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  1. #1
    Senior Member Oeufa's Avatar
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    Question Psychosis and... Me?

    Apologies in advance. This is long and not necessarily interesting...

    I think I may be psychotic. I've been looking up symptoms online and too many of them fit for me to be able to wave the idea away. But I'm not sure, and because I don't have money to waste on a GP visit that might be inconclusive I'd like to hear some opinions here first. I don't deserve your time but it'd mean a lot, all the same.

    For about 2 years in my mid teens (I'm 19 now), I was terrified to go to sleep. I never told anyone about this. It all started one night when I was lying in bed, and the thought "Fuck God" randomly popped into my head. Since then, I was convinced God hated me, that he was going to punish me horribly, that Satan would claim me as his own. I feared the dark and what might be lurking in it. I was afraid to sleep in case he killed me during the night. Even the mere thought of the word "god" when I was alone was enough to send me into blind panic and ocassionally tears. On the other side of the coin, I was also half convinced either god or satan would impregnate me and I'd give birth to some demon spawn. None of it made any sense and I recognised that but still couldn't shake it.

    Anyway, after about two years of this I finally got over it. I finally felt like I'd made some peace with God, when I realised I didn't actually believe he existed anymore. This brought with it a whole new set of terrors - total oblivion of death, complete and utter isolation in the world - but these are manageable. I still feel echoes of my old deusphobia in the dark, like there's ghosts watching me undress or murderers following me home from the bus stop, but I can ignore it most of the time. Anyway I mention all this so that what I'm about to say next doesn't just smack of teenage angst and laziness.

    I have no drive. I can't seem to get my teeth sunk into life. I can't work up the will to go to my classes. I put off assignments til the last minute and then just stare at a blank screen until the deadline passes. I failed all my classes last semester and look set on course to do the same this summer. I desperately want a job but I can't seem to make myself fix up cvs and actually send them out. I want to lose weight and run but keep finding excuses to put it off (and weak ones at that). I feel like I'm standing on the sidelines watching other people live life.

    I'm always irritable - I snap and shout at my brother for no reason even though it makes me feel like crap. I seem to be melancholy 90% of the time. I hate people touching me when I don't expect it. I can't go to sleep for a long long time at night and usually sleep in far too late as a result. My thoughts are usually jumbled and repetitive, and my speech is slow and not always clear (like my words are falling over each other trying to get out of my mouth). I vacillate between feelings of narcissism and self-loathing.

    Sometimes I feel like my hold on my sanity is tentative. I wouldn't say I'm suicidal (more so the opposite - death terrifies me), but I do find myself thinking of suicide a bit more than I should. Best way I can describe it is: I'm like those ads for Autoglass. My mind has little chips in it everywhere, and I'm afraid that something will come along and jolt me, causing me to crack. If this were to happen, I often find myself wondering would I be suicidal? I'm terrified I might someday reach a point where such a thing would seem like a valid option.

    [youtube]P3pKGPvX5vg[/youtube]


    Anyway, I guess the point of this thread is to ask advice. I mean, what do I do? I haven't got anything like the funds required to seek psychiatric help. DETECT recommends going to a GP as a first port of call, but they cost €60 a pop and mine isn't exactly great... I can't afford to see doctors who can't do anything to help me. I don't even know if I'm actually unwell or if I'm just imagining things (google being the curse of mild hypochondriacs).

    What do you think? What should I do?
    Ti>Ne>Si>Te>Fi>Ni>Se=Fe

    And yes, there are such things as INTPs who overuse emoticons

  2. #2
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    Get evaluated as soon as possible. If you are indeed in the prodromal stage of a psychosis it will make things easier for yourself if you receive treatment right away, no matter how much it sets you back economically.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Oeufa's Avatar
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    I know you're right, but I still find myself reluctant to go to a GP. I'm afraid they'll laugh me out of their office, and take my money for their trouble.
    Ti>Ne>Si>Te>Fi>Ni>Se=Fe

    And yes, there are such things as INTPs who overuse emoticons

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oeufa View Post
    What do you think? What should I do?
    Well crap, are there no financially easier options? Can someone lend you the money?

    It seems like a GP could really help, mentally, but financially as well, since it seems to be holding you back there. So it's a financial investment, in a way. I'm no expert, but I know some of those issues, and I hope you get through this okay.

    If you are really reluctant to go to a GP/psychiatrist, I'd recommend finding someone to talk to who will listen. To properly open the dam and let loose the water. A close friend, family member, or a stranger. They could give advice, and it helps in itself, usually.

    Failing that, at least try and do it with yourself (if you haven't already), even that can help and make things clearer. Going over things with yourself, in a slow chronological manner, and it is good preparation before talking to someone else, especially a psychiatrist.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Oeufa's Avatar
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    I could ask my parents for money, but I'd feel guilty about it because I still live at home, contribute nothing to weekly expenses and am just in general a financial black hole. Money's very tight at home now anyway with my parents' wages getting docked and both myself and my older brother in 3rd level education. I'd also have to tell them what the money's for which I'm reluctant to do as they're already very stressed out over my younger brother who's epileptic and has many difficulties both socially and academically. Until I know anything for certain I don't wanna burden them with more shit. I didn't even tell them the full truth about me failing all 6 classes last semester (only that I had to repeat 2 this summer, which is true).

    A part of my concern is that if I were to go to a doctor I wouldn't be able to tell them everything. I'd accidentally leave stuff out or not answer questions correctly (this has happened before with mild physical illnesses). I could circumvent this by writing it all out beforehand though, making sure to include everything... I just hate doctors visits in general though.

