Multiple Enneagram Subtypes/Instincts How can an sx make friends with an sp without scaring them away

[Redbone]

The thing with sp/sx, or at least in my case, is we tend to want to sustain something. There's a desire for pacing so as not to have that burnout described above. I think that's where the stability/security factor comes in, but being sx second you want to sustain a level of intensity. I think the main way we do that is with space - periods of solitude, physical areas which belong to us, private interests we cultivate independently, and generally not being swallowed up so that the excitement dies out from not having anything new to consistently bring in.

I can definitely relate to this. I very much want to have an intense connection but I also want my space, solitude, and privacy. Being with an sx-dom can feel like being outside on a warm day. It's beautiful and the feeling of sun on my skin is wonderful. It chases my own natural coolness away and makes me feel alive. As pleasant as it is, I have a saturation point and it's time to go.

I'm very aware that it is a feast/famine thing and can make another person wonder what the hell is going on.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I would think the sp/sx would be more likely to pull away if things got too close too fast, but you list yourself as sp/sx, which suggests he was the sx/sp.

OrangeApplied's comments about sp/sx wanting to sustain the intensity makes sense to me, as do the approaches - time apart, independent interests, etc.

The thing is, sx-dom can be the more fickle ones, suddenly pulling away because something is no longer exciting for them; after sucking all the nectar out, they fly away to the next bloom. That's why sustaining something to me is preventing burnout on both ends, even if the other end is an sx-dom. It's easy for me to get caught up with an sx-dom (or even an sx second) though because the intense connection is unusual... I know "pace" was one issue in my last relationship (and I think he was so/sx). Things moved a lot faster than I'd consider ideal for sustaining.

 

[Thalassa]

It's not a problem for me; the only problem I encounter is attempting to form a sexual relationship (or a "passionate friendship") with an sp dom (or sx last more likely).

It's just not happening. They think I'm about as comforting and safe as the anti-christ once they get to know me.

My best relationships have been with other sx dom (I mean men romantically or sexually, not platonic friendships with women or men).

I still have never had a problem with sp doms as friends; I don't even bother to direct my intensity toward them, why would I? That's why for a long time I presumed I was sx/sp rather than sx/so (though I seem to be a much more apparent sx/so with my concerns for world politics and social image) ...because I just don't scare away sp doms as friends, especially not IRL.

People are actually surprised when they find out how intense I am IRL. I am very self-contained, and probably not at all like people imagine I'm like from seeing the Marm show.

 

[brainheart]

The thing is, sx-dom can be the more fickle ones, suddenly pulling away because something is no longer exciting for them; after sucking all the nectar out, they fly away to the next bloom. That's why sustaining something to me is preventing burnout on both ends, even if the other end is an sx-dom. It's easy for me to get caught up with an sx-dom (or even an sx second) though because the intense connection is unusual... I know "pace" was one issue in my last relationship (and I think he was so/sx). Things moved a lot faster than I'd consider ideal for sustaining.

I agree. Sx-doms can be very fickle about everything- love interests, career, interests. The difference between sx and sp makes me think of the tortoise and the hare- the self pres type will, like the tortoise, want to be more slow and steady to sustain and finish while the sexual will sprint in the beginning excitement, get bored or tired, do something else and thereby not complete the race.

I think self pres types and social types both are more focused on sustainability and longevity than sexual types. The self pres type depends on their personal self reliance for stability while the social type relies on their group bonds for stability. This isn't to say that sexual types don't want something or someone to rely on, I think it's just harder for them to find something reliable that will also meet their needs for intensity/excitement. I think when they do you will see someone like Van Gogh, feverishly putting their all into their passion.

 

[Thalassa]

This doesn't mean that sx doms aren't faithful...I was in a relationship for six years and only left it because of severe dysfunction and unwillingness of my partner to seek therapy, and the most recent person I truly had feelings for, it took me a long time to start to get over him, because when I really form a bond like that with someone, it's very difficult for me to break from it.

On the other hand, I was very resistant to "settling down" at a young age, it took me til about my mid-twenties to be more "settled" in terms of romance, and I tend to find a lot of my intense new experiences via a kind of personal freedom I must have to experience and create, that doesn't mean that it's necessary to go from relationship to relationship.

 

[brainheart]

This doesn't mean that sx doms aren't faithful...I was in a relationship for six years and only left it because of severe dysfunction and unwillingness of my partner to seek therapy, and the most recent person I truly had feelings for, it took me a long time to start to get over him, because when I really form a bond like that with someone, it's very difficult for me to break from it.

