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View Poll Results: Which would you choose?

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  • Super Peaceful, No Drama, but Predictable

    4 19.05%
  • Extreme passion and ecstacy, but sometimes anger, jealousy and shit like that.

    17 80.95%
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  1. #41
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zarathustra View Post
    I don't mean this in a nasty way -- I've always liked you -- but...

    Don't you find that to be rather cowardly?

    It is clearly due to inferior Fi.
    Allright, but what am I suppsed to do? Start enjoying heated arguments in a relationship? I've had them in the past and it simply doesn't work, they destroy my feelings and make me resent the person. It's a trait that can create big problems for me in a LTR. A non-heated discussion is totally okay.
    ENTj 7-3-8 sx/sp

  2. #42
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    but when you CARE about stuff you wave your arms around & a passionate tone enters the voice. Arguing in an animated manner (arguing is NOT the same as "fighting") is "normal". I
    Ah, sure, that's totally normal. When I think about "fighting", I think about shouting very loudly and insulting each other.
    ENTj 7-3-8 sx/sp

  3. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by FDG View Post
    Allright, but what am I suppsed to do? Start enjoying heated arguments in a relationship? I've had them in the past and it simply doesn't work, they destroy my feelings and make me resent the person. It's a trait that can create big problems for me in a LTR. A non-heated discussion is totally okay.
    Hmm...

    Good question...

    I'm not gunna say you have to start liking them, nor start looking for them...

    What I would say is that you should try not to run away just because they do arise.

    The FPs could probably give some better advice, but I would try just being in the moment with those feelings.

    Experience them, experience what they feel like, communicate with your partner, don't just shy away from them.

    I mean, maybe you have a phenomenal way of dealing with conflict, so this is completely and totally unnecessary.

    But there's something about the way you put things that seemed highly avoidant and suppressive.

    And I don't think just running away from these moments is necessarily the best response.

    Sorry, I know that prolly wasn't the most helpful response, but I suppress Fi too.

    As I said, a caring FP might be able to offer a more helpful answer.

  4. #44
    Entertaining Cracker five sounds's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zarathustra View Post
    Hmm...

    Good question...

    I'm not gunna say you have to start liking them, nor start looking for them...

    What I would say is that you should try not to run away just because they do arise.

    The FPs could probably give some better advice, but I would try just being in the moment with those feelings.

    Experience them, experience what they feel like, communicate with your partner, don't just shy away from them.

    I mean, maybe you have a phenomenal way of dealing with conflict, so this is completely and totally unnecessary.

    But there's something about the way you put things that seemed highly avoidant and suppressive.

    And I don't think just running away from these moments is necessarily the best response.

    Sorry, I know that prolly wasn't the most helpful response, but I suppress Fi too.

    As I said, a caring FP might be able to offer a more helpful answer.
    i'm sure other FPs can add to this, but i think my personal approach when heated things come up is to let the emotions happen, then try to get to the bottom of why in as calm and open of a way as possible. there's always a reason behind a flareup of feelings and it's often an issue that needs to be attended to.
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  5. #45
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FDG View Post
    Ah, sure, that's totally normal. When I think about "fighting", I think about shouting very loudly and insulting each other.
    Perhaps we're on the same page & it's a matter of terminology then.

    As I speculate below, are you more comfortable with this kind of interaction when it's family?

    Quote Originally Posted by Zarathustra View Post
    Hmm...

    Good question...

    I'm not gunna say you have to start liking them, nor start looking for them...

    What I would say is that you should try not to run away just because they do arise.

    The FPs could probably give some better advice, but I would try just being in the moment with those feelings.

    Experience them, experience what they feel like, communicate with your partner, don't just shy away from them.

    I mean, maybe you have a phenomenal way of dealing with conflict, so this is completely and totally unnecessary.

    But there's something about the way you put things that seemed highly avoidant and suppressive.

    And I don't think just running away from these moments is necessarily the best response.

