Multiple Enneagram Subtypes/Instincts Instincts and relationship stuffs

[Lady_X]

In theory, she would have the healthy sx and I would have the unhealthy sx. It seems to work fine. She helps to moderate my intensity and is more calm.

right yeah...that's my experience with my bf. he's sp/sx so interesting to me how all this plays out. i'm entertaining myself by analyzing all of this atm so thanks!

 

[21%]

how your instincts influence who and what attracts and repels you.
I'd prefer someone with some sort of sp. Someone with sp last might be too much for me to handle and I might end up feeling drained. You know, we need a nice quiet home and lots of books and, well, a solid financial plan for the future. And we need, like, five real-life friends max.

And what would you say your biggest issues in relationships have been?
INFP's sx/sp-ness clashing with my sp/sx. He's like, relationship first, screw the rest. I'm like, if we are going to starve to death in the future should we not think about that first?

what would you describe as your ideal relationship?
Stable, slightly boring jobs for both of us. Nice quiet home. Loads and loads of cuddle time, and books and teas and talking until two in the morning about random things, and occasionally we'll go hiking

what are your strengths? Weaknesses?
Wow, that's hard. I think I'm easily stressed out by change, and I need to be able to come up with a plan to handle it before I can relax and enjoy the ride.

how do you handle conflict?
I need to talk about it in extreme detail and sort it out once and for all. I cannot stand conflicts, especially 'murky' conflicts where I don't know what the issue really is.

How do you prefer to communicate?
Talk it out (hopefully) in a non-confrontational manner to clear up misunderstandings. It is very important to me not to be secretly angry at each other. I actually like preemptive positive communication (e.g. "I love how you did that", or "Can you do this? It will help me so much!", etc.) so the other person will know what you like without it having to escalate into a conflict.

 

[Fidelia]

I'm so/sx/sp

So... I'm curious about how your instincts influence who and what attracts and repels you.
I think I have always had a tendency to like take chargey, confident acting kinds of people who are gregarious and well-connected, curious and accomplished. People who are pretty self-motivated. I'm attracted to EXXJ types who are able to communicate quite directly and speak their thoughts in the moment and have a lot of drive, but those same qualities can be trying to me later.

And what would you say your biggest issues in relationships have been? Not vocal enough about things that are bothering me until I see a pattern emerging. Falling into a relationship with someone that doesn't want the same things in life through spending too much time together and an attraction developing, then not wanting to move forward in good conscience, but finding it difficult to retrace steps and move back. Appearing to be pretty go with the flowy and then surprising the other person when I dig my heels in about something. Picking people who appear very confident, but are whistling in the dark and have trouble being vulnerable enough to resolve conflict or build emotional intimacy. Trying to adapt too much to accommodate the other person.

what would you describe as your ideal relationship? One where we both have a philosophical foundation in common, where we challenge each other to be the best version of ourselves, and where we have some kind of shared mission that we can accomplish better together than alone. Space for us to be separate people with freedom to attend to the obligations that matter to us, while still having enough shared things to not lose touch with one another. Emotionally intimate and physically warm. One where we appreciate and enjoy each other's families and we like each other's friends.

what are your strengths? Weaknesses? Strengths - able to see things from multiple standpoints, quite adaptable, not hasty in making judgements, generous with heartfelt appreciation, transparent, contented, inexpensive tastes, pretty happy overall. Weaknesses - undisciplined in some areas, bad with details, high expectations, sensitive to how criticism is delivered, over-analyze things - especially when there is insufficient info for me to know how to proceed, need to know all is well before I can give space, dislike of disappointing to the point of finding it difficult to be honest sometimes.

how do you handle conflict? I prefer to deal with it head on and get it resolved. I may not talk about it right away, because I want to be sure that I am seeing things accurately and I want to get a handle on the situation and consider the options before bothering someone else with it. Sometimes I have a bad tendency to do most of the adjusting myself (because I hate making other people feel bad or obligating them to change if I can do it), then resenting it when things pile up, or when the other person doesn't seem to notice or reciprocate. That is not good and I'm making efforts to change how I go about dealing with that. I'm not afraid of conflict, although I will avoid unproductive conflict like the plague.

