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Thread: sp/sx or sx/sp?

  1. #1
    brainheart
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    Default sp/sx or sx/sp?

    All right, I truly hate making threads all about me, but I have a hard time figuring this out. I thought I had it nailed, but after looking at Speed Gavroche's sx/so motivational posters and feeling profoundly exhausted, it made me question whether I was an sx dom, cause we're supposed to be energetic, right?

    And then last night my family was being hyper and I felt like I was going to implode, surrounded by all this energy. My husband says to our kids, "Wouldn't it be wild if your mom was hyper, too? I can tell you kids that in the sixteen years I've known your mom I've never seen her hyper."

    That kind of threw me for a loop, cause inside I feel totally nuts, but externally I guess I seem very contained. Many people have told me this.

    Looking at all of those video examples of SG's, I relate to the 4w5sx/sp curiosity, wanting to do all sorts of things, but I present more like an sp/sx. The sx/sps seemed more outgoing, although the sp/sxs seemed a little too depressed (Then again I have been on mood stabilizers for four years). It's almost like I aim to be an sx/sp but the sp keeps it in, if that makes any sense. I, however, am very much a Romantic, in the true sense of the world (not the cheesy modern connotation). I love getting a charge from the people and things I'm attracted to. It's what I definitely get energy from. I can obsess about people, about being in love. It's kind of more the idea than the fact, though- what it does to me vs what it is.

    Otherwise I'm pretty dormant, kind of like I'm holding it in reserve for the next thing that gets me going. I feel tired most of the time.

    I took this test: http://similarminds.com/variant.htmlThe results feel pretty accurate:
    Sexual |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
    Social ||||||||| 26%
    Self Preservation |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
    Anyone else have a hard time figuring this out?

  2. #2
    Senior Member King sns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by brainheart View Post
    All right, I truly hate making threads all about me, but I have a hard time figuring this out. I thought I had it nailed, but after looking at Speed Gavroche's sx/so motivational posters and feeling profoundly exhausted, it made me question whether I was an sx dom, cause we're supposed to be energetic, right?

    And then last night my family was being hyper and I felt like I was going to implode, surrounded by all this energy. My husband says to our kids, "Wouldn't it be wild if your mom was hyper, too? I can tell you kids that in the sixteen years I've known your mom I've never seen her hyper."

    That kind of threw me for a loop, cause inside I feel totally nuts, but externally I guess I seem very contained. Many people have told me this.

    Looking at all of those video examples of SG's, I relate to the 4w5sx/sp curiosity, wanting to do all sorts of things, but I present more like an sp/sx. The sx/sps seemed more outgoing, although the sp/sxs seemed a little too depressed (Then again I have been on mood stabilizers for four years). It's almost like I aim to be an sx/sp but the sp keeps it in, if that makes any sense. I, however, am very much a Romantic, in the true sense of the world (not the cheesy modern connotation). I love getting a charge from the people and things I'm attracted to. It's what I definitely get energy from. I can obsess about people, about being in love. It's kind of more the idea than the fact, though- what it does to me vs what it is.

    Otherwise I'm pretty dormant, kind of like I'm holding it in reserve for the next thing that gets me going. I feel tired most of the time.

    I took this test: http://similarminds.com/variant.htmlThe results feel pretty accurate:


    Anyone else have a hard time figuring this out?
    Hmm, I don't know much about instinctual variants, so I can only give myself as an example. I'm an sp/sx (but an extrovert, of course) and don't think I come off as overly self contained or depressed. For me, self preservation just means "not letting anybody in easily." To me, it's just a one woman operation, and nobody should try to help or get involved. I'm contained in the sense that I don't go absolutely wild, and my facial expression probably usually yields someone who is distant, (not depressed, just guarded.) Though I think people would still see me as someone who has energy. I can be hyper at times, but "hyper" for me still has a certain sense of containment, as letting my emotions out of the realm of the guarded barrier is too dangerous/ vulnerable. But then the sx aspect behind that is somebody who wants to have intensity of emotion and connection at the same time. (A romantic, as you say-though no one would ever ever be able to tell that.) It's almost a battle. I don't know if that helps you.
    06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
    06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
    06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
    06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
    06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
    06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
    06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box

    My Nohari
    My Johari
    by sns.

