I know this isn’t likely to win me any points, but I really do think sx primaries – in general – are probably likely to seek out sex with more frequency than other stackings – in general (followed - in general - by sx secondaries). Of course exceptions will abound. But I'm speaking generally.
1. Sex is a lot of things, but one of the things sex is, is a way of connecting with another person one-on-one, and that is a preoccupation of sx primaries.
2. Sx primaries are usually seeking high levels of intensity and stimulation, and the literature says they are prone to using sex for this.
Saying this does not mean:
1. That other stackings value sex less.
2. That other stackings have “low” sex drives.
3. That other stackings aren’t sensual.
4. That other stackings aren’t musical (figured I’d throw that in, due to being like wtf?)
Well, thinking more on it, even though sex drive isn't a problem for me (maybe TMI), it's true that I have an uneasy, conflicting relationship with the intimate aspects of sex/sexual activities. "Want it but don't want it," or maybe "Want it until I'm face-to-face with it," typical reaction I have to intimacy in other parts of my life. However, I see your point that if you're less open to intimacy, you might seek sex less. Then again, maybe it's not even that, it just means the two types are seeing sex differently. But PeaceBaby's experiences don't bear that out...Hmm.
Nope! People is people, man, and we deal accordingly. I had to learn the value of one-on-one intimacy, and we both had to maintain our patience as we figured one another out.
I'm glad you guys are able to work with it so well! I imagine that you balance either other out nicely.
I asked mainly because I have a friend who had a relationship this summer that I think crashed and burned quite badly mainly because of connection issues that can be illustrated through variant stacking. She is quite So/Sp, and he was definitely Sx-dom from what I could tell. She expresses strong resistance to intimacy - even after being very close friends for 6 years, I still have to prompt her or she will not share the quiet details. As for she and him, they met casually, dated casually, and slept together casually before he finished whatever he was involved in and moved back to his home state. I suspect she figured it would wane from there, while he figured that distance was just an obstacle to overcome. So at some point he decided to travel around 1,200 miles to visit her for a week, and figured she would take off work to be with him. When she didn't, he was upset, and she, of course, increasingly pulled away as he increasingly applied more intimacy far too quickly for her comfort level. She tolerated him for the duration of the visit, diplomatic Fe-dom that she is (plus there was good sex, at least), then broke it off.
Now, given, she and I are close, and I'm Sx/So to her So/Sp, and I think that middle ground of So makes it easy, because that's where we tend to stay. I'll push Sx sometimes, and she'll retreat Sp, but for the most part it's smooth So sailing - both looking out at the world together, rather than looking at the quality of the connection with the other (Sx) or at both of your stability and wellbeing (Sp). I think that part of being Sx is that your partner's qualities have a huge impact on your life, since you spend a lot of time cultivating that connection - so it's interesting for me to watch how she as an Sx-last navigates relationships, because I think she does less "melding", less seeking connection, and more "including", or creating camaraderie, in her relationships... while I think my Sp-dom "provides" as a way of altering his life to create a desirable relationship. So the relationships take on different qualities. It's interesting to see how those differences play out.
If anyone has anything to say on how relationships with Sx-lasts may tend to be unique, I would be curious.
Of course, maybe there is little difference in some relationships, but I feel like for my friend, being Sx-last mostly means that intimacy in her relationships is going to need to be developed slowly and carefully - which is at least very different from my own relationship needs, as I would have a very hard time considering a launching relationship without a depth of intimacy first. Where our variants could easily overlap (as in, how So/Sp and Sx/So could easily build a relationship), I think, is if we had a long duration of friendship and trust first, which allowed intimacy to grow over time (but I imagine for an Sx-dom that would mean a whole lot of unrequited crushing for a long time!) She's recently been tracked down by a new suitor, and she's already put the brakes on. However, they have a fair amount of history together, and he's expressed being willing to let her pace the relationship, so I think that prognosis is looking a lot better than the summer already.
I wanted to add how much I agree with this statement. I try to be understanding that others have different mindsets, but I can't help but experience it as selfishness when people feel everyone else around them should accept their confrontational behavior and/or brooding.
What really gets me is when people not only think that I should stick around and tolerate their confrontational behavior and brooding...but when they think I have some real audacity for requesting personal space and respect for my boundaries.
Apparently I'm supposed to not only accept, but appreciate invasive behavior.
Maybe I'm completely wrong about my instincts, but so far I agree with nothing anyone has said.