How do you prefer to communicate? Ideally - in person. Although sometimes I don't trust myself to say some things without getting emotional, and so I write them, but it usually turns out better if I can hash it out verbally, as long as the other person doesn't get angry or discount my POV if I can't remain unemotional about it. I need to be able to talk about things, or else the pressure builds to an unbearable level or else I just have to start walling pieces of myself off so I am not in a constant state of unresolvable/undiscussed conflict that eats away at me. I want to be close to whomever I'm with.

anything else relevant you want to add.

Please and thank you.

.

I don't think I'd do well with an sp first just because I think that I wouldn't understand their needs that well. I would find it hard to deal with someone who found having people in our home an imposition, or who were overly concerned with what seemed to me like unimportant details (even if they aren't to the person!).

 

[Lady_X]

please put your enneagram stacking in your post for me! i should add to op maybe?

 

[Luv Deluxe]

So... I'm curious about how your instincts influence who and what attracts and repels you.
I'm sx/sp, pretty certain that I'm sp over so. Blazing sx, though.

It's probably worth nothing that, in addition to being social-last, the Enneagram type I relate to the absolute least is 2. I don't get their motivations at all, and consequently, for an sx, I think I seem a lot more distant in relationships. Less smothering, less nurturing, not even remotely driven to merge and start a family, stuff like that. I feel unsettled when people talk about finding soul mates to "complete" them.

With that in mind, I believe that my sx manifests primarily with activities and interests moreso than people (although it still does, just...not in the romantic ways more often described). I don't just like things, I fall head over heels for them. I turn activities into a way of life; interests become my identity. Strip them away, and I would feel lost, like I wouldn't know who I was. I'm competitive and excitable; I fixate on thrilling new ideas and pursue them like a heat-seeking missile. Naturally, I think I'm attracted to intensity in others while being turned off by traditional approaches.


And what would you say your biggest issues in relationships have been?
I fear the natural progression of relationships; I fear the concept of complacency. I feel as though my partner will take me for granted at this stage, that things will become routine, boring, and passionless. That the butterflies will melt away and suddenly, we'll be just another couple with differences and difficulties. I know that things are kinda supposed to evolve like that, that those problems are supposed to be overcome, and that we're supposed to feel closer as a couple than ever before. Yet, I often struggle with feelings of asphyxiation and I find them very frightening. One could suggest that I have commitment issues to some degree.

I crave excitement and intensity, all the time, and I know that this is an unrealistic want...but I can't seem to stop it. Although I will not cheat, I tend to involuntarily develop Wandering Eye Syndrome when I (subconsciously) feel starved of stimulation.

I think it would help if I learned to process what it means when a boyfriend says "I love you," but unfortunately, I still haven't felt the weight of those words. This is probably linked to some rather nasty trust issues and the emotional baggage of yesteryear. I can't bring myself to believe that any significant other is being sincere or really thinking about what he's saying when he suggests that he loves me.

I think I might be a wounded romantic, deep down.


What would you describe as your ideal relationship?
Best friends who fuck.

Playful, fun, and always engaging. Complementing personalities with mutual understanding. I'd love someone who reminds me strongly of myself, but with enough dissimilarities that we're able to learn from each other and feel intrigued. Dull moments are few and far between. Intense bonding through new experiences. Lots of sex, touch, physical closeness.

Ideally, there'd be a sort of irresistible, magnetic pull toward each other, an organic emotional chemistry that cannot be ignored.


What are your strengths? Weaknesses?
On the plus side, I'm very open and honest. I'm great with words and I'd like to consider myself skilled in communication. I'm aware of my emotions, even if they're unpleasant, and nowadays I'm able to keep them from inciting conflict with others - most of the time.

On the not-so-plus side, I'm not quite as talented at checking my actions. As long as I'm not throwing any of my morals under the bus, I'm pretty much up for anything. This may frighten people who don't feel safe with that kind of suggestibility.


How do you handle conflict?
I either avoid it completely (I don't like negativity, especially if it's ultimately no biggie) or tackle it head-on. I can't "sleep on it," though, so if the issue's a serious one, I feel compelled to talk it out. I do my best to keep the mood light, but this is sometimes hard, especially when a partner's emotions are also keyed up. I just prefer to address problems and clear the air whenever possible. I also like to burn off steam by exercising.


How do you prefer to communicate?
Directly, openly, honestly. I laugh a lot and aim for a lighthearted atmosphere. My enthusiasm can be contagious, and my expression is often blunt but genuine. In tense situations, I do my best to be respectful and diplomatic while also sticking to my guns and defending myself as necessary. I'm usually better with the written word when things get heavy.


