This also gets exasperated because I obsess over the person at home. I obsess over someone so much when they're not there, that once they are there, I can't possibly be honest. I have nothing to say. Like
Him: "What did you do yesterday?"
If I were to be truthful:
Me: "Wrote part of a shitty song about how you don't love me and never will, worked out so I would look half as good as any of your exes, bought new clothes to express who I REALLY am at this point in my life to make sure you would see, thought about you all night, thought about calling you but ended up on the toilet… three times."
But instead I scramble for something so it's like this:
Me: "Umm.. I um.. I went shopping. I mean.. I'm not really the type of person who shops. I mean. of course I shop. but I don't like shopping. But uhm.. yeah.. and I was practicing piano a bit. …
Him: Oh you play piano? I'd like to hear you sometime.
If I were to be truthful:
Me: "OMG really you're interested in hearing me!!!?? Maybe you'd fall in love with me then.. wait.. NO. I can't play in front of you because I'm not good enough at JUST piano without vocals.. and overall your band is so much more amazing than mine. And even if you think I'm good, you will know what an asshole I am if you hear the lyrics to my songs. The sentiments of your songs are so much more loving and pure, and you would rightfully refuse to get involved with me.."
But instead I say:
Me: Um.. well I..don't really like playing for people..
Him: I thought you were in a band.
Those thoughts don't pass through my mind in the moment. I'm only writing what I would say if I were totally honest, and why it wouldn't even occur to me to actually say it. But when you can't say the truth, it leaves you with nothing. At least for me since I don't lie or make things up. I don't really have room for thoughts because I just feel frozen, trying to say something I can actually say, or think at all. Your description of the "heavy air" and overwhelm was spot on.
That last part… ugh. If I'm attracted to someone, I always feel like I'm taking up his time, annoying him, like he's doing me a favor I don't deserve by responding , like he would much rather be elsewhere and if he is kind enough to tolerate me it's out of politeness. This is why I need him to call first, make all the first moves, etc. I need to know I am wanted, otherwise I automatically presume I am unwanted.I definitely get a sense of the air changing between me & the other person, as if it gets heavier & harder to move through. But I feel a distinct sp slant, in that I want to run from someone I find attractive for a sense of relief, to not feel "intruded" upon by their existence, or to not feel overwhelmed with the expectations I cannot meet (ones I've often set for myself). But then once I'm alone, I will fantasize about them extensively, feel the longing from that void of being disconnected, & be driven to make more contact sooner than later. There's a lot of self-sabotage.
I also start imagining how burdened & repelled the person would be to know I find them attractive. But I do things to bring attention to myself, while remaining aloof in demeanor. Fails every time.