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  1. #1
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Default Recovering from an eating disorder

    Has anybody here successfully recovered from a long term eating disorder that has progressed to the stage of heart problems?

    Or have any experience with family/friends who have?

    I'm currently trying to recover from anorexia, I've suffered bouts of it on and off since I was 17, but never as badly as the last few months.

    Since July I really started coming down hard on myself, allowing myself to eat only when I had to hide it, so out of 3 months, I ate properly for a total of 12 days, but dotted through that time period, and no more than 400 calories on any other day.

    Then something happened late september that stopped me from eating even the 400 calories I had been allowing myself. I just stopped eating completely, if I broke then it was to a packet of beef jerky, which I discovered only had 70 calories in it.

    For the last week my heart hasn't been beating right, its erractic and I have been in hospital because I blacked out and I have been referred to a cardiologist for more tests. (I was in hopsital a few weeks ago aswell, but my heart was fine then, or at least they didn't pick up on it :/)

    I'm being forced to drink a liquid replacement for food (2 drinks a day, 300 calories each, which I'll be honest is a struggle to mentally allow myself to do even though I know its vital), because it was an attempt at eating that triggered the heart problems, apparantly this causes strain on a heart already working harder to keep me alive. Plus I have been doing this to myself for years, laxative abuse, bulimia if I failed at starvation, the only real times I have relaxed my control have been for pregnancy.

    For most of my life it was me who controlled the eating disorder, or I thought I was in control. Eating was breaking control. Now I don't feel in control anymore. I haven't been able to eat for over 5 weeks, just 70 calories here or there to keep me going. Even when I tried I couldn't keep it down.

    I was euphoric on starvation for awhile, thats so twisted I know, but being hungry meant I was winning. I'm extremely underweight now, my cycle has vanished, I dropped 2 sizes in clothes and although to me I felt I was fat before, rationally I know I wasn't. It doesn't help that people congratulated me on my weight loss, long before they started to look a bit horrified at how far it has gone.

    I don't want this anymore, I don't want to punish myself like this anymore. I'm a bit frightened at what I am doing to myself, no doubt I knew starvation was dangerous and killed, but of course I somehow did not apply that to myself.

    Is it possible to regain my strength?

    I know I will gain weight, mentally dealing with that will be a struggle, but can you strengthen a heart again?

    My appointment with the cardiologist is not til monday and I'm panicking because I don't know if these insane heart palpitations will go away or if this is a feeling I will always be faced with.

    Do you know anybody who has been there before, or been there before? if so are you better now? Is it possible?

    I just want to get past this.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  2. #2
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry, Berbs What can we do to help make things a little bit better for you?

    I don't know the answer to your question. I looked up whatever I could find online, but didn't find anything conclusive.

  3. #3
    Rainy Day Member Ingrid in grids's Avatar
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    I suffered from bouts of a confusing eating disorder (which I would now probably label bulimarexia) for about one and a half years. Considering that many people spend many years and years of their lives battling with an ED, I'm reluctant to ever classify mine as long term. I am young and I've seen many people around my age battle with similar behaviours.

    First off, I admire the openness of your post. Thank you. I must admit though, I feel a bit unqualified to be giving advice. Your ED had clearly been a much harder battle than mine ever was. Nevertheless I hope this response can be helpful to you in some way.

    Regarding the heart problems, don't panic too much about seeing the cardiologist or the feedback he/she will give you. Taking the appointment in the first place is a great step forward. When I was doing through the worst of my bulimic behaviours, I experienced some chest pain and also the erratic heart beats that you mentioned. I was too afraid to tell anyone and never did. After all, no one even knew what I was doing and I was very skilled at hiding it. Your heart is an incredibly resilient muscle. As your body strengthens your heart will strengthen too.

    I particularly identified with this part of your post:
    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    For most of my life it was me who controlled the eating disorder, or I thought I was in control. Eating was breaking control. Now I don't feel in control anymore. I haven't been able to eat for over 5 weeks, just 70 calories here or there to keep me going. Even when I tried I couldn't keep it down.