  3. #3
    Whisky Old & Women Young Speed Gavroche's Avatar
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    Sx are often "dormant" as well, I can relate on what you say. I like isolation and I need time to recharge. I'm dormant as well. Difference between Sx/Sp and Sp/Sx is that Sx/Sp tend to be delibaretely seducive while Sp/Sx can seduce, but are above all concerned about being independant and with practical safety. They lock into them when they feel sexual thing threatens that. Sx/Sp also care about being in control and independant, but they are more aware of the power related with sexuality than of practical independance. Also, Sp/Sx want a partner also, but they are more cencerned with secured relationships, Sx/Sp are more concerned with intense relationships and want power. Sx/Sp prefer when it is impulsive and closeness happens quickly, Sp/Sx prefer when it is slower and step-by-step, with time to recharge. Self-pres 4 are more serious, sensualist and who seek familiars sensations to nurish and sustain them, some have leanings to dauntless and temerity, Sexual 4 are more concerned with competion, hate, they prefer that, than comfort.

    Orange Appled is a 4w5 Sp/Sx and The State I'am In is a 4w5 Sx/Sp, maybe you could ask to them.

    Good initiative to watch the videos BTW.(:
    EsTP 6w7 Sx/Sp

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    "I don't believe in guilt, I only believe in living on impulses"

    "Stereotypes about personality and gender turn out to be fairly accurate: ... On the binary Myers-Briggs measure, the thinking-feeling breakdown is about 30/70 for women versus 60/40 for men." ~ Bryan Caplan

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    i love skylights's Avatar
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    Otherwise I'm pretty dormant, kind of like I'm holding it in reserve for the next thing that gets me going. I feel tired most of the time.
    this is interesting. i don't know if it's because i'm ExxP or what, but i sort of feel like an open receptive vessel that gets energy from interacting with my environment. sometimes i have too much energy (like a balloon that's about to burst), and sometimes i feel drained (like i'm very "clear" and energy just passes through - it can't stay). but most of the time my energy i feel is correlated to how involved i am with what's going on around me. i am happiest when most energized, and also very happy when exhausted after a very intense energy output. i have never thought of "reserving" energy... i can just... make it. and it's uncomfortable to be really energized and then not have anywhere to go with that. it's like... well, like having to pee

    edit - sorry, this is a dumb ENFP post where ENFP means to be helpful and really just blathers about themself for a while.

    but yeah i had a trouble figuring it out at first too. there are definitely aspects of myself that are sp-y, but that's confusing because 6s tend to do some sp stuff by nature i think, just because we're protective. i tried to look at my whole life and my priorities and what has the biggest influence on me in terms of where i act and interact, and for me i'm definitely most motivated and invested in close relationships, then followed by social groups and belonging. sp stuff doesn't really motivate me at all, i just don't worry about it. where's my next meal coming from? who knows, i'll figure it out later. it's not really a big deal. whereas i'm so much more concerned about my close relationships and realizing "heart" connections with other people. i freak out if i feel like someone who's close to me is drawing away from me.

    i think the hardest part was separating enneagram number from variant. maybe these can help a little?

    Quote Originally Posted by enneagraminstitute
    Self Preservation [aka "Survival"] Instinct
    People who have this as their dominant instinct are preoccupied with the safety, comfort, health, energy, and well-being of the physical body. In a word, they are concerned with having enough resources to meet life's demands. [...] Most people in contemporary cultures are not faced life or death "survival" in the strictest sense; thus, Self-Preservation types tend to be concerned with food, money, housing, medical matters, and physical comfort. Moreover, those primarily focused on self-preservation, by extension, are usually interested in maintaining these resources for others as well. Their focus of attention naturally goes towards things related to these areas such as clothes, temperature, shopping, decorating, and the like, particularly if they are not satisfied in these areas or have a feeling of deficiency due to their childhoods.
    my dad's a clear sp-first. he grew up with extremely frugal (to the point of really stupid) parents and now he really cherishes sp stuff. and while i'm sure his behavior is conditioned to a certain extent, it's not just his childhood because he has a handful of siblings who are not like this. anyway, when we eat dinner, he has a curious tendency to take all the food he wants immediately, to the point that if i don't hurry my butt to the table i might be left high and dry - he himself has identified it as latent fear that it won't be available again. he takes really good care of physical stuff and attends to it for the family, too. he's very careful with money and always tries to fix things before replacing them, even though he has more than enough money to do what he pleases with.

