Wow, this might illustrate the difference between secondary sx and secondary so. How do you feel this 'pull'? I've always have this idea that sx is more like a fishing rod while so is more like a net, but generally I still find introverted with so a bit puzzling. (As in "Where the heck do you get all that energy to connect with people? )
Haha. Yeah, the so being like a net is a good way of putting it. It is a surge of energy, like a certain time period where I do feel that I'm able to engage in everything and everybody and people seem to pick that up and gravitate towards me without me having to put much effort in it really. I like to think of it this way that I open the possibility, but it is they who take up on it.
As an sx/sp I have this too, but I think with sx first the pull is stronger than the push...we more actively seek out the intimacy, and do slightly less pushing, and I think sp/sx do push-pull, but are vice versa, like more guarded with their pulling.
"Sentiment without action is the ruin of the soul." - Edward Abbey
I'm ENFP 6w7 and I feel a very strong "push energy". Never felt any pull. I become more and more obsessed with a person to the point where I sometimes make them crazy and they leave. Or we continually bond and I feel like that person is a part of me. Lots of time and distance breaks the bond.
I wonder how type-related this strand is, because my 5w6 sp/sx infj friend seems to have the same issues others have described + more.
This week I brought up the potential of the meetup.com website, and how despite the fact that it hasn't amounted to much, it's all about playing the percentage game; you eliminate nearly all odds of finding new friends by staying home. But yet, when we get together, she goes on about this guy and that, old, new, all shades of gray, etc.
Strange though (slightly unsettling, to boot) how easily such an apparently restrained nf is able to express sexual urges.
Yeah, I definitely feel the push pull thing. I tend to push more than pull, but occasionally I meet someone where I get excited & pull, and then when I see them responding, I freak out and run like mad.
I'm frightened of being smothered and losing my independence & individuality. At the same time, the fantasy - this romantic paragon I'll create - is very alluring. I like the idea of connecting deeply and intensely with someone, and I fall prey to the idea just enough to pull someone in (because they seem to fit the picture in my head), and then once it begins to become a reality & the fantasy dissolves, I push them away.
Sometimes I think it's a test I am giving - will they allow themselves to be pushed off? Can they give me the space I sometimes need? Few past this test...
Anyway, I thought this was a 4 & 5 thing also....in the Everything Enneagram book, 4s are said to latch onto fantasy relationships to avoid the potential hurt and shame of the real thing (and the fact that it will never be "ideal"). I believe 5s are said to desire some intimacy, but their need for solitude and independence is easily threatened - or something like that. My memory fails me at this moment....
"Charlotte sometimes dreams a wall around herself. But it's always with love - So much love it looks like everything else. Charlotte Sometimes - So far away, glass sealed and pretty." - The Cure
My "fear" stops before I feel the need to run, in fact what I feel is just a warning that gives insight of possibilities. The only thing I'm afraid of is acting too obsessed, which makes me hold back my overwhelming what-ever-it-is. But the bolded part is about right.
as 4w5 sp/sx, I think I can relate to this the most. It's a fear of vulnerability that kind of washes over me and wants to make me run, but I usually do a good job fighting off that wave after I spend some time to myself for a bit. Not too much time alone though or else I grow too numb and cut ties completely.
Originally Posted by 21%
I've always noticed this push-pull energy in myself. Sometimes there are those few people I would like to connect deeply with and I crave being with them. It's strong, intense, and 'devouring'. I find myself bordering on obsession and I actively seek all sorts of contact with them. However, once I make progress -- once a new level of intimacy has been reached, I get scared. I pull myself back, I try to run, usually without the person knowing. But after I do that, the cycle starts again and I long for that deep connection once more.
I find this extremely frustrating and I really hate myself for it. It's like I can't decide what I want. At first I thought it was a 4w5 thing -- longing for emotion intensity but afraid of being overwhelmed, but then I was thinking that this might be an sp/sx characteristic.
So, sp/sx's, can you relate at all? Most of the time I keep people at a distance, but when I start letting someone in, I go through endless loops of pull and push. At least I feel closer to them after each loop, though -- I just hope it won't be like this forever
Of course, opinions from other types will be greatly appreciated too!
I could relate to this when I was younger and I completely understand the feelings of push and pull. It's kind of like a wall was around my heart with a welcome mat in front of it, but as soon as someone would start to chip away at the wall and invite themselves in, I would just leave the fort and run. I suppose what helped me get over that is just realizing that what you actually want isn't anything to be afraid of, and that projecting what might happen is usually not realistic. Lower your ideals as well. There may or may not be some pain at some point but it's not anything that you can't handle in time. Be strong. I wish I wasn't at work, I would go into it further, but I hope you know what I mean.
Okay, it's been a week and I have to say that the push and pull thing is a harsh reality that I just didn't want to face. I can't deny it when it happens though. Like you said, I hate myself for it. I don't understand the root of it and wonder if there is even a root. There has to be right? The time between the opposing emotions have been few and far in between lately, that it's easy to suggest to myself that it's no longer a problem. Like taking depression medication that works so well you feel you no longer will become depressed again, only to run dry for three weeks and be back to your state of self hatred and irreplaceable unhappiness. I'm not unhappy now, still on the meds, but that tug of war certainly pops it's ugly head back from time to time. I thought that I would be over it, but, as made apparent by this edit, it's baa-aaack. I still hold true to what angel m said, it won't scare me away completely anymore, but damn it, it's hard. I would very much like to try to do what most 7s do, just ignore the negativety and overwhelm it with cheeryness. Are 4s capable of even doing that, deep down? I don't want to go into my detailed situation about it publicly. Maybe I should just sleep.
Like you said though, after each loop, I feel closer. But I worry if it actually pushes away the other person involved, creating more push and pulls until there is nothing left to push or pull. How do you and whoever you are with handle it? I know this thread isn't the newest but I hope you'll still come back to this.
Last edited by HighwayChild; 08-31-2010 at 02:48 AM.
Reason: later on that week...