What type of person attracts you? What type repels you?
I'm into guys who are driven, passionate about their preoccupations, emotional without being emotionally needy. Playful, smart, good-humored, silly, sexual, spontaneous, quick, hard-working. A little over the top, but nonetheless have their shit together. I don't think I could be with someone who wasn't open to new experiences. Shared interests are always a plus. I also appreciate neatness, and men who exercise and take care of their bodies. Those who are interested and interesting.

Not so sexy, on the other hand, are guys with minimal ambition/nothing that drives or moves them (there's definitely such a thing as too laid-back). In-it-for-the-money types. Traditional guys who might have problems with my general outlook/life goals. Closed minds. Needy dudes who feel compelled to check in every time you're not together; the kind of person who can't walk to the convenience store without wanting you with him. Routine-oriented people, and those who don't take care of their bodies and spaces.

 

[violet_crown]

So... I'm curious about how your instincts influence who and what attracts and repels you.

And what would you say your biggest issues in relationships have been?

what would you describe as your ideal relationship?

what are your strengths? Weaknesses?

how do you handle conflict?

How do you prefer to communicate?

anything else relevant you want to add.

Please and thank you.

This OP bothered me initially because it seems so needlessly scattered, but after considering it, I've decided that being able to answer it altogether and honestly could potentially bring a great deal of self-awareness. Like some inadvertent relationship SWOT analysis or something.

Anyways. I feel that being an sx/sp makes me crave an all-consuming bond with someone, but makes me very selective about who I'd want it with. Part of that derives from the fact that the part of me that wants to just utterly succumb to a connection with another person is in conflict with the part of me that demands that I be self-sufficient at all time. Acknowledging any sort of emotional need can be difficult; I'm much more inclined to express myself through action than words. For all that I'm emotionally restrained, I'm highly attentive to my partner. I listen to what they want, know how to recognize what they need, and do everything I can to provide it for them. In a way, by making myself more needed than I need is my way of maintaining control of a relationship. It makes it easier for me to walk away because I can always tell myself that I wasn't really getting anything out of it, and I'm better off doing my own thing anyways.

Intimacy issues notwithstanding, I suppose what attracts me most to someone is the sense that they've got a steep learning curve to them. I dig the complex ones. I get bored so easily otherwise. I guess it's because I'm a lot of things all at once myself, however much I'd like to pretend that I'm essentially straightforward. I get moody a lot. My biggest needs are to feel accepted and safe. There's probably other things, but those seem to be the ones that come to mind immediately.

 

[Lady_X]

thank you for posting!

and why was that scattered? i know i often am and i'm okay with that but that doesn't feel that way to me. :/

 

[violet_crown]

thank you for posting!

and why was that scattered? i know i often am and i'm okay with that but that doesn't feel that way to me. :/

That was my point. There was definite method to it once I stopped and thought about how the questions worked together.

 

[Lady_X]

That was my point. There was definite method to it once I stopped and thought about how the questions worked together.

Oh okay not that it is important was just curious thanks.

 

[Evo]

So... I'm curious about how your instincts influence who and what attracts and repels you.

And what would you say your biggest issues in relationships have been?

what would you describe as your ideal relationship?

what are your strengths? Weaknesses?

how do you handle conflict?

How do you prefer to communicate?

anything else relevant you want to add.

Please and thank you.

1) I was recently with an ISFP so/sp 9w8 ( his 8 wing is very strong) for 4 years. He brought out every shadow I have an I think, I had a mini breakdown. Finding out I'm a weak scared person, and thinking I was a rough an tough entj. I put him through hell as well, bottling up emotions and all that junk.

I'm a 6w7 sp/sx.

I have now learned that the biggest difference between me and him was he's an so. I got nothin on so doms. I am so opposite. I will probably avoid ever so/sp from now on. There has to be some sx in the first two. I need intimacy. I'm attracted to people that have sp last I guess. If we are going on past relationships. It's like I need them to need me. And then feel like they don't contribute. Similar to what WindUp Rex said.

People don't know the definition of compromise.

Also living together. I leave shit around an I need it to stay there or I wont know where to get it next time. So I will tell them that. But then they take it to the extreme and don't pick anything up. In fear I'll rip their head off if they move the important stuff. Ugh.

2)Our communication styles. The other people have been sensors. I'm way fuckin out there in intuitive land. I need someone that is Ni dom probably. If they are a sensor then they need to be sx dom probably.

