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View Poll Results: What's your instinctual stacking & social interaction tendency?

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  • so/sp - I have a clique

    2 1.92%
  • so/sp - I have a few, individual, very close friendships

    7 6.73%
  • so/sp - I am mostly a loner

    4 3.85%
  • so/sx - I have a clique

    4 3.85%
  • so/sx - I have a few, individual, very close friendships

    2 1.92%
  • so/sx - I am mostly a loner

    5 4.81%
  • sp/so - I have a clique

    2 1.92%
  • sp/so - I have a few, individual, very close friendships

    3 2.88%
  • sp/sp - I am mostly a loner

    8 7.69%
  • sp/sx - I have a clique

    0 0%
  • sp/sx - I have a few, individual, very close friendships

    15 14.42%
  • sp/sx - I am mostly a loner

    8 7.69%
  • sx/so - I have a clique

    4 3.85%
  • sx/so - I have a few, individual, very close friendships

    7 6.73%
  • sx/so - I am mostly a loner

    6 5.77%
  • sx/sp - I have a clique

    4 3.85%
  • sx/sp - I have a few, individual, very close friendships

    13 12.50%
  • sx/sp - I am mostly a loner

    10 9.62%
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  1. #51
    I could do things Hard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Urarienev View Post
    ^ Wow, you have done it again, shocked me into interest!


    I like learning this type of stuff about other people. It helps me understand where they're coming from. Even though I cannot relate. Like...at all. lol

    I didn't really notice this about myself until a year ago (it's actually rather frustrating too). I'll try and explain:

    Essentially, in one on one situation, each person is focused on the other. At all times more or less. The minimum is they are sort of aware of what they are doing at any given moment. In one on one situations, I feel really pressured to be "on" the entire time. Keep the conversation flowing, making sure I say/do the right thing, making sure they don't seem uncomfortable. Because they are focused on me, I can't drift away, focus on something else, or become inattentive. It's like I am under the microscope and I can't make any mistake. Granted, I have some friends where we can just be in each others presence and be ok, but it takes me a very, very long time (years) before I get to that point. Further, the vast majority of the people I meet I will never get to that point with.

    In a group setting, I don't need to be "on" all the time. There are other people around to hold the torch. I can go from speaking and communcating, to sitting and observing. I don't need to worry about my apperance much anymore, and I can easily flit from one person to another if they conversation "dies" and begins to appear out of place. There's more going on and way more material to work with. If I tire, I can take out my phone, or stare off into space, and just not do anything. Everyone else will be able to carry on just fine, and I can jump back into it when I am ready. The entire dynamic feels far less confining. Additionally, I rather like having an "audience". Partly because it's just more fun, and partly because it allows me to be louder, more "dramatic", and informative to everyone. In a one on one situation this would just come across as really weird and forceful (and generally just not socially acceptable) so I can be more of my "natural" self with more people around as the situation allows makes it implicitly more acceptable. Thus I feel far less constrained in my behavior. I could act like this in a one on one setting, but that requires profound comfort with that person to come out of my shell completely like that. There is really only 1 person (technically 2) that I feel that comfortable with.

    This is sort of a problem though. It's not easy to form groups like this. It takes a lot of time, a lot of effort, and a lot of luck too. Everyones got to have a good level of comfort with each other. Not super high, but enough. You also can't easily "call up" an entire group as you could with an individual person. So very often I feel this level of social starvation because one on one is not often fulfilling to me. If anything it makes me feel worse, because the entire time I felt strained. Though with close friends it doesn't happen as much. Even then I prefer more people with close friends. I can pull them away for some one on one time in groups anyway. Having other people around adds comfort too because again, they can be bounced off, it soothes the social atmnosphere. It's also hard because socially I am very picky. If one person is in the group that I don't want there it can stink up the whole place for me.

    This is a big reason why I feel a persistent loneleness because I just can't get comfortable completely one on one. I want to so so so so bad but I don't know how to do it right. I love group settings, they are very fullfilling, but at my core what I really want is a 1 on 1 bond.