On the other hand, I was very resistant to "settling down" at a young age, it took me til about my mid-twenties to be more "settled" in terms of romance, and I tend to find a lot of my intense new experiences via a kind of personal freedom I must have to experience and create, that doesn't mean that it's necessary to go from relationship to relationship.

Yeah, I'm the same way. I think this might be an indication that I'm sx/so vs sx/sp, because I do get my reliability from my bonds with people. As I've read, marriage tends to be a social bond so this makes sense to me. I am way more inconstant when it comes to my personal passions than I am with my romantic relationships (or friendships). In other words, I think sx/sps tend to have more difficulty with long term romantic relationships but they stay more faithful to their personal passions while I think for sx/sos it's the opposite. Just a theory I have.

 

[Thalassa]

Yeah, I'm the same way. I think this might be an indication that I'm sx/so vs sx/sp, because I do get my reliability from my bonds with people. As I've read, marriage tends to be a social bond so this makes sense to me. I am way more inconstant when it comes to my personal passions than I am with my romantic relationships (or friendships). In other words, I think sx/sps tend to have more difficulty with long term romantic relationships but they stay more faithful to their personal passions while I think for sx/sos it's the opposite. Just a theory I have.

Yes, the opposite makes sense for me. Today I'm going to be a great baker, tomorrow I have an idea for a novel, maybe I should go back to school and get a Masters in history, wouldn't it be nice if I could just win the lottery and restore old historic buildings? LOLOLOLOL.

But when I fall in love,it's almost obsessively so. I say "almost" because I still need a considerable amount of personal freedom and privacy, but I am very sure of who I love. That's never been a question for me.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I agree. Sx-doms can be very fickle about everything- love interests, career, interests. The difference between sx and sp makes me think of the tortoise and the hare- the self pres type will, like the tortoise, want to be more slow and steady to sustain and finish while the sexual will sprint in the beginning excitement, get bored or tired, do something else and thereby not complete the race.

As an sp/sx, I don't really have that desire. It's more that I know my own fickleness & I possibly don't romanticize it so much as an sx-dom. I'm not sure I'm as drawn to the excitement of its destructiveness. I think I relegate to areas I (think I) can control more easily, probably why sp-dom 4 are indulgent in sensory things (ie. luxury), less so in highs from people.

As a result, I am very hesitant to commit & begin anything at all. Instead of taking the dive on all my ideas & then abandoning them out of boredom not long later, I just sort of delay a decision. I'm very far from slow & steady... I'm more like consider something for awhile & if the idea doesn't wear off, then feverishly attack it. The desire for pacing is less like "slow & steady" than stopping to take a break & goof off elsewhere so as not to burn out before finishing; being sp-dom 4 can mean you're really good at giving yourself permission to indulge (something so-dom may not be so good with).

I have a real slacker/workaholic (not with with my actual job) style in life. Sometimes the cure for this is sticking my fingers in lots of pies. I'll probably never master anything because of this, but I'm pretty good at faking it, so maybe that's okay .

I think when they do you will see someone like Van Gogh, feverishly putting their all into their passion.

Of course they are capable of longevity.... and I think pace does benefit them (but pretty sure Van Gogh is an sp-dom 4 :X ). For an sp-dom, you have to throw caution to the wind more, in regards to people mostly, letting them have some hand in your fate. Just as so-dom have to not be so concerned with how they measure up so they're less inhibited in whatever ways they inhibit themselves. More sx helps us out there.

 

[brainheart]

As an sp/sx, I don't really have that desire. It's more that I know my own fickleness & I possibly don't romanticize it so much as an sx-dom[/B]. I'm not sure I'm as drawn to the excitement of its destructiveness. I think I relegate to areas I (think I) can control more easily, probably why sp-dom 4 are indulgent in sensory things (ie. luxury), less so in highs from people. As a result, I am very hesitant to commit & begin anything at all. Instead of taking the dive on all my ideas & then abandoning them out of boredom not long later, I just sort of delay a decision. I'm very far from slow & steady... I'm more like consider something for awhile & if the idea doesn't wear off, then feverishly attack it. The desire for pacing is less like "slow & steady" than stopping to take a break & goof off elsewhere so as not to burn out before finishing;

Yes, I can see that. That makes sense. I think it's likely to sx-doms though that sp-doms appear slow and steady in comparison, due to the hesitancy and consideration. If I want to do something I dive in first, then consider.

being sp-dom 4 can mean you're really good at giving yourself permission to indulge (something so-dom may not be so good with).

That's probably true. I think social dom fours feel a lot of guilt about not living up to their ideal. I don't think this makes them necessarily accomplish more, though. I think they are just more likely to wallow in their guilt and shame (hence the whining description) while not accomplishing.

