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  1. #31
    Entertaining Cracker five sounds's Avatar
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    I'm so

    And what would you say your biggest issues in relationships have been?
    Finding a balance between someone who was free-spirited enough, but level-headed enough for me. Also, finding someone who I connected with on a fun level and intellectual level. I usually put my best efforts into a relationship past the point where I'm becoming less interested.

    what would you describe as your ideal relationship?
    Supportive, adventurous, intimate, light-hearted.

    what are your strengths? Weaknesses?
    Strengths: Devoted, generous with time, attention, love to do things for my s.o., easy-going, open
    Weaknesses: Not expressing my needs/desires (getting better), emotional, poor housekeeping, jumbled thoughts/feelings, need a lot of conversation/activity

    how do you handle conflict? [/U]
    Avoid aggressive confrontations and try to calmly and rationally discuss points of conflict. I also get very upset if I know my partner is hurt or angry.
    I will argue passionately about issues I feel strongly about though (human equality in any way gets me fired up).

    How do you prefer to communicate?
    Active back-and-forth exchanges of thoughts, ideas, and energy. I like when there's a lot of sending and receiving on both ends and when people send messages clearly.

    Great questions! This has been fun to read and respond to.

  2. #32
    philosopher wood nymph greenfairy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Urarienev View Post
    I like that you're so open. It makes me feel like I know you and I'm comfortable with your feedback. I don't think that you should stop telling all people those things...just ppl that will take advantage of you.
    It's hard to tell who is going to take advantage of me and how, though. Since I don't ever think of doing it to other people, I can't recognize the signs in people. So I just associate with people who make me feel comfortable. I think it has worked pretty well so far. I've made a few poor choices, but they were good for me at the time if that makes sense. Maybe this is an So last thing too.

    Have you had people take advantage of you, and are you competent at detecting people who might?

  3. #33
    Senior Member EntangledLight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Urarienev View Post
    1)
    I am the opposite, I assume people are not in my head and I'm definately not in theirs. I would need more feedback.
    yeah, you're not the only one. i guess i just expect others to question me like i question them--as if not knowing something would just create this nagging spot in their mind like it does in mine. and if they're not, then that means they either don't really care, or that they already understand/"know" what they were after.

    really though, i think the problem is that when it comes to emotion, i'm a lot more comfortable with other peoples' than i am with my own. theirs is so much more recognizable than my own.

    it is frustrating though (more with myself if i'm honest), because it's almost like those things need to be asked first; even though i wouldn't think badly of another for spilling everything, i can't help but see it as me burdening that other person--kind of like, "no asked, so just keep to yourself", and then i just sort of let that be a normal mode of behavior, something to be worked around instead of actually addressed. it feels odd doing so though, like i'm going to be ridiculed for doing so (when really, it's just myself ridiculing myself--no one else).

    it has gotten much better though, especially after seeking out counseling. it's like actually doing what i had initially avoided has made everything a little easier, even to the point where emotion/likes/dislikes are a little closer to my waking mind--to the point where i can more easily do something as trivial as "oh, i do/don't like that", and actually know it as opposed to having that mini-revelation be replaced by anxiety.

  4. #34
    Unapologetic being Evolving Transparency's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by greenfairy View Post
    It's hard to tell who is going to take advantage of me and how, though. Since I don't ever think of doing it to other people, I can't recognize the signs in people. So I just associate with people who make me feel comfortable. I think it has worked pretty well so far. I've made a few poor choices, but they were good for me at the time if that makes sense. Maybe this is an So last thing too.

    Have you had people take advantage of you, and are you competent at detecting people who might?
    I have had people use me...but I always know it's going on.

    I'm very very aware of power constructs....so yes! I am good at detecting who may take advantage of me. I don't let people get that close. I'm open and self disclose but those things mean nothing to someone with inferior Fi. It's not until now in my life where I've started to take things personally like that. I will test the waters when meeting new people. But after 2 weeks at the most...I know if I can trust you.

    I'm also a 6...it's like you have to be a guru at trust...cause we trust easily but at the same time we trust no one.