    Does that make sense? I've never written this out before, and having done so it actually appears weird even to *me* to realize I am this way lol.
    MBTI: ExxJ tetramer
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    Enneagram: 1w2 - 3w4 - 6w5 (The Taskmaster) | sp/so
    Socionics: β-E dimer | -
    Big 5: slOaI
    Temperament: Choleric/Melancholic
    Alignment: Lawful Neutral
    External Perception: Nohari and Johari


  2. #52
    Unapologetic being Evolving Transparency's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hard View Post
    I didn't really notice this about myself until a year ago (it's actually rather frustrating too). I'll try and explain:

    Essentially, in one on one situation, each person is focused on the other. At all times more or less. The minimum is they are sort of aware of what they are doing at any given moment. In one on one situations, I feel really pressured to be "on" the entire time. Keep the conversation flowing, making sure I say/do the right thing, making sure they don't seem uncomfortable. Because they are focused on me, I can't drift away, focus on something else, or become inattentive. It's like I am under the microscope and I can't make any mistake. Granted, I have some friends where we can just be in each others presence and be ok, but it takes me a very, very long time (years) before I get to that point. Further, the vast majority of the people I meet I will never get to that point with.

    In a group setting, I don't need to be "on" all the time. There are other people around to hold the torch. I can go from speaking and communcating, to sitting and observing. I don't need to worry about my apperance much anymore, and I can easily flit from one person to another if they conversation "dies" and begins to appear out of place. There's more going on and way more material to work with. If I tire, I can take out my phone, or stare off into space, and just not do anything. Everyone else will be able to carry on just fine, and I can jump back into it when I am ready. The entire dynamic feels far less confining. Additionally, I rather like having an "audience". Partly because it's just more fun, and partly because it allows me to be louder, more "dramatic", and informative to everyone. In a one on one situation this would just come across as really weird and forceful (and generally just not socially acceptable) so I can be more of my "natural" self with more people around as the situation allows makes it implicitly more acceptable. Thus I feel far less constrained in my behavior. I could act like this in a one on one setting, but that requires profound comfort with that person to come out of my shell completely like that. There is really only 1 person (technically 2) that I feel that comfortable with.

    This is sort of a problem though. It's not easy to form groups like this. It takes a lot of time, a lot of effort, and a lot of luck too. Everyones got to have a good level of comfort with each other. Not super high, but enough. You also can't easily "call up" an entire group as you could with an individual person. So very often I feel this level of social starvation because one on one is not often fulfilling to me. If anything it makes me feel worse, because the entire time I felt strained. Though with close friends it doesn't happen as much. Even then I prefer more people with close friends. I can pull them away for some one on one time in groups anyway. Having other people around adds comfort too because again, they can be bounced off, it soothes the social atmnosphere. It's also hard because socially I am very picky. If one person is in the group that I don't want there it can stink up the whole place for me.

    This is a big reason why I feel a persistent loneleness because I just can't get comfortable completely one on one. I want to so so so so bad but I don't know how to do it right. I love group settings, they are very fullfilling, but at my core what I really want is a 1 on 1 bond.

    Does that make sense? I've never written this out before, and having done so it actually appears weird even to *me* to realize I am this way lol.



    It makes sense. Most def.

    I'm super happy that you shared this btws!


    But it's just funny. Cause I feel the same way about social settings that you do about 1 on 1's.

    I feel like I'm "on" in a group setting.

    Which I don't mind having an audience or anything....but I can only handle like an hour or two of that. Then I'm like frantic to get a one on one fix in lol.

    I don't feel comfortable in group settings cause I am concerned about how I appear cause there's (1) more people (2) that know me less, (3) just standing around judging me.



    Now I do know what you mean though...by being your natural self. I am very loud and I like to be that way. It gives me so much energy to be lively with people....

    And I think it can be hard to be able to be loud with some people in 1 on 1 settings.....


    I dunno...I kinda get people going though. If someone has Te...even inferior Te...I can get them going...and then it spirals into this lovely loud fest!

    I don't however see how it's possible with a larger group. If the amount is over 4 people and we aren't all as close as I'd like, I find it hard to keep the convo going. Often people will leave that up to me...and in social settings I don't like to be responsible for small talk and stuff.

    And I relate in the opposite way. I would love to have a big ol' gathering, where we are all getting along with out a hitch. I long for acceptance in a group.

    And I already get that in one on ones.