I have a real slacker/workaholic (not with with my actual job) style in life. Sometimes the cure for this is sticking my fingers in lots of pies. I'll probably never master anything because of this, but I'm pretty good at faking it, so maybe that's okay .

I'm curious, how are you with your actual job? If you are more of a consistent worker in it, why? What's the motivation?

Of course they are capable of longevity.... and I think pace does benefit them (but pretty sure Van Gogh is an sp-dom 4 :X ).

I'm inclined to think Van Gogh is a sp-dom, too, so that was a bad example. I wasn't trying to say he was a sexual dom so I don't know why I said that. I just meant sexual doms could end up being like that. What would be a better example.... all I can think of is Rimbaud, writing tons and then just stopping writing and moving to Africa to become a businessman. Probably not the best example but that's just what pops in my head, so I'm running with it.

and I think pace does benefit them (sx doms)... For an sp-dom, you have to throw caution to the wind more, in regards to people mostly, letting them have some hand in your fate. Just as so-dom have to not be so concerned with how they measure up so they're less inhibited in whatever ways they inhibit themselves. More sx helps us out there.

An excellent way to put it.

 

[pinkgraffiti]

i honestly don't see a problem in this, much the opposite (but then again, maybe it's not strictly related to being sx-dom but more to mbti or even enneagram...you never know where one stops and the other begins).

anyway, no generally i'm pretty good with sp-doms precisely because i'm sx-dom. in the sense that, normally i make those (generally introverted) sp-dom types feel like they are "special" (the sx-dom, obviously) and different from the rest of the world. so i zone in, give them the attention, listen to them, to their needs, etc. ....and, since i really like the challenge, i'm usually patient and wait for them to open up. it's really an activity that i love, how to "seduce" people....to slowly, slowly see how my strategies have an impact.

normally, what happens next is that that sp-dom person starts to open up and thinks that i'm the only one that understands them and i start feeling secluded and tied down. so i try to see other friends etc. so basically the problem is not how to make friends with them without scaring them away, it's rather how to maintain a balance between attaining that friendship and them wanting you exclusively.

well, sorry for the ramble, but that's my experience anyways.

PS: oh, also, let me say: one thing is friendship, another completely different thing is a relationship.... I can totally be friends with an Sp-dom, because i can be patient and understand their need of space, etc...i mean, i don't care, because i can see other friends, right? in a relationship it's more difficult, and i am speaking from experience because i'm in one with an sp-dom and i did encounter some difficulty in the beginning. in a relationship, an sx-dom will want to "merge" with another being while an sp-dom might be afraid of letting go and losing their identity...and of course then you really can't fall back on another person, because (most) relationships are exclusive, right?
But again, if we are talking about friendship, i seriously don't see how this can be a problem. for example, i think it would be more difficult for me to be friends with an So-dom person than with an Sp.

 

[RoadPaveMent]

What I've found with sx-doms I've known in my life (not true of all sx-doms) is they wear their hearts on their sleeves. Even truer for the Se-dom sx-doms I've known. I don't like to hang around people who are in a bad mood and I prefer people who shove it in a bottle when interacting with others. I also don't like talking about deep or personal things because I fear the other person is judging the hell out of me and how knowledgeable I really am or how much I am really 'allowed' to complain.

I don't expect people to change their personality just to interact with me, though, so I try to limit my interaction with them. The exception is one ESFP sx/so who still wants to be friends with me even though I told her about my 'accommodations' (others just ended the friendship). I have to actively tell her to stop talking about certain subjects sometimes, though, and assertiveness is something I have yet to master.

The descriptions of ESTPs and SLEs say that they don't wear their hearts on their sleeves but nothing is further from the truth for one that I knew (also sx-dom). She honestly believed she didn't express her emotions readily because of those descriptions.

 

[RoadPaveMent]

On the other hand, I was very resistant to "settling down" at a young age, it took me til about my mid-twenties to be more "settled" in terms of romance, and I tend to find a lot of my intense new experiences via a kind of personal freedom I must have to experience and create, that doesn't mean that it's necessary to go from relationship to relationship.

I'm that way, too. Add that to the fact I'm polyamorous and basically I'm a dating whore. That is, if I could find any poly people to date.

 

[RoadPaveMent]

anyway, no generally i'm pretty good with sp-doms precisely because i'm sx-dom. in the sense that, normally i make those (generally introverted) sp-dom types feel like they are "special" (the sx-dom, obviously) and different from the rest of the world. so i zone in, give them the attention, listen to them, to their needs, etc. ....and, since i really like the challenge, i'm usually patient and wait for them to open up. it's really an activity that i love, how to "seduce" people....to slowly, slowly see how my strategies have an impact.

Despite the difficulties I said I have with sx doms IRL, I do relate to this.