Multiple Enneagram Subtypes/Instincts How can an sx make friends with an sp without scaring them away

[JAVO]

Given the sx more risk-naive desire to connect with others tends to conflict somewhat with the sp focus on safety, security and trust, what behaviors and statements would be a positive step toward building a friendship with an sp?

What behaviors and statements should be avoided or very carefully considered?

Any real life examples of what worked and what didn't?


I'm sx/sp. For me, that generally means I'm essentially sp until I find someone I want to connect with, at which point sp takes a very small cautionary role. Because of this, it's hard to understand the sp perspective of maintaining the defensive walls and never initiating any interaction even after clear liking and trust have developed. In general, once enough understanding and trust have developed, I've found it useful to describe myself as a person who focuses on connecting with others on a deeper level than just superficial interaction. But, if that's done too early or expressed too intensely or extremely, it understandably scares the sp away. It might scare away an so too, as only another sx would likely understand such intensity.

 

[011235813]

Don't focus on the connection. Focus on connecting.

 

[OrangeAppled]

You're describing sx last more than sp-dom, IMO.

I don't necessarily focus on safety, security & trust. I don't necessarily scare easily.... I often just don't care that much. Keeping it on the "surface" is a way to keep me not caring. If I do scare, then it's because I may feel that someone is asking something of me I don't feel able to give. I honestly feel like this is more about introversion and perhaps my core type of 4w5. If I'm not in the mood, then I'm not in the mood. Trying to pull me out of my shell either makes me retreat more stubbornly or I feel stupid for not being able to reciprocate adequately.

I like intensity.... I suppose for me, knowing I can be intense with someone, that they're okay with it, is what makes me feel safe to open up. Perhaps an sx-dom expects/wants something quicker, but time & patience may be all that is needed to give an sp-dom time to warm up.

I'm not sure what type this is... but the kind who is more of a performer and seeks to draw/repel people that way (so/sx? IDK, I think my exes were this type though) is the type who will likely not connect with me. I may certainly notice them & have a strong reaction to them like anyone else, but I'm not going to initiate anything. I'm much more of a one-on-one type...and I'm not going to come to you.

This is going to vary a lot with each enneatype though... the instincts can manifest very differently between them.

 

[Coriolis]

I like intensity.... I suppose for me, knowing I can be intense with someone, that they're okay with it, is what makes me feel safe to open up. Perhaps an sx-dom expects/wants something quicker, but time & patience may be all that is needed to give an sp-dom time to warm up.

I agree with this. My relationships tend to be almost all or nothing, with the result that I have very few of them, but they are incredibly satisfying.

 

[cascadeco]

I agree with this. My relationships tend to be almost all or nothing, with the result that I have very few of them, but they are incredibly satisfying.

This fits me too; I don't really do acquaintances or activity-relationships, and have more than once used the 'all or nothing' phrase.

 

[1487610420]

Given the sx more risk-naive desire to connect with others tends to conflict somewhat with the sp focus on safety, security and trust, what behaviors and statements would be a positive step toward building a friendship with an sp?

What behaviors and statements should be avoided or very carefully considered?

Any real life examples of what worked and what didn't?


I'm sx/sp. For me, that generally means I'm essentially sp until I find someone I want to connect with, at which point sp takes a very small cautionary role. Because of this, it's hard to understand the sp perspective of maintaining the defensive walls and never initiating any interaction even after clear liking and trust have developed. In general, once enough understanding and trust have developed, I've found it useful to describe myself as a person who focuses on connecting with others on a deeper level than just superficial interaction. But, if that's done too early or expressed too intensely or extremely, it understandably scares the sp away. It might scare away an so too, as only another sx would likely understand such intensity.

I relate to this. More often than not, it feels like we've talked about it, established trust and bonded [or so I think/desire], but I'm at the starting line alone while they're still doing some obscure secret preparation/in doubt/wary/guarded.