    Social (aka "Adaptive") Instinct
    [...] many people fail to recognize themselves as Social types because they get the (false) idea that this means always being involved in groups, meetings, and parties. If Self-Preservation types are interested in adjusting the environment to make themselves more secure and comfortable, Social types adapt themselves to serve the needs of the social situation they find themselves in. Thus, Social types are highly aware of other people, whether they are in intimate situations or in groups. They are also aware of how their actions and attitudes are affecting those around them. Moreover, Sexual types seek intimacy, Social types seek personal connection: they want to stay in long-term contact with people and to be involved in their world. [...] In their primary relationships, they seek partners with whom they can share social activities, wanting their intimates to get involved in projects and events with them. Paradoxically, they actually tend to avoid long periods of exclusive intimacy and quiet solitude, seeing both as potentially limiting. Social types lose their sense of identity and meaning when they are not involved with others in activities that transcend their individual interests.
    one of my good friends from high school is a clear so-first. she's not incredibly motivated in terms of leadership, but she tends to draw people around her as a focal point because she's good at picking up on group needs and wants. her friendships are really interesting to me because she'll tend to "immerse" herself in whatever world she's in, be drawn completely into that social group, sometimes neglecting other groups, but then she'll go to another place and immerse herself in that world. and then she'll come back and do it again. she doesn't stay with one person, she immerses in a whole network and then leaves, immerses and leaves. she forms bonds with whole groups. on her twitter, she talks to a whole group of people, in a way that's simultaneously funny and personal but everyone can relate. whenever you hang out with her she tends to bring more people along with.

    Sexual (aka "Attraction") Instinct
    Many people originally identify themselves as this type because they have learned that the Sexual types are interested in "one-on-one relationships." But [... t]he key element in Sexual types is an intense drive for intimacy and a constant awareness of the "chemistry" between themselves and others. Sexual types are immediately aware of the attraction, or lack thereof, between themselves and other people [...] aware that we feel stimulated in certain people's company and less so in others. The sexual type is constantly moving toward that sense of intense stimulation and intimacy in their relationships and in their activities. [...]They enjoy being intensely involved—even merged—with others, and can become disenchanted with partners who are unable to meet their need for intense energetic union. Losing yourself in a "fusion" of being is the ideal here, and Sexual types are always looking for this state with others and with stimulating objects in their world.
    assuming i'm a good sx example, i don't really bond with groups of people. not in a classical sense. i tend to bond to the overall feeling of a group (or place, or thing) - its values, mission, image, attributes - without much awareness of the people/individual components/network itself, and on another level i tend to bond with each individual person/element on a 1-to-1 basis. i don't immerse in networks on my own - i'll happily immerse in a close loved one's world, because i want to know everything about them, but it's not about the world, it's about how they're affected by it. i want to understand everything that makes them tick and that's why their world is fascinating to me. a lot of my close relationships tend to last for a couple years when we're close together and then fall away when we're not, and after that i don't really care about the person beyond a lingering warmth and interest in how they're doing. i do have that sense of attraction/repulsion immediately with people - it's like a sort of energy you can feel - and i usually have a good sense of how to use that to interact positively with the other person. the best feeling for me is being absolutely and completely swept up in something. "flow".

  5. #5
    Whisky Old & Women Young Speed Gavroche's Avatar
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    I'm like you Sky, in extroverted situation. But when I have to do something alone, I procrastinate, and that really make me "dormant". Though I relate to you "having to pee" thing.
    EsTP 6w7 Sx/Sp

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    "Stereotypes about personality and gender turn out to be fairly accurate: ... On the binary Myers-Briggs measure, the thinking-feeling breakdown is about 30/70 for women versus 60/40 for men." ~ Bryan Caplan

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    i love skylights's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Speed Gavroche View Post
    I'm like you Sky, in extroverted situation. But when I have to do something alone, I procrastinate, and that really make me "dormant". Though I relate to you "having to pee" thing.
    oh yeah me too. i've found recently that one of the best things i can do for myself is to get someone i care about to know about what i'm supposed to be doing, so then i'm more motivated and do it to please them, because i don't really give a shit about it otherwise. or convince them to do it with me or at least talk to me while i'm doing it, which makes it like a billion percent more tolerable.

    though oddly the one thing i don't like to do with a loved other is exercise. i like to exercise alone. but even that's kind of sx-y (sexy lol!) because it bothers me to get distracted by the other person from what i'm really getting into. i like to unload all my energy into one thing.*

    *i'm pretty sure why they call it the sexual instinct isn't because it's actually about sex, but because everything you say can be construed as innuendo.

