To be honest, the only time I alienate anyone is when I learn they did not like me beforehand. I've noticed that I tend not to mind anyone unless they either give off a vibe that they're not fond of me or when I'm told by someone else they said they don't like me. Not related, but I don't understand why people talk around each other's backs like that. I'd rather have things said directly to my face rather than finding out through indirect means. Going back to the Ariana Grande story I told earlier in response to Starry, I later saw on Twitter the guy tweeted "If you threaten to punch me in the face over Ariana Grande, I'm embarrassed for you." It was one of the most annoying things I've ever experienced in my life. That bastard didn't even have the backbone to say that to my face and instead passive aggressively tweeted about it. I tweeted him back about how he needs to learn the true meaning of "talent" and he eventually apologized and tried to make up with me. I just said I forgave him to end the stupid drama he started, but I am upset that he was being a little bitch going behind my back and saying things rather than directly to my face. I feel like this sort of relates to so-doms and being alienated themselves. I hate being out of the loop with my friends, it makes me feel like I'm not close enough to them for them to confide in. It may be true, but all I want to do is forage close relationships with people. It's just a reminder that I haven't gotten close enough yet.I absolutely, 110% am on board with you here. I do think your energy comes across as somewhat gentle, though still bright and assertive and playful. I don't relate to the aspect of being "loved or hated", either, or having a strong enough presentation to potentially quickly drive others away. My personal preference is to be at least neutral to everyone, to be liked by as many as possible, and to be hated by no one. To me, it is generally not worth alienating some people to have a better chance of obtaining the affections of others.
I did this recently with someone I held a little affection for. He used a certain word that I absolutely HATE being said in any context: "faggot". He was gay too. I wouldn't consider myself spineless in regards to my values (once again, the Ariana story), but I feel like I always end up bending over backwards for the person I like and get screwed over either way - intentionally or unintentionally. I regret not standing up for myself and my beliefs, and I ABSOLUTELY regret using the word myself around him once to get the point across. I felt like such a two-faced bastard. I'm still ashamed about it right now. But what's done is done, I'm just going to let that experience guide me in the future. Before that instance, I also let my friends say it in a context that wasn't even referring to homosexual men. It was just a word to insult people. They even asked me if I cared, and I said I didn't mind to maintain harmony. If it ever happens again, I'll make sure to stick up for myself. This is another reason why college made me step out of my comfort zone and question my self-typing. Previously no one would have ever said that about me and I would be comfortable enough to say something. Now I realize I'm more concerned with group harmony than I thought as there's still no reassurance the relationship will be maintained if I break harmony.My only exception would be in the case of a romantic interest; I have lost myself to that trade-off before. I regretted it. In retrospect, I should never have subverted my own value system to gain affection, because later on my romantic interest was offensive to someone very important to me, and then I was left with the realization that not only had I lost the affection of quite a few people who I very may well have had good relationships with, were it not for me kowtowing to this other person, but I also no longer cared to have the affection of that person after discovering that they weren't going to reciprocate for me the prioritization I gave them. It was a lose-lose situation, but I did learn a very valuable lesson.
I'm glad you still have lasting relationships with your high school friends. I love my friends and would not want to lose contact, but in the event that I did, there would still be my best BEST friend that I refuse to lose contact with. I don't know what the future holds, but I'm going to fight as hard as I can to preserve our relationship. She is everything to me. She's the sister I've never had. It sucks we only had high school to spend together, but with her around she made those four years some of the best years of my life. I want to keep her close to me for as long as possible - ideally the rest of our lives.I also feel that sadness with people that I thought would be close friends forever and haven't been. I thought it of my friends in elementary... then middle... then high school... then college. It's been interesting to see who's stayed and who's moved on. I'm not close to anyone from my elementary or middle schools anymore. I have a handful of lasting high school friends, most of whom I don't see often but I am so happy to have. And then I have the same with my college friends - again, not as many have stayed close as I hoped but I'm discovering the nature of long-term friendships as opposed to the short-term ones. They're not as consistently close as I would have chosen, for the most part, but they're good. It's like you just pick up where you left off.
It's too true. There are no real negative stereotypes involving the sx instinct, while so seems like a superficial, cliquey social butterfly and sp seems like a simple-minded, dull, and self-centered person. It's not true, but stereotypes are stereotypes.It's true. For me I don't know if it was even the rarity, but it just sounds so much better than the other instincts. It's exciting, thrilling, captivating, magnetic, risky, deep, raw, electric. As suits the instinct proper, it's an attractive notion to be a Sexual dominant. It seems that often Social is regarded as a superficial, cliquey instinct, and Self-Pres is stereotyped as boring.
