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  1. #1
    Senior Member lue's Avatar
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    Default The other side of SX

    Does anyone have any experience with the "negative" side of SX? I think I read somewhere that it can also be a complete rejection of intimacy/attraction, ie. being repulsed by it.

    If so, what was your experience with that? And how did you work your way out of it?

  2. #2
    untitled Chanaynay's Avatar
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    @Sanjuro might know.
    7w6 - 2w3 - 8w7 sx/so


  3. #3
    Senior Member Sanjuro's Avatar
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    I know about it.

    I can be so anti-sexual-first that I originally assumed I was sx-last. I do everything I can to repress my sx-first needs from consciousness, and other people have suggested I'm sx-last as well. I'm not, I'm just virulently anti-sexual-first.

    For me, it's not so much that I "avoid" intimacy as I am in total denial that I could ever need such a thing. Relationships are for wimps, I have no sexual needs, and you should really get a room. PDA-indulgers should be shot. I don't CARE about your homosexual agenda. Etc. So, I thought sx-last since I have such an adverse reaction to this stuff.

    Later, though, I began to see how much my life really has been dictated by wandering, experimentation, and me following my own individual passions; how readily I overlooked my physical and social needs; how obsessive with my interests I truly am. Then I read something about how sx-firsts are painfully aware of the "attractiveness/sexual desirability" scale in any given situation; how they envy those with better relationship-building capacities and those who are higher on the "hierarchy"; how this can cause self-esteem issues and envious torment...and thus I saw the handwriting on the walls. My neurosis was pegged!

    It was like pouring alcohol on a wound--pretty much my entire life, I've been stuck thinking I'm some sort of hideously undesirable thing, painfully aware of how I came out on the bottom of every hierarchy, how no one would ever want me, and otherwise creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yet I HAD to suppress this from conscious thought--and certainly from the people around me--because doing otherwise would bring too much pain, inferiority, and shame to the surface. I did this by virulent rejection and adamant hatred of everything listed under most sx-first descriptions. Then I'd go home and dwell upon why I was so deprived and my life so unfair. But no one ever saw this; indeed they thought I was a man-hating prude.

    Generally, then, the "anti" part revolves around sexual/desirability issues, but can also revolve around intense experiences and who gets to hang out with awesome people. I HATE people who got a better tale to tell about life than I do (vain, much?) and feel less-than by comparison. I resent it when the "awesome" people all get taken by folks more awesome than me. So, I can swing around being very avoidant toward areas where I feel my experiences aren't up to snuff or I'm sure I'll be rejected by the awesome folks (Note: NOT necessarily the popular folks), similarly to how I do with the prior issues. "I didn't need that junk anyway!"

    My self esteem really does rest on me being desirable, having intense experiences to share, and being able to interact with those I find extraordinary in some way. If I am denied that, I take it out on myself and avoid these situations to avoid further exposing my shameful lack of instinctfulness.

    I wish I could give advice on how I "worked my way out of it", but it's more or less my Big Issue in life, and I doubt it will ever be gotten over, especially now that I'm 30+. This isn't something I do "in a bad mood", this is a permanent orientation. ( I'm always slightly skeptical of people saying "I'm social-first cause I get, like, really anti-social when I'm unhealthy". Sure you do, kid. That's called being PISSED OFF DURING A BAD MOOD.) A warped instinct is extremely painful and, as near as I can tell, not all that easy to work out.

  4. #4
    Senior Member lue's Avatar
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    you should really get a room.
    Yes. Ew.

    me following my own individual passions; how readily I overlooked my physical and social needs; how obsessive with my interests I truly am. Then I read something about how sx-firsts are painfully aware of the "attractiveness/sexual desirability" scale in any given situation; how they envy those with better relationship-building capacities and those who are higher on the "hierarchy";
    Yes to all this. Sidebar: I've been trying to figure out my heart fix. At first I thought 3w4, but now I'm thinking 4w3 because my need for uniqueness and individuality is stronger than my need for success. But the whole envy thing doesn't sit well for me, and I read Beatrice Chestnut's sexual 4 description and I was just like , I can't relate and that's not pretty at all. But, I was repulsed at first by my 9 as well.

    Generally, then, the "anti" part revolves around sexual/desirability issues
    Yep. I'm not around too many people, so that other factor doesn't really affect me. But when I see anything relating to sexuality or desirability, all I can think about is germs. I am repulsed by it.

    This isn't something I do "in a bad mood", this is a permanent orientation. ( I'm always slightly skeptical of people saying "I'm social-first cause I get, like, really anti-social when I'm unhealthy". Sure you do, kid. That's called being PISSED OFF DURING A BAD MOOD.) A warped instinct is extremely painful and, as near as I can tell, not all that easy to work out.
    Well, you might be skeptical of me because it's not a permanent orientation for me, I wasn't like this in the past. I think it has something to do with my health-level (it's been almost two years of being like this).

