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Psychosis and... Me?

Oeufa

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Apologies in advance. This is long and not necessarily interesting...

I think I may be psychotic. I've been looking up symptoms online and too many of them fit for me to be able to wave the idea away. But I'm not sure, and because I don't have money to waste on a GP visit that might be inconclusive I'd like to hear some opinions here first. I don't deserve your time but it'd mean a lot, all the same.

For about 2 years in my mid teens (I'm 19 now), I was terrified to go to sleep. I never told anyone about this. It all started one night when I was lying in bed, and the thought "Fuck God" randomly popped into my head. Since then, I was convinced God hated me, that he was going to punish me horribly, that Satan would claim me as his own. I feared the dark and what might be lurking in it. I was afraid to sleep in case he killed me during the night. Even the mere thought of the word "god" when I was alone was enough to send me into blind panic and ocassionally tears. On the other side of the coin, I was also half convinced either god or satan would impregnate me and I'd give birth to some demon spawn. None of it made any sense and I recognised that but still couldn't shake it.

Anyway, after about two years of this I finally got over it. I finally felt like I'd made some peace with God, when I realised I didn't actually believe he existed anymore. This brought with it a whole new set of terrors - total oblivion of death, complete and utter isolation in the world - but these are manageable. I still feel echoes of my old deusphobia in the dark, like there's ghosts watching me undress or murderers following me home from the bus stop, but I can ignore it most of the time. Anyway I mention all this so that what I'm about to say next doesn't just smack of teenage angst and laziness.

I have no drive. I can't seem to get my teeth sunk into life. I can't work up the will to go to my classes. I put off assignments til the last minute and then just stare at a blank screen until the deadline passes. I failed all my classes last semester and look set on course to do the same this summer. I desperately want a job but I can't seem to make myself fix up cvs and actually send them out. I want to lose weight and run but keep finding excuses to put it off (and weak ones at that). I feel like I'm standing on the sidelines watching other people live life.

I'm always irritable - I snap and shout at my brother for no reason even though it makes me feel like crap. I seem to be melancholy 90% of the time. I hate people touching me when I don't expect it. I can't go to sleep for a long long time at night and usually sleep in far too late as a result. My thoughts are usually jumbled and repetitive, and my speech is slow and not always clear (like my words are falling over each other trying to get out of my mouth). I vacillate between feelings of narcissism and self-loathing.

Sometimes I feel like my hold on my sanity is tentative. I wouldn't say I'm suicidal (more so the opposite - death terrifies me), but I do find myself thinking of suicide a bit more than I should. Best way I can describe it is: I'm like those ads for Autoglass. My mind has little chips in it everywhere, and I'm afraid that something will come along and jolt me, causing me to crack. If this were to happen, I often find myself wondering would I be suicidal? I'm terrified I might someday reach a point where such a thing would seem like a valid option.

[youtube]P3pKGPvX5vg[/youtube]


Anyway, I guess the point of this thread is to ask advice. I mean, what do I do? I haven't got anything like the funds required to seek psychiatric help. DETECT recommends going to a GP as a first port of call, but they cost €60 a pop and mine isn't exactly great... I can't afford to see doctors who can't do anything to help me. I don't even know if I'm actually unwell or if I'm just imagining things (google being the curse of mild hypochondriacs).

What do you think? What should I do?
 

Within

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Get evaluated as soon as possible. If you are indeed in the prodromal stage of a psychosis it will make things easier for yourself if you receive treatment right away, no matter how much it sets you back economically.
 

Oeufa

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I know you're right, but I still find myself reluctant to go to a GP. I'm afraid they'll laugh me out of their office, and take my money for their trouble. :cry:
 

erm

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What do you think? What should I do?

Well crap, are there no financially easier options? Can someone lend you the money?

It seems like a GP could really help, mentally, but financially as well, since it seems to be holding you back there. So it's a financial investment, in a way. I'm no expert, but I know some of those issues, and I hope you get through this okay.

If you are really reluctant to go to a GP/psychiatrist, I'd recommend finding someone to talk to who will listen. To properly open the dam and let loose the water. A close friend, family member, or a stranger. They could give advice, and it helps in itself, usually.

