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  1. #41
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    not necessarily. they will rely on others' definition of the situation the least, whereas so/sp, will rely on others' definition of the situation the most. sx doesn't check in with other people's expectations nearly as much. it does so more strategically in the process of directing and influencing and progressing towards a goal that is highly personal.

    like in sex, for instance, it's not that inherent, oh, i've gotta meet the other person's expectations before i can fulfill myself. it just focuses more so on where it's going, and assumes others have a responsibility to influence and express and go after their own fulfillment. it's perspective when relating is one based on fulfillment, on deepest desire, not expectations or agreements or commitment to roles. when it's trying to be validated by others, it doesn't wait to see what validation they have to offer, it tries to win the validation it wants by conquering them, by identifying with the power, the raw attraction, flowing through the situation and wielding it.

    so/sp types can be in this mode too, but it's often more formal, and more unaware of what is driving it. i know so/sp types that just want to be exactly whatever it is that others want, and i know so/sp types that unconsciously act out their desires in ways that presume a distance by attributing their own contradictions to the social games they find themselves in in order to distance from themselves, to obscure an unwillingness to really own their own conflict. this is the kind of legalese so/sp type, the one who knows how to hold down the fort and maintain their own territory in social space, but has lost a more personal connection to themselves.

    other so/sp types are hyperreactive to others, and constantly wait for the other to express themselves before responding. a kind of hypervigilance to other's truth, to the detriment of their own that only comes from staying with themselves, their own experience, noticing what is arising, and owning their own feelings. otherwise there's no center, no grounding that isn't fixation, and they often feel like they are drifting away when the moods outside of them change or shift.
    This is so beautiful and insightful. Loved reading this.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  2. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    This is so beautiful and insightful. Loved reading this.
    The so/so reminded me of a proposition I got once. Take me out on dates and we can be fuck buddies. No strings, I can sleep with anyone else I wanted to. I agreed, lasted a day...well...a night and then decided it wasn't worth dealing with her. That decision was not based on that night, but just finally hit me what I would have to put up with.
    Im out, its been fun

  3. #43
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Bumping this to get @mrcockburn 's opinion, amongst others
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  4. #44
    Aquaria mrcockburn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Bumping this to get @mrcockburn 's opinion, amongst others
    Lol, bracing yourself are you?

    I like the idea of sx-doms, and I like them from a distance, as people in my casual circle.

    But I could never be in a relationship with one. The ones I've known, I quickly felt smothered and invaded. They expected me to "lose myself" to them and fall head over heels in love and passion, but that just doesn't feel healthy to me. And I just don't work that way, though I did try, because I think society and Hollywood makes it seem like romance is supposed to be that way.

    Me, what I want (and have) with a partner is basically a conscious (not hormonally driven infatuation) monogamous friendship who I do things with, and who I live with, and who I have fun times busting a nut with.

    It sounds boring compared to the SX/Hollywood idealized "romance", but I like being content, and serene, and having separate identities, and us individually doing our own thing much of the time. I need to be able to have my own privacy, LOTS of space, and my own secrets, without ever being pressured to sacrifice it. I'm selfish, I admit it. I don't like sacrificing things for the sake of romance. Just doesn't make sense to me.

    I can't do the infatuation thing. It just doesn't happen, and I see no sense in it. My affection for someone is deliberately and gradually cultivated. Also can't deal with the dramatic ups and downs thing, or the "drilling into your soul" intensity. If people talk to me about "looking into my soul through my eyes", I just... I don't want to merge. I like us doing things together, but I see us as *two* partners. Not one relationshipblobthing. :p

    I know I can't give most SX-doms what they want, because I just operate differently. Until I got married, I refused to let my relationship interfere with work, hobbies and friends. I just would be out of sorts if I didn't have proper balance in my life. Luckily my hubby is also SP-dom, so he handled the craziness well. Now I prioritize him a little more, because he's now family, and we're running a home together.

    So historically, when I tried to let certain SX-doms know that I wanted out, or if I just backed off to avoid the drama, they would get very persistent and in-my-face and interrogative. I guess I can't blame them, but it definitely put me off.

    Another thing I noticed, mainly with SX/SO's, is that they tended to be very reckless and self-destructive. Drinking and driving. Drug use. Careless spending. Staying up way too late when they had to be at work the next day. As an SP-dom, I'm completely turned off when people willfully destroy their own bodies, or worse, jeopardize others (the drinking and driving guy).

    TL;DR version: They exhausted me! lol.

    I don't want to make it sound like they're all bad though, because they're definitely not. They've got such laserlike focus I could only dream of. They'll withstand anything to fulfill their passions. As a certified creature of comfort, I can't say the same for myself. They might have exhausted me, but that's because I couldn't/wouldn't be their outlet. For the right person, someone willing to completely throw themselves into their passions and "soul", they would be able to give so, so much, and they'd be a very happy coupling.