  7. #7
    brainheart
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    Quote Originally Posted by shortnsweet View Post
    For me, self preservation just means "not letting anybody in easily." To me, it's just a one woman operation, and nobody should try to help or get involved. I'm contained in the sense that I don't go absolutely wild, and my facial expression probably usually yields someone who is distant, (not depressed, just guarded.)... letting my emotions out of the realm of the guarded barrier is too dangerous/ vulnerable. But then the sx aspect behind that is somebody who wants to have intensity of emotion and connection at the same time. (A romantic, as you say-though no one would ever ever be able to tell that.) It's almost a battle. I don't know if that helps you.
    Thanks, sns. I relate much to what I excerpted here, especially the bolded part.

    Speed Gavroche:
    Sx are often "dormant" as well, I can relate on what you say. I like isolation and I need time to recharge. I'm dormant as well. Difference between Sx/Sp and Sp/Sx is that Sx/Sp tend to be delibaretely seducive while Sp/Sx can seduce, but are above all concerned about being independant and with practical safety. They lock into them when they feel sexual thing threatens that. Sx/Sp also care about being in control and independant, but they are more aware of the power related with sexuality than of practical independance. Also, Sp/Sx want a partner also, but they are more cencerned with secured relationships, Sx/Sp are more concerned with intense relationships and want power. Sx/Sp prefer when it is impulsive and closeness happens quickly, Sp/Sx prefer when it is slower and step-by-step, with time to recharge. Self-pres 4 are more serious, sensualist and who seek familiars sensations to nurish and sustain them, some have leanings to dauntless and temerity, Sexual 4 are more concerned with competion, hate, they prefer that, than comfort.
    Thanks, SG. I bolded the parts I related to. One thing, though- what do you make of someone who chose a very sp relationship and is happy for the stability but simultaneously feels a little confined by it, like it's contrary to her true nature- feels much like the battle SnS talks of.

    Skylights
    edit - sorry, this is a dumb ENFP post where ENFP means to be helpful and really just blathers about themself for a while.
    No need to apologize, believe me. I find the blathering metaphorical style to be most helpful

    I've read those enneagram institute descriptions about a gazillion times but they clarify little as far as I'm concerned. I don't get that sp description. (And I totally relate to the sx description which should make it pretty stinking obvious. ) It sounds very SJ to me. The self pres definitions I relate to are the ones with emphasis on needing lots of alone time, independence and autonomy, feeling separate from others. Constantly monitoring my energy reserves. Being concerned about my artistic integrity, rebelling against being a part of the group, protecting the things that matter to me- asserting my individuality. I always need to be my own person. 'Having to do something' makes me instantly not want it. My desires have to come from me. me me me me me

    But I get caught up in attraction. It is a very powerful force in my life. I feel like it's what makes life worth living. I don't know how else to say this, but if I don't have sexual connection I start to get a little insane. Very very withdrawn. It's what brings me into the world. I have a love/hate relationship with intensity, though. I want to be certain someone likes me. I want to be certain that there is something secure about it. Being abandoned, unloved, cast off terrifies the living crap out of me. So I'm always trying to create a balance between intensity and security. Oftentimes I gather my intensity from music, literature, film- safe venues I can explore alone.

    EDIT: all right, I feel like a total dumbass because I read this after typing all of that and it's essentially me. silly silly

    sx/sp
    This is perhaps the most internally conflicted of the stackings, and potentially the most inconsistent in behavior. This may occur as a blockage of the sexual instinct which can be redirected as a more generally brooding and troubled personality. They may isolate themselves for long periods of time before reemerging. They live according to a strictly personal outlook and are not particularly concerned with the approval of others outside of their immediate concern. They seem to be searching for something, the missing piece. If they find a soulmate they will unite without fanfare, forming a secret bond, dealing with formalities as an afterthought. Powerful sexual impulses facing inner resistance may manifest symbolically in the psyche, giving way to soulful interpretations of the unconscious. Under periods of stress severe sexual tensions may manifest as erratic, impulsively destructive behavior. Can seem restless, torn between the comforts of a stable home life and the urge to wander. May be prone to self-medicating.
    Motivation: to know the heart, reconcile inner conflict, form a secure union.