 

[Glycerine]

I am sp/so. I used to think I was sx but considering how much I connect to people and then l just let relationships die, I am most likely not... my problem has been being a fairly socially extroverted sp/so.

I guess one thing that seems to scare me is LONG walls of texts trying to get to know me because then I feel obligated to write long walls of texts back to the person containing a lot of information. It might just be my personal quirk though.

Saying that, it's rarely anything personal. To be honest, I consider it a problem more on my end so just be yourself.

 

[violet_crown]

Tbh, I've had more trouble connecting with So-doms than Sp-doms. Perhaps it's because I'm an Sp-second myself, but Sp-doms give me a very natural sense of emotional containment and security. It might have something to do with the fact that they have a very definite sense of boundaries, which allows me to always know where I stand with them, and how far I can push without pissing them off.

My best friend of many years is sp/so. Developing a relationship with him took a lot of patience and time. It might be best to think of the sx and sp connection as kind of a dance. You advance until you sense resistance, then you step back and give them space to regroup. Rinse, wash and repeat until you've been absorbed as one of their's or they tell you to go fuck yourself. Once an Sp claims you, though, you pretty much belong to them for the duration, so look out for that.

 

[EcK]

deception followed by artful backstabbing will do just fine with any instinctual stacking

 

[brainheart]

I relate to scaring people away very much, [MENTION=71]JAVO[/MENTION]. In my experience, I can be friends with self pres types, I just can't expect as much interaction from them. What tends to happen is I get really excited and forceful with my attention, they back off, I get disappointed and disillusioned, my heart gets broken a little, I start to hate them a bit, I come to peace with it, and we end up having a situation where we see each other every once in awhile. We can really connect when we are together, but I realize those moments will be few and far between.

I am an introverted 4w5 and I like having time alone, too, it's just when I'm excited about something or someone I feel like I switch into something which can seem pretty extroverted and on fire. There's a lot of off/on- either I am in blazes or I am a pile of ashes or I am a stack of wood waiting to be lit. I think self pres types prefer being around me when I'm the more sedate version of my self, which is not how I am at the beginning when I'm excited about the energy I derive from a person I like.

I agree with [MENTION=6561]OrangeAppled[/MENTION] that you need to exercise some patience, which I know can be difficult to do when you're excited about a person. But you really do have to wait for self pres types to open up. You can't vomit all over them on first meeting and expect them to do the same.

 

[cascadeco]

^It's interesting, some of my best dates/first meetings have been with people where they HAVE vomited, and then I can feed off of that and I can be immediately more open about myself, etc. I've always called that 'great chemistry' for lack of a better word, and admittedly I am kind of biased in using that initial closeness as a gauge of possibility. It makes me wonder if in one dating situation years ago where we had that instantaneous glimmer and talking for hours, and the rush/excitement of that, and the following 2-3 weeks being just as close, and then him freaking out suddenly and backing away and my subsequent petrification and hurt and confusion, was something to do with sx/sp sp/sx in action. Perhaps one of the negatives of it? Dunno. I'm still rather haunted by that, and ever since then have been really leery of using the chemistry as a gauge, even though I can't help myself and I DO get excited about those interactions where I really feel it's meaningful and there's a dual openness and....eagerness? Happens rarely though.

 

[1487610420]

^It's interesting, some of my best dates/first meetings have been with people where they HAVE vomited, and then I can feed off of that.

Hawt.

 

[cascadeco]

Hawt.

Uggh... you are incurable.

 

[1487610420]

Uggh... you are incurable.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CXrBkil7YoM&desktop_uri=/watch?v=CXrBkil7YoM

 

[King sns]

I was summoned to this thread but didn't want to respond at first based on obviousness...

Don't be too needy and relax and give it a longer period of time and things are fine.

 

[Nicki]

Try to avoid coming off too strong.