    Bloody hell this is long. Sorry. ha..

    What do you think of SX-lasts? And don't hold back!
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  5. #45
    Aquaria mrcockburn's Avatar
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    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uelHwf8o7_U

    This is how I picture SX-dom relationships, lol
    3w4-9w1-?w6 (nearly headless nick)
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  6. #46
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mrcockburn View Post
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uelHwf8o7_U

    This is how I picture SX-dom relationships, lol
    Mmm...do you know that that is slightly exhilarating to me?

    Granted, that is us at our worst though. I had a relationship like that with a fellow sx-dom, though he never did lay a hand on me to hurt me - he was abusive in other ways. But I loved this physicality in the way he expressed his need for me - sexually, intimately, emotionally. It's electric.

    I did learn from that situation though that it did not equal loyalty, love, compassion or fidelity. It doesn't make them your soulmate. It just makes for a highly addictive in the moment whirlwind, breathtaking experience. With my sp-sx, things are way more smooth. And way more deep. They can be this intense in the moment craziness as well, though thats usually instigated by me. But it goes beyond that. I won't lie though - there are times that I miss someone instigating that stuff with me, with that kind of ease. But it aint nothing compared to what I have now.

    In fact, the way you described your previous post - which i was still digesting and pondering how to respond to, but fuck it, ill just go for it - reminds me of my sp-dom at home. He is the same way. He likes things organised, comfortable, and gets pissy at things being in disarray. Which I can get pissy about coz I feel like he is pretty much guilt tripping me for not doing something that...well is important to him but couldn't be less important to me. I however do recognise that it is part of what makes him...at ease, and available to me so I try to keep the irritation to a minimum - I just don't always...take note of it coz its so low on my scale of what's a priority

    Otoh, he is sx-second and he loves himself some drama - as long as he can watch from the sidelines instead being in the middle of it. And that means he loves me going that intensely crazy on him - in small doses and frequency. In fact, it exhilarates him. As long as I dose it properly. And he loves me going all out - as long as it aint aimed at him

    In essence, I sometimes seem to be an entertainment centre to him, a drug to feel alive. And...I guess the same is true for your breed? Given enough safe distance, I mean and given you aint the object of my focus? I'll grant you as well that as exhilarating and addictive as a relationship with a fellow sx-dom is, even for us it often gets to a point where we cannot take anymore - and yet you cannot stop. Which is why you often see the blowout that follows. I'd imagine that being in that kind of relationship would be awesome and terrible at the same time, unless both parties learned to at least channel *some* of that raw energy in some productive way.


    As for sx-lasts...I'll admit that I miss that spark. There is a deep and kind type of connection with those that get along with me, and they make for the most evenhanded, balanced and loyal friends. But I do feel like I only need to go 'Boo!' to make them either run for the hills or roll their eyes at me. Given enough time with them, I feel like a stallion reigned in to the max, barely being allowed to stretch his legs. And yes, the lack of 'spark' makes their company...eventually hard to endure. Not because they aren't lovely people, but coz I miss that fix. And I have to walk on eggshells, non-stop.

    I used to, when I was younger, and met a new group of people, go all out 'entertaining'. People...seemed to love it for the first 5 minutes. Most of them, anyways. Then those smiles turned to hesitation...and to frowns. I made a great first impression. Just everyone was scared,or intimidated or put off by the time it was over so they didn't want to meet me again

    It took me ages to figure out that I should temper myself, not to mention how long it took me to learn how to reign it in. Oddly, I get people trying to take advantage of me when I do reign it in - until I show just a small bit of what I'm holding back. Suddenly they feel the need to treat me with a lot more caution

    In short...I've always resented people who rolled their eyes at what they perceived as 'attention whoring' for my personal gain, as it meant changing who I was for them, when what I was trying to do was share who I genuinely was. I got told to stop being such a drama queen and fake shit -which was confusing to say the least. It's kinda twisted to be told to be yourself more when being yourself gets you...accused of fakeness.
    Funny thing was that they responded to less blunt, honest and raw 'me' and therefore fakery in a way a lot better

    Of course, nowadays I know that it was just coz they didn't know how to or want to deal with what you call my 'pushiness', so I'm a lot less distressed by it, and know how to navigate it...a little better

    Wall of text enough for ya?

    Tl;dr

    Nowadays I like ex-lasts just fine as I've come to know them as loyal, evenhanded and balanced people. It can be sometimes tiresome to non-stop reign myself in around them as to not to spook them. Back in the day, I used to resent their need to belittle my attempts to be just me as drama queen, attention whore, while nowadays i understand that they just don't like to deal with/know how to deal with that kind of 'pushiness' that comes naturally to me.
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