    I don't know it it's an so last thing...hmm
    "Once the game is over, the Pawn and the King go back into the same box"

    Freedom isn't free.
    "Freedom is the right to tell people what they do not want to hear." ~ Orwell
    I'm that person that embodies pretty much everything that you hate. Might as well get used to it.
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  5. #35
    Unapologetic being Evolving Transparency's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EntangledLight View Post
    yeah, you're not the only one. i guess i just expect others to question me like i question them--as if not knowing something would just create this nagging spot in their mind like it does in mine. and if they're not, then that means they either don't really care, or that they already understand/"know" what they were after.

    really though, i think the problem is that when it comes to emotion, i'm a lot more comfortable with other peoples' than i am with my own. theirs is so much more recognizable than my own.

    it is frustrating though (more with myself if i'm honest), because it's almost like those things need to be asked first; even though i wouldn't think badly of another for spilling everything, i can't help but see it as me burdening that other person--kind of like, "no asked, so just keep to yourself", and then i just sort of let that be a normal mode of behavior, something to be worked around instead of actually addressed. it feels odd doing so though, like i'm going to be ridiculed for doing so (when really, it's just myself ridiculing myself--no one else).

    it has gotten much better though, especially after seeking out counseling. it's like actually doing what i had initially avoided has made everything a little easier, even to the point where emotion/likes/dislikes are a little closer to my waking mind--to the point where i can more easily do something as trivial as "oh, i do/don't like that", and actually know it as opposed to having that mini-revelation be replaced by anxiety.
    "since i can tell so easily where i stand with another, how they're feeling, and what their boundaries are that day, i just assume everyone is in my head just like i'm "in theirs"."

    So you are able to see where you stand with others and how they feel, but not as much your own?

    I have a hard time with the whole thing. I don't know how I feel, and I definately don't know how others feel. lol So I am in CONSTANT need of making sure that I'm ok with other people.

    I look for clues all day. Usually starts with a facial expression, and the person looks upset. Then I have a habit of asking what's wrong, and not giving up til I get an answer.

    In my most recent relationship asking what's wrong was the end of the world. It was not ok. He would be mad, but I was not allowed to acknowledge it. So I stopped asking cause it would then make it worse. That to me is poor communication on the other person's part. I cannot know what you're feeling, nor will I assume.

    So what kind of clues do you look for to know "where you stand" with someone. Body language?
    "Once the game is over, the Pawn and the King go back into the same box"

    Freedom isn't free.
    "Freedom is the right to tell people what they do not want to hear." ~ Orwell
    I'm that person that embodies pretty much everything that you hate. Might as well get used to it.
    Unapologetically bonding in an uninhibited, propelled manner
    10w12

  6. #36
    Senior Member EntangledLight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Urarienev View Post
    "since i can tell so easily where i stand with another, how they're feeling, and what their boundaries are that day, i just assume everyone is in my head just like i'm "in theirs"."

    So you are able to see where you stand with others and how they feel, but not as much your own?

    I have a hard time with the whole thing. I don't know how I feel, and I definately don't know how others feel. lol So I am in CONSTANT need of making sure that I'm ok with other people.

    I look for clues all day. Usually starts with a facial expression, and the person looks upset. Then I have a habit of asking what's wrong, and not giving up til I get an answer.

    In my most recent relationship asking what's wrong was the end of the world. It was not ok. He would be mad, but I was not allowed to acknowledge it. So I stopped asking cause it would then make it worse. That to me is poor communication on the other person's part. I cannot know what you're feeling, nor will I assume.

    So what kind of clues do you look for to know "where you stand" with someone. Body language?
    yeah, that seems to be a common complaint for TJ's--not knowing either. my grandfather is an INTJ, extremely nice and helpful, but does accidentally step on others or push a little too hard when he goes into "his mode".

    i don't really know how i know it; it's just kind of there. it's more like, "hmmm... this person's mind seems to be going in this direction, which means X"--although, of course it's not always right, but just thinking along those lines, and being able to see in which way i was wrong allows me to redirect to what is most likely after that.

    as far as "seeing the daily boundary": again, i'm not too much help here. it's just a sixth-sense, something that kind of directs you. i guess it's like taking in a combination of different visual/audio signs, and for some reason you only pay attention to a few that brings you to a conclusion (but really, i'd say the conclusion is already kind of there, and i unknowingly "search" for the right signs to verify it... sounds backwards, but it's usually spot-on enough for me to trust it).

    that sucks about not being able to question your SO. i know the kind of anxiety that comes along with being shut out entirely, of actually wanting to help that other person but being unable to even be allowed to begin. it's hard to get those sort of people to open up--i'd just wait until he has calmed down and his mind seems to be elsewhere (other than on the topic that made him upset), and then try to broach the subject, in a way that seems nonchalant or innocent. :P