 

[OrangeAppled]

^It's interesting, some of my best dates/first meetings have been with people where they HAVE vomited, and then I can feed off of that and I can be immediately more open about myself, etc. I've always called that 'great chemistry' for lack of a better word, and admittedly I am kind of biased in using that initial closeness as a gauge of possibility. It makes me wonder if in one dating situation years ago where we had that instantaneous glimmer and talking for hours, and the rush/excitement of that, and the following 2-3 weeks being just as close, and then him freaking out suddenly and backing away and my subsequent petrification and hurt and confusion, was something to do with sx/sp sp/sx in action. Perhaps one of the negatives of it? Dunno. I'm still rather haunted by that, and ever since then have been really leery of using the chemistry as a gauge, even though I can't help myself and I DO get excited about those interactions where I really feel it's meaningful and there's a dual openness and....eagerness? Happens rarely though.

Yes, if you're an sp/sx, the attraction/repulsion factor is there (more responsive than initiating), which means intensity from someone else can be either magnetizing or annoying, and you may not feel the need to push past annoyances to build bridges (SO blind spot). People have certainly grown on me, but I chalk a lot up to just cliquing or not. I think on the outside it can seem like I'm slowly warming up, but I've kind of already internally responded. I'm reminded of a description of sp/sx types which says others can be surprised at how quickly & deeply we can lock into people, that we attach at a root level. I think it's like a plant growing - there's a time where it's all underground & people are unaware it exists.

So an sx-dom is best to just let nature take place; you will attract or repel the sp-dom as you do with any other type, and just accept some will not be attracted to you. An sp/so type is probably more likely to be overwhelmed, but may also put up with stuff for the sake of some kind of group harmony (just a loose guess).

The thing with sp/sx, or at least in my case, is we tend to want to sustain something. There's a desire for pacing so as not to have that burnout described above. I think that's where the stability/security factor comes in, but being sx second you want to sustain a level of intensity. I think the main way we do that is with space - periods of solitude, physical areas which belong to us, private interests we cultivate independently, and generally not being swallowed up so that the excitement dies out from not having anything new to consistently bring in.

 

[Coriolis]

It makes me wonder if in one dating situation years ago where we had that instantaneous glimmer and talking for hours, and the rush/excitement of that, and the following 2-3 weeks being just as close, and then him freaking out suddenly and backing away and my subsequent petrification and hurt and confusion, was something to do with sx/sp sp/sx in action. Perhaps one of the negatives of it?

I would think the sp/sx would be more likely to pull away if things got too close too fast, but you list yourself as sp/sx, which suggests he was the sx/sp.

OrangeApplied's comments about sp/sx wanting to sustain the intensity makes sense to me, as do the approaches - time apart, independent interests, etc.

 

[cascadeco]

I would think the sp/sx would be more likely to pull away if things got too close too fast, but you list yourself as sp/sx, which suggests he was the sx/sp.

OrangeApplied's comments about sp/sx wanting to sustain the intensity makes sense to me, as do the approaches - time apart, independent interests, etc.

I do not know for certain what his type was. It's highly possible he was an sp/sx as well, I was just throwing out the sx/sp sp/sx combo, musing whether some form of the combo - whether sx/sp + sx/sp, sx/sp+ sp/sx, sp/sx + sp/sx can run into similar intensity issues. I suppose it's possible I could be sx-dom, but to be honest I've never seriously considered it, because, well, I just haven't. Didn't think it made a huge amount of sense for me, given a number of other things. But, who knows.

What OrangeAppled said about being more responsive, vs. more initiating rang true for me, though, in that I think I'm more on the responding end vs. the initiating end. I think though for me, there's an element of mutuality sometimes, such that one person opens a door, the other shares/opens as a result of that, and it continues, such that there's a mutual back-and-forth. I think this can happen with two sp/sx's, too, such that it might be hard to determine who truly initiated something. I know for myself, while I don't immediately initiate and am very cautious in who I open up to, if I pick up on more subtle indications of connectivity earlier on, I may feel more open to share as well, so it seems to build upon itself.

 

[Vasilisa]

*Moved some off topic posts out of this thread.*