So to preface this I am a NON PETITE asian woman. I was always one of the biggest kids (girl or boy) in my classes in the states. I was tall and athletically built and always ran in races or else won athletic competitions. I was a STRONG kid.
Granted, if I were Nordic and living in Viking Times or even still Asian and in Ghengis Khan times, this might have made me a valuable commodity. But, in today's day and age, this basically meant I would have HORRIFIC body image issues through well...hmm...I'll tell you when it's over.
With an old-school Asian family, I was encouraged to starve and would have food withheld from me in highschool. Girls who were 5'8 and 110 lbs would bring carrot sticks to school for their 'diets' and girls would talk about every little thing they ate that day (I went to highschool in a big city in Asia). I was reminded often how fat and unnattractive I was.
My weight fluctuated from age 15-25 and my size would go up and down from a 5/7 junior's to a 15+ In laymen's terms I've been 123 lbs to 160 lbs at this height in my lifetime. I was also a 36 D for a time because of the weight (yes, I am built that unusually for an Asian) In the past 5 years I slowly gained weight every year until I looked in the mirror and saw a lumpy middle aged mother of 2 -- but I wasn't middle-aged and I had never had children. But that's what my body looked like to me. And that's not a dis to actual mothers, I know you look MUCH better than I did -- I just didn't recognize myself.
What is the point of this post?
I lost 25 lbs this year! I thought I would never do it. I honest to God thought that life was prematurely over and I had morphed into a heavy frumpy unhappy person. Except no one knew the extent of my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with myself.
And now that I have lost weight, I realize that I teeter between missing the familiarity of my old self and paranoia that I am 'destined' to be fat and unhappy and have only temporarily stopped the impending pendulum swing back to being fat.
I miss seeing my bigger self. When I gain weight, I feel like I fill out some clothes better. I miss my butt. I miss my chest. I realize I had a lot of myself in that weight I shed. Just like some people feel cutting off your hair is cathartic and 'let's go' of karma and emotions, I swear I lost a lot of hormones and memories with the fat I lost and my personality has really changed...
I miss myself. I miss my fat. I'm scared that even with the weight loss it's still not 'good enough', it was a fluke, and I'm STILL not as attractive as I should be.
Does anyone understand what I'm talking about?
I think this happens when you hang all your hopes on 1 'magic flaw' like being bald or overweight or broke. I've been infomercialized into thinking this weight loss would solve EVERYTHING and I would be this successful ravishing happy person who attracted wealth and power and sex.
So...um...seriously where's the party??
I miss the familiarity of me and it's strange having to readjust to this new self and new life. I don't know what others' expectatiosn of me are, it's somewhat exhilarating. A fresh start. Also strange because where is my reference point?
Everyone talks about being SO HAPPY when they finally lose weight, but no one talks about the mourning, the loss of equilibrium, the quiet periods of introspection where you really have to wonder what it means that people are more attracted to you just because you fit into smaller jeans. Are people shallow? Or just you? And ladies, both men and women WILL treat you BETTER when you drop to the 'standard' weight or lighter for your height, which is generally a 4/6 women's for someone 5'4 and over such as myself.
I swear I'm tempted sometimes to gorge myself to get the weight back on. Then I'd be fat and unhappy again, but at least I would feel comforted in a coccoon of excuses and self-pity. And then I would have another hurdle to jump over (dieting again)
Okay, so that's my rant. I totally started out meaning to celebrate other folks who deal with gaining and losing weight. But it turned into something else...kind of like my body undergoing weight loss.