For me, the way I experience feeling "seen" is just being very aware that I am seen.
Sometimes it does manifest as being too anxious about judgment to act. On one of my earliest dates with my boyfriend, I was so nervous about eating messily in front of him that I barely ate at all. Ironically, he took that as me not liking the food or the restaurant, which was not true at all - I wanted to shove that chicken sandwich in my face! But I was so, so nervous of him seeing me be sloppy, and I have always had body image issues, so I shy very far from doing anything people might perceive as gluttonous.
But other times, it manifests as purposefully being the one to break convention. Not long ago, my mom and I were waiting outside a fancy restaurant for the rest of our party to arrive. It was packed indoors and out, and there was nowhere left to sit. We'd been travelling for days and were both exhausted. She asked me if she thought it'd be all right if we sat on the curb, and I said
absolutely. Just for reference, she - sp/so - was more hesitant than me. That could be attributed to any number of factors - her being FJ, her being 2w1, her being of an older and more conservative generation, etc. Regardless, I plopped right on down. The way I saw it, they didn't have any other seating, it was outside the establishment, and we chose a place that was out of everyone's way. It might have been unconventional, but it certainly wasn't hurting anyone, and if anyone was really upset about it, there are a lot more productive things they could be doing with that energy. I was
very aware of what we were doing and how others might perceive it, but I also made the judgment call that it wasn't a "bad" action to take. And yes, I would have done it if I were alone, too.
Even though I'm a Social 6, which is supposedly a sort of stuffy type, I'm still a little quirky and I own it. I generally dress how I feel like dressing, based on what I find aesthetic and what feels comfortable. I don't really like sitting on chairs unless they're big and squishy - for whatever reason I find standard sitting position fairly uncomfortable - and I seek out ledges and clean floor spaces and wide enough seats to sit cross-legged when I can. I don't think I've danced at the grocery store lately, but I used to twirl down all the aisles when I was little, I always get a kid's cookie, and I do tend to strike up informal games of hide-and-seek with my shopping partner.
My point being, I don't think the variants necessarily force or repress behavior so much as they create higher levels of awareness of how your actions will impact a certain sphere, so you may be more or less likely to act because you understand the consequences of those actions more or less fully.
The Great One said:
Well I don't care if people agree with what I say, I just don't want to offend them.
For me, in this thread, I don't want to post something that's not actually related to being a Social dom, so I try to do a quick analysis of whether or not the vast majority of Social dominants would agree with that statement. I do think that sort of scanning of everyone else is a Social-related habit!
More saliently, I don't always need people to agree with me, but I do always want them to be able to understand what I'm saying. I alter my communication from pure self-expression to tailored language because I don't feel like there is any point in outward expression (besides catharsis, I suppose) if it's not able to be received by my intended audience.
brainheart said:
My social dom husband constantly monitors how what he or anyone else says comes across, and whether it alienates or includes people. [...] Then he will get irritated by what I say, thinking that I'm deliberately separating myself from the group or what have you. [...] I have a hard time seeing why honesty is more offensive than sugar-coating things. Sugar coating things drives me nuts.
I know that what I'm saying could be interpreted as Fe vs Fi, but there is no way my husband is anything but an ESFP, so I can't help but conclude it's a social instinct issue. Once I realized this, and that the majority of our disagreements have to do with social instinct concerns, it became obvious that I'm social last.
Ah, yes, I do this too. I actually didn't
realize that some other people didn't do this until maybe a year or two ago. It's very natural to me. I think I'm a little hypersensitive because of 6 thought pattern tendencies (ie, constantly trying to prevent future problems), but I too have struggled some with monitoring the communication of my boyfriend and my mom especially, because sometimes one or the other side will say something that comes off poorly to the other, but I realize that it's not meant like that. The funny thing is how alike they are!
Anyway, I actually love blunt people - I wouldn't say I'm for sugar-coating - I think I put a lot of thought into trying to understand the "cultures" of the parties in question, in terms of what is seen as acceptable and what is seen as not okay. I think some people's native "cultures" are very different and then a little smoothing can go far in terms of opening lines of communication.
