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  1. #1
    Member Turtle's Avatar
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    Default SX-lasters: How often do you feel a 'connection' with somebody? How does it manifest?

    I keep reading that SX-lasters find intimacy difficult, and that they connect with very few people on a deeper level partially due to their lesser need for connection. This hasn't been my experience with my ENTJ, who is a so/sp and a 3w4. He finds it difficult to connect with people on a deeper level (unless they are both talking about great ideas in computer science or some other topic related to hard science and/or math), and he is very reluctant to share the inner workings with his mind with just anyone. However, he was always very interested in who he felt he could "connect" with, and very aware of how well he connected with people. We were casual friends for about a month until one day we got into an extremely deep conversation that lasted for hours, and after that he locked on to me as someone he wanted to date (which I picked up on, even though he acted outwardly aloof about it until he was sure I felt the same way). We spent the next few months talking late into the night, every night. He fell in love with me very quickly (before we were even dating), and cites me as the first girl he truly connected with. Since then, EVERYTHING has been about "connection." Even in our current relationship, he places our "connection" over EVERYTHING else -- even physical intimacy. He would be perfectly content (and even prefer) snuggling and revealing the inner workings of his mind to me over doing anything physical. Even though he is a 3w4 and as an ENTJ, he keeps emphasizing how he wants to be authentic with me and reveal exactly how he works, even if it will "scare me." He is very intent on learning how I operate, and we typically get lost in conversation. To me, this is largely inconsistent with what I've read about so/sp. Don't get me wrong -- the sx-aux part of me (as a so/sx) loves the fact that he emphasizes our emotional connection over all else in our relationship. But if sx-lasters don't really place much emphasis on intimacy or deep connection, why does he seem to emphasize it above all else? For what it's worth, I do not think that he is anything other than so/sp.

  2. #2
    Entertaining Cracker five sounds's Avatar
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    Since I'm such a strong sx dom, hearing sx last perspectives is always very interesting to me. Thank you for starting this thread. Looking forward to the responses.
    You hem me in -- behind and before;
    you have laid your hand upon me.
    Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

  3. #3
    hypersane Hive's Avatar
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    i've often come across texts and enneagram scholars saying that the so instinct is equally if not more interested in interpersonal connection. (while sx could often be colder and even selfish.)

    if he emphasizes mental/emotional connection but doesn't care much for the physical side of it, i'd say it rhymes well with so/sp.
    I FEEL ALRIGHT

  4. #4
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    I very often feel deep connections to a particular someone, but they are always inaccurate and never reciprocated. I always daydream about love and someone I like without pursuing it ever, whenever I see someone I really like, I can't be myself and I just need to get away. These things aren't usually what I imagine them to be, it takes so much courage to even initiate something that is supposed to be so natural. In the meantime, I see all these people with their relationships, and I feel like shouting in their faces - 'How in the world do you do it?!?!?!?'... Oh well!

  5. #5
    Member Turtle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hive View Post
    i've often come across texts and enneagram scholars saying that the so instinct is equally if not more interested in interpersonal connection. (while sx could often be colder and even selfish.)

    if he emphasizes mental/emotional connection but doesn't care much for the physical side of it, i'd say it rhymes well with so/sp.
    Interesting! I am wondering, then, why sx-last is often associated with lack of intimacy/connection to spouse? Are they referring to physical intimacy, or feeling like their spouse is more like a friend than a lover? Because I could see this being the case with my ENTJ. Intimacy can feel isolating and sad if I don't know that he feels as deeply as I do in the moment.

  6. #6
    Member Turtle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noll View Post
    I very often feel deep connections to a particular someone, but they are always inaccurate and never reciprocated. I always daydream about love and someone I like without pursuing it ever, whenever I see someone I really like, I can't be myself and I just need to get away. These things aren't usually what I imagine them to be, it takes so much courage to even initiate something that is supposed to be so natural. In the meantime, I see all these people with their relationships, and I feel like shouting in their faces - 'How in the world do you do it?!?!?!?'... Oh well!
    Hm, that's another thing I've noticed with him. What he considers to be a close connection with someone can feel like just a casual friendship to them, because he lacks that personable sx-factor.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Turtle View Post
    Hm, that's another thing I've noticed with him. What he considers to be a close connection with someone can feel like just a casual friendship to them, because he lacks that personable sx-factor.
    Well I didn't mention anything like that and I can't relate to that at all.

  8. #8
    I could do things Hard's Avatar
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    sx last. I connect with others easily. Though nearly all of them feel it much stronger than I do. I very much want intimicy, but I am very in experienced with it, on some levels I don't "get it" (despite understanding it just fine on an intellectual level), and something about it in a way I can't articulate makes me uncomfortable. I've poured my heart and soul into others before, and a few have very much connected to me from doing so, but I don't really feel it myself. I want it, very much so but when I get close I get very anxious.

    I largely attribute it to having Aspergers when I was young though. Well, I still "have it", but you wouldn't know it unless you were around me for a very long time.
    MBTI: ExxJ tetramer
    Functions: Fe > Te > Ni > Se > Si > Ti > Fi > Ne
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    Socionics: β-E dimer | -
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    Alignment: Lawful Neutral
    External Perception: Nohari and Johari


  9. #9
    Member Turtle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noll View Post
    Well I didn't mention anything like that and I can't relate to that at all.
    Oh, I'm sorry. I was referring to the first sentence of your post. That was how I interpreted that first sentence, at least. My apologies.

  10. #10
    As Long As It Takes.... Redbone's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Turtle View Post
    Hm, that's another thing I've noticed with him. What he considers to be a close connection with someone can feel like just a casual friendship to them, because he lacks that personable sx-factor.
    This...very much.

    I know two so/sp's and heard them describe our interaction as "intense" and "deep" and it didn't feel like that to me. I can come away from their company still feeling "hungry" while they probably feel satisfied, stuffed, or on a negative tip, overwhelmed and relieved that I'm gone...I don't know. They just didn't/don't want the same kind of intimacy that I do (I admit it's hard...sp/sx creates this kind of feast/famine split). It just doesn't seem to interest them. Maybe that's not right...I don't think they are even aware of it or find it very important. Kinda like how I'm blind to so-instinct stuff. I just don't see it as important at all.

    I find it frustrating and a little lonely.

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