and I think it might be because so internalizes whatever the person sees as the ideal communication style to connect with others. It might be on a masculine/feminine axis as well as most of the friends I made after transitioning from homeschool to public high school were girly girls, while I know an ESFJ 2w3 so/sx guy who appears very masculine and thrill-seeking in an ESxP 7ish probably because so saw that as the ideal way to make friends. It's not until you look at his motivations and cognition you begin to realize he's that type underneath. And it makes sense since I'm pretty sure Jung said Fe was more "female" and Se was more "male". Oops, he said Ne was feminine not Fe.

    Although @Starry told me that as I get more and more mature it'll be harder to hide the "crazy" Pe impulses and she's been right so far so she could very well also be right in that I'm secretly sx/so.

    Quote Originally Posted by EJCC View Post
    It's strange, because you'd think 1 parents would be more likely to raise rebellious children. Maybe it depends on whether the children are people-pleasers who care a lot about being "good kids" -- and whether the 1 parents act as effective role models to the children.
    Well there is that parenting style thing @riva posted a while ago. I think Active style parenting made a Gut type child, so if you were a Responsive/people-pleaser child it would make sense to come out as a 1, while other Active children would come out as a more rebellious 8.
    7w6 - 2w3 - 8w7 sx/so


  8. #8
    You are what you love themightyfetus's Avatar
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    Just warning you: I misvoted! Both my parents (I think) are sp-first. Dad probably sp/sx and Mom sp/so.
    Do what your younger self never thought she could do.
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  9. #9

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    Not to complicate things here, but does it change things if your parents aren't who you live with/grew up with? I was just wondering, because my grandparents are who I live with/who raised me. I'm also super close to one of my uncle's, who most people usually mistake as my dad. Wow, my life is complicated. lol I would say that my mom could easily be an sp/sx (& she's an ISTP & probably a type 6). My grandma is probably an ESTJ type 8 so/sp. My grandpa is most definitely an ISFJ type 1w2 (or 2w1) sp/so. My uncle's for sure an ENFP type 9, I'd venture 9w8 sx/so. Not sure on my dad for instinctual variant, but he's an INTJ type 5, I believe.

  10. #10

    Default

    I need to read up on enneagram, I mistook this thread topic for a discussion of how people with iNtuitive traits to become more Sensing, which I think would be a great topic for a thread.

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