3) Ideal relationship would be with someone that understands me. That means they have to take the time to ask me all the questions I ask them. We can do everything together but don't need to. We can have sex scheduled or not. We can explore areas of the bodies sexually so we get to the point that we know exactly what we like, and can get each other off like a pro lol. We live harmoniously together in our own place. We communicate when there's a problem. At the end of every night I know that no matter what happens they still love me. And I can go anywhere with them, do anything with them and feel comfortable. Comfortable in the sense of be myself, but also comfortable in a secure way that nothing bad's gonna happen. I expect a lot I guess.

4)Strengths, I have patience for the stuff that counts. Listening and solving problems and promoting happiness, when someone just says...hey we have to slow down this is how I feel. I listen, and I take it seriously. I can pay the bills, do the grocery shopping, all that sp stuffs. I can be very structured and also I don't have to be.

Weaknesses, I have impatience for the rest. I have a lot of fears, especially fear of abandonment and that no one will take care of me. I secretly want someone to take care of me once in a while and that comes out when I drink alcohol. I am clingy on the inside. In the sense I want to become one with the other person and lose sight of whose hand is whose. But this comes off as needy and clingy. People don't like that.

5) Meh, as long as I dont' feel like it's the end all fight and that the person's gonna abandon me. Conflict aint nothin but a thang.

I like to communicate though dammit. Just tell me what you're feeling, I'll listen and take it in objectively, you have to tell me what you want tho....do you need them validated? And then you listen to how I feel and validate my feelings are ok to have and then we can look at the situation objectively and figure out a compromise. I don't mind goin a couple days heated and not talkin if need be, but the sooner the better cause I have a high sex drive.

6)Pretty much the format is stated above. I guess if I had a choice I'd pick writing. Or sitting next to each other holding hands so I know they're not really mad at me.

If we're not communicating about a conflict then I want face to face.

I'm pretty certain I am either sp/sx or sx/sp. I have that sx desire for intense merging with another person, and that sort of energy attracts me as well. I think I am repelled by someone who likes to distribute their attention more widely than I do; I want someone to be focused on me when we are together. I am attracted by passion as well, and a certain zest for life.

But sp makes that desire moderated; I am repelled by people who seem extreme in relationships, becoming obsessive or very jealous or very emotional. I want to avoid potentially "crazy" people and drama. A deal breaker for a long term relationship would be someone who lacks a sense of self preservation and doesn't care about their health. I need to share interests in that area because it's a big part of my life, as well as having someone I care about live a long and pleasant life.

So, so I guess doesn't really factor in except that they should share my consciousness of the well being of the planet and how our decisions (particularly economic) affect people globally.

The first paragragh I relate to the most.

Oh, didn't answer these.

My ideal relationship would be to have a perfect soulmate and live happily ever after in hippie fairy bliss. We would build an eco-friendly house, grow our own food, find and grow mushrooms, go to festivals and electronic music events, and go hiking and camping a lot. And merge our energy together with the kundalini energy of the universe.

If all that doesn't happen, I'll just have lovers with whom I'm happy and share some interests.

My biggest issues in relationships have been trusting people and being comfortable with being intimate.

Strengths: I'm fun, passionate, sexy, a genuinely nice person, and completely honest. <-- This can also be a weakness if the other person doesn't like honesty as much as I do. I'm easy to get along with and pretty low maintenance. I'm very intuitive about people's feelings and needs.
Weaknesses: I have a compulsion to tell my most intimate feelings and insecurities to people. It's something I've recently become aware of, and so will probably moderate a bit in the future. But in relationships I feel insecure about a lot of things and feel like I have to alleviate those fears. Also I over-analyze things all the time and have had a tendency to worry about the future and not live in the moment.

I handle conflict by figuring out what the issue is, how we both feel about it, what is reasonable, what is feasible, what is normal in the situation, etc. I try to figure out what the problem is and how to solve it, even if it is just in our own psyches (and there is always that component).

So communication is very important to me. If someone won't communicate or isn't good at it, that's a deal breaker and tends to make me think they don't care about me and the relationship.

You can add a lot of what you've said here to mine too ! lol I can relate.

