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  1. #21
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Udog View Post
    Sometimes it's not an option, and it's a heartbreaking decision. As the child that works full time, it can literally become impossible to provide the level of care the parent requires. Then, if you add parent/child dynamics into the mix, it becomes a physical and emotional nightmare.

    Of course, my boss told me of a [big name] Nascar driver who had his father in the horrible Medicaid nursing home in the area. My boss' wife works there as nurse (she is responsible for 70+ patients), and would see him there occasionally. This dude earns a ton of money through Nascar, and he could easily afford a better place. THAT, I admit, is pretty rotten.
    Yeah, I agree.

    There are good ones out there but you have to pay big money for them.

    I recently called one and they wanted a $99K entrance fee and you had to prove the person being admitted to the facility has at least $450K worth of assets (not including any homes) as a financial qualifier. This is a top rate facility with good care, one of the best in the state but people unable to afford such places have to deal with whatever their health insurance, Medicare, and Medicaid will approve.

    Just dealing with the staff at the facilities is emotionally and mentally exhausting and for me it makes me angry to know my family has limited options. Some staff do care and if you can make bonds with those who do you'll get better service. But mostly, for the lower quality facilities, these are systemic problems embedded in the structure of the facility. And they'll always have full beds because they're cheaper. The DON at my mother's facility said outright to my family and I that she didn't care what Medicare.gov ranked her facility and if we wanted better treatment we should go somewhere else. You have to ride these people so hard just to do basic care. Not to mention the lower quality facilities are the most dismal and depressing places to be in. The people there sit in their wheelchairs or laying in their beds looking hopeless, they smell, they don't eat their food, so much going wrong. It's so obvious many of them have lost their spirit and are waiting to die. Very non-responsive and passive.

    My family and I just have to joke about it to keep from completely tanking. We get crème de la crème of the worst facility!

    Thank God, my mother isn't there permanently. In a twisted way, I'm happy that I've been exposed to this so I can know what decisions to make for myself and my loved ones if this should happen again. I really think I've found a passion in elder care. Nobody wants to deal with the ugliness of end-of-life care. It's a serious reality check.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
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  2. #22
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    ^ Hey seeing this bumped made me wonder how you'd been with it all, so I'm glad to hear it's turning out as well as can be expected given the circumstances.
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  3. #23
    Senior Member prplchknz's Avatar
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    I wonder if it's because we no longer view the elderly as wise like we use to. Now we view them as burdens, so not many people care enough to make an elderly person's life worth living even if it's the last few months they're alive. It's probably because as a whole we've become apathetic, think about it, if someone attacks you in a public place or you have a heart attack in the middle of a busy street and collapse on the sidewalk most people will just ignore you. And that's sad, I wonder how we got this way. And is it possibly for us to change? or has society ingrained too much paranoia in us?
    In no likes experiment.

    that is all

    i dunno what else to say so

  4. #24
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by prplchknz View Post
    It's probably because as a whole we've become apathetic, think about it, if someone attacks you in a public place or you have a heart attack in the middle of a busy street and collapse on the sidewalk most people will just ignore you. And that's sad, I wonder how we got this way. And is it possibly for us to change? or has society ingrained too much paranoia in us?
    I don't find that attitude surprising. Even look at the forum, a good portion of people here admit that they can't even stand to talk to the cashier at the grocery store or make "small talk" with people they come into contact with. Someone smiles and says hello? Watch out now!

    How do you think a sense of community and responsibility to fellow humans is fostered if people can't even do that much? There has to be a starting point somewhere. People have learned to mind their own business and keep their eyes in front of them. So when an attitude like that becomes entrenched what do you expect to happen?
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
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  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by prplchknz View Post
    I wonder if it's because we no longer view the elderly as wise like we use to. Now we view them as burdens, so not many people care enough to make an elderly person's life worth living even if it's the last few months they're alive. It's probably because as a whole we've become apathetic, think about it, if someone attacks you in a public place or you have a heart attack in the middle of a busy street and collapse on the sidewalk most people will just ignore you.
    There are many different reasons. And I think you are right.

    Quote Originally Posted by prplchknz View Post
    I wonder how we got this way. And is it possibly for us to change? or has society ingrained too much paranoia in us?
    I think the increased pace at which technology has developed since the early 20th century has a lot to do with it. Remember, not too long ago, most people lived their whole lives and died within a few miles of their relatives. Now people from the same family can be scattered all over the earth and even though they can talk to each other every day, it's out of sight, out of mind. You can get all your information/entertainment/food from sources inside your own home, and never have to interact with another human. Societal developments haven't kept pace with technology.

    And the elderly are now paying the price for the success of technology they developed.

  6. #26
    I'm a star. Kangirl's Avatar
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    Those participating in this thread may be interested in this article by AA Gill, published last week in the UK Times. It's beautifully written, and heartbreaking: Old age: state care homes are the final resort - Times Online

    We have a problem with old age, a huge problem. If we arbitrarily cut the birthday cake at 65, then that makes the old 16% of the population, which will rise to 22% by 2031. The old use up more than 40% of the national health budget. But the old aren’t the problem — it’s the rest of us. It’s you and I that have the problem. It’s our collective refusal to look at the old, to be in a room with them, to ask them into our lives. The great terror of our age is age. We would rather consign the old to a netherworld, a waiting room where they are out of mind and out of sight. The fear is plainly not of the old: it is that we will become them. The old are the zombies at the end of our own home horror movies.
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  7. #27
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    It’s our collective refusal to look at the old, to be in a room with them, to ask them into our lives. The great terror of our age is age. We would rather consign the old to a netherworld, a waiting room where they are out of mind and out of sight. The fear is plainly not of the old: it is that we will become them. The old are the zombies at the end of our own home horror movies.
    That's a really good article.

    It's hard to confront your own mortality. And not a quick and sudden death, but maybe spending the last 20 years of your life aging. Not getting old, just aging. Nobody wants to think that may be their future. It's so so hard to really sit and make yourself deal with it and ask "could that be me? Why couldn't it be? What can I do to not make it be? Is it even within my power to do so?"

    Then there are socioeconomic factors at play not to mention that you have one body that's yours to protect and nurture; sometimes it's purely genetics...you can't prevent cancer, you can't prevent heart disease, or diabetes. You can eat right and exercise but that's no guarantee you won't be seriously ill when you get older.

    Then, you have to think about who will take care of you and if they will take care of you. Sometimes I think some of the people decaying in nursing homes have karma has come to their doorstep. Maybe they mistreated their loved ones and this is their retribution. Sitting alone in a nursing home, dying.

    It's heavy stuff to think about so many people don't think about it till it's tapping them on the shoulder. Education is always such a powerful weapon against fear. I've found it more soothing to know than not to know.

    This article is definitely connected to that article:

    Generation Diva

    Reared on reality TV and celebrity makeovers, girls as young as Marleigh are using beauty products earlier, spending more and still feeling worse about themselves. Four years ago, a survey by the NPD Group showed that, on average, women began using beauty products at 17. Today, the average is 13—and that's got to be an overstatement. According to market-research firm Experian, 43 percent of 6- to 9-year-olds are already using lipstick or lip gloss; 38 percent use hairstyling products; and 12 percent use other cosmetics. And the level of interest is making the girls of "Toddlers & Tiaras" look ordinary.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  8. #28
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    Then, you have to think about who will take care of you and if they will take care of you. Sometimes I think some of the people decaying in nursing homes have karma has come to their doorstep. Maybe they mistreated their loved ones and this is their retribution. Sitting alone in a nursing home, dying.
    This is very sad, but also very true. I've seen it in my family, and I've seen it with several people I've talked to.

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