  8. #8
    Whisky Old & Women Young Speed Gavroche's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Speed Gavroche View Post
    [youtube=D86IVsoiqTE]Types and Subtypes[/youtube]

    My personal defintions: when you are of a dominant instinct, you are not concerned with your survival in the territory from time to time but want to maintain a constant flux wich assure your survival in the territory. Social people want to be constantly connected to a larger social sphere, sexual people want to maintain a constant flux wich allows them to answer "yes" to the question "am I connected with a significant one/something strong and intense", self-pres people want to recreate the conditions of the intrauterin life, where you are totally secured, calm, quiet, and where your safety is totally insured..
    Old post
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    "Stereotypes about personality and gender turn out to be fairly accurate: ... On the binary Myers-Briggs measure, the thinking-feeling breakdown is about 30/70 for women versus 60/40 for men." ~ Bryan Caplan

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    Whisky Old & Women Young Speed Gavroche's Avatar
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    Sexual 4 - Seeking Intimacy/Intensity

    •Udit Patel "Infatuation (Ichazo's "Competition")"

    Sexual Fours focus their envy and hypersensitivity in their intimate relationships. They are perhaps the most emotionally intense type of the Enneagram, which is both their gift and their potential downfall. They possess both a capacity and a desire for profound intimacy, and they derive tremendous insight into human nature through the ups and downs of their romantic lives. They have a sultry, sullen quality that can be attractive and mysterious, or at times, off-putting to others. Sexual Fours pour their energy and attention into the object of their affection, often becoming infatuated or even obsessed, sometimes after only one meeting. Sexual chemistry triggers their powerful imaginations, leading them to create enormous expectations of potential partners. Sexual Fours tend to be drawn to people who possess qualities and talents that they believe they lack. They want to complete themselves by associating or merging with the valued other. But this almost never works, so they may also end up envying and resenting their romantic partner for unintentionally reminding them of what they feel they are missing. In any case, Sexual Fours go through tremendous shifts of feeling about their loved ones—everything from idolization to unbridled hatred. Generally speaking, this type is aware of these feelings, including the dark ones, and finds ways to express them, sometimes in self-destructive ways.


    •LifeExplore

    Fours with this theme tend to be highly competitive in close relationships but also more generally. With a mate they are prone to jealousy. Want to be the most important person in mate's life. Could be jealous of a partner's past relationships, maybe want to be the only person the partner has ever loved. Related to the dependent side of 2. More broadly can be consumed by professional envy. Long to best others in their work. Can jealously measure their contributions. Petty about keeping score. Want recognition for their uniqueness. Take away from successes of others when threatened.


    Social 4 - Seeking Acceptance/Belonging/Inclusion/Status

    •Udit Patel "The Outsider (Ichazo's "Social Shame")"

    Social Fours focus their envy and hypersensitivity in the social realm; thus, they are people who deeply want to belong, to be a part of an "in crowd" with a glamorous lifestyle, but who often fear that they are not up to it. Social Fours tend to be more extroverted than Fours of the other two instincts and can resemble Twos or Sevens. Social Fours can be quite funny, using droll, ironic humor to make a point or simply to stimulate conversation. They enjoy expressing their individuality and sense of style in a more public way, although they also attempt to conceal the extent of their feelings of social inadequacy or shame. Social Fours may work hard to develop a public persona through which they can communicate the depths of their feelings, but this persona is usually more glamorous and free than they actually feel. Social Fours are acutely aware of the artifice of their persona, but they use it nonetheless as a way of finding some sense of belonging and involvement in the world. When they are more troubled, Social Fours fear social humiliation to such a degree that they may retreat from much social contact, becoming isolated and reclusive. They may also develop a personal style cultivated to show the world how wounded and different they feel.