I like that you're so open. It makes me feel like I know you and I'm comfortable with your feedback. I don't think that you should stop telling all people those things...just ppl that will take advantage of you.

instincts, influence: attract/repel

repel= someone who's really needy. i have no problem helping out, but i can't stand the feeling of someone who's drowning and is insisting on bringing you with them.
attract= genuineness, secure with who they are, and a certain sense of "darkness" to their personality (interpret how you will; it can come in a lot of different shades)

biggest issues in relationships

allowing myself to only be attracted to women that are in "need" of something (contradiction, i know). and once they become too much, i just kind of shut off emotionally in the hopes that they'll relax, see that i'm not going anywhere, and hope that they'll address their own issues--hasn't worked out too well yet, .

on the flip side, there seems to be a "fear" of a lack of interest on the partner's side. i haven't been in too many pairings, so i can't tell if it's really just me, or them, or both of us--probably the latter. since i can tell so easily where i stand with another, how they're feeling, and what their boundaries are that day, i just assume everyone is in my head just like i'm "in theirs".

I am the opposite, I assume people are not in my head and I'm definately not in theirs. I would need more feedback.

these are so interesting! i really think this is the stuff that contributes so much to compatibility...mbti less so imo

thanks to everyone who's taken the time to write this stuff out!

more please!

I think so too

 

[five sounds]

I'm so

And what would you say your biggest issues in relationships have been?
Finding a balance between someone who was free-spirited enough, but level-headed enough for me. Also, finding someone who I connected with on a fun level and intellectual level. I usually put my best efforts into a relationship past the point where I'm becoming less interested.

what would you describe as your ideal relationship?
Supportive, adventurous, intimate, light-hearted.

what are your strengths? Weaknesses?
Strengths: Devoted, generous with time, attention, love to do things for my s.o., easy-going, open
Weaknesses: Not expressing my needs/desires (getting better), emotional, poor housekeeping, jumbled thoughts/feelings, need a lot of conversation/activity

how do you handle conflict? [/U]
Avoid aggressive confrontations and try to calmly and rationally discuss points of conflict. I also get very upset if I know my partner is hurt or angry.
I will argue passionately about issues I feel strongly about though (human equality in any way gets me fired up).

How do you prefer to communicate?
Active back-and-forth exchanges of thoughts, ideas, and energy. I like when there's a lot of sending and receiving on both ends and when people send messages clearly.

Great questions! This has been fun to read and respond to.

 

[greenfairy]

I like that you're so open. It makes me feel like I know you and I'm comfortable with your feedback. I don't think that you should stop telling all people those things...just ppl that will take advantage of you.

It's hard to tell who is going to take advantage of me and how, though. Since I don't ever think of doing it to other people, I can't recognize the signs in people. So I just associate with people who make me feel comfortable. I think it has worked pretty well so far. I've made a few poor choices, but they were good for me at the time if that makes sense. Maybe this is an So last thing too.

Have you had people take advantage of you, and are you competent at detecting people who might?

 

[EntangledLight]

1)
I am the opposite, I assume people are not in my head and I'm definately not in theirs. I would need more feedback.

yeah, you're not the only one. i guess i just expect others to question me like i question them--as if not knowing something would just create this nagging spot in their mind like it does in mine. and if they're not, then that means they either don't really care, or that they already understand/"know" what they were after.

really though, i think the problem is that when it comes to emotion, i'm a lot more comfortable with other peoples' than i am with my own. theirs is so much more recognizable than my own.

it is frustrating though (more with myself if i'm honest), because it's almost like those things need to be asked first; even though i wouldn't think badly of another for spilling everything, i can't help but see it as me burdening that other person--kind of like, "no asked, so just keep to yourself", and then i just sort of let that be a normal mode of behavior, something to be worked around instead of actually addressed. it feels odd doing so though, like i'm going to be ridiculed for doing so (when really, it's just myself ridiculing myself--no one else).

it has gotten much better though, especially after seeking out counseling. it's like actually doing what i had initially avoided has made everything a little easier, even to the point where emotion/likes/dislikes are a little closer to my waking mind--to the point where i can more easily do something as trivial as "oh, i do/don't like that", and actually know it as opposed to having that mini-revelation be replaced by anxiety.

 

[Evo]

.

It's hard to tell who is going to take advantage of me and how, though. Since I don't ever think of doing it to other people, I can't recognize the signs in people. So I just associate with people who make me feel comfortable. I think it has worked pretty well so far. I've made a few poor choices, but they were good for me at the time if that makes sense. Maybe this is an So last thing too.

