When I walk into a social setting, I'm thinking about food & a comfortable spot to hang back & just observe. I like to make sure I can be in control of these things. It's funny because at home I'll forget to eat, but I think it's because I know it's there if I want it. I'll think about other people's comforts too though. This becomes like a noise which drowns out the dynamics of people interacting around me.
When I am stuck in the middle of a group, I am uncomfortable and unused to being so involved. It's the most foreign thing to me to see a group interact; the inner workings of it are lost on me. Even online, when threads become this cutesy banter fest between many people, I don't get it. I could never join in. When I interact with people, it can seem like I am singling them out and going at them too intensely. I probably am doing that.... I'm either detached or too heavy, never casual and light enough. Whenever I realize I am out of the loop on something (which is often), it surprises me because I usually didn't even realize there was a loop.
Back to the social setting, my next thought (or sometimes my first) may be, "Am I being noted as intriguing, and is any individual intriguing to me?". I look for individuals & one-on-one connections. I'll find myself drawn to one person and will hyper-aware of them & only them. Sometimes, I think I am so aware of them they must feel it, like the air has changed. Yet, I am oblivious to all others and imagine they are oblivious to me. Sometimes, I think I might seem clingy because I zero in on the same individual people socially. I fail massively at networking, but then I don't even try.
When I talk to people, it's either very indifferent or intense. I have a hard time finding that socially smooth middle ground. I make horrible first impressions. More people notice me and remember me than I'd ever dream of; I imagine myself invisible. But then, I like to dress a bit funky, and I think a part of me is preening to draw interesting people to me. There's no social status aspect, and I can fail to be appropriate at times too.
So the primary focus is my personal comfort and independence, then making those intense, one-on-one connections with individuals, and usually at the expense of smooth social skills and awareness of what is regular interaction.