    •LifeExplore

    Prone to shame because they compare themselves with the "normal" world around them. Can be highly self-critical and feel ashamed for their deviance from imagined group norms. Sensitive to criticism. May romanticize their defects but feel bad about themselves anyway. If they have a 3 wing, may cover their shame with charm. Can also seek status or be driven to achieve to get revenge against those who once laughed at them. With a 5 wing, can grow antisocial and depressed, bearing their shame in solitude.


    •Helen Palmer

    "In the social domain you can easily feel shame. You feel that your protective cover is removed and that your defects, deficiencies, shortcomings will be exposed publicly in the social situation. You don’t measure up; you may feel yourself to be a misfit. Envy gets mitigated in shame that makes you want to hide your defects, cover up your deficiencies, keep your fatal flaws from being detected, avoid disgrace. Still, shame serves to make you feel or keep a connection to others: “They notice me and my deficiencies and it matters to them.” This makes you count; it tells you that you matter in the eyes of others, “I’m not a nobody–nothing.” And shame motivates you to do better – create an elegant image, produce pride of elitism, look unique and special – in short develop counter-shame. You may become an emotional truth teller in the group. You channel envy in these ways. But at your worst, shame can lead to retraction into self-absorption, depression and even despair."

    Self-Preservation 4 - Seeking Safety/Comfort

    •Udit Patel "The Sensualist (Ichazo's "Reckless/Dauntless")"

    Self-Preservation Fours focus their envy and hypersensitivity on their concerns about their immediate environment and on their quest for physical comfort. They attempt to deal with emotional issues by surrounding themselves with as much luxury and beauty as they can afford, by indulging in their favorite foods, and by giving themselves "consolation prizes" for their suffering. They might be disappointed about a job situation or a failing relationship, and so stay up late at night drinking expensive cognac and watching a favorite movie. Self-Pres Fours are particularly sensitive to comfort issues—the temperature of a room, the quality of the lighting, the humidity or lack of it, the weather—all produce powerful emotional responses. Self-Pres Fours become frustrated that the environment is insufficiently attuned to their personal needs. Attempts to control the environment and self-indulgence in rich foods, drink, drugs, or other sensual distractions can exhaust Self-Pres Fours, leaving them unable to function well outside of their own narrowing world.


    •LifeExplore

    People with this theme are often advocates of risk. Can be reckless, court disaster or just flirt lightly with loss. Take chances to stir up emotional intensity, play out melodrama or to get attention. Can have a desire to punish other through hurting themselves. The logic is, "If I die then they'll be sorry and finally appreciate me." Can seem like counterphobic Sixes in their behavior. With a 3 wing this subtype is more flamboyant and makes a show of their daring. With a 5 wing they grow more sullen and self-punishing.
    EsTP 6w7 Sx/Sp

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    E=60% S=55% T=70% P=80%

    "I don't believe in guilt, I only believe in living on impulses"

    "Stereotypes about personality and gender turn out to be fairly accurate: ... On the binary Myers-Briggs measure, the thinking-feeling breakdown is about 30/70 for women versus 60/40 for men." ~ Bryan Caplan

  10. #10
    brainheart
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    Bolded what resonates:
    Quote Originally Posted by Speed Gavroche View Post
    Sexual 4 - Seeking Intimacy/Intensity

    •Udit Patel "Infatuation (Ichazo's "Competition")"

    Sexual Fours focus their envy and hypersensitivity in their intimate relationships. They are perhaps the most emotionally intense type of the Enneagram, which is both their gift and their potential downfall. They possess both a capacity and a desire for profound intimacy, and they derive tremendous insight into human nature through the ups and downs of their romantic lives. They have a sultry, sullen quality that can be attractive and mysterious, or at times, off-putting to others. Sexual Fours pour their energy and attention into the object of their affection, often becoming infatuated or even obsessed, sometimes after only one meeting. Sexual chemistry triggers their powerful imaginations, leading them to create enormous expectations of potential partners. Sexual Fours tend to be drawn to people who possess qualities and talents that they believe they lack. They want to complete themselves by associating or merging with the valued other. But this almost never works, so they may also end up envying and resenting their romantic partner for unintentionally reminding them of what they feel they are missing. In any case, Sexual Fours go through tremendous shifts of feeling about their loved ones—everything from idolization to unbridled hatred. Generally speaking, this type is aware of these feelings, including the dark ones, and finds ways to express them, sometimes in self-destructive ways.


