[sx] Enneagram sx doms: How do you feel when you aren't sexually desirable?

[Amargith]

@OP

Like I've failed. It is a weird feeling, but I have to admit I am sort of competitive on that. I am fully aware of how minor a thing it is in a world of other pursuits though

 

[The Great One]

@OP

Like I've failed. It is a weird feeling, but I have to admit I am sort of competitive on that. I am fully aware of how minor a thing it is in a world of other pursuits though

It's not a minor thing to me.

 

[Amargith]

It's not a minor thing to me.

Nor to me. But it is about perspective and being able to not take your instinctual desires as the end all in the universe. Iow, being able to step away, not take it too seriously and be able to laugh at yourself a bit especially when you consider how relative it all is. There are more important things in the world after all. That said, it is important enough for me to consciously be aware of it and improve where i can.

 

[The Great One]

Nor to me. But it is about perspective and being able to not take your instinctual desires as the end all in the universe. Iow, being able to step away, not take it too seriously and be able to laugh at yourself a bit especially when you consider how relative it all is. There are more important things in the world after all. That said, it is important enough for me to consciously be aware of it and improve where i can.

That's hard for me. I view it as a lingering problem that needs to be solved.

 

[Amargith]

That's hard for me. I view it as a lingering problem that needs to be solved.

you will get old and lose your looks, sex drive and sex appeal eventually. It is just a fact of life so i consider it unwise to get too attached, i guess

 

[The Great One]

you will get old and lose your looks, sex drive and sex appeal eventually. It is just a fact of life so i consider it unwise to get too attached, i guess

I'll take Viagra to keep my sex drive. Then, I'll use facial treatments to look younger. If I have to, I'll also get plastic surgery to look younger. I'm not looking like an old bag, no matter what!

 

[011235813]

I'll take Viagra to keep my sex drive. Then, I'll use facial treatments to look younger. If I have to, I'll also get plastic surgery to look younger. I'm not looking like an old bag, no matter what!

People might find that level of effort desperate and desperation is commonly cited as being unattractive. I mean, yeah, put effort into looking and feeling good but single-minded fixation is bound to turn a lot of prospective mates off.

 

[greenfairy]

Well again I have this stupid gagging problem that prevents me from doing heavy exercise, and I also have hypoglycemia which makes me have to eat more so it's not good for maintaining an attractive weight. Not being attractive due to these conditions is really doing a number on my psyche.

Are you able to do moderate exercise for extended periods of time? I think that would help a lot; also decreasing or eliminating white flour and decreasing refined sugar helps a lot. I don't know what your diet or lifestyle is like.

In response: I have always had faith that I am desirable, even when I didn't like my appearance all that much and felt awkward. There was still the competing belief that I was ugly and undesirable though; somehow both beliefs existed in my psyche. In the past like 5 years I think I have become a lot more attractive, in subtle ways; but I still have that little fear sometimes that deep down I am ugly and the person I am with is going to discover it and leave me (despite guys telling me all the time that I'm beautiful). I probably try to overcompensate in a lot of ways.

 

[The Great One]

People might find that level of effort desperate and desperation is commonly cited as being unattractive. I mean, yeah, put effort into looking and feeling good but single-minded fixation is bound to turn a lot of prospective mates off.

So what's the alternative? Look like an old bag with wrinkly skin? I don't think so. I think that I'd be turning a lot more mates on than I would off.

Are you able to do moderate exercise for extended periods of time? I think that would help a lot; also decreasing or eliminating white flour and decreasing refined sugar helps a lot. I don't know what your diet or lifestyle is like.

In response: I have always had faith that I am desirable, even when I didn't like my appearance all that much and felt awkward. There was still the competing belief that I was ugly and undesirable though; somehow both beliefs existed in my psyche. In the past like 5 years I think I have become a lot more attractive, in subtle ways; but I still have that little fear sometimes that deep down I am ugly and the person I am with is going to discover it and leave me (despite guys telling me all the time that I'm beautiful). I probably try to overcompensate in a lot of ways.

I'm thinking what I'm going to do is to take extra college loans out this semester to be able to get an upper GI and if necessary an upper endoscopy. I'm tired of living with this problem.