Have you had people take advantage of you, and are you competent at detecting people who might?

I have had people use me...but I always know it's going on.

I'm very very aware of power constructs....so yes! I am good at detecting who may take advantage of me. I don't let people get that close. I'm open and self disclose but those things mean nothing to someone with inferior Fi. It's not until now in my life where I've started to take things personally like that. I will test the waters when meeting new people. But after 2 weeks at the most...I know if I can trust you.

I'm also a 6...it's like you have to be a guru at trust...cause we trust easily but at the same time we trust no one.

I don't know it it's an so last thing...hmm

 

[Evo]

yeah, you're not the only one. i guess i just expect others to question me like i question them--as if not knowing something would just create this nagging spot in their mind like it does in mine. and if they're not, then that means they either don't really care, or that they already understand/"know" what they were after.

really though, i think the problem is that when it comes to emotion, i'm a lot more comfortable with other peoples' than i am with my own. theirs is so much more recognizable than my own.

it is frustrating though (more with myself if i'm honest), because it's almost like those things need to be asked first; even though i wouldn't think badly of another for spilling everything, i can't help but see it as me burdening that other person--kind of like, "no asked, so just keep to yourself", and then i just sort of let that be a normal mode of behavior, something to be worked around instead of actually addressed. it feels odd doing so though, like i'm going to be ridiculed for doing so (when really, it's just myself ridiculing myself--no one else).

it has gotten much better though, especially after seeking out counseling. it's like actually doing what i had initially avoided has made everything a little easier, even to the point where emotion/likes/dislikes are a little closer to my waking mind--to the point where i can more easily do something as trivial as "oh, i do/don't like that", and actually know it as opposed to having that mini-revelation be replaced by anxiety.

"since i can tell so easily where i stand with another, how they're feeling, and what their boundaries are that day, i just assume everyone is in my head just like i'm "in theirs"."

So you are able to see where you stand with others and how they feel, but not as much your own?

I have a hard time with the whole thing. I don't know how I feel, and I definately don't know how others feel. lol So I am in CONSTANT need of making sure that I'm ok with other people.

I look for clues all day. Usually starts with a facial expression, and the person looks upset. Then I have a habit of asking what's wrong, and not giving up til I get an answer.

In my most recent relationship asking what's wrong was the end of the world. It was not ok. He would be mad, but I was not allowed to acknowledge it. So I stopped asking cause it would then make it worse. That to me is poor communication on the other person's part. I cannot know what you're feeling, nor will I assume.

So what kind of clues do you look for to know "where you stand" with someone. Body language?

 

[EntangledLight]

"since i can tell so easily where i stand with another, how they're feeling, and what their boundaries are that day, i just assume everyone is in my head just like i'm "in theirs"."

So you are able to see where you stand with others and how they feel, but not as much your own?

I have a hard time with the whole thing. I don't know how I feel, and I definately don't know how others feel. lol So I am in CONSTANT need of making sure that I'm ok with other people.

I look for clues all day. Usually starts with a facial expression, and the person looks upset. Then I have a habit of asking what's wrong, and not giving up til I get an answer.

In my most recent relationship asking what's wrong was the end of the world. It was not ok. He would be mad, but I was not allowed to acknowledge it. So I stopped asking cause it would then make it worse. That to me is poor communication on the other person's part. I cannot know what you're feeling, nor will I assume.

So what kind of clues do you look for to know "where you stand" with someone. Body language?

yeah, that seems to be a common complaint for TJ's--not knowing either. my grandfather is an INTJ, extremely nice and helpful, but does accidentally step on others or push a little too hard when he goes into "his mode".

i don't really know how i know it; it's just kind of there. it's more like, "hmmm... this person's mind seems to be going in this direction, which means X"--although, of course it's not always right, but just thinking along those lines, and being able to see in which way i was wrong allows me to redirect to what is most likely after that.

as far as "seeing the daily boundary": again, i'm not too much help here. it's just a sixth-sense, something that kind of directs you. i guess it's like taking in a combination of different visual/audio signs, and for some reason you only pay attention to a few that brings you to a conclusion (but really, i'd say the conclusion is already kind of there, and i unknowingly "search" for the right signs to verify it... sounds backwards, but it's usually spot-on enough for me to trust it).

that sucks about not being able to question your SO. i know the kind of anxiety that comes along with being shut out entirely, of actually wanting to help that other person but being unable to even be allowed to begin. it's hard to get those sort of people to open up--i'd just wait until he has calmed down and his mind seems to be elsewhere (other than on the topic that made him upset), and then try to broach the subject, in a way that seems nonchalant or innocent.