    •LifeExplore

    Fours with this theme tend to be highly competitive in close relationships but also more generally. With a mate they are prone to jealousy. Want to be the most important person in mate's life. Could be jealous of a partner's past relationships, maybe want to be the only person the partner has ever loved. Related to the dependent side of 2. More broadly can be consumed by professional envy. Long to best others in their work. Can jealously measure their contributions. Petty about keeping score. Want recognition for their uniqueness. Take away from successes of others when threatened. (not me in the remote slightest...?)


    Social 4 - Seeking Acceptance/Belonging/Inclusion/Status

    •Udit Patel "The Outsider (Ichazo's "Social Shame")"

    Social Fours focus their envy and hypersensitivity in the social realm; thus, they are people who deeply want to belong, to be a part of an "in crowd" with a glamorous lifestyle, but who often fear that they are not up to it. Social Fours tend to be more extroverted than Fours of the other two instincts and can resemble Twos or Sevens. Social Fours can be quite funny, using droll, ironic humor to make a point or simply to stimulate conversation. They enjoy expressing their individuality and sense of style in a more public way, although they also attempt to conceal the extent of their feelings of social inadequacy or shame. Social Fours may work hard to develop a public persona through which they can communicate the depths of their feelings, but this persona is usually more glamorous and free than they actually feel. Social Fours are acutely aware of the artifice of their persona, but they use it nonetheless as a way of finding some sense of belonging and involvement in the world. When they are more troubled, Social Fours fear social humiliation to such a degree that they may retreat from much social contact, becoming isolated and reclusive. They may also develop a personal style cultivated to show the world how wounded and different they feel.


    •LifeExplore

    Prone to shame because they compare themselves with the "normal" world around them. Can be highly self-critical and feel ashamed for their deviance from imagined group norms. Sensitive to criticism. May romanticize their defects but feel bad about themselves anyway. If they have a 3 wing, may cover their shame with charm. Can also seek status or be driven to achieve to get revenge against those who once laughed at them. With a 5 wing, can grow antisocial and depressed, bearing their shame in solitude.


    •Helen Palmer

    "In the social domain you can easily feel shame. You feel that your protective cover is removed and that your defects, deficiencies, shortcomings will be exposed publicly in the social situation. You don’t measure up; you may feel yourself to be a misfit. Envy gets mitigated in shame that makes you want to hide your defects, cover up your deficiencies, keep your fatal flaws from being detected, avoid disgrace. Still, shame serves to make you feel or keep a connection to others: “They notice me and my deficiencies and it matters to them.” This makes you count; it tells you that you matter in the eyes of others, “I’m not a nobody–nothing.” And shame motivates you to do better – create an elegant image, produce pride of elitism, look unique and special – in short develop counter-shame. You may become an emotional truth teller in the group. You channel envy in these ways. But at your worst, shame can lead to retraction into self-absorption, depression and even despair."

    Self-Preservation 4 - Seeking Safety/Comfort

    •Udit Patel "The Sensualist (Ichazo's "Reckless/Dauntless")"

    Self-Preservation Fours focus their envy and hypersensitivity on their concerns about their immediate environment and on their quest for physical comfort. They attempt to deal with emotional issues by surrounding themselves with as much luxury and beauty as they can afford, by indulging in their favorite foods, and by giving themselves "consolation prizes" for their suffering. They might be disappointed about a job situation or a failing relationship, and so stay up late at night drinking expensive cognac and watching a favorite movie. Self-Pres Fours are particularly sensitive to comfort issues—the temperature of a room, the quality of the lighting, the humidity or lack of it, the weather—all produce powerful emotional responses. Self-Pres Fours become frustrated that the environment is insufficiently attuned to their personal needs. Attempts to control the environment and self-indulgence in rich foods, drink, drugs, or other sensual distractions can exhaust Self-Pres Fours, leaving them unable to function well outside of their own narrowing world.


    •LifeExplore

    People with this theme are often advocates of risk. Can be reckless, court disaster or just flirt lightly with loss. Take chances to stir up emotional intensity, play out melodrama or to get attention. Can have a desire to punish other through hurting themselves. The logic is, "If I die then they'll be sorry and finally appreciate me." Can seem like counterphobic Sixes in their behavior. With a 3 wing this subtype is more flamboyant and makes a show of their daring. With a 5 wing they grow more sullen and self-punishing.

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