Failing that, at least try and do it with yourself (if you haven't already), even that can help and make things clearer. Going over things with yourself, in a slow chronological manner, and it is good preparation before talking to someone else, especially a psychiatrist.
 

Oeufa

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I could ask my parents for money, but I'd feel guilty about it because I still live at home, contribute nothing to weekly expenses and am just in general a financial black hole. Money's very tight at home now anyway with my parents' wages getting docked and both myself and my older brother in 3rd level education. I'd also have to tell them what the money's for which I'm reluctant to do as they're already very stressed out over my younger brother who's epileptic and has many difficulties both socially and academically. Until I know anything for certain I don't wanna burden them with more shit. I didn't even tell them the full truth about me failing all 6 classes last semester (only that I had to repeat 2 this summer, which is true).

A part of my concern is that if I were to go to a doctor I wouldn't be able to tell them everything. I'd accidentally leave stuff out or not answer questions correctly (this has happened before with mild physical illnesses). I could circumvent this by writing it all out beforehand though, making sure to include everything... I just hate doctors visits in general though.

I do have a small amount of cash I could use to visit the GP myself, but I'm still worried that he'll just push me out of his surgery and I'll have no money left and still be in the same position.

As for speaking to someone: I did have a bit of a breakdown in front of my piano teacher a few months ago, but that was mostly about the stress regarding all my failed classes. It's only in the last week I've suspected my mental health may not be entirely squeaky clean.
 

prplchknz

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you might be scared to tell your parents what's going on I know I was it took me getting kicked out of school before anything happened because I was too scared to tell people anything. the worse that can happen is you'll be in the same place.
 

Oeufa

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I know I should tell them, but they really really don't need the extra stress...
 

INTP

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dont you have free health-care in your country?

anyways you need to get some psychiatric help, and just getting meds wont fix you, they just remove the symptoms. you see when you just take meds for some depression, psychosis or to anything thats about your brains being fucked up, you just remove symptoms by blocking serotonin from escaping too much or something like that. but with therapy, your brains actually shapes itself into healthy working brains. its called neuroplasticity. brains work pretty much like muscles, if you dont use some part, it gets smaller and weaker, but if you use some part alot, it gets stronger(better signaling on neurons). now putting this thing on your situation, because you havent had any treatment before, these parts that handle those sick thoughts get stronger because you have used them for so long. its good that you have found some ways to get rid of these thoughts at least temporarily, so it cant be too bad. but more time you have those thoughts, more stronger they will come(unless you manage to do some miracle and avoid it forever) stronger over time and will be harder to get out of your head, so get some help asap. what happened 2 years ago was already something you should have had some help for..

oh and you really need to get some help, this sort of things might get really bad over time if you wont get help. so you are just going to have to tell your parents, im sure they will pay for your therapy if they understand the situation and care about you at all. and dont worry them getting stressed about this, its just simply something they need to handle and im 100% sure that they would want to know so that they can help you with it.

maybe if you consider this theory http://www.typologycentral.com/foru...ty/29112-afterlife-last-moment-your-head.html , you might see existence of god bit less likely
 

Oeufa

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I live in Ireland. Calling our healthcare system free would be a bit of a stretch, but I suppose relative to the USA it is. There's a drug scheme that means we only have to pay up to a certain amount per household per month for medication, and hospital bills are sorted by health insurance. Still, €60 (about ($80 I guess?) per GP visit is anything but free. And I would need to see one to refer me to a mental health practitioner, which is annoying but a fact of life. Have I mentioned how much I hate going to visit GPs? :tongue:

INTP, what you say makes a lot of sense, and I know therapy is the route to freedom rather than drugs (I'm really vehemently anti-drug unless absolutely necessary) but it's so goddamn expensive. The annoying thing is I know I really need to just get over it and see a doctor instead of humming and ha-ing about it. I don't know why I'm so scared of telling people IRL and just doing what needs doing. I might see if I can make an appointment with the counsellor on campus, but I dunno if it'll be any use (there's only psychologists and "advisors" in the college as opposed to a fully qualified psychiatrist).

Also, for the record, the extreme fear of god I had was when I was between 13 and 15, more or less. It's so far removed from me now it seems like a dream. I only realised I was atheist last year (at 18).
 

