"Reading is not necessarily external thing. Not if you're reading about yourself or at least on information regarding what type you might be. You're still mostly inside of your head.
You didn't ask my question: are you're sure about your Ennegram now? What did you use to come to this conclusion?"
i suppose youre right, but in my perspective, its as if im looking for answers from out then, when the truth is already within. its the scary pain monster that stops me from reaching to the truth.. (yet to figure out what causes the pain =| )
ok, so heres my brief view on my enneagram:
as a child, only my intellectual side was appreciated by other people. it was the only thing i ever got complimented for. they expected me to not have emotions, so i suppressed them. i had anyways lost all confidence in everything else about myself than my intelligence, so it was my only source of self esteem. i always strived to be more intelligence, so some day my mother would love me. i was very observant from early on. my detachement from others of my age started at age 8 when i realized everyone of my age were less mature. i would just observe them go at their games, of which i had long ago got bored, and id keep pondering all kinds of thoughts while doing so. this is how i spent majority of my school pause time between the years 8 to 13. at 13, i got enough, i realized, they arent going to mature, ever. they only got more and more stupid as they got older. i totally lost all hopes on humanity, whatever irrational hope there was before it. and got into total game addiction/depression. not like i wasnt before, but after that point it went so out of control, that despite my self discipline, i wasnt able to perform my school perfectly. before that, i had absolutely never been late from any class. that was my self image, the intelligent natural at math proper child. i absorbed every expectation that was placed on me. (now that i think, this does sound ennea one, but ive never had any problems with ocd. i was always able to rationalize all of my discipline. and then theres the fact, that it seems like 8w7 is my body triad ennea, based on my problem dealing method being to just hit the face of the person causing mayhem. until they scrutinized me for this, which led to major feeling bottling, and placed me on the position, that even if i get attacked or teased, im just not allowed to do anything about it. but yes, e1 descriptions talk about suppressed anger.. but as you can judge from my OP, ive started to leak it out after a life time of suppression. i did once suspect myself as a 1w9 before, but the high didnt last long. or actually, twice. i guess it could be my body triad, but primary? considering ive been in a learning mania the past few years... during my depression, i always had this boiling anger underneath. a complete dissatisfaction with everything. and from pictures taken in that period, someone with my empathic abilities can easily see im like a volcano waiting eruption. however, no one ever mentioned noticing it.. they mightve had, but it would be very rude to mention something like that. and my father at least, an istp, has absolutely zero emotion reading skills, unless i were to scream, which i never do. my anger however, resembles more of an 8w7 who has serious self doubting issues. i also have problems with not fearing anything, typical 8w7 problem. if ive never experienced something awful off of something, i assume it doesnt exist until i have. like my arrogance towards psychological problems. i expected them to be miniscule in comparison to physical matters, so even though i knew i was going insane, i didnt care.)
the thing i most care about in this existence is my intelligence and health. i wanted a life with perfect body and physically healthy brains, so i could reach my maximum potential without limitations. thats why having my favourite sense damaged is so big deal to me, and im not sure if im ever going to accept it.
also dont 1w9's have that anger even when healthy? i met one who did, yet she was very capable of helping me.
mine disappears completely when im on a good mood. and its more like frustration
i also have this 5w4 thing, that sometimes i can look at any object and be so immersed in my observation, that its as if the object i was gazing is the most fascinating, profound thing to ever exist. i think my 7w6 istp sx so friend has something very similar, but then, hes a very integrated person.
before any crap started, i was like all children, fascinated by the reality, adventurous, and so on. life was like a fantasy story. i felt intensely at anything i found fascinating. such as pokemons, nature, and uh.. mostly just nature, lols. >.< i did play with my best friends, ive always had this sx dom trait, that i always find one friend, and thats it. all of the other friends are so irrelevant that i wont even remember them. i guess i mustve done boring things too with my friends, but i only remember the times i got emotional. and what got me emotional, was adventuring. i eventually started succumbing onto myself, got bored with everything, and my adventures turned into game world. where they, after they got boring, it was all about achieving some superior unique identity. (4w3). it couldnt be 1w9 disintegration, because that unique identity always involved w3 element, the novelty that is 4w3 charasteristic. not to say 1w9 couldnt be somewhere in my stacking, but it became strictly a 4w3 pursuit after i lost the sense of adventure in the game. thus it was all about about escapism and obsession over achieving a unique, magnificent identity.