    Funny how we are alike in the concept, but the specifics are opposite.
    "Once the game is over, the Pawn and the King go back into the same box"

    Freedom isn't free.
    "Freedom is the right to tell people what they do not want to hear." ~ Orwell
    I'm that person that embodies pretty much everything that you hate. Might as well get used to it.
    Unapologetically bonding in an uninhibited, propelled manner
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  3. #53
    Senior Member HBIC's Avatar
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    I'm Sx/So so I chose this one:

    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post

    I have a few, individual, very close friendships - Choose this if you don't really socialize in any kind of clique, but regularly maintain a few, very close friendships with individuals, frequently hanging out or talking, often one-on-one (family members count). These friends don't necessarily know each other or have friendships with each other (but they may). Other people don't identify you as a group, but may associate you with one of these individuals (ie. the best friend joined at the hip). Choose this even if on occasion you socialize with a group & do stuff on your own.
    But I have loner phases and have been part of cliques back in the day.

    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    Im not sure clique is really accurate. Im peripherally a member of a couple different "cliques" but more by virtue of my close friendships with one or two people or volunteer work. I get along well with the group though. Im so/sx.
    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I really feel quite similarly. While I have only a few friends who I'd call very close, I like knowing I have a bit of a network, including friends who aren't as close, and "good acquaintances."
    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    Yes, so/sp. I think it's a bit of a conundrum, as an Fi dom or aux, being an so-dom. There's this awareness of groups, and a love yet repulsion of them. A focus on individuals, yet an unwillingness to focus on them alone and ignore the group dynamic. I always get a feeling of how everyone sits in the group, where the "power" is, so to speak. If someone abuses their power, exalts themselves over others, then I want to push against that kind of self-interest.
    Quote Originally Posted by Troisi View Post
    so/sx and I put down mostly loner.

    I was thinking about my relation to people the other day and I realized, while I have no trouble interacting socially in any capacity, I never feel engaged. I never unleash all of who I am with anyone I know (the rare times that I have usually end up in regret). This may sound overly esoteric but I can't think of any other way to word it right now: I feel like a spirit. People can feel me but I'm not fully there.

    I'm not a recluse outwardly (I interact enough to avoid being called a hermit - although that is my natural tendency), but inwardly, the way I view my personal relationship with people, I am a recluse. I've always have been and it doesn't really bother me. I've never depended, or needed, to feel like someone had to open me up inside. If it happens, it happens. And if not, then I don't really care to seek that experience out. I'm a really solitary person
    .
    This all resonated with me so much.

  4. #54
    I could do things Hard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Urarienev View Post
    It makes sense. Most def.

    I'm super happy that you shared this btws!


    But it's just funny. Cause I feel the same way about social settings that you do about 1 on 1's.

    I feel like I'm "on" in a group setting.

    Which I don't mind having an audience or anything....but I can only handle like an hour or two of that. Then I'm like frantic to get a one on one fix in lol.

    I don't feel comfortable in group settings cause I am concerned about how I appear cause there's (1) more people (2) that know me less, (3) just standing around judging me.



    Now I do know what you mean though...by being your natural self. I am very loud and I like to be that way. It gives me so much energy to be lively with people....

    And I think it can be hard to be able to be loud with some people in 1 on 1 settings.....


    I dunno...I kinda get people going though. If someone has Te...even inferior Te...I can get them going...and then it spirals into this lovely loud fest!

    I don't however see how it's possible with a larger group. If the amount is over 4 people and we aren't all as close as I'd like, I find it hard to keep the convo going. Often people will leave that up to me...and in social settings I don't like to be responsible for small talk and stuff.

    And I relate in the opposite way. I would love to have a big ol' gathering, where we are all getting along with out a hitch. I long for acceptance in a group.

    And I already get that in one on ones.

    Funny how we are alike in the concept, but the specifics are opposite.

    Two sides of the same coin it seems!

    That's a big difference though, I am not an initator. I have to (usually) wait for someone else to be the spark, then I can run with it. I can do it, but I don't like it. Unless the environment is very structured and explicit then I sort of freeze and get very uneasy. It all depends on the people involved, but by and large I find groups to be easier to keep the convo going.
    MBTI: ExxJ tetramer
    Functions: Fe > Te > Ni > Se > Si > Ti > Fi > Ne
    Enneagram: 1w2 - 3w4 - 6w5 (The Taskmaster) | sp/so
    Socionics: β-E dimer | -
    Big 5: slOaI
    Temperament: Choleric/Melancholic
    Alignment: Lawful Neutral
    External Perception: Nohari and Johari


  5. #55
    Temporal Mechanic. Lexicon's Avatar
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    I voted: "sp/sx - I have a few, individual, very close friendships."