    I was euphoric on starvation for awhile, thats so twisted I know, but being hungry meant I was winning. I'm extremely underweight now, my cycle has vanished, I dropped 2 sizes in clothes and although to me I felt I was fat before, rationally I know I wasn't. It doesn't help that people congratulated me on my weight loss, long before they started to look a bit horrified at how far it has gone.

    I don't want this anymore, I don't want to punish myself like this anymore. I'm a bit frightened at what I am doing to myself, no doubt I knew starvation was dangerous and killed, but of course I somehow did not apply that to myself.
    This euphoric feeling that you mentioned will be key in overcoming your disorder. I experienced it too. For me there were two things that would give me that feeling: 1. feeling pure and weightless when you're completely empty of food, which was incredibly addictive, and 2. when I was throwing up.

    A vital thing to remember when dealing with EDs is that no case is ever the same. I researched bulimia when I began to admit that there was a problem and I got tons and tons of accounts from people who mentioned feeling self-loathing and disgust while they were purging and immediately after. I never felt like that. I felt almost calm and trance-like when I was purging, and immediately after I felt immense satisfaction. Most of the stories also mentioned purging to deal with the overwhelming sense of guilt after having filled up on indulgent foods. I didn't really identify with that either. When I binged, I did so with the clear intention of purging. I didn't care about the food or even really notice its taste. Food was just a stomach filler for me and brought me no pleasure. It was throwing up that gave me pleasure and an empowering sense of control.

    People can fall into eating disorders for reasons as different as suppressing/indirectly dealing with past hurt and negative feelings, a cry for attention and help, PTSD, for control, just for something to do, competition dieting ... the list continues. Yours is completely unique and needs to be worked through. Most of the people I know who have overcome a serious ED didn't do so without some kind of therapy. Don't do it all yourself.

    The fact that you feel good when you're doing something that is doing you harm means that your brain has reworked its rewards system. I have a family friend who works as a specialist in a clinic dealing specifically with ED patients, esp. anorexia. Many of their methods for rehabilitating sufferers involve some kind of 'brain re-training'. One of the things they do with some of the girls at mealtime is, when they're eating their soup, they put them in these odd incubator-like things. It sounds strange, but what it does is allow the girls' brains to re-associate eating with a sense of warmth, protection and comfort.

    As for me, I overcame my ED in the same way that it existed - in secret. Looking back it would have probably been a lot easier had I worked through it with other people. When I reached the a point similar to what you mentioned - of just wanting out and not wanting to go on like this - I spent a long time feeling helpless on how I would stop myself. Expect relapses but expect recovery. I had to become very objective with myself. Treat yourself much like your own patient. I made myself eat all my meals in the company of others, which turned my pattern of secretive eating on its head. I shifted the control I sought in throwing up to planning meals instead. Though I became anal about portions and what I ate, at least I wasn't in the cycle of the b/p.

    Best of luck with recovery. It will come.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    Has anybody here successfully recovered from a long term eating disorder that has progressed to the stage of heart problems?

    Or have any experience with family/friends who have?

    I'm currently trying to recover from anorexia, I've suffered bouts of it on and off since I was 17, but never as badly as the last few months.

    Since July I really started coming down hard on myself, allowing myself to eat only when I had to hide it, so out of 3 months, I ate properly for a total of 12 days, but dotted through that time period, and no more than 400 calories on any other day.

    Then something happened late september that stopped me from eating even the 400 calories I had been allowing myself. I just stopped eating completely, if I broke then it was to a packet of beef jerky, which I discovered only had 70 calories in it.