    Sorry, I know that prolly wasn't the most helpful response, but I suppress Fi too.

    As I said, a caring FP might be able to offer a more helpful answer.


    Going by his above quote, I wonder if this is a trust matter.

    He noted he's most sensitive to heated conflict with non-family.
    It's pretty normal to need a certain level of trust with someone to be vulnerable enough to handle with conflict with them.
    Having too high a bar for who you will trust can be a way to avoid vulnerability, such as the possibility of being "wrong" (a common Te-dom sensitivity). It's always easier to be "wrong" with someone you know cares for you & would not use it against you.

    It's also a matter of recognizing how & when conflicts create/strengthen a bond vs weakening it. You have to be vulnerable for it to create or strengthen the bond. I'm thinking of, say, welding where the metal has to be heated so it softens a bit & can be joined with another piece, then it cools & they harden into one.
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  6. #46
    Aquaria mrcockburn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    I'm not sx-dom, but I like a "healthy" argument. It might be cultural, as my mom's side is Latin in origin, but when you CARE about stuff you wave your arms around & a passionate tone enters the voice. Arguing in an animated manner (arguing is NOT the same as "fighting") is "normal". I think it bonds us as a family, because we can operate on that level & know we still have each other's back in any situation where we need to be a united front. You also really learn someone's real feelings & inner workings in these moments. Nothing is taboo. There can be something kind of shallow about not ever arguing.

    I've never had jealousy issues or that kind of drama in relationships, but not being able to rant or disagree passionately would be a problem. Attraction seems to require a kind of "tension" at times & I guess creating some healthy tension here & there can maintain attraction.
    Yeah culture's got to be a part of it. A Norwegian SX would probably seem like a Colombian SP.
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  7. #47
    brainheart
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    Quote Originally Posted by mrcockburn View Post
    Yeah culture's got to be a part of it. A Norwegian SX would probably seem like a Colombian SP.
    A good point. I've got an Italian/Irish combo while my husband is English/German. When he met my family he was stunned. He said, "Your family is always yelling at each other and fighting." I was confused. "What are you talking about?" I asked. "That's called having a conversation. Meanwhile, your family doesn't even talk." (My interpretation of never raising your voice.)

  8. #48
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by brainheart View Post
    A good point. I've got an Italian/Irish combo while my husband is English/German. When he met my family he was stunned. He said, "Your family is always yelling at each other and fighting."
    Okay, then perhaps I may interpret fighting as something else that's meant in this thread. Anger in a relationship = throwing dishes, calling names, neighbors calling the police, etc.
    Anything else (lower in emotional content) is just a "discussion".
    ENTj 7-3-8 sx/sp

  9. #49
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    Very interesting thread. Not sx-dom, but like several have already noted, I see a lot of relevance in the cultural upbringing which then impacts peoples' relationship styles, what they view as 'norm', tons of conditioning that occurs that' can be challenging to reverse / overcome in light of being in a totally different context.

    I came from a family that essentially didn't talk, lots of repression, uber 'proper', no heated discussions, nothing at all resembling raised voices in any heated/prolonged sense (any 'heatedness' came out as brief snippy commentary, pretty rarely, rather than really working through things). Northern european culture meets sp-dom meets ISJ. As a result, thanks to my upbringing (lol), I tend to get highly anxious / view any type of conflict as a Fight / a very bad thing. Which, of course, it isn't, it's actually an aspect of an intimate relationship (and I wouldn't describe my family/ cultural history as 'intimate', hence I've had to figure it out on my own). I'm learning; but, fwiw, I have an aversion to the type of relationship my parents have. I want a lot, lot more intimacy and bonding, even if it's outside my comfort zone at times due to how I was raised/dynamics I was exposed to beginning at a very young age. But, 'comfort zone' in this context is not fulfilling for me, it's stagnant.
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  10. #50
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    2 just happens to me, can't help it.

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