 

[Lady_X]

So what's the alternative? Look like an old bag with wrinkly skin? I don't think so. I think that I'd be turning a lot more mates on than I would off.



I'm thinking what I'm going to do is to take extra college loans out this semester to be able to get an upper GI and if necessary an upper endoscopy. I'm tired of living with this problem.

wait...will you please indulge my laziness here and tell me again what you're problem is exactly?

 

[Chiharu]

AWFUL. I worry that it's some sort of social indoctrination, but I don't even feel okay with looking gross if I'm home alone.

 

[011235813]

So what's the alternative? Look like an old bag with wrinkly skin? I don't think so. I think that I'd be turning a lot more mates on than I would off.

No, I'm not saying don't take care of yourself, I'm saying don't look like you're trying too hard or be too desperate about it. You don't want to be the tryhard with the toupee at 60, do you? Every gold digger around will sniff out your desperation and laugh at you while spending your money.

(No offense to anyone with a toupee. Or to 60 year olds. Or to gold diggers, a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.)

 

[The Great One]

wait...will you please indulge my laziness here and tell me again what you're problem is exactly?

I gag when I exercise. I can't figure out why. It makes it difficult to loose weight.

No, I'm not saying don't take care of yourself, I'm saying don't look like you're trying too hard or be too desperate about it. You don't want to be the tryhard with the toupee at 60, do you? Every gold digger around will sniff out your desperation and laugh at you while spending your money.

(No offense to anyone with a toupee. Or to 60 year olds. Or to gold diggers, a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.)

I won't have a toupee at 60. I will have hair restoration at 60. LOL, it also sounds like you have a lot of experience when it comes to gold digging.

 

[Morpeko]

The sx variant for me is not about sexual intercourse at all. While I'd prefer not to be ugly, I don't have a desire to look sexually desirable to others, because sex is not something that interests me. It's more about connection and passion, and not only related to people.

 

[Luminous]

"How do you feel when you aren't sexually desirable?"

For me, a more meaningful answer is to the question How do you feel when (desired) others don't find you sexually attractive? as I've never felt that I am sexually undesirable. I have felt that others thought I was. I internalized that message and ended up with an eating disorder. So yeah. It felt pretty fucking horrible. Like there was something wrong with me at my very core, confusing, excruciatingly painful. Later, huge misunderstandings came to light that made clear how I misinterpreted what certain things meant; how I thought an inherent deficiency within me caused rejection that had nothing truly to do with me.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

It has been a life-long area of torment and inner conflict for me. There is a part of me that can dream of being an iconic beauty far removed from personal exchange, and then a part of me that lives to be connected and mutually adored in an intimate relationship.

For the generalized public, acquaintances, colleagues, students, family, etc. I have almost an intense fear of being seen as sexual. I read other people's instincts very vividly, so if someone who I don't want thinking of me in that way is checking me out, I get really uncomfortable, a little panicked.

So, I have this deep and intense inner conflict of appearing asexual and overly modest, but my actual life and needs are the opposite. My sexuality is extremely non-social which is something many people can't imagine. I can tell the people for whom sexual identity is about making a social impressions with close associates without necessarily having intimacy. I can't relate in that manner.

I do have a funny sort of idealism for the experience of sexual attraction, so that I admire the larger than life Hollywood Diva or the intense intimate connection of mutual artistic muses. I can admire more fervently than I can imagine being admired.

Anyway, I have this tendency to feel grotesque to sometimes hope for an idyllic moment of beauty. I mostly can only see myself sexually through the eyes of someone else in an intense empathic exchange.

 

[Kanra Jest]

I've been told I was "fucking fuckable" and been asked for sex but refused it because I wasn't ready unless I KNEW for a fact they were 'the one' for me. Though I've engaged in sexual activity as an experiment and exploration of curiosity before.

Tbh though I always end up finding out the only thing that actually makes me feel alive is the connection. Usually a strong connection. Intensity. Merging. Or something. Otherwise it just ends up empty and fleeting to me. I want to feel alive. Charged. I want to 'experience'. I thrive off connections and intimacy in narrow intervals. Like a very close friend, a lover. Virtually anyone else I'll probably forget about a lot, though.