    I do have a small amount of cash I could use to visit the GP myself, but I'm still worried that he'll just push me out of his surgery and I'll have no money left and still be in the same position.

    As for speaking to someone: I did have a bit of a breakdown in front of my piano teacher a few months ago, but that was mostly about the stress regarding all my failed classes. It's only in the last week I've suspected my mental health may not be entirely squeaky clean.
    Ti>Ne>Si>Te>Fi>Ni>Se=Fe

    And yes, there are such things as INTPs who overuse emoticons

  6. #6
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    you might be scared to tell your parents what's going on I know I was it took me getting kicked out of school before anything happened because I was too scared to tell people anything. the worse that can happen is you'll be in the same place.
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  7. #7
    Senior Member Oeufa's Avatar
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    I know I should tell them, but they really really don't need the extra stress...
    Ti>Ne>Si>Te>Fi>Ni>Se=Fe

    And yes, there are such things as INTPs who overuse emoticons

  8. #8
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    dont you have free health-care in your country?

    anyways you need to get some psychiatric help, and just getting meds wont fix you, they just remove the symptoms. you see when you just take meds for some depression, psychosis or to anything thats about your brains being fucked up, you just remove symptoms by blocking serotonin from escaping too much or something like that. but with therapy, your brains actually shapes itself into healthy working brains. its called neuroplasticity. brains work pretty much like muscles, if you dont use some part, it gets smaller and weaker, but if you use some part alot, it gets stronger(better signaling on neurons). now putting this thing on your situation, because you havent had any treatment before, these parts that handle those sick thoughts get stronger because you have used them for so long. its good that you have found some ways to get rid of these thoughts at least temporarily, so it cant be too bad. but more time you have those thoughts, more stronger they will come(unless you manage to do some miracle and avoid it forever) stronger over time and will be harder to get out of your head, so get some help asap. what happened 2 years ago was already something you should have had some help for..

    oh and you really need to get some help, this sort of things might get really bad over time if you wont get help. so you are just going to have to tell your parents, im sure they will pay for your therapy if they understand the situation and care about you at all. and dont worry them getting stressed about this, its just simply something they need to handle and im 100% sure that they would want to know so that they can help you with it.

    maybe if you consider this theory http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...your-head.html , you might see existence of god bit less likely
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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  9. #9
    Senior Member Oeufa's Avatar
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    I live in Ireland. Calling our healthcare system free would be a bit of a stretch, but I suppose relative to the USA it is. There's a drug scheme that means we only have to pay up to a certain amount per household per month for medication, and hospital bills are sorted by health insurance. Still, €60 (about ($80 I guess?) per GP visit is anything but free. And I would need to see one to refer me to a mental health practitioner, which is annoying but a fact of life. Have I mentioned how much I hate going to visit GPs?

    INTP, what you say makes a lot of sense, and I know therapy is the route to freedom rather than drugs (I'm really vehemently anti-drug unless absolutely necessary) but it's so goddamn expensive. The annoying thing is I know I really need to just get over it and see a doctor instead of humming and ha-ing about it. I don't know why I'm so scared of telling people IRL and just doing what needs doing. I might see if I can make an appointment with the counsellor on campus, but I dunno if it'll be any use (there's only psychologists and "advisors" in the college as opposed to a fully qualified psychiatrist).

    Also, for the record, the extreme fear of god I had was when I was between 13 and 15, more or less. It's so far removed from me now it seems like a dream. I only realised I was atheist last year (at 18).
    Ti>Ne>Si>Te>Fi>Ni>Se=Fe

    And yes, there are such things as INTPs who overuse emoticons

  10. #10
    Let me count the ways Betty Blue's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oeufa View Post
    I live in Ireland. Calling our healthcare system free would be a bit of a stretch, but I suppose relative to the USA it is. There's a drug scheme that means we only have to pay up to a certain amount per household per month for medication, and hospital bills are sorted by health insurance. Still, €60 (about ($80 I guess?) per GP visit is anything but free. And I would need to see one to refer me to a mental health practitioner, which is annoying but a fact of life. Have I mentioned how much I hate going to visit GPs?

    INTP, what you say makes a lot of sense, and I know therapy is the route to freedom rather than drugs (I'm really vehemently anti-drug unless absolutely necessary) but it's so goddamn expensive. The annoying thing is I know I really need to just get over it and see a doctor instead of humming and ha-ing about it. I don't know why I'm so scared of telling people IRL and just doing what needs doing. I might see if I can make an appointment with the counsellor on campus, but I dunno if it'll be any use (there's only psychologists and "advisors" in the college as opposed to a fully qualified psychiatrist).

    Also, for the record, the extreme fear of god I had was when I was between 13 and 15, more or less. It's so far removed from me now it seems like a dream. I only realised I was atheist last year (at 18).
    It sounds like depression more than anything else, i'd say psychosis is very extreme term to use in your case but then i'm not a doctor. Tbh i get the feeling you would benefit a great deal from just talking these things through with someone who you trust and value the opinion of. Do you know anyone? It really does help to talk. When i have bottled things up in the past (yews even enfp's can do this) they go round in circles and bear heavy on my shoulders.
    I used to suffer from major depression (poss bi polar) so i do empathise.
    Anyway i have seen shitloads of doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, even spent a couple of weeks in a mental health unit.
    If you want to your welcome to pm me, it can help to offload.
    Btw, i'm the image of mental stability these days.
    "We knew he was someone who had a tragic flaw, that's where his greatness came from"

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