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  1. #1
    Don't pet me. JAVO's Avatar
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    Default How can an sx make friends with an sp without scaring them away

    Given the sx more risk-naive desire to connect with others tends to conflict somewhat with the sp focus on safety, security and trust, what behaviors and statements would be a positive step toward building a friendship with an sp?

    What behaviors and statements should be avoided or very carefully considered?

    Any real life examples of what worked and what didn't?


    I'm sx/sp. For me, that generally means I'm essentially sp until I find someone I want to connect with, at which point sp takes a very small cautionary role. Because of this, it's hard to understand the sp perspective of maintaining the defensive walls and never initiating any interaction even after clear liking and trust have developed. In general, once enough understanding and trust have developed, I've found it useful to describe myself as a person who focuses on connecting with others on a deeper level than just superficial interaction. But, if that's done too early or expressed too intensely or extremely, it understandably scares the sp away. It might scare away an so too, as only another sx would likely understand such intensity.

  2. #2
    011235813
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    Don't focus on the connection. Focus on connecting.

  3. #3
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    You're describing sx last more than sp-dom, IMO.

    I don't necessarily focus on safety, security & trust. I don't necessarily scare easily.... I often just don't care that much. Keeping it on the "surface" is a way to keep me not caring. If I do scare, then it's because I may feel that someone is asking something of me I don't feel able to give. I honestly feel like this is more about introversion and perhaps my core type of 4w5. If I'm not in the mood, then I'm not in the mood. Trying to pull me out of my shell either makes me retreat more stubbornly or I feel stupid for not being able to reciprocate adequately.

    I like intensity.... I suppose for me, knowing I can be intense with someone, that they're okay with it, is what makes me feel safe to open up. Perhaps an sx-dom expects/wants something quicker, but time & patience may be all that is needed to give an sp-dom time to warm up.

    I'm not sure what type this is... but the kind who is more of a performer and seeks to draw/repel people that way (so/sx? IDK, I think my exes were this type though) is the type who will likely not connect with me. I may certainly notice them & have a strong reaction to them like anyone else, but I'm not going to initiate anything. I'm much more of a one-on-one type...and I'm not going to come to you.

    This is going to vary a lot with each enneatype though... the instincts can manifest very differently between them.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  4. #4
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    I like intensity.... I suppose for me, knowing I can be intense with someone, that they're okay with it, is what makes me feel safe to open up. Perhaps an sx-dom expects/wants something quicker, but time & patience may be all that is needed to give an sp-dom time to warm up.
    I agree with this. My relationships tend to be almost all or nothing, with the result that I have very few of them, but they are incredibly satisfying.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...

  5. #5
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    I agree with this. My relationships tend to be almost all or nothing, with the result that I have very few of them, but they are incredibly satisfying.
    This fits me too; I don't really do acquaintances or activity-relationships, and have more than once used the 'all or nothing' phrase.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  6. #6
    FRACTALICIOUS phobik's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JAVO View Post
    Given the sx more risk-naive desire to connect with others tends to conflict somewhat with the sp focus on safety, security and trust, what behaviors and statements would be a positive step toward building a friendship with an sp?

    What behaviors and statements should be avoided or very carefully considered?

    Any real life examples of what worked and what didn't?


    I'm sx/sp. For me, that generally means I'm essentially sp until I find someone I want to connect with, at which point sp takes a very small cautionary role. Because of this, it's hard to understand the sp perspective of maintaining the defensive walls and never initiating any interaction even after clear liking and trust have developed. In general, once enough understanding and trust have developed, I've found it useful to describe myself as a person who focuses on connecting with others on a deeper level than just superficial interaction. But, if that's done too early or expressed too intensely or extremely, it understandably scares the sp away. It might scare away an so too, as only another sx would likely understand such intensity.
    I relate to this. More often than not, it feels like we've talked about it, established trust and bonded [or so I think/desire], but I'm at the starting line alone while they're still doing some obscure secret preparation/in doubt/wary/guarded.
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  7. #7
    Glycerine
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    I am sp/so. I used to think I was sx but considering how much I connect to people and then l just let relationships die, I am most likely not... my problem has been being a fairly socially extroverted sp/so.

    I guess one thing that seems to scare me is LONG walls of texts trying to get to know me because then I feel obligated to write long walls of texts back to the person containing a lot of information. It might just be my personal quirk though.

    Saying that, it's rarely anything personal. To be honest, I consider it a problem more on my end so just be yourself.

  8. #8
    my floof is luxury Wind Up Rex's Avatar
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    Tbh, I've had more trouble connecting with So-doms than Sp-doms. Perhaps it's because I'm an Sp-second myself, but Sp-doms give me a very natural sense of emotional containment and security. It might have something to do with the fact that they have a very definite sense of boundaries, which allows me to always know where I stand with them, and how far I can push without pissing them off.

    My best friend of many years is sp/so. Developing a relationship with him took a lot of patience and time. It might be best to think of the sx and sp connection as kind of a dance. You advance until you sense resistance, then you step back and give them space to regroup. Rinse, wash and repeat until you've been absorbed as one of their's or they tell you to go fuck yourself. Once an Sp claims you, though, you pretty much belong to them for the duration, so look out for that.
    And so long as you haven’t experienced this: to die and so to grow,
    you are only a troubled guest on the dark earth

  9. #9
    The Memes Justify the End EcK's Avatar
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    deception followed by artful backstabbing will do just fine with any instinctual stacking
    Expression of the post modern paradox : "For the love of god, religions are so full of shit"

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  10. #10
    brainheart
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    I relate to scaring people away very much, @JAVO. In my experience, I can be friends with self pres types, I just can't expect as much interaction from them. What tends to happen is I get really excited and forceful with my attention, they back off, I get disappointed and disillusioned, my heart gets broken a little, I start to hate them a bit, I come to peace with it, and we end up having a situation where we see each other every once in awhile. We can really connect when we are together, but I realize those moments will be few and far between.

    I am an introverted 4w5 and I like having time alone, too, it's just when I'm excited about something or someone I feel like I switch into something which can seem pretty extroverted and on fire. There's a lot of off/on- either I am in blazes or I am a pile of ashes or I am a stack of wood waiting to be lit. I think self pres types prefer being around me when I'm the more sedate version of my self, which is not how I am at the beginning when I'm excited about the energy I derive from a person I like.

    I agree with @OrangeAppled that you need to exercise some patience, which I know can be difficult to do when you're excited about a person. But you really do have to wait for self pres types to open up. You can't vomit all over them on first meeting and expect them to do the same.

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