 

[Lady_X]

I love when people's brains spill out.

 

[Elfboy]

So... I'm curious about how your instincts influence who and what attracts and repels you.

Sx/Sp

attracted to
- beauty
- grace
- energy
- power (but power under control)
- expression of tender emotions
- heroism
- regality/nobility
-

repulsed by
- pathetic people or behavior
- people who try to turn things into a pissing contest
- people pleasers
- boring things/people
- politics

And what would you say your biggest issues in relationships have been?

- looking for the wrong things from the wrong people
- coming on too strong

what would you describe as your ideal relationship?

too vague for me to answer thoroughly without writing a novel

what are your strengths? Weaknesses?

as far as instincts go? (otherwise, as with the last question, I could write a book on this lol)

Strengths
- grabbing people's attention
- getting what I want through sheer force of personality
- surrounding myself with like minded individuals. all I have to do is be myself and it garners either a hot or cold response. over time, the people who like me stick around and the ones who don't leave.
- saving money
- taking care of myself
- considering the consequences of my action

weaknesses
- getting obsessed with things/love interests
- being unable to concentrate on something mundane for more than a little while.
- needing EVERYTHING To be dramatic or intense or I get bored and shut off
- being oblivious to politics
- feeling the effects of things indirectly because I am not interested in what does not directly effect me
- not putting myself out there
- consistency, in anything really
- lack of realistic long term plans

in short hopeless romantic + narcissist = me

how do you handle conflict?

I'm typically pretty calm, but I bring things up immediately. if someone makes an attempt to be reasonable, I will as well; if they are just being belligerent and won't listen to reason, I either walk away (especially on the internet) or swiftly overpower them. if the person has a legitimate issue with me, I'm pretty patient and try to be understanding of their point of view. I'll probably even thank the person for bringing it up, because many people are afraid to.

How do you prefer to communicate?

vague. clarification would be appreciated

anything else relevant you want to add.

perhaps later

Please and thank you.

you're quite welcome

 

[OrangeAppled]

And what would you say your biggest issues in relationships have been?
- Needing too much space, being too hard to know
- Not having the other person reciprocate the emotional support & personal interest I've given them (and that they've sucked out of me greedily)
- Being too accommodating, giving to much benefit of the doubt, seeing potential instead of the reality of the person
- Not feeling enough for the person & perhaps pity-dating or boredom-dating, or when I do feel a real connection/attraction, being too "up & down" - debating silly things (ie. INTPs...) or feeling insecurity about where things stand between us (ie. ENFJs...flirts!)
- Not being able to move forward because of practical issues, like we're both out of work, it's long-distance, incompatible beliefs/goals/values, etc.

What would you describe as your ideal relationship?
Someone to create our own little world with. I kind of want a level of intellectual & emotional intimacy that is rather intense. I want to be able to explore life with someone & not get stuck in monotony. I want to know each other extremely well, and not just in some factual sense. Definitely want a soul mate / kindred spirit / partners in crime / "us against the world" feel to it. I like when people feel they can be 100% themselves around me & when they give that to me also.

What are your strengths? Weaknesses?
I've been told I am very patient, kind, and flexible "compared to most women". I don't fuss or nag about much of anything. I'm a great listener and very emotionally supportive. My weaknesses may be in practical matters & not asserting my needs in clear communication enough. I have a temperamental/moody side that really has not come up in dating yet (managed to date people for a year or so & not get cantankerous like I do with family). I also need a LOT of space mentally, emotionally, physically, which seems at odds with the level of intimacy I want, but it's more of a quality over quantity thing. I can withdraw for periods of time pretty deeply, have bouts of depression & lack of motivation where everything goes to hell as I lie in bed & daydream for weeks, have a melancholy/negative outlook which may involve ranting & whining & complaining, & feel emotionally manipulated/suffocated/violated even if someone probably is not doing that. Being a "downer" has been more of an issue in starting relationships than keeping them, because I tend to perk up a lot & be happier when in one.
I'm very bookish & like to analyze just about everything, & I can be a slight snob about my tastes. Whether that's a strength or weakness depends on whether you're bookish or a snob too....

