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  1. #1
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Default Question to sx/sps

    So, you know when you feel betrayed by someone? When you've let them in on your sx side, connected with them, and you thought it was safe, and then they backstabbed you or hurt you in some way? Then after that you close off all contact with them and never speak to them again; never think of them again.

    Well, what if you needed (keyword NEEDED) to get on good terms with them again? But you didn't feel safe about it.

    What would you do?
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  2. #2
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Haven't found the need to yet, fortunately. I'd probably, fruitlessly try to find ANY alternative I could first, regardless of obstacles.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by runvardh View Post
    Haven't found the need to yet, fortunately. I'd probably, fruitlessly try to find ANY alternative I could first, regardless of obstacles.
    yeah the main problem is that it's my mom. Normally I just would stop caring, but this is an interesting situation. I really NEED to be on good terms with her, but I just can't bring myself to open up to her or care at all. She crossed a few lines after a good amount of warning, and I basically just "checked out" and never came back.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

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    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    yeah the main problem is that it's my mom. Normally I just would stop caring, but this is an interesting situation. I really NEED to be on good terms with her, but I just can't bring myself to open up to her or care at all. She crossed a few lines after a good amount of warning, and I basically just "checked out" and never came back.
    I don't seen anything compelling enough. I find an alternative that works, there always HAS to be one that works
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  5. #5
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    You may snap out of it eventually. You may just need time away from her to grow as a young adult, and when you feel more self-actualized, you may find it easier to connect with her again.

    This is kind of what my experience was with my parental figures...and I'm a few years older than you. I had to take that initial space, but it was very healing and important to eventually got back and reconnect as an adult with a different perspective.

    I'm not saying that's easy. But hopefully you'll be able to create a certain connection with her eventually that also has the kind of boundaries you need so that you don't get hurt too much.

  6. #6
    Senior Member ilovereeses's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    You may snap out of it eventually. You may just need time away from her to grow as a young adult, and when you feel more self-actualized, you may find it easier to connect with her again.

    This is kind of what my experience was with my parental figures...and I'm a few years older than you. I had to take that initial space, but it was very healing and important to eventually got back and reconnect as an adult with a different perspective.

    I'm not saying that's easy. But hopefully you'll be able to create a certain connection with her eventually that also has the kind of boundaries you need so that you don't get hurt too much.
    Agreed. I can only willingly be friends with someone again if either they apologize (and actually mean it), or lots of time goes by and I either forgot about it, or came to accept it, seeing it from their perspective.
    eNFP 9w8 sx/sp

    ~Don't ignore the truth, it will set you free.

    ~10% of life is what happens to you, 90% of life is how you deal with it.

  7. #7
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Thanks for the replies. I did feel that I just needed to give it time, but my mom feels really offended about it and doesn't understand (even though I've told her).

    She just tries to control my life, acts like a complete bitch, and gets offended when I stand up for myself. She is a bully to everyone (including me), and then doesn't understand when people get mad at her. She calls it "owning her truth," lol, it makes her sound like a sociopath. She "owned her truth" toward me and got what she had coming for her.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  8. #8
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    My mother is similar yet more passive aggressive about it. Then again, I put the wall up at about 10 years old so she was never allowed into SX space. She has still managed to hurt me at times, but I never let her get close enough to the critical systems to make me not want to be anywhere near her. It has been interesting trying to remind my mother that I don't hate her and she's still my mommy (I just can't trust her is all), but she has taken the lack of trust as hate. I've tried to work on her anyway, and now she's not as insistent that I hate her, but still quite hurt that I don't trust her. I can live with it, though it's not the optimum relationship with her that I'd like to have. Sorry I can't be much help past that.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

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    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  9. #9
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    So, you know when you feel betrayed by someone? When you've let them in on your sx side, connected with them, and you thought it was safe, and then they backstabbed you or hurt you in some way? Then after that you close off all contact with them and never speak to them again; never think of them again.
    I typically do not do that -- or, what I mean, is that I can't permanently shut someone out if I sense they've repented / changed and are no longer the person they were. I can do it only as long as they are the person who betrayed/backstabbed me.