Betty Blue

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I live in Ireland. Calling our healthcare system free would be a bit of a stretch, but I suppose relative to the USA it is. There's a drug scheme that means we only have to pay up to a certain amount per household per month for medication, and hospital bills are sorted by health insurance. Still, €60 (about ($80 I guess?) per GP visit is anything but free. And I would need to see one to refer me to a mental health practitioner, which is annoying but a fact of life. Have I mentioned how much I hate going to visit GPs? :tongue:

INTP, what you say makes a lot of sense, and I know therapy is the route to freedom rather than drugs (I'm really vehemently anti-drug unless absolutely necessary) but it's so goddamn expensive. The annoying thing is I know I really need to just get over it and see a doctor instead of humming and ha-ing about it. I don't know why I'm so scared of telling people IRL and just doing what needs doing. I might see if I can make an appointment with the counsellor on campus, but I dunno if it'll be any use (there's only psychologists and "advisors" in the college as opposed to a fully qualified psychiatrist).

Also, for the record, the extreme fear of god I had was when I was between 13 and 15, more or less. It's so far removed from me now it seems like a dream. I only realised I was atheist last year (at 18).

It sounds like depression more than anything else, i'd say psychosis is very extreme term to use in your case but then i'm not a doctor. Tbh i get the feeling you would benefit a great deal from just talking these things through with someone who you trust and value the opinion of. Do you know anyone? It really does help to talk. When i have bottled things up in the past (yews even enfp's can do this) they go round in circles and bear heavy on my shoulders.
I used to suffer from major depression (poss bi polar) so i do empathise.
Anyway i have seen shitloads of doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, even spent a couple of weeks in a mental health unit.
If you want to your welcome to pm me, it can help to offload.
Btw, i'm the image of mental stability these days. :yes:
 

Oeufa

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Is there a possibility I'm actually perfectly fine and just freaking out and making rather elaborate excuses over being a lazy bum? :tongue:
 

INTP

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just leech the money off your parents, im sure they wont mind. you need something more than some school psychologist, but you could start there, he would most likely guide you to some psychiatrist(if he knows anything about what he should be doing). i would suggest talking to some good psychologist before going to a psychiatrist, because its pretty common for a psychiatrist just to give you meds and send you home to get better, psychologist will try to get you better instead just medicating the symptoms. there are good psychiatrists too, but generally they exist just to give you drugs. i cant be sure if you would also need some medication, but you really need to talk to someone about it and dont be too anti-drug, they might help you alot, just remember to be anti-healingwithonlydrugs.

trust me it would even be better to take a loan that you would pay for 10 years after you get a job to get your head fixed, than ending up with schizophrenia and possibly ruining the rest of your life. this sort of things do develop to something more serious pretty often over time if they arent treated. my best friend had some panic attacks from smoking weed, he didnt get any help and hid it from his parents, stopped smoking weed, and like 1.5 years later he got much worse just in few days and ended up with schizophrenic ocd. this sort of stuff wont never go away, but the stuff that you have now, you can get rid of.
 

Oeufa

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The anti-drugs thing is my feeling towards pretty much every type of pill. I really think that as a society we've become over dependent on magic solutions. Women popping codeine (fucking CODEINE) for mild period pain is a mega pet peeve of mine - a hot water bottle and a walk is much better (this is from someone who gets pretty severe cramps too). My younger brother has been drugged up to his eyeballs on anti-seizure and ADHD meds since the age of 5 and you can tell it's had a severe impact on brain development. These so-called behavorial correctors are the symptom of lazy parents who don't want to properly discipline their spawn (I mean, come on, is even a 3rd of kids diagnosed with these disorders actually mentally ill??? Seems unlikely). [/rant] Sorry, it's just something that really bothers me. Unless absolutely necessary I wouldn't be taking meds.

I guess I could make an appointment with the uni counselor and take it from there. If nothing else, it's cheaper than a GP visit at €40. :blush:
 

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Most universities have free counseling... is there someone at your school you could meet with? They could evaluate you and that way you could decide if you need to spend the money to go to a psychiatrist.

EDIT: I read closer and see that you already thought of that idea. But even if they are "only" psychologists, I think it would be a good starting point for you.
 