  5. #5
    Senior Member Sanjuro's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lue View Post
    Well, you might be skeptical of me because it's not a permanent orientation for me, I wasn't like this in the past. I think it has something to do with my health-level (it's been almost two years of being like this).
    In my case, it had to do with the opposite sex telling me I was ugly and disgusting for many years...overall health level was reasonably OK.

    My feeling is they are separate, because I've recently undergone extreme crises that have left me struggling not to become truly clinically "unhealthy", and the sx-first issues have died back in the cynicism of my own mindset. I think if I were put in a familiar position, though, they would revert to the same. But I see unhealth and instinctual neurosis as two different things in my own case.

  6. #6
    Entertaining Cracker five sounds's Avatar
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    i am really put off by the over-sexualization of things. i've experienced some shame about my sexuality, or for having sexual desires and needs, partially because i see sex as something beautiful and natural that is so often exploited and defiled. it has made me feel uncomfortable about sharing my own sexuality for fear of it being warped into something else once it's out there. or worse, fear that i'm using it in such a way.

    as i've grown older, i'm much more comfortable with my own sexuality, and am happy to see what i perceive as healthy expressions of sexuality and love between others. glamorized sex in the media still really gets me, and i still feel sensitive to the topic in general. it's something important to me, so i can have intense reactions both ways about it.
    You hem me in -- behind and before;
    you have laid your hand upon me.
    Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

  7. #7
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    the sexual instinct sometimes gets thrown in there with intimacy. same for the social instinct and socializing. intimacy pertains more to the feeling center imo, not sx..type two's approach to seduction is very forthright in their desire for intimacy since they pull the most from that center. the more out of touch a person is with the feeling center the more ruthless they get in the area of their instinctual variant...sx gets reckless and aggressive...more provocative in their desire to destroy the status quo...competitiveness and exhibitionism the sx-instinct is laced with a more destructive edge.

  8. #8
    Senior Member AzulEyes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by five sounds View Post
    i am really put off by the over-sexualization of things. i've experienced some shame about my sexuality, or for having sexual desires and needs, partially because i see sex as something beautiful and natural that is so often exploited and defiled. it has made me feel uncomfortable about sharing my own sexuality for fear of it being warped into something else once it's out there. or worse, fear that i'm using it in such a way.

    as i've grown older, i'm much more comfortable with my own sexuality, and am happy to see what i perceive as healthy expressions of sexuality and love between others. glamorized sex in the media still really gets me, and i still feel sensitive to the topic in general. it's something important to me, so i can have intense reactions both ways about it.
    I agree with the oversexualization in the media- essentially- people ruin a good thing. I try to avoid it where I can though it is difficult. Growing older only served to enhance my stable sexual image of myself and how I view my sexuality. I think there is a lot to be said about keeping your sex life private and leaving an air of mystery. I don't need to compete with some broad who decided to strip naked in front of a camera and perform sex acts like a trained monkey- sorry- that is pretty much what modern porn has come down to. It's a sacred experience between two people that is unique to them- and simply not comparable.
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  9. #9
    Senior Member lue's Avatar
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    @Sanjuro Yeah, it's possible that the variant and health are separate for me as well. But it seems it's become even more warped during my unhealthy times. Warped and non-existent, I have no desire for one to one connection.

    i am really put off by the over-sexualization of things.
    I can relate to this.

    the negative side of sx is recklessness and aggression
    Yeah, but those are already considered characteristics of sx I think. Do you mean more of it? I was talking about the opposite of how the instinct is usually described or experienced. For example, not scanning the room for a spark, or being repulsed by it?

    the more out of touch a person is with the feeling center the more ruthless they will be in the area of their instinctual variant
    Why do you say this?

    rejection of intimacy nuancing the way they interact in those different instinctual arenas.
    This makes sense to me.

  10. #10
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    I am SX to the point where I suspect I lack any other stacking. For me it has always meant that if my connections with others aren't 'complete' as in all encompassing,pure, momentous, amazing, unique then I drop any connection at all. I feel an overwhelming need for even friendships to be some rare and precious thing. Heaven help anyone who destroys any such connection with me by failing to be infallible.

    In other words it leads me into super ridiculous expectations of perfection, and to be totally unforgiving of people as they are. Consequently I live a life completely cut off from society as I cannot find a way to accept human nature for what it is. My satisfaction in life now comes from creating things of value (that changes every week) but I've come to the conclusion that sitting on the magnetic pole of human connections with its constant oush and pull is too crazy making most of the time.

    Relationship wise all of them have started intensely then crashed a burned when I experienced disappointment in others. Yes, yes don't lecture me about the problem being me etc. I am only too aware, which is why I live seperate from society with as fleeting and little contact with others as possible. Everyday for me is an exercise in anger as I witness people being crap, trying to manipulate, gain advantage and cheat each other. Its as if humans have nothing better to do than be shit to each other.

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