    For the last week my heart hasn't been beating right, its erractic and I have been in hospital because I blacked out and I have been referred to a cardiologist for more tests. (I was in hopsital a few weeks ago aswell, but my heart was fine then, or at least they didn't pick up on it :/)

    I'm being forced to drink a liquid replacement for food (2 drinks a day, 300 calories each, which I'll be honest is a struggle to mentally allow myself to do even though I know its vital), because it was an attempt at eating that triggered the heart problems, apparantly this causes strain on a heart already working harder to keep me alive. Plus I have been doing this to myself for years, laxative abuse, bulimia if I failed at starvation, the only real times I have relaxed my control have been for pregnancy.

    For most of my life it was me who controlled the eating disorder, or I thought I was in control. Eating was breaking control. Now I don't feel in control anymore. I haven't been able to eat for over 5 weeks, just 70 calories here or there to keep me going. Even when I tried I couldn't keep it down.

    I was euphoric on starvation for awhile, thats so twisted I know, but being hungry meant I was winning. I'm extremely underweight now, my cycle has vanished, I dropped 2 sizes in clothes and although to me I felt I was fat before, rationally I know I wasn't. It doesn't help that people congratulated me on my weight loss, long before they started to look a bit horrified at how far it has gone.

    I don't want this anymore, I don't want to punish myself like this anymore. I'm a bit frightened at what I am doing to myself, no doubt I knew starvation was dangerous and killed, but of course I somehow did not apply that to myself.

    Is it possible to regain my strength?

    I know I will gain weight, mentally dealing with that will be a struggle, but can you strengthen a heart again?

    My appointment with the cardiologist is not til monday and I'm panicking because I don't know if these insane heart palpitations will go away or if this is a feeling I will always be faced with.

    Do you know anybody who has been there before, or been there before? if so are you better now? Is it possible?

    I just want to get past this.
    Hi Ella *big hugs for you* how are you feeling? i'm sure it feels all like a bit of a whirlwind and you feel a little numb right now. Start journalling all your feelings every half hour. Stream of conscious. You need to reclaim your voice right -now-.

    I'll tell you a bit about my story, because it relates to heart problems.

    I was forced into hospitalisation age 16, after going to an eating disorder clinic inside a hospital. They told me that day I had an eating disorder (well, subtly), and after waiting a few hours for test results to come back in, they said I had to be hospitalised because my ecg (heart reading) was dangerously slow, and I was far too underweight (among other medical things; ketones, severe anemia, vitamin/mineral deficiencies etc). Luckily this was one of the view places in my country with an eating disorder clinic inside a hospital. Many people in there (usually 6-7 at a time) were hospitalised for the same reason; heart problems, too thin etc.

    I had a tube down my nose, and the first time I ever had that done was the first day I was hospitalised. I had to be on "bed rest" (i.e. not allowed to get off the bed) for about a week. I was attached to the feeding tube all day. Which is filled with that stuff you are required to drink.

    So yes Ella, you have every reason to take any heart issues you have very seriously. There is no need to be alarmed, but DO NOT hesitate to seek more advice from health care professionals if you feel weary about what's happening to you. My mother was turned away on numerous occasions to get someone to see me. Meanwhile, I was almost dead. If people turn you away, it's not your fault. You have every right to look after your own life, and it's not your fault if medical professionals out there don't take you seriously because of your illness. Medical professionals screw up. Now is the time to take the best care of yourself, and make sure that you put yourself in places where your concerns are met adequately, even if it means seeing other people and being turned away.

    I have been hospitalised twice since then, and had several major anorexia episodes since then. I have also experienced a mixture of anorexia/bulimia. This has all been over the course of five years. I'm not going to say I'm fully physically recovered, it takes years of constant diligence to get through the water retention, tiredness etc.

    However, I am quite sure I have recovered from my weakened heart you can make a healthy recovery, if you are willing to summon the effort to work really hard and to keep yourself stable and free from an eating disorder. Prevention is always better than a cure, and your heart being a muscle, can only take so much stress. You can and will recover, if you are brave and allow yourself to be healthy. Your heart needs nutrients. Your heart needs you to feed it, just like your brain does. It needs nutrients and vitamins. Your organs need you to let go of your need to restrict calories, in order for them to function properly. You will recover, if you let your body go back into homeostasis. Listen to your body. It will tell you. You will feel yourself getting stronger when you allow beautiful things that are here to sustain your life, into you. That's what you can look foward to. Taking control means allowing yourself to experience life without the eating disorder. You give up your free will as soon as you deny yourself, and let the ED win. You have every right to live. Take control right now. Fight it. Look up "emotional regulation techniques". There's a way to get through this, but you have to help yourself.