Oeufa

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No it's not free in our university. All doctor/nurse and counselor visits used to be, but 2 years ago they brought in charges. They're cheaper on campus then they normally would be, but no longer free unless you're a medical card holder. Which I'm not.

I mean nothing against psychologists. I only made that "just" comment because AFAIK one can only be officially diagnosed with disorders by an MD (aka a psychiatrist?). Am I correct?
 

INTP

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@gempop that bolded part is a symptom of some sort of psychotic thought pattern.

It all started one night when I was lying in bed, and the thought "Fuck God" randomly popped into my head. Since then, I was convinced God hated me, that he was going to punish me horribly, that Satan would claim me as his own. I feared the dark and what might be lurking in it. I was afraid to sleep in case he killed me during the night. Even the mere thought of the word "god" when I was alone was enough to send me into blind panic and ocassionally tears. On the other side of the coin, I was also half convinced either god or satan would impregnate me and I'd give birth to some demon spawn. None of it made any sense and I recognised that but still couldn't shake it.

that sort of having an idea(or seeing something) and making totally ridiculous deductions about it is pretty much what schizophrenia is about, but naturally its way worse because with schizophrenia this sort of delusional thought patterns happen all the time and feel more stronger, so strong that you might need to act on them. like for example if some schizophrenic(who is in really bad shape and doesent take any drugs) sees a red car and there is a short haired guy in it, and he saw earlier that week a bank robbery on news where the robber killed several people and escaped with a red car and had a short hair. he might be 100% sure that this guy he just saw is going to kill him, because he is a murderer from the bank, its obvious to him, he has a short hair and a red car, also he seems to look at you funny and he seems to drive recklessly(and that reckless driving might not be anything more than going bit too fast on a roundabout). but the biggest thing that this type of sick thoughts have no room for logic and any sort of logic against the sick thought will be rationalized somehow. if the bank robber got killed by cops, cops might had killed the wrong person, or the robber might have came back from the dead to punish you for watching him on tv, if the robber got caught, he obviously escaped from jail etc etc.

like with the quote, there is a random thought, that has nothing to do with anything, but its connected to something totally unrelated and unrealistic and it has only little to even do with the original thought. oh and its also pretty common that someone(like my friend i talked about) can see that the thoughts arent real, but still cant drop them and they keep on haunting you, i think its more common after people get on meds after getting seriously ill, or maybe if it havent gone so bad yet.

you clearly have(or have had, doesent make any difference on whether you should get treatment or not, because they can come back any time, especially if you get depressed or stuff like that) some sort of ill thought patterns, and you need to get rid of them or make sure you wont be getting them in the future(or just talk about them to someone so that they can diagnose them and if they go worse later, you already have someone who it is easy to go to). your previous symptoms show that you have high risk or developing something way way serious, since you have tendency for psychotic thoughts. it might only take one of the same sort of thoughts that you get stuck on(than what you had two years ago) to trigger something like schizophrenia. because that sort of thoughts are something like neurologically wrong in your brains and if you train these faulty thought patterns they get stronger and new faulty thought patterns can occur from them that can get stronger etc etc and then you can end up with your mind totally lost.

but dont get too scared from this post, i doubt it wont happen soon since it didnt happen till now and might never happen, so just contact some doctor(a good one, bad one might just make things worse or might not be any help at all) and TELL YOUR PARENTS! no matter how hard it is. write a note that you hand to them if you cant open your mouth
 

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Is or was your family very religious? That would explain some part of the two years you mentioned. Not in the sense that it's their fault or anything but why your fears would take a religious shape.

Anyway, you should really see somebody. A GP would be best and seems warranted (you can use the lack of energy and general fatigue as a foot in the door bbut for god's sake DO mention the rest, a list is fine, but therapists actually have you fill in a form with lots of questions covering all sorts of areas the first time you walk in, for all I know), but if you want to avoid that, go see one of those university councelors. Every university has some kind of psychological service, right?

