[sx] Do SX doms get bored if their relationship is too peaceful?

[Starry]

Yes. I don't even understand why the fights and drama would even be a problem (in theory), especially if the overall relationship is 90% ecstatic. (Hell, if all my students got 90% on their exams, I'd feel like a god.) "90%" is an absurdly high ecstasy rate.

^^ I'm laughing because I pondered this question...not having seen the 90% figure haha.

I think this is great. I was raised by 9s, and no one ever argued. EVER....

My parents are both becoming old and ill. They're miserable without realizing it (my mom thinks she's happy, stepdad keeps playing martyr about "getting through life so that he can be reunited with Jesus", which he won't be, because of the psychological atrocities he wrought upon me), and their lives are loveless, empty, and pointless. Losers, just drifting pointlessly through life, unattached to themselves or anything else. They're the ones your mom warned you about. The marriage hasn't fallen apart, but their bonds more or less have. As my sister observes, "We were like 4 unrelated people with nothing in common living together in the same house."

It won't happen to me.

Sanjuro...I always get the best feeling from you. I know, when I read one of your posts, that I am reading something entirely pure. That nothing has been muddied or obscured by an image that wishes to be upheld or an unreasonably optimistic, socially appropriate or pessimistic slant. That you're not 'talkin' just because you like listening to the sound of your own voice...but rather there's purpose to everything you express.

So many times when I go to read a post... all I can see are jumbled words thrown-up on the screen and it will soon occur to me that it's the 'varnish' I can't find my way around. That it's not grammar or sentence structure or typos that cause me confusion but the level of impurity...and so it comes as no surprise that your posts are a breeze for me to read.

^^With all of that said... I am amazed in a way that you are who you are...having just read where you came from. I agree with you that the interpersonal/inter-relational style which commits itself to not sweeping issues under the rug for the sake of (false) harmony (leaving each individual subject to building resentments and acts of passive-aggression...all of which will eventually become impossible to address)...is the healthier of the two. But I'm still going to take this opportunity to acknowledge that this is not how things are done in the outside world. In other words, my family is forever bonded...and yet we've all experienced struggles navigating a society that ultimately looks and feels a lot like what you are describing of your family. As I've explained...I can't navigate 'varnish'...which is quite unfortunate when you consider this being the primary substance holding all of society-dom together.

I should also say that my parents were both unintentionally neglectful of my siblings and I...in spite of the fact we were always around them. It took me years to understand this but... because they were both raised in extended families...I believe they completely missed how much more involved parents must be if raising children in a single family unit in upwardly-mobile-white-suburbia. They were very much into each other...as were my grandparents before them. The only difference is my grandparents could afford to be completely enthralled with each other because there were 20 other relatives around raising my parents.

My father gave us the world materially and intellectually... My mother kept us on time and scheduled... My siblings...we all knew we were loved... but we were very much on our own emotionally...and left to try and make sense of the world (how to thrive.) Their energy went into each other...so they raised a brood of children that are book-learned, honest and feel comfortable in long-standing relationships...but struggle with everything else. All this to say that I super-suck at problem solving as well...I merely came by this a different way.

I'm thinking brainheart is getting it right though...

 

[Evo]

but I would try just being in the moment with those feelings.

Experience them, experience what they feel like, communicate with your partner, don't just shy away from them.

when heated things come up is to let the emotions happen

These both sound like really difficult things to do. ^

I am not sx dom, so this is probably a little off topic.

But are you saying (as advice in this exact thread) that Fi inferior is supposed to do this in the moment of the fight. (And by fight mean getting loud and emotional at each other. Maybe even in each others faces?)

I agree with FDG. That would be a deal breaker if I had those kind of fights.

It feels practically impossible to just experience my emotions in the moment. Impossible. It would take me forever.

I usually just walk away before anything damaging is said. Then revisit it later when I'm calm. (Mind you, it takes a lot for me to even get into these all out fights. There must have been some extreme build up.)

 

[greenfairy]

I don't think peace and predictability has to come at the expense of great sex. Maybe a little jealousy is fine, but that can be worked out. I don't think I'm Sx dom, just pointing this out.

And in my experience I don't have great sex with people with whom I have legitimate issues. There was that one guy, but the issues eventually killed the passion.

 

[mrcockburn]

Regarding the 90% figure....yes you are in ecstacy BUT...

The 10% is HELL. Screaming at each other, saying you hate each other, throwing lamps at the wall near them, throwing their shit out the window, tears, "breaking up" (even though you always make up again), etc.

 

[mrcockburn]

Basically this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Q3wmx8EBVk

 

[FDG]

I agree with FDG. That would be a deal breaker if I had those kind of fights.

It feels practically impossible to just experience my emotions in the moment. Impossible. It would take me forever.

I usually just walk away before anything damaging is said. Then revisit it later when I'm calm. (Mind you, it takes a lot for me to even get into these all out fights. There must have been some extreme build up.)

Right, that's what I do with people I care about. Perhaps the solution would be to avoid such "build-up", but we are back to the starting point meaning that no fight would then take place.