    Sometimes with an ed, it takes hitting rock bottom to make a change. This is the time for you to make a change. This is that 'snap' of reality where you are for this moment slightly out of the reach of the disorder. You have to capitalise on this chance right now.

    <3

  5. #5
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    By the way, you say you're from the 'land of marmite'; you're not from Australia by any chance are you?

  6. #6
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Thanks for your replies, sorry it's taken me so long to reply back, just been really busy and tired.

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I'm so sorry, Berbs What can we do to help make things a little bit better for you?

    I don't know the answer to your question. I looked up whatever I could find online, but didn't find anything conclusive.
    Thanks Fidelia , I don't think there is anything anyone can do to make me feel better.

    Even being described as skeletal by close friends, or underweight by the doctors seems unable to shake this ingrained belief of mine that they are lying, for the sake of my feelings.

    I'm spending more time dedicated to trying to fight these thoughts daily than I am to anything else.

    I also looked up what I could, but there is so much scary information out there I had to stop myself for the panic it was creating in me.

    I think it will help just talking about it, I hope anyway.

    Quote Originally Posted by Maddy View Post
    I suffered from bouts of a confusing eating disorder (which I would now probably label bulimarexia) for about one and a half years. Considering that many people spend many years and years of their lives battling with an ED, I'm reluctant to ever classify mine as long term. I am young and I've seen many people around my age battle with similar behaviours.

    First off, I admire the openness of your post. Thank you. I must admit though, I feel a bit unqualified to be giving advice. Your ED had clearly been a much harder battle than mine ever was. Nevertheless I hope this response can be helpful to you in some way.

    Regarding the heart problems, don't panic too much about seeing the cardiologist or the feedback he/she will give you. Taking the appointment in the first place is a great step forward. When I was doing through the worst of my bulimic behaviours, I experienced some chest pain and also the erratic heart beats that you mentioned. I was too afraid to tell anyone and never did. After all, no one even knew what I was doing and I was very skilled at hiding it. Your heart is an incredibly resilient muscle. As your body strengthens your heart will strengthen too.
    Thanks for your reply Maddy and being so open with your own experiences of it, especially in light of it being such a secret part of you once. I appreciate it.

    Also glad to know the heart can be strengthened, I think thats the part I was most afraid of. It's discomforting to say the least, to feel so shaky and actually be aware of how different, erractic and uncomfortable my heartbeat feels at the moment. Almost everything is a strain right now. Walking up the stairs leaves me feeling exhausted, and of course my heart starts going insane.

    I know I'm responsible for doing this to myself, but its still a bit of a wake up call to feel how far I've taken it.

    I'm nervous about my appointment, but I know its going to set me on the right path afterwards.


    I particularly identified with this part of your post:


    This euphoric feeling that you mentioned will be key in overcoming your disorder. I experienced it too. For me there were two things that would give me that feeling: 1. feeling pure and weightless when you're completely empty of food, which was incredibly addictive, and 2. when I was throwing up.
    Its only recently that it developed more into an anorexic phase, I used to have a combination, so I starved, and purged if starving was too difficult, ie my hunger conquered me.

    Then I would make myself throw up, but I reached a stage where this was accompanied by blood, so I stopped doing that and relied solely on starving myself.

    I agree, the weightless feeling of being empty (and in control) is addictive. I was happy. Right now I feel full and bloated because of the drinks they gave me. I'm finding it really hard to cope with how full I feel. The emptiness makes me happier, so I'm not exactly a barrel of laughs at the moment.