also before the crap, i had no qualms at all to defend myself by physically hitting others or throwing stones at them when teased or aggrevated.
these days it just all seems so pointless, that i couldnt bother, unless not bothering means having to suffer more.
back between years 8 to 16, it would give me enormous pride when teachers or someone else ocmplimented about how proper i am, or how natural i am at math. i even got 9 out of 10 score as my end result in english, despite my depression making me miss a lot of tests, and despite the fact that i learned _nothing_ about english from the class. i learned it all out on my own, by chatting in games.
but these days, when an estj complimented a long lithany of how proper i am, i felt nothing. im not that person any more. i dont identify with my properism anymore, in fact, i dont care much at all. but i do am a bit proud of my ability to maintain a strict diet and routines. and when i one day wore a carlsberg shirt(a beer product), it baffled everyone. they even mentioned how baffled they were, but i dont think i ever told them im an absolutist.(for health reasons, as i value it highly. mostly just my brains, but the other parts are extra.)
one day, a person asked in seriously concerned tone, how many ive drank. i couldnt but laugh in annoyance, and tell her im an absolutist.
honestly speaking, its very hard to say, considering ive changed a lot thorought my life. (i would expect its me adjusting my triad strategy, as one or another in my triad fails.)
but the most common theme in my (good) emotions is fascination. on the bad ones: pain, rejection of me, disconnection of others.
i little detail: at around age 6, i realized that my dreams were extremely stupid, immature, and childish, so i started hating my dreams so badly, that i stopped dreaming. i decided not to dream, and my wish was granted. i realize, this also made my imagination even as a child rather limited, too emotionless. mostly fascination about little robots and sci-fi planes going at war with each other. even me playing with toys was very emotionless, more of an abstract interest about seeing what i can create with an enormous amounts of toys, by arranging them. this hate of imagination started after i was severely ashamed by a school teacher reading my heart felt written story in a sarcastic tone. although like i mentioned, the hate of childishness started already at age 6. i always strived to be more and more mature. i wanted to be the image of ideal maturity as a child, until that point of age 13 where i lost any last hopes i had for humanity growing up.
when i were emotionally well,(during years centered before age 13) which was extremely rare, i had this old soul aura/vibe to me. like i had seen everything already, and life had nothing more to offer me.
i also had this constant feeling of suppression, after age 8 to 17, that if i ever deviated from their expectations, i would instantly be punished. because in my experience, they always punished me if i did. and they never, ever understood me at all. so i learned to shut up, because no one would care about what i had to say. the only people i actually spoke with were my best friends (who changed every year because i changed school every year.) and my father. whom i believed to be a simpleton from a very early age on. well.. howd you expect an intitor child compare themselves to a sensor? =|
but then, i also believed i was the only person on planet earth with feelings, because i didnt see others ever feeling anything before i learned my aura ability (at age 17 or 18) and because no one ever understood my feelings at all. so you can imagine i had no motivation for socializing, since i believed they didnt have feelings and b, that everyone else is as stupid as fuck. so you can imagine why such a world wasnt very appealing to me.
and like i said, i dont identify with that properism image anymore, but i dont think it has changed the fact that i still do have high standards.
things that might distort this analysis: sx so's become pseudo rational, usually believing to poses a high intellect when unhealthy. and if im an infj, they have high idealism standards.
and also, my official diagnosis is "a psychotic personality". which indicates more that i seem psychotic, even when im healthy. but then, an istp had a diagnosis "reclusive personality", LOLs. like yeah, introversion _totally_ needs a name! -.- (hes just super introverted, and its so lame they try to change peoples _personalities_ in my country, despite the fact that its impossible. makes me wonder, how can their psychological methods be so screwed up? =| )
so theres my "brief" overlook, xD