I've been studying the enneagram obsessively lately, but I still can't figure out my instinctual variants. I feel like I am dominant in all of them and deficient in all of them at the same time. I think it's because I'm a type 9; I relate to everything!
I'm also really confused about how sx manifests itself in 9s. The descriptions of sx-lasts sound a lot like the characteristics of unhealthy 9s. Here's a description I found:
"subvert the fiery energy. Tamping down the fire. Procrastinate, don’t honor your passion, hard to act on the passion—postpone. Avoid anything stimulating. Inertia. Fear of being a boring person and amazed that someone wants to spend time with you. Afraid of having no juice."
I experience some of the things above, especially the procrastination, inertia, and fearing that I am boring, yet I'm not sure if I'm really an sx last because I do tend to chase after intensity. I'm drawn towards things and people I feel will make me passionate because I feel like I am completely lacking in passion. I'm attracted to larger than life personalities and over- the top art, but I am far from over the top or larger than life. I am even-keeled but love the melodramatic. When I first discovered the enneagram I reeeaaally wanted to be a 4 because it just sounded like the most appealing type to me. I'm a paradox!
So what does this mean? Am I an sx last looking to fill the things I feel deficient in, or are these just typical 9ish traits and I'm completely misunderstanding instinctual variants?