    It's a fight to make myself drink the 600 calories, and the worst part is, I am sure the eating disorder clinic will be aiming to slowly increase that. Normal people eat 2000 calories a day as the recommended daily allowance, 2000 of them. I feel awful on just these 600.

    A vital thing to remember when dealing with EDs is that no case is ever the same. I researched bulimia when I began to admit that there was a problem and I got tons and tons of accounts from people who mentioned feeling self-loathing and disgust while they were purging and immediately after. I never felt like that. I felt almost calm and trance-like when I was purging, and immediately after I felt immense satisfaction. Most of the stories also mentioned purging to deal with the overwhelming sense of guilt after having filled up on indulgent foods. I didn't really identify with that either. When I binged, I did so with the clear intention of purging. I didn't care about the food or even really notice its taste. Food was just a stomach filler for me and brought me no pleasure. It was throwing up that gave me pleasure and an empowering sense of control.
    I can identify. I felt self loathing when I ate, if I successfully purged or starved I was ecstatic. I never filled up with indulgent foods though. I haven't eaten chocolate in more years than I can remember, or touched a cake for the same length. It was just normal food, quite miniscule portions tbh, but they still needed to go.


    People can fall into eating disorders for reasons as different as suppressing/indirectly dealing with past hurt and negative feelings, a cry for attention and help, PTSD, for control, just for something to do, competition dieting ... the list continues. Yours is completely unique and needs to be worked through. Most of the people I know who have overcome a serious ED didn't do so without some kind of therapy. Don't do it all yourself.

    The fact that you feel good when you're doing something that is doing you harm means that your brain has reworked its rewards system. I have a family friend who works as a specialist in a clinic dealing specifically with ED patients, esp. anorexia. Many of their methods for rehabilitating sufferers involve some kind of 'brain re-training'. One of the things they do with some of the girls at mealtime is, when they're eating their soup, they put them in these odd incubator-like things. It sounds strange, but what it does is allow the girls' brains to re-associate eating with a sense of warmth, protection and comfort.

    As for me, I overcame my ED in the same way that it existed - in secret. Looking back it would have probably been a lot easier had I worked through it with other people. When I reached the a point similar to what you mentioned - of just wanting out and not wanting to go on like this - I spent a long time feeling helpless on how I would stop myself. Expect relapses but expect recovery. I had to become very objective with myself. Treat yourself much like your own patient. I made myself eat all my meals in the company of others, which turned my pattern of secretive eating on its head. I shifted the control I sought in throwing up to planning meals instead. Though I became anal about portions and what I ate, at least I wasn't in the cycle of the b/p.

    Best of luck with recovery. It will come.
    I know I won't be able to do this alone, I'm caught between 17yrs worth of thinking this way, to a more recent realization that this way is wrong.

    I should be studying and finishing my newspaper articles for the college paper, but my mind is just running riot over my food intake.

    Thanks for your reply Maddy.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

  7. #7
    12 and a half weeks BerberElla's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hopelandic View Post
    Hi Ella *big hugs for you* how are you feeling? i'm sure it feels all like a bit of a whirlwind and you feel a little numb right now. Start journalling all your feelings every half hour. Stream of conscious. You need to reclaim your voice right -now-.
    Lol would you believe I have already started to journal it all pretty much right before I made this thread for advice? Great minds.


    I'll tell you a bit about my story, because it relates to heart problems.

    I was forced into hospitalisation age 16, after going to an eating disorder clinic inside a hospital. They told me that day I had an eating disorder (well, subtly), and after waiting a few hours for test results to come back in, they said I had to be hospitalised because my ecg (heart reading) was dangerously slow, and I was far too underweight (among other medical things; ketones, severe anemia, vitamin/mineral deficiencies etc). Luckily this was one of the view places in my country with an eating disorder clinic inside a hospital. Many people in there (usually 6-7 at a time) were hospitalised for the same reason; heart problems, too thin etc.

