When i was around 13/14 I sort of had these reoccurring suicidal thoughts. I didn't want to die but I would just get these thoughts about how I could do it and I wouldn't be able to get them out of my head. I got scared because I felt like it was inevitable. but it went away.
When I went to college I was in a very bad mental space. I lived in a high rise and my desk faced directly into this 9 story high window. There were a couple times when I felt really compelled to jump out. When that happened I would either cover the window or go to the stairwell .
Now I think about it much less frequently be it still pops up.
I have them now and again, in phases, maybe ranging from a few times a week to a few times a month. However I don't take them seriously or dwell on them, I dismiss them as absurd thought artifacts.
I used to have them seriously all the time, but after learning how to dismiss them it's almost like I don't anymore, but I'm becoming self aware enough to realize what I also think about and subsequently dismiss - like stuff that I'd believe I don't think because I forget about it.
Haven't really had any for around seven years or so. Thank God. I don't miss not being being my happy thought.
Crazy thing is that the cure, for me, was money. That's a hard thing for an INFJ to accept, let me tell you.
“There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.” ~ John Rogers
I've only seriously contemplated suicide once, but it was one of those "if you start on this med and suddenly have suicidal thoughts" type of deal. Other than that, a lot of times I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. (Not right this minute, don't want a million worried reps!.) It sometimes lasts for months at a time...Wake up disappointed that I woke up, (generally sleep all day in those cases anyway). Had some pretty self destructive behaviors that aimed towards numbing myself and didn't care about my body at all, have had my mind consumed with death and being dead. I can't really pin down an average over time so I said "once a year or more" though that's not even really accurate since I only truly considered the act of suicide once. I find it interesting that it is so common, but maybe people who think about these things more are more likely to respond. My belief system is just too against it and it's too selfish, I've pictured it ruining my mother's life most of all.
06/13 10:51:03 five sounds: you!!!
06/13 10:51:08 shortnsweet: no you!!
06/13 10:51:12 shortnsweet: go do your things and my things too!
06/13 10:51:23 five sounds: oh hell naw
06/13 10:51:55 shortnsweet: !!!!
06/13 10:51:57 shortnsweet: (cries)
06/13 10:52:19 RiftsWRX: You two are like furbies stuck in a shoe box
I had these thoughts in a very depressing period many years ago. They just deepened and deepened and didn't go away, so I decided to try something that will solve the situation one way or the other for all eternity. It worked and I haven't seriously considered suicide ever since. I wouldn't want to have those feelings or that experience ever again.
So what did I decide? Basically that every time I feel depressed I'll increase the use of any & all viable coping mechanisms even though I'd rather feel like giving up.
Just yesterday I was watching a video on becoming old and I was like "man, why exactly am I not going to end it again?"...
Every week I have to consciously remind myself of the reasons I drew up for why I would not kill myself.
"I swear to god I just want to slit my wrists and end this bullshit, throw the magnum to my head threaten to pull shit....and squeeze, until the bed's, completely red, I'm glad I'm dead, a worthless fucking buddha head...the stress is building up, I can't, I can't believe suicide's on my fucking mind, I wan't to leave, I swear to god it feel like death is fucking calling me, but, naw, you wouldn't understand..."