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  1. #1
    Junior Member wallflour's Avatar
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    Default Talking to someone about feelings

    Hey everyone, I understand everyone prefers different modes of communication, so I’m curious when you’re talking about your feelings, do you prefer

    a.) someone who asks you questions that leads you to discovering new/more dimensions of the experience on your own

    b.) someone who validates them, including relating personally to your experience

    c.) someone who provides their analysis on your experience (not to judge/invalidate, but to offer possibilities that you might have missed)

    d.) someone to treat your experience lightheartedly, thereby minimizing the entire experience

    e.) someone to offer (practical) solutions

    Oh, and stating your MBTI type would be helpful!
    Feel free to expand, elaborate on how it depends, etc.
    Or add communication modes I might have missed.

    I’m also extra curious if (c) grates on anyone, since I did that recently to a friend who expressed uncertainty about her experience and she later pulled this out as an example of how I come off as a “thinker” because other people would have asked, “Oh, so how did you feel?” or try to relate by giving a personal experience, etc. That’s when I realized, oh, she probably would have appreciated those routes more… ): leaving me to wonder if someone else might have appreciated a “thinker response” or if it’s generally not preferred .-. I think I might have been able to frame what I said differently, into questions, so we could have engaged in a more back-and-forth manner, and that would have been better - similar to (a)?



    edit: oops, wrong subforum, I think?

  2. #2
    Mastermind Fieldmarshal Sacrophagus's Avatar
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    I'm selfish in that department in a way I want to own my feelings, dissect them, and comprehend them to understand who I am and get in touch with my deeply rooted concepts of drive, conflict, defense, ideas and values, relevance and ambiguity, all according to psychodynamic therapy.

    It's the socratic discourse where you're holding a dialectic conversation with yourself. It also pertains to a philosophy of detachment. You detach yourself from needing someone to validate your emotions, nor to nurture them, and you raise your awareness to the knowledge that you are more than enough.
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  3. #3
    Clean Slate CitizenErased's Avatar
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    INTP here.

    In the rare occasions in which I share my feelings (which I describe with metaphors, or as ideas), I think I prefer A. If, as you said, discover more of the experience on my own, it's like having more control over it, and then being able to analyze it better. being asked questions that I wouldn't have thinked of not only makes me wiser, because I'll add them to the self-analysis next time, but