This is exactly how I work with relationships.Like I said, this REALLY hit home with me. It became SO clear that I am a "where does it fit" thinker before a "how well does it fit" thinker. It was always my impression that thinking about how well-matched my partner and I are was a very Sexual sort of thought process - ha. Turns out, at least in this interpretation, that's more of a Social thought. Sexual, on the other hand, would be checking in on how well we're interfacing at all times, and while I do that some, it's not anywhere near as much. I'm far more concerned with our overall, lasting fit, and I assume that for the most part, if I get our fit right, the quality of interfacing will work itself out - and that is totally Social first.
To be honest, the so/sx description was also what put me off of the idea on being so-first. I'm glad you reworded those because it makes a lot more sense this way. I don't value my "position" in the group world and in no way a social climber. Like your description says, I'm more about experiencing intense moments with other people because I know that will strengthen our bonds. I think the descriptions on the website would make a lot more sense if they didn't put "position" and "inclusion" on such a global scale. Of course I'm willing to be friendly with anyone who seems nice and interesting, but I don't care how the entire world as a whole sees me. I just want to feel connected to other people out there, and intensity is a very easy means of doing so.It also suddenly becomes clear to me, realizing this, why many Sexual dominants tend to have shorter, more intense romantic involvements: I assume that the bond is foundational to the chemistry. Sure, you have to start out with a certain degree of chemistry, but I also feel like I have chemistry with a lot of people and it takes a heck of a lot more than good chemistry to make a good relationship, and more chemistry is created through the existence of that bond. Whereas someone who is Sexual might see things more in the light of the chemistry being what allows you to make the bond in the first place, and if you don't have good chemistry, there's no real point in keeping the bond. I now understand, I think, the So/Sx and Sx/So prioritization difference, and why the16type.info mindset descriptions are, respectively:
Sx/Sp - "I can have merging/intensity without having to leave my orderly & pleasing lifestyle."
Sx/So - "If I can maintain position and inclusion in the group/world, I can keep up and escalate all this merging/intensity."
So/Sx - "If I can get close to people with merging/intensity, I can make sure of and keep improving my position and inclusion in the group/world."
So/Sp - "If I can establish an orderly and pleasing lifestyle, I can make sure of and keep improving my position and inclusion in the group/world."
The So/Sx one put me off at first; I don't value my "position" in the world more than I value my close relationships. But that was looking at it through the lens of not understanding that bonding is more Social than Sexual, and close relationships are not Sexual. Close relationships are human, really, just like sex is human, and none the instincts have a monopoly on either.
To put in wording I personally understand better:
Sx/Sp - If I take care of myself and my resources, I can obtain the maximum intensity and stimulation possible.
Sx/So - If I attend to my social connections, I can obtain the maximum intensity and stimulation possible.
So/Sx - If I create intense stimulation, I can retain and improve my bonds and connections.
So/Sp - If I take care of myself and my resources, I can retain and improve my bonds and connections.
I'm the same. Ideally, I just want my life to work out. I want to be surrounded by good friends, have a loving husband, and have a precious child. The sexual 7 has been described as a "dreamer who needs more than ordinary reality" and I put too much weight into the "dreamer" aspect of the description. I love to envision my future the way I previously described. That's all I want out of life, regardless of my financial position so long as we're not struggling or other living conditions. It's the people in my life that make it feel complete and that itself sounds like a very so/sx thing to say. As long as I have my treasured people with me, I can go anywhere I want and still feel at peace and happy. I just want that in life and to be fair, it's not that out of the ordinary. I eventually realized sexual 7s need much more than what I need - almost something that is unattainable. And that's why the sx instinct can be associated with this "longing." I always felt feelings of longing as well, but it was only just for my husband/soul mate (the words are interchangeable in my eyes) and a happy life. And it doesn't take much to make me happy. sx-doms seem a lot more "pickier" if that makes sense when it comes to what they want out of life. I guess "picky" could eventually become a negative stereotype for the sx instinct?So I think for myself, the crux of understanding my true stacking was to see that my overall goals are way more Social than Sexual - much more to hang onto lasting bonds and connections than to retain stimulation. My main problem had been associating "close relationships" with Sexual, and also mistaking my emphasis on the "fit" in relationships for Sexual. In reading about the instincts, the single word I identified with most was "immersion" - getting absorbed in something - a hot shower, for example, or the experience of listening to a concert. The term "immerse" comes from the Latin "to dip in", and the key element is the overwhelming harmony of the experience. I thought this was Sexual because of the "energy" being right, but I was looking at it the wrong way again. Sexual wouldn't measure the harmony of the atmosphere, but the intensity of the energy. Again, not Sexual.