    Sometimes i hate that part of myself and I feel jealous of those who can just maintain the wall. There are people I really was hurt by, who I wanted to hate, but I just can't do it; later, after they had changed and were no longer the person who had hurt me... I couldn't keep the blockage in place.

    Well, what if you needed (keyword NEEDED) to get on good terms with them again? But you didn't feel safe about it. What would you do?
    Needed? I can't even imagine what that sort of situation would involve.

    First I would look for ANY alternative. And I mean ANY alternative. I don't like having to pretend, if I don't trust someone or dislike them immensely. Nowadays I'm far more apt to either ignore them, or else basically tell them what I think of them to their face -- mainly to get them to go away and not get in my space anymore.

    I guess if I really needed them for something and had no other good options, I would allow a casual relationship -- just enough for my purposes -- to develop, but it would be no more at all than I needed. And it would be cordial at best, but I would not place anything of value to me into that relationship; they get superficial and non-vulnerable details and that would be it.

    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    You may snap out of it eventually. You may just need time away from her to grow as a young adult, and when you feel more self-actualized, you may find it easier to connect with her again.

    This is kind of what my experience was with my parental figures...and I'm a few years older than you. I had to take that initial space, but it was very healing and important to eventually got back and reconnect as an adult with a different perspective.

    I'm not saying that's easy. But hopefully you'll be able to create a certain connection with her eventually that also has the kind of boundaries you need so that you don't get hurt too much.
    My parents really screwed me up in my childhood. Neither were dependable. My mom had the better intentions but she still wasn't "safe" per se... nor could I depend on her to understand or do anything that was really important; she was also very sensitive and clingy in her own way. My dad was far more selfish and was not safe at all.

    It took me YEARS after I became an adult, with my own children, before I could deal with my mom. In the meanwhile, I basically kept things cordial but refused to get to too close to her. It was far too easy to get enmeshed. The more that I found my own independence and she actually learned to build her own life and not hinge so much on the attention and relationship with her children, I could allow myself to get closer to her. But it takes time. It does happen with normal people -- asserting one's dependence, and then being able to be close to one's parents -- but takes awhile. There is always a time of breaking away where someone becoming an adult needs space to become independent, and if the parents do not allow that to happen, then the child has to break away, put up boundaries, and get a sense of their own safety and independence before going back.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

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  10. #10
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by runvardh View Post
    It has been interesting trying to remind my mother that I don't hate her and she's still my mommy (I just can't trust her is all), but she has taken the lack of trust as hate.
    Yeah same here. It kinda sucks.

    Basically I am a very territorial person when it comes to my stuff and my house. I have an irrational fear of people coming into my room and seeing the things that I like, what I'm all about, etc. People that I don't want in there. Ever since I can remember she's reorganized my room when in wasn't to her liking, or it was too "cluttered" or "not organized enough." And then I'd tell her to not, every time, and she wouldn't change her ways. So when I got older and more independent, I'd get angrier and angrier when she did that. And every time she would, I'd lose something. That would piss me off a lot. It got to a point where I'd get more and more hostile toward her when she'd do that, and I'd purposefully hide some of her things from her just to show her how it felt to have your shit touched.

    Fast forward, I have my own place. She needs to stay there for a night, alright. The problem is that I live in a single wide trailor; and she's insanely emotionally overbearing. And I'm tired when she gets there. So she gets mad at me in about 15 minutes because I'm tired and I don't want to listen to her emotional crap. And when she gets mad (aka emotionally hurt), she turns into a bully. So then she asks why I haven't found a girlfriend, and I explain that there really aren't that many girls/people in general that I like. Then she for some reason asked if I were gay with my best friend since I hang out with him a lot, which made me really pissed off. Then she started "cleaning" and reorganizing my stuff because "she can't live in clutter," and then she just asked way too many annoying questions, pushed me too far and pissed me off to the point where I basically said "never come back to my house again, and don't call me." And it's been about two months since that happened, and I have left her one voice mail since then in response to one she left (out of like 15 times she's tried to call me).

    yeah. this is just really annoying to me. sorry if I'm being way too personal/venting my shit on here; and I wanted some perspective.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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