Apologies in advance. This is long and not necessarily interesting...
I think I may be psychotic. I've been looking up symptoms online and too many of them fit for me to be able to wave the idea away. But I'm not sure, and because I don't have money to waste on a GP visit that might be inconclusive I'd like to hear some opinions here first. I don't deserve your time but it'd mean a lot, all the same.
For about 2 years in my mid teens (I'm 19 now), I was terrified to go to sleep. I never told anyone about this. It all started one night when I was lying in bed, and the thought "Fuck God" randomly popped into my head. Since then, I was convinced God hated me, that he was going to punish me horribly, that Satan would claim me as his own. I feared the dark and what might be lurking in it. I was afraid to sleep in case he killed me during the night. Even the mere thought of the word "god" when I was alone was enough to send me into blind panic and ocassionally tears. On the other side of the coin, I was also half convinced either god or satan would impregnate me and I'd give birth to some demon spawn. None of it made any sense and I recognised that but still couldn't shake it.
Anyway, after about two years of this I finally got over it. I finally felt like I'd made some peace with God, when I realised I didn't actually believe he existed anymore. This brought with it a whole new set of terrors - total oblivion of death, complete and utter isolation in the world - but these are manageable. I still feel echoes of my old deusphobia in the dark, like there's ghosts watching me undress or murderers following me home from the bus stop, but I can ignore it most of the time. Anyway I mention all this so that what I'm about to say next doesn't just smack of teenage angst and laziness.
I have no drive. I can't seem to get my teeth sunk into life. I can't work up the will to go to my classes. I put off assignments til the last minute and then just stare at a blank screen until the deadline passes. I failed all my classes last semester and look set on course to do the same this summer. I desperately want a job but I can't seem to make myself fix up cvs and actually send them out. I want to lose weight and run but keep finding excuses to put it off (and weak ones at that). I feel like I'm standing on the sidelines watching other people live life.
I'm always irritable - I snap and shout at my brother for no reason even though it makes me feel like crap. I seem to be melancholy 90% of the time. I hate people touching me when I don't expect it. I can't go to sleep for a long long time at night and usually sleep in far too late as a result. My thoughts are usually jumbled and repetitive, and my speech is slow and not always clear (like my words are falling over each other trying to get out of my mouth). I vacillate between feelings of narcissism and self-loathing.
Sometimes I feel like my hold on my sanity is tentative. I wouldn't say I'm suicidal (more so the opposite - death terrifies me), but I do find myself thinking of suicide a bit more than I should. Best way I can describe it is: I'm like those ads for Autoglass. My mind has little chips in it everywhere, and I'm afraid that something will come along and jolt me, causing me to crack. If this were to happen, I often find myself wondering would I be suicidal? I'm terrified I might someday reach a point where such a thing would seem like a valid option.
Anyway, I guess the point of this thread is to ask advice. I mean, what do I do? I haven't got anything like the funds required to seek psychiatric help. DETECT recommends going to a GP as a first port of call, but they cost €60 a pop and mine isn't exactly great... I can't afford to see doctors who can't do anything to help me. I don't even know if I'm actually unwell or if I'm just imagining things (google being the curse of mild hypochondriacs).
What do you think? What should I do?