If you want my impromtu layman analysis: This sounds like some form of clinical depression (don't know how severe, but definitely worth looking into!). That sounds very likely from what information you have given. As to the causes, that remains to be seen and you are the only one who can answer that. But I will venture a guess just from the few posts in this thread (let's see how far off I am):

- parents under a lot of pressure, this rubs off on you, you don't want to be a burden
- middle child with an older brother already at the university (pressure to perform) and a younger brother at home who is epileptic, which probably means he needs special attention from your parents, which means less for you (that's nothing to be ashamed of)
- you are 19, living with your parents and just starting 3rd level education, that is leaving one world behind you and entering a new one, probably without knowing exactly what you want to do with your life and where you want to go
- on top of that and despite your lack of energy, you do extracurricular activities like piano classes (assuming that's not what you study, which your background doesn't suggest), hopefully because you enjoy them, not because you are expected to take them...and you almost break down under the burden of them because you perceive them as just more perssure to perform.
- you want to function, take pressure off your environment, not bother anybody and not be a burden to your loved ones (who would very, very likely get you to get f'cking help if they knew what is going on inside you!!!) and over all that, you forget to take care of yourself

You mentioned the possibility of making an appointment with the councelor. Do that. First thing in the morning. It will take a good part of that weight off your shoulders, show you where you stand and give you some useful information. Knowing is always better, right? *gives Oefa an INTP sister nudge*
 

Oeufa

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Is or was your family very religious? That would explain some part of the two years you mentioned. Not in the sense that it's their fault or anything but why your fears would take a religious shape.

Not so my father and older brother, but yes my mother is a very devout catholic and I was raised to be an active member of the church. I can't begin to describe the anger I felt for it after I became atheist for causing me to experience utter terror of something that never existed. More annoyed with myself though for being so silly.

Red Herring said:
- parents under a lot of pressure, this rubs off on you, you don't want to be a burden
- middle child with an older brother already at the university (pressure to perform) and a younger brother at home who is epileptic, which probably means he needs special attention from your parents, which means less for you (that's nothing to be ashamed of)
- you are 19, living with your parents and just starting 3rd level education, that is leaving one world behind you and entering a new one, probably without knowing exactly what you want to do with your life and where you want to go
- on top of that and despite your lack of energy, you do extracurricular activities like piano classes (assuming that's not what you study, which your background doesn't suggest), hopefully because you enjoy them, not because you are expected to take them...and you almost break down under the burden of them because you perceive them as just more perssure to perform.
- you want to function, take pressure off your environment, not bother anybody and not be a burden to your loved ones (who would very, very likely get you to get f'cking help if they knew what is going on inside you!!!) and over all that, you forget to take care of yourself

Some hitting the mark, others not :tongue:. But yeah, suffice to say there's lots of stress coming at me from various different parts of my life (for more details you can see an anon thread I started here a few days ago. And I'm not normally one who gets stressed... over anything :cheese:.

Thanks for the well wished though. I think I'll pop into the counselor's office tomorrow and see if I can make an appointment, though there might be a very long waiting list. Then again, this is the last week of class this semester so perhaps not.



But no one thinks I'm perfectly fine, no?

okayguy.jpg
 

Betty Blue

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@gempop that bolded part is a symptom of some sort of psychotic thought pattern.

Well i'm not so sure, i went through similar thought patterns... i don't think i was psychotic but i did get (and need) help.
I believe a lot of people go through what could be described as psychotic thought patterns but often these people are able to talk to others so it does not get out of hand.
Meds did not help me personally, either numbed me to a point i was out of touch with reality or made me feel more depressed/neurotic. I also had great difficulty talking to my parents in my teens.
Sometimes our thoughts can escalate and isolating ones self will only help them escalate further.
My point regarding talking to somebody trustworthy and grounded, was just so he/she can have an alternative (and trusted) perspective. One that is grounded.
I think therapy would probably work out best but i suggested it as an option, with the thought in mind, that therapy were not possible.
Not everyone can access therapy, personally i had to wait 14 months to get free therapy. They said they were not an emergency service and for emergencies i needed to go to the emergency centre for mental health. Theres no middle ground for crisis, it is lacking here.
I also think that if there is help available from family members or trusted friends that this should be accessed immediately.
 

guesswho

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You need to go to a doctor, and stop reading online stuff about mental illnesses you might have....because you seem like an anxious person, and reading that stuff might just fuel your anxiety.

Also, thoughts popping in your head at night, just before going to sleep is normal, however the interpretation of the thought is abnormal.

I don't know...don't overanalyze the thing and just go to a doctor.


It sounds like depression more than anything else,

yeah..
 
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