    I had a tube down my nose, and the first time I ever had that done was the first day I was hospitalised. I had to be on "bed rest" (i.e. not allowed to get off the bed) for about a week. I was attached to the feeding tube all day. Which is filled with that stuff you are required to drink.

    So yes Ella, you have every reason to take any heart issues you have very seriously. There is no need to be alarmed, but DO NOT hesitate to seek more advice from health care professionals if you feel weary about what's happening to you. My mother was turned away on numerous occasions to get someone to see me. Meanwhile, I was almost dead. If people turn you away, it's not your fault. You have every right to look after your own life, and it's not your fault if medical professionals out there don't take you seriously because of your illness. Medical professionals screw up. Now is the time to take the best care of yourself, and make sure that you put yourself in places where your concerns are met adequately, even if it means seeing other people and being turned away.
    Wow Hopelandic, sorry to hear about your own experiences with it , must have been quite frightening for you too. I did feel like the first hopsital visit was one in which my real issues were ignored, because all they did was put me on a drip for dehydration, even though I was underweight, they didn't test me for anything else, it was the second time, when my heart slowed down that they picked up on the rest. This is within weeks, I'm sure it should have been picked up sooner, but I guess busy hopsital, no time, no care.

    My GP has been great though, very aware of the issues and pushing to get the right things in place asap. The ED clinic has a waiting list, but he is trying to push through that for me.


    I have been hospitalised twice since then, and had several major anorexia episodes since then. I have also experienced a mixture of anorexia/bulimia. This has all been over the course of five years. I'm not going to say I'm fully physically recovered, it takes years of constant diligence to get through the water retention, tiredness etc.
    I can imagine. It takes years to get to a state in which hospitilization occurs, so its going to take years to overcome those thought patterns associated with this bloating I feel to fade out.

    I have avoided stepping on the scales and I;m wearing loose clothes to try to not affect my minimal control I have now. If anything feels like it is getting too tight, I know I will panic, if the scales show I am I gaining weight I will panic, and I can't afford to risk that right now. Or even mentally cope with the pressure that knowledge is going to put on me.


    However, I am quite sure I have recovered from my weakened heart you can make a healthy recovery, if you are willing to summon the effort to work really hard and to keep yourself stable and free from an eating disorder. Prevention is always better than a cure, and your heart being a muscle, can only take so much stress. You can and will recover, if you are brave and allow yourself to be healthy. Your heart needs nutrients. Your heart needs you to feed it, just like your brain does. It needs nutrients and vitamins. Your organs need you to let go of your need to restrict calories, in order for them to function properly. You will recover, if you let your body go back into homeostasis. Listen to your body. It will tell you. You will feel yourself getting stronger when you allow beautiful things that are here to sustain your life, into you. That's what you can look foward to. Taking control means allowing yourself to experience life without the eating disorder. You give up your free will as soon as you deny yourself, and let the ED win. You have every right to live. Take control right now. Fight it. Look up "emotional regulation techniques". There's a way to get through this, but you have to help yourself.

    Sometimes with an ed, it takes hitting rock bottom to make a change. This is the time for you to make a change. This is that 'snap' of reality where you are for this moment slightly out of the reach of the disorder. You have to capitalise on this chance right now.

    <3
    I am glad to hear your heart got stronger again, thats my aim now. Thank you for your positive post, its given me hope that I can recover fully. Even if it does take time.

    Right now though, I'm going to go back to trying to ignore that feeling of being too full that this drink is doing to me . I wonder how long it takes to adjust to an increased calorie intake.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hopelandic View Post
    By the way, you say you're from the 'land of marmite'; you're not from Australia by any chance are you?
    Umm, no I;m from the UK, lol maybe I should have researched the origins of marmite before associating it with the UK.

    Thanks again for the replies people, it was helpful to hear of your experiences, so thank you for sharing them with me.
    Echo - "So are you trying to say she is Evil"

    DeWitt - "Something far worse, she's an Idealist"

    Berb's Johari Berb's Nohari

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