It was quite regular thing for me to do .. arranging some bills, managing money on my bank accounts, making some calls to customer service to settle some billing issues. I've been unemployed and the money from my latest jobs hasn't been paid yet. I was under a small stress due to having to move out from my apartment in unknown time, so I paid extra attention to my financial issues. I had taken a gram of caffeine to handle the days work.
It started slow but escalated. I went into some kind of a stress mode, searching for jobs on the web, planning to do double, triple job today to secure my finances. Then I went into some kind of small panic in my mind (behaved rationally, emotions did not go overboard), feeling increasing anxiety and alienation from my mind. I recognized the feeling - same as immediately prior, and somewhat after my major burnout few years ago.
Now I am a much more learned man nowadays, more knowledgeable about my mind, and I was able to keep my panic very, very calm. Then I noticed after some time that even tho I was absolutely clear in my mind to do only reasonable, responsible things, my brain was like firing neurons all over the place and I realized: I was under some "silent alarm", panic mode, however relatively calm - I could not access the parts of my brain that would have calmed me completely and made me able to resume my thinking. It was like I would have been taken away the ability to trust the future for longer than 5 minutes into the future. I was unable to start writing my CV, even tho I had it almost finished from last time, as I felt something more urgent had to be done.. I could not bring myself down to the level to concentrate 15 minutes to write a resume in a calm silent fashion.
I remembered having decided that I will consider extreme possibilities to make the best of my life that I can.
I called my mother and asked if she knew me to have any mental ilnesses, and be straightforward with it.
The answer: bi-polar disorder.
I had been suggested such possibility a few times, but dismissed it as unthinkable, too terrible, too stigmatizing.. and I also had found the times of cycle changes to coincide with major life events, which I used to explain burn-outs, good times and bad times. Those, plus my then- MBTI type of ENFP.
I've functioned at half capacity 3 of the last 6 years. I had understood that I had a major life issue, a mental disorder of some type. Burn-out was probably real. Depression has been. My high-functioning time has believably been that of hypomania.
It's evening now. I'm starting to get calm, I do not feel the desire to use any substances, not the need to hate my life, not a need to burst into rapid, desperate action. My planning skills have come back and I've calmed.
They project low satisfaction for spouses of BPD cases.. twice the mortality for the people themselves. I'll seek for professional diagnosis.. last shrink proposed this diagnosis as a possibility for me.
There's nothing in the world that I object as much as taking psychoactive substances that will reduce my functioning. I am extremely happy in how my brains work for good 99,99% of the time, thank you for asking. I'm only bothered with the external-world tasks that I dont always do on time; otherwise I'm fine. The last thing I would want is to have some meds to screw up my brains. If the alternatives are living on the street and being able to support myself, I'll take the meds. If I just know it will happen. I do not want a shell of a mind where I dont recognize myself.