    I don't typically go out of my way to find community or people in general, but I have a handful of intimate, long-standing friendships with people. We hardly see one another, but the bond transcends time and space. I love that. There are a great many people I'd call less-intimate friends, which just accumulate over time, but there are degrees in closeness, of course. Was never much for sticking to one clique. I always drifted between several different 'groups' of friends, or with individuals. Just feels natural, more fluid/free. I spend most of my time by myself or with one or two people if I'm socializing. Most of my family is either dead or insane, so again, less socialization all around, but not completely a loner.
    03/23 06:06:58 EcK: lex
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  6. #56
    Unapologetic being Evolving Transparency's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hard View Post
    Two sides of the same coin it seems!

    That's a big difference though, I am not an initiator. I have to (usually) wait for someone else to be the spark, then I can run with it. I can do it, but I don't like it. Unless the environment is very structured and explicit then I sort of freeze and get very uneasy. It all depends on the people involved, but by and large I find groups to be easier to keep the convo going.
    Oh, really? Hmm. Yea I love to initiate. And I am often put in the spot to do so if the people know me well. I'm great at filling awkward silences and such. (Even though...I don't really think much of anything is life is awkward...I differ with most people on that thought.)

    Something that bothers me about groups is the whole power thing. I think it is a lot of work to figure out who is in charge. And I don't like that.

    My mind just automatically sees the power constructs of situations. And I find myself asking "Who's going to be in charge here?" when I'm in a group setting. That is especially why I never like being put into a group at work or school. Ugh.

    Maybe you're more laid back than me in that regard?
    "Once the game is over, the Pawn and the King go back into the same box"

    Freedom isn't free.
    "Freedom is the right to tell people what they do not want to hear." ~ Orwell
    I'm that person that embodies pretty much everything that you hate. Might as well get used to it.
    Unapologetically bonding in an uninhibited, propelled manner
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  7. #57
    I could do things Hard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Urarienev View Post
    Oh, really? Hmm. Yea I love to initiate. And I am often put in the spot to do so if the people know me well. I'm great at filling awkward silences and such. (Even though...I don't really think much of anything is life is awkward...I differ with most people on that thought.)

    Something that bothers me about groups is the whole power thing. I think it is a lot of work to figure out who is in charge. And I don't like that.

    My mind just automatically sees the power constructs of situations. And I find myself asking "Who's going to be in charge here?" when I'm in a group setting. That is especially why I never like being put into a group at work or school. Ugh.

    Maybe you're more laid back than me in that regard?
    Hahaha, yet again it's an inverse. I'll figure out who is in charge (the whole pecking order) in a matter of seconds. But the actual structure? That takes time to figure out how that works. Usually I need to ask people to explain it to me. Though I hate group projects too. Mine is I just don't like having to rely on other people when there is a grade dependency. I either want to do ALL of it, or none of it. If I do half way I get way too bent out of shape over not doing and failing to meet another persons standards, or having to put up with their disagreements. It also way slow things down.

    I've sort of just learned to ignore awkward silences. Most of the time I can let it pass and I'm good to go. Actually filling it I can do, but I'm somewhat bad at it (1/2 the time people get the sense that I am just trying to fill the void).
    MBTI: ExxJ tetramer
    Functions: Fe > Te > Ni > Se > Si > Ti > Fi > Ne
    Enneagram: 1w2 - 3w4 - 6w5 (The Taskmaster) | sp/so
    Socionics: β-E dimer | -
    Big 5: slOaI
    Temperament: Choleric/Melancholic
    Alignment: Lawful Neutral
    External Perception: Nohari and Johari


  8. #58
    Unapologetic being Evolving Transparency's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hard View Post
    Hahaha, yet again it's an inverse. I'll figure out who is in charge (the whole pecking order) in a matter of seconds. But the actual structure? That takes time to figure out how that works. Usually I need to ask people to explain it to me. Though I hate group projects too. Mine is I just don't like having to rely on other people when there is a grade dependency. I either want to do ALL of it, or none of it. If I do half way I get way too bent out of shape over not doing and failing to meet another persons standards, or having to put up with their disagreements. It also way slow things down.
    All of this YES! That's what I mean...the structure...I don't get.

    So you just...right out ask people? What do you say?