 

[FDG]

Basically this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Q3wmx8EBVk

This fight I could take, let's say once or maximum twice in the course of a whole relationship lasting a couple of years. They're not shouting that hard.

 

[Evo]

Right, that's what I do with people I care about. Perhaps the solution would be to avoid such "build-up", but we are back to the starting point meaning that no fight would then take place.

This fight I could take, let's say once or maximum twice in the course of a whole relationship lasting a couple of years. They're not shouting that hard.

Exactly, to both of these.



I think I just figured out one of the reasons why I don't do these kind of fights, or will only put up with them on a very, very rare occasion.

They would be a blow to my optimism. I can't just go around everyday, or every month, having that knocked down. It's what keeps me alive

The only reason why I can even tolerate the scene from the notebook is cause the fight almost comes fully back around.

When he says "Well that's what we do, we fight." The tension, for me, lifted a little. And the tension was caused by not knowing where he stood with her. His actions and words did not seem to represent that he wanted her to stay.

I don't know how people can do those kinda fights. (with people they care about)

 

[Azure Flame]

90% ecstasy and 10% drama sounds like the perfect relationship.

 

[Venus Rose]

Would you consider Peaceful and serene but 'passion and ecstasy' at the same time? I don't think SX firsts are bored so much with 'peacefulness' (indeed some might want that in a relationship) as they are with a relationship that is un-engaging. Peaceful =/= boring. I don't like "anger, jealousy, or shit like that," specially anger. It might actually end up breaking the relationship if it's bad enough, at least that is how I imagine it. I need someone who is sensitive and passionate.

 

[Earl Grey]

This poll has made me realize I truly am an outlier for the most part in this.
I was thinking, "Who on earth would pick option #2?" and then saw the results.

EDIT: Also, my variant stacking is sp/so or so/sp.

 

[notmyapples]

I would like to say #1 because that seems like the mentally sane answer, but I realize I've vented and abandoned multiple relationships like such, romantic or platonic, simply for being too boring/predictable. Drama and negative quarrels are not necessary, but unpredictability is essential. Anything else and I quickly grow resentful. Neither are ideal, but #2 beats #1 by far.

 

[j.c.t.]

First choice, pretty sure I'm sp/sx. Though I'm sure most agree that something in between is best.

 

[Hellena Handbasket]

I pretty much have the first two of each in my relationship. Its intense and passionate with very little drama.
And as much as I like to say I'd choose the first, my need for that fiery passion and intensity means I'd more than likely choose the second. Anger, jealousy etc are normal human reactions. Its all in how you deal with them as they come up.

 

[PumpkinMayCare]

I don't care for much drama in relationships, I've never wanted jealousy "or some shit like that" being present in my relationships and for the most part they never did. I experience enough drama in every day life, and when I finally come home after a long day, I wanna have it comfy, and spend my time with a person who doesn't bring up even more drama. Still some kind of drama (as in arguments and discussions) can and should not be avoided in relationships - I've never wanted a partner that just swallows their anger or disappointement, rather than bringing it up. But it should be all in good measure - if every little thing sets the partner off, it's unreasonable and I wouldn't wanna deal with that either.

As for predictability, I enjoy the rather predictable nature of my relationship. I work a lot and although I like diversity, just changing the restaurants we go to from time to time or trying out some new hobby together every three months is enough change for me. I get my battles in every day life, I don't need more than neccessary in my relationship.

 

[Wunjo]

No.

Peacefulness and passion, intensity can coexist, if one decides to make them so.

 

[rav3n]

Stacking will influence. As an sx/sp, unnecessary drama triggers my sp spidey sense so I emotionally withdraw to observe, so it's a big pass from me for dysfunctional relationships. But drama-free passion is necessary and possible, along with deep intimacy and connection.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

I would like to say #1 because that seems like the mentally sane answer, but I realize I've vented and abandoned multiple relationships like such, romantic or platonic, simply for being too boring/predictable. Drama and negative quarrels are not necessary, but unpredictability is essential. Anything else and I quickly grow resentful. Neither are ideal, but #2 beats #1 by far.

I find that I also get bitter and withdraw, becoming even harder to please. Contempt grows from there.
For me, my partner needs to be assertive and individualistic, his own man, and able to basically literally sweep me off my feet.

I've had this once in my life and feel cagey when I don't.

 

[Firebird 8118]

If I was with anyone else, I'd bored if there was no passion...

Drama is a different matter. Since it's from my end, it's something that I've gotta kick out of my life, heh...

 

[Lady Lazarus]

When I was more immature, yes. But picking fights and inflicting psychological abuse were all I had to work off in terms of real world models of relationships. The more idealistic conceptions that were probably (aside from the focus and intensity) why my BF's stayed with me came from within myself alone. Those were free of pathology.

However, as an adult, I definitely know much better than to apply what I saw in my parents' relationship to my own relationships. Mostly because I am aware that I will never allow myself to be abused or taken advantage of so there is no need to abuse others as a countermeasure. So, now it's a no.

Admittedly, I still have a very difficult time thinking of subjecting someone to any sort of relationship with me as anything but partially a curse of some kind for the other party.