How do you handle conflict?
I tend to give the benefit of the doubt or invalidate my own feeling (I am "over-reacting") until the last straw. I will give people direct, fair warnings in a calm manner, but conflict arises when I feel violated as a perpetual thing. In romantic relationships I have found myself more passive, but less temperamental than with family, which is bad for me but good for the guy. If I feel my needs are ignored too much, then I tend to withdraw & think about how to solve it. I probably should communicate more as things occur, & I always have the intention to, but I just need to work things out in my head first (I don't like to act on emotion in a moment). It's not too hard to draw me out, but it's best to be patient about it too (Me: "I don't want to talk about it"... proceeds to talk about it). My own emotions overwhelm me more than other people's. If they have a problem with me, I prefer gentle, but direct communication, as hints & nudges tend to go over my head, but I do feel attacked easily & tend to take criticism as rejection or some statement about my worth as a person.

I come from a emotionally dramatic family & have realized I'm more comfortable with a very emotionally charged communication style though - perhaps appearing like "conflict" to some - than other people may be. That said, I don't like to fight & don't like to recreate my family environment (which could feel hostile in conflicts), but I hate elephants in the room & don't really want anything to be taboo. Avoiding negative realities & feelings seems delusional to me.

How do you prefer to communicate?
I like honest, very open communication. Very little is "too much". I do ask for respect & give it. Low blows are not okay & neither is name-calling or anything else veering into emotional abuse territory. I don't like to be invalidated & I try not to do that to the other person also. I like to communicate as two people on the same side working together, not against each other. I don't like when people shut down when you're talking something out; non-responsiveness irritates me. I prefer "active listening".

 

[brainheart]

I'm sx/sp

I'm curious about how your instincts influence who and what attracts and repels you.

Every person I've loved or been involved with seems to be completely different. I'm just attracted to something deep within them. Same goes with repulsion. Although I am often repulsed and attracted to how a person smells. And I'm not talking soap or perfume, I'm talking sweat and saliva. So I'd say that's pretty heavily sexual instinct. I'm also attracted to passionate people who honor their passions but who have an element of responsibility to them. I'm not attracted to completely wild people. I like it when a person can figure out their shit for themselves. I would imagine that's a self pres instinct influence.

And what would you say your biggest issues in relationships have been?

The fact that my attraction doesn't typically involve common interests. In other words, we can end up being pretty incompatible. Also, in my several years with my husband, the social instinct seems to create a lot of tension. He's social first while I'm social last and he constantly gets irritated by my lack of social awareness/desire to belong while I often roll my eyes at the fact he cares. We had some major problems in the past because I wanted him to quit his job and live a life truer to our passions and he couldn't do it. I wanted us to be an isolated unit while he is always considering his friends and family. I held that against him and it led to an eventual separation. But we ended up working it out. We both knew we loved each other and love should be unconditional so that's what I try to remember. (He's a so/sx 6w7 and I think sixes who are self pres last still tend to be pretty responsible.)

what would you describe as your ideal relationship?

One where you can be your complete honest selves with each other. That said, I reached the conclusion yesterday that I desire dramatic tension and rocky emotions too much to want an ideal relationship. My relationship with my husband has ideal moments and is quite good overall but then I become so off/on, moody, and aloof because (typically subconsciously) something within me tells me that I am not a happy person and to be a happy person is to be boring. And then I notice all of his flaws and I can't see any of the good things and I'm convinced we are the most mismatched couple ever. But then he'll start to become distant due to my coldness and I'll find him more desirable again and things will be great again for a couple of days. I must drive him insane. (I would also add that when we get alone one on one time- away from the house especially- things are typically great. We just went on a vacation together for a week and it was ideal most of the time.)

what are your strengths? Weaknesses?

I'm good at getting intimate quickly with a person when there's a connection, really locking in. I'm also pretty devoted and can be quite giving and selfless. I can appear low maintenance because I withdraw and hide feelings (a weakness), but it's also because deep down I want the person I love to be his true self and I know a lot of my negative feelings are fleeting.

how do you handle conflict?

I love and hate it. I like things to have an element of turbulence but I also like things to be ok. If there's scary this shit is for real conflict I freak out and will very assertively try to get it fixed. But I also know that it will be one of many conflicts. Conflict is present in every relationship.


How do you prefer to communicate?

With a slight buzz and in close confidence, sharing secrets. Also physically, in all its manifestations.