  7. #37
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  8. #38
    Certified Sausage Smoker Elfboy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    So... I'm curious about how your instincts influence who and what attracts and repels you.
    Sx/Sp

    attracted to
    - beauty
    - grace
    - energy
    - power (but power under control)
    - expression of tender emotions
    - heroism
    - regality/nobility
    -

    repulsed by
    - pathetic people or behavior
    - people who try to turn things into a pissing contest
    - people pleasers
    - boring things/people
    - politics


    And what would you say your biggest issues in relationships have been?
    - looking for the wrong things from the wrong people
    - coming on too strong

    what would you describe as your ideal relationship?
    too vague for me to answer thoroughly without writing a novel

    what are your strengths? Weaknesses?
    as far as instincts go? (otherwise, as with the last question, I could write a book on this lol)

    Strengths
    - grabbing people's attention
    - getting what I want through sheer force of personality
    - surrounding myself with like minded individuals. all I have to do is be myself and it garners either a hot or cold response. over time, the people who like me stick around and the ones who don't leave.
    - saving money
    - taking care of myself
    - considering the consequences of my action

    weaknesses
    - getting obsessed with things/love interests
    - being unable to concentrate on something mundane for more than a little while.
    - needing EVERYTHING To be dramatic or intense or I get bored and shut off
    - being oblivious to politics
    - feeling the effects of things indirectly because I am not interested in what does not directly effect me
    - not putting myself out there
    - consistency, in anything really
    - lack of realistic long term plans

    in short hopeless romantic + narcissist = me

    how do you handle conflict?
    I'm typically pretty calm, but I bring things up immediately. if someone makes an attempt to be reasonable, I will as well; if they are just being belligerent and won't listen to reason, I either walk away (especially on the internet) or swiftly overpower them. if the person has a legitimate issue with me, I'm pretty patient and try to be understanding of their point of view. I'll probably even thank the person for bringing it up, because many people are afraid to.

    How do you prefer to communicate?
    vague. clarification would be appreciated

    anything else relevant you want to add.
    perhaps later

    Please and thank you.
    you're quite welcome
    ENFP: We put the Fi in Fire
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  9. #39
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    And what would you say your biggest issues in relationships have been?
    - Needing too much space, being too hard to know
    - Not having the other person reciprocate the emotional support & personal interest I've given them (and that they've sucked out of me greedily)
    - Being too accommodating, giving to much benefit of the doubt, seeing potential instead of the reality of the person
    - Not feeling enough for the person & perhaps pity-dating or boredom-dating, or when I do feel a real connection/attraction, being too "up & down" - debating silly things (ie. INTPs...) or feeling insecurity about where things stand between us (ie. ENFJs...flirts!)
    - Not being able to move forward because of practical issues, like we're both out of work, it's long-distance, incompatible beliefs/goals/values, etc.

    What would you describe as your ideal relationship?
    Someone to create our own little world with. I kind of want a level of intellectual & emotional intimacy that is rather intense. I want to be able to explore life with someone & not get stuck in monotony. I want to know each other extremely well, and not just in some factual sense. Definitely want a soul mate / kindred spirit / partners in crime / "us against the world" feel to it. I like when people feel they can be 100% themselves around me & when they give that to me also.

    What are your strengths? Weaknesses?
    I've been told I am very patient, kind, and flexible "compared to most women". I don't fuss or nag about much of anything. I'm a great listener and very emotionally supportive. My weaknesses may be in practical matters & not asserting my needs in clear communication enough. I have a temperamental/moody side that really has not come up in dating yet (managed to date people for a year or so & not get cantankerous like I do with family). I also need a LOT of space mentally, emotionally, physically, which seems at odds with the level of intimacy I want, but it's more of a quality over quantity thing. I can withdraw for periods of time pretty deeply, have bouts of depression & lack of motivation where everything goes to hell as I lie in bed & daydream for weeks, have a melancholy/negative outlook which may involve ranting & whining & complaining, & feel emotionally manipulated/suffocated/violated even if someone probably is not doing that. Being a "downer" has been more of an issue in starting relationships than keeping them, because I tend to perk up a lot & be happier when in one.
    I'm very bookish & like to analyze just about everything, & I can be a slight snob about my tastes. Whether that's a strength or weakness depends on whether you're bookish or a snob too....