Originally Posted by Thunderbringer
As a sp/so, I like to be around people but I don't necessarily like interacting with them. Going to movies and concerts or taking a ride in a bus are all very enjoyable things for me because I get to be around others and hear their conversations and see how they act, but I get to be by myself and not have to talk to them or do anything for them.
Except this. I understand this. I had always figured it was an introverted thing. I prefer one to one interactions and am most talkative in these types of settings. But sometimes I want to just be around someone, without the exhausting talking part.
Originally Posted by Speed Gavroche
It's like having a low libido and read at bed next to Pamela Anderson, drinking tea. You look like you are gay while you are not.
I certainly don't have a low libido.
Originally Posted by EJCC
I like Southern Kross' response. With exceptions being that I'm not inoffensively neutral, and I'm totally fine with being probed and grilled... keeping in mind that I'm very good at detaching myself from answers to probing questions, and by that I mean that I can be very matter-of-fact about (some of) my emotions and talk about them from an outsider's perspective. (I have an ENFP friend who is the same way.) I can have great, intense conversations with Sx-doms as long as they don't expect me to "open up" and talk about my insecurities. I can hear about their insecurities and be fine as long as I remain detached.
Regarding Owfin's response to Southern Kross' post: I also don't define myself as being all that detached, but friends of mine have told me that I'm not nearly as emotionally open as I feel like I am. I think it's because, on a scale from detachment to openness, the line where I start to feel uncomfortable and self-conscious is much closer to detachment than the average line... if that makes sense.
I think I agree with this? When I have very intimate/intense one-on-one interactions with someone, in which both of us feel and express that intensity (as opposed to intense interactions where one of us is intense and the other tries to respond rationally/reasonably/detached-ly), I also feel sad, as well as exhausted, because I'm so bad at having those conversations that my level of discomfort borders on traumatic.
I prefer to have real conversations, one on one, than to have shallow conversations in a group. Group settings can make me uneasy.
Originally Posted by Southern Kross
Oh, I'm an animated person too; I didn't mean to say that I'm not interesting at all (that is, I think I'm interesting anyway ). I meant more that I don't tend to inspire strong feelings in others; neither positive or negative. People don't particularly hate me nor love me to bits. I seem to lack the je ne sais quois that people typically look for. I never feel like others are really keen to have me around; mostly they just don't mind me being there and for this reason I'm often overlooked.
I can relate to this. Maybe it's my insecurity talking, but I tend to feel as though I don't inspire strong feelings in others, unless the observer is able to see beneath the surface.
Originally Posted by Speed Gavroche
It's having issues with being out of touch with your sensuality.
You know that someone is Sx-last when you have a hard time to imagine them having sex and see this as a concrete and serious option, when you imagine them having sex it's looks weird and even laughable because it seems completely out of context with theses people.
Intensity and intimacy are treated like a bibelot in a cupboard, somethink wich is separated from your body, that you don't feel the energy deeply implanted in your guts, from this perserpective it seems like an ornament, really marvelous at times, but looks artificial and unnecessary at first.
IDK about this. I don't feel like I'm the type of person someone looks at and thinks, "Wow, this person needs a good f*** to set her straight." Unless I actually have been without sex for a long time and become wound up. I feel like I walk the line between beauty/sexy and modesty. I'm also flirtatious.
Originally Posted by Time
I would often feel a slight lingering sense of sorrow upon another individual initiating a private conversation with me on a personal level.
Not at all. I tend to always think well of others, even when I see the faults. And I love getting to know others beneath the surface level.
Originally Posted by Southern Kross
I suppose once you get behind my friendly, easy-going, agreeable facade, I seem detached and not all that warm. I'm not good at being probed or grilled and will give a shallow answer to avoid a question if I feel uncomfortable. I dislike when people fail to restrain their emotions in public or generally cannot/will not attempt adapt/edit extreme behaviour to suit the situation. I like the idea of intimacy but mostly I feel rather awkward about giving and receiving it. I'm not good with affection or letting people know that I care and struggle to connect with others with real depth. I feel deeply and passionately but do not show any signs of this externally. I suppose I seem calm, even-tempered,and laid-back. There is an inoffensive neutrality about me that perhaps can make me seem dull or bland. I am not the sort of person that people find charismatic or compelling to listen to.
I like intimacy. I'm just more private about it. And even with strangers, I can be incredibly candid, charming and open about myself. Albeit bashful, self deprecating, and awkward. I feel like I constantly teeter between holding in and exploding out when with others.
"I don't know a perfect person.
I only know flawed people who are still worth loving."