This is one of the reasons why I got into typology. I like to see how people "fall into" the whole theory of MBTI/Enneagram/etc. I don't like to put labels on anyone, but looking at people through different lenses is so neat and interesting to do. I like to see where on the charts they fall in, what it means for their interactions with other people especially. I wonder if so-doms commonly get into things like typology because it can assist them and help them navigate through the social realm? I wouldn't be surprised. While the unconscious and hidden motivations/fears are fascinating for me as well to uncover about people (I am an ENFP after all ), I think one of the big parts for me is what that means for them socially.Thinking of those people, I occasionally will peruse Facebook and check in on my peers, old friends, current friends, etc. I like to see what they're doing, especially where they're working and who they're in relationships with. I like to see how people "fall in place". It's really neat to see, for example, a girl from middle school who was sort of snobby and in the popular clique, who is now a fun-loving and very compassionate bartender covered in colorful tattoos. She totally came into her own and has found a role where she can self-express and enjoy herself and provide a (relatively, lol) constructive service to society, too. I think that's really neat. I don't have any desire to pigeonhole anyone, but I like to see how people fit in the grand scheme - and certainly there is room for change and growth in that.
I'm 100% on board with this as well. This is what I want in my partner. I don't want to become one with my partner or "lose myself" in them. I'd rather have it so that we're two independent people that happen to be madly in love with each other. I need that companionship. I want to be myself and I want my partner to be himself. I want us to have our own friends, our own interests while still having similarities, our own personalities and values. This way, we find some harmonic resolution between our differences and bring, not just ourselves, but also different views, people, and ideas in society together. Two independent people creating a relationship together to me seems like a colliding of so many different things and yet it still works out through the power of love (sounds corny to call it that, but who cares). I love how love can bring about so much harmony between so many things.With my romantic relationships, like I mentioned before, I concentrate very much on the "fit" of things. I want us to be well-matched, and I assume that the perfect connection will grow out of that plus us working to make it so. I do have a strong desire for face-to-face direct interaction in the relationship - for looking "at" one another - but I have a stronger desire for us to do things together. Being companions is really my first priority. I think for a while I was under the impression that I wanted to completely lose myself in the other because I thought that would make for the best relationship quality, and to affirm that I have "The One". As it turns out, I don't really like completely losing myself in the other, for the reasons I described in that lose-lose situation earlier. I still have to retain me. My desire, instead, is for him to fit perfectly with me... for us to be perfect companions. I want us to be able to choose a mutually appealing living space, for us to do activities together we both enjoy, for us to complement each other in our strengths and weaknesses, for us to balance one another, for us to get along with each others' families and create a happy, stable unit. There is lots of stability here, more than intensity. Some of that comes from my 6, I think, while some comes from not Sx.
Hmm, I think this is the one part where we differ. I also want to work in a field that helps people (my intended major is currently psychology so I can work to become a therapist). I think I explained all this in a few posts before, but I really want to brighten up the world with my presence and make it a better place. However, while the aspect of being famous isn't something I completely desire, I do want to make my mark in the world in some way. Although it could be for very so-ish reasons. I just want people to remember my smile, my blind optimism, my faith that things will work out for the better in the end, my desire to light up the world and take all of it with them. I very much am a believer that if you can inspire one person (ENFPs are called The Inspirers, aren't they? ) then a chain reaction can occur. I want my positive disposition to spread throughout the world, I want to give people hope for the new day, I want to tell people it's okay to be sad while still being strong. I have so much I want to give to the world but I'm only one person, so I'm hoping as a therapist I can bring that to people and instill it in the lives of people around them while still being able to live for my passions. If that doesn't sound so/sx I don't know what does.Relatedly, I think about when my life is over, what I really want is to have made happier and more fulfilling lives for the people I love - my parents, my brother, my future spouse, my future children, and to make the world better through whatever sort of work I do. I don't have major aspirations for becoming famous or leaving a lasting mark on the world because from a bird's eye view, we are all fairly insignificant in the passage of time. That doesn't bother me very much. It just says to me that the sphere of my window for spreading love is relatively small, and cozy, and right here right now. I feel like it will be more productive and lasting to do good in my small life and have that echo out in ripples affecting everyone I touch, rather than to aim for a big effect and go all-or-nothing, potentially wasting it all. I don't want to spend my life obsessed about one singular thing, though I have the tendency to do so sometimes. I want to be able to cherish everything.
Thank you for your response. So much. In fact, it caused me to do a little more reflecting and I even learned a bit more about myself from it. Or I always knew and I finally managed to articulate it to the world. Either way, I'm very appreciative.Anyway, Chanaynay, I hope some of this can be helpful.
It's good to hear from another person who is on the same journey of reflecting and re-assessing priorities and definitions and it's flattering to be summoned.