Am I all that unusual, then, because I resist falling in love? I can recognize the addictive high I'm feeling in my head, the electricity in my skin, and I want more of it - to experience it so completely that I forget the constant seeking.
However, I fear falling in love with people. To be honest, I'm not sure that it's ever happened. "Love" feels like a foreign concept, a word that romantics like to assign to their primal desire for sex. I think I've felt love before, but it's such a heavy word and I would never apply it too readily. It's much easier to enjoy the chemical buzz and leave it at that. (If the chemistry is long-lasting, so magnetic that it almost hurts, then I will begin to attach...but I tend to repress and struggle against it even while it's happening. I'm terrified of giving in because it feels like surrendering my happiness to somebody else.) Any chance that this could be some manifestation of sx/sp?
I do seek lovers, but my approach feels divergent from those that I see others frequently using.
I have a number of female friends who seem to need romantic relationships, in the most traditional sense of the word. If a reasonably attractive guy gives them any sort of attention, boom - they're suddenly obsessed. Sounds like a pack of sx-doms on the surface - maybe - but their energy is very different from my own...so much so that they've often come across to me as uptight and even prudish whenever my essence apparently comes on too strong for their liking. Which is often.
For example: we might be at some venue or party, relaxing in mixed company, when I notice that I've earned judgmental stares from one or more of them. Sometimes I ask about it later and am usually met with responses like, "Well, even the way you walk is suggestive," or, "It's a mystery to me how you can be so blatantly sexual - no way would I have the confidence for that." Most of the time I don't realize what I have specifically done to merit those comments; I'm just being myself. This happened several times in the last week alone, so I'm kind of venting about it.
These women will pursue the attention of the men they're interested in, hoping to cultivate happily-ever-after seeds. They sometimes (frequently) put a lot of work into this goal with ultimately nothing to show for it. I, on the other hand, might not even be consciously aware of how quickly I'm engaging someone. It feels so natural, light and easy and fun. Sometimes, before I've really thought about what's happening...well, things progress. I can form friendships quickly, and that absolutely includes non-platonic ones.
When my female friends do pair off, they typically hang most of their hopes and expectations on their boyfriends (even if they don't readily acknowledge it). They're also hoping the relationship lasts as long as possible; for them, that's ideally forever, as long as the sailing's smooth. They tend to be dumped more often, too. I enter relationships with the acceptance that they are most likely finite, and I almost always initiate the break-ups.
One could argue that these women are sx-dom individuals, but their attachment style screams of codependency in contrast with mine (which looks more like an intense hunger, desire for desire's sake, some kind of restless addiction).