I don't know if you understand.
I started this trying to outrun my inevitable genetics. I ended up only seeing that my body reflects badly on my character.
I have this issue, too. My returns have begun to diminish, so I asked my coach if he had any ideas on how to handle my waning motivation. He responded by asking me, "Does it really matter if you eat a nutritious diet? Why does it matter what you eat?"
I initially started off saying something that amounted to parroting facts pulled from a school text book. Once I realized what I was doing, I really asked myself WHY it was important that I eat nutritious food. Do you know what? Deprived of my trite rationalizations, I couldn't think of a single reason why it was really important that I eat right.
So I ran an experiment, and asked myself, "Why does it NOT matter what I eat?" After asking myself that, my mind bombarded me with answers:
I am an idiot for getting this way, and I deserve to stay that way.
It's too late, I'm already fat. No point fixing it now.
Afternoon naps due to sugar crashes don't bother me, because it's not like I was planning on doing anything that excited me anyway. (That one REALLY bothers me.)
I have failed every other time I tried to lose weight, will probably fail again, and am only stressing myself out.
I don't deserve to be healthy and happy.
... Oh, and the list went on. No wonder I've struggled for so long. I have more reasons for wanting to stay fat than I do for losing the weight.
I'm not saying that this is your issue... what I guess I'm trying to say, Hap, is that I do somewhat understand, although I won't claim to fully get it. However, I'm powerless to really offer great advice, because I'm still in it, too.
The biggest thing I have going for me, though, is that
I will not give up. I'm going to keep on fighting until I get the ending I ultimately want. In the end, you don't have to succeed right away as long as you are persistent enough.
It's a stupid fucking ugly gluttonous consumerist American stupid fucking ugly body I have, and I don't deserve to eat because of it, and I shouldn't subject others to it because it's exactly as I say. I don't deserve medical care I don't deserve a job I don't deserve anything. I disgust myself because my body says I have absolutely no self control and I believe it. And every time I hear about parents teaching children bad eating habits, I look at my dad and my brother who eat horribly and are really fat, and my mother who eats the best out of both of us, and exercises the most out of all of us, and does the most work, and she's STILL. REALLY. FAT, so she must be doing some kind of terrible sin to deserve her fatness that I don't know about.
I know that it's painful and frustrating, but it's very rare that I see people willing to be so honest about their demons and frustrations. That's a HUGE step in conquering them.