    I've sort of just learned to ignore awkward silences. Most of the time I can let it pass and I'm good to go. Actually filling it I can do, but I'm somewhat bad at it (1/2 the time people get the sense that I am just trying to fill the void).
    Yea when it's one on one, I'm way better at filling the silence. It's almost never awkward. It's just in social groups, I either want to be fully in charge, or not at all. And often I will just pick the not at all option, if I can't figure it out pecking order quick enough. Then the silence comes in.
    "Once the game is over, the Pawn and the King go back into the same box"

    Freedom isn't free.
    "Freedom is the right to tell people what they do not want to hear." ~ Orwell
    I'm that person that embodies pretty much everything that you hate. Might as well get used to it.
    Unapologetically bonding in an uninhibited, propelled manner
    10w12

  9. #59
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    I do not know my stacking much, but independent of that, I think I am mostly a loner.

    I've always felt like I was on the outskirts of groups (and even individual people) ever since I was little. When I was in girl scouts as a child (starting from Kindergarten), I felt like a loner (but not one of those sulky loners who is like "....wwaaahhh no one likes me", but the kind that was like "....mmmm I want to try to be a part of the group and experience what they experience" but I could just never get it right). I moved around a little bit too. The first time I moved in 3rd grade, I remember starting off the year alone, of course (I moved... duh), but then I heard a girl behind me shout "OH MY GOODNESS I MISSED YOU!" and I turned around and I saw her hugging a girl. I watched them for what seemed like a long time, because it reinforced that I was alone.

    Because of this (I guess, idk...), I would end up in friendships with one person that everyone else hated (...and then I grow to hate the person too because they were crappy people always getting into trouble). This happened because everyone already had their buddy or buddies. And not every relationship that I fell into was because everyone HATED them... they were just simply outcasts in a way (when I was in seventh grade, I ended up in an outcast group and they were nice people, so I would have lunch with them). But since I could see myself as an independent at that time, I would break away and see if I could interact with other individuals. In seventh grade, I got really into this one girl, who really really liked hello kitty ...and then she bullied me because I guess I got too creepy for her??? But then again, maybe she was just simply a jerk because most people don't like her (so she only bullied me because that is what she likes to do). ...I stilled cried for like ever, though lol. I got over because I moved again (yay!)

    The second part of middle school was interesting, I interacted with people of various groups. Never felt in with any of them, but it was nice to watch from the "outside" I became a bit more extroverted in 8th grade too (meaning that I become less shy/quiet). Like, one time a teacher asked me if I could try to befriend a new student, even though she knew I was quiet. I said "okay!" and began blabbering about how much I loved cheese (which was really an exaggeration, but I guess it entertained the girl and she said she liked talking to me ....I yeah, I become weirdly playful and sassy when I break out of my shell lol ...I still am that way when I am not in shy/quiet mode). Even as an 8th grader, I ended up making individual relationships with people ...who are also outcasts... who were in younger grades compared to me (like a creep xDDD).

    In high school (moved again), a small group of 4 developed. It started off with just me and one girl, then another girl (an extreme introvert) came in because me the second girl bonded over how much we hated everything lol. Then another girl who was also sort of a loner (but a very sweet one and she liked to take care of us lol) joined. But I was always the more flexible one, liking to get to know different people. College, I almost became a loner completely for the first 2 years (I hung out with one person, but sometimes that person brought a group of the their own) and people described me to be like a cat who comes and goes as she pleases.

    So the pattern is that I feel like an outsider when I "fall into" a group of people (and my only reaction to that is being quiet ...or being a friendly clown in a way) and I can even feel like an outsider around an individual person. I don't even feel connected to my family.

    I realize that this isn't good... I want to feel like I belong to someone and someone belongs to me (just like how it is for OA when she said she likes having mutual obsessions).
    You are so arbitrary.

  10. #60
    Senior Member Hitoshi-San's Avatar
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    I'm sp/so and I know lots of people, have quite a few friends, and have a ton of acquaintances, but they're not really a "clique". I have some friends who don't even know/like each other.

    I went to a small elementary/middle school, and there was something special about the people in my grade. We were all sort of close knit so there were no loners, you didn't exactly have that choice because due to lack of space, you had to interact with everyone.

    In high school now, the social food chain goes like: hockey players/pucksluts > their wannabes/pets > preps > overachievers/hipsters > normal" kids who don't get noticed often > nerds/band geeks > delinquents > kids from really conservative families who tattle constantly > loners > the legends, who are outcasts that basically everyone picks on.

    I fall into the overacheivers/hipsters and "normal" category, but I mix with the wannabes, preps, and nerds/band geeks for the most part.

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