    How do you handle conflict?
    I tend to give the benefit of the doubt or invalidate my own feeling (I am "over-reacting") until the last straw. I will give people direct, fair warnings in a calm manner, but conflict arises when I feel violated as a perpetual thing. In romantic relationships I have found myself more passive, but less temperamental than with family, which is bad for me but good for the guy. If I feel my needs are ignored too much, then I tend to withdraw & think about how to solve it. I probably should communicate more as things occur, & I always have the intention to, but I just need to work things out in my head first (I don't like to act on emotion in a moment). It's not too hard to draw me out, but it's best to be patient about it too (Me: "I don't want to talk about it"... proceeds to talk about it). My own emotions overwhelm me more than other people's. If they have a problem with me, I prefer gentle, but direct communication, as hints & nudges tend to go over my head, but I do feel attacked easily & tend to take criticism as rejection or some statement about my worth as a person.

    I come from a emotionally dramatic family & have realized I'm more comfortable with a very emotionally charged communication style though - perhaps appearing like "conflict" to some - than other people may be. That said, I don't like to fight & don't like to recreate my family environment (which could feel hostile in conflicts), but I hate elephants in the room & don't really want anything to be taboo. Avoiding negative realities & feelings seems delusional to me.

    How do you prefer to communicate?
    I like honest, very open communication. Very little is "too much". I do ask for respect & give it. Low blows are not okay & neither is name-calling or anything else veering into emotional abuse territory. I don't like to be invalidated & I try not to do that to the other person also. I like to communicate as two people on the same side working together, not against each other. I don't like when people shut down when you're talking something out; non-responsiveness irritates me. I prefer "active listening".
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  10. #40
    brainheart
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    I'm sx/sp

    I'm curious about how your instincts influence who and what attracts and repels you.

    Every person I've loved or been involved with seems to be completely different. I'm just attracted to something deep within them. Same goes with repulsion. Although I am often repulsed and attracted to how a person smells. And I'm not talking soap or perfume, I'm talking sweat and saliva. So I'd say that's pretty heavily sexual instinct. I'm also attracted to passionate people who honor their passions but who have an element of responsibility to them. I'm not attracted to completely wild people. I like it when a person can figure out their shit for themselves. I would imagine that's a self pres instinct influence.

    And what would you say your biggest issues in relationships have been?

    The fact that my attraction doesn't typically involve common interests. In other words, we can end up being pretty incompatible. Also, in my several years with my husband, the social instinct seems to create a lot of tension. He's social first while I'm social last and he constantly gets irritated by my lack of social awareness/desire to belong while I often roll my eyes at the fact he cares. We had some major problems in the past because I wanted him to quit his job and live a life truer to our passions and he couldn't do it. I wanted us to be an isolated unit while he is always considering his friends and family. I held that against him and it led to an eventual separation. But we ended up working it out. We both knew we loved each other and love should be unconditional so that's what I try to remember. (He's a so/sx 6w7 and I think sixes who are self pres last still tend to be pretty responsible.)

    what would you describe as your ideal relationship?

    One where you can be your complete honest selves with each other. That said, I reached the conclusion yesterday that I desire dramatic tension and rocky emotions too much to want an ideal relationship. My relationship with my husband has ideal moments and is quite good overall but then I become so off/on, moody, and aloof because (typically subconsciously) something within me tells me that I am not a happy person and to be a happy person is to be boring. And then I notice all of his flaws and I can't see any of the good things and I'm convinced we are the most mismatched couple ever. But then he'll start to become distant due to my coldness and I'll find him more desirable again and things will be great again for a couple of days. I must drive him insane. (I would also add that when we get alone one on one time- away from the house especially- things are typically great. We just went on a vacation together for a week and it was ideal most of the time.)

    what are your strengths? Weaknesses?

    I'm good at getting intimate quickly with a person when there's a connection, really locking in. I'm also pretty devoted and can be quite giving and selfless. I can appear low maintenance because I withdraw and hide feelings (a weakness), but it's also because deep down I want the person I love to be his true self and I know a lot of my negative feelings are fleeting.

    how do you handle conflict?

    I love and hate it. I like things to have an element of turbulence but I also like things to be ok. If there's scary this shit is for real conflict I freak out and will very assertively try to get it fixed. But I also know that it will be one of many conflicts. Conflict is present in every relationship.


    How do you prefer to communicate?

    With a slight buzz and in close confidence, sharing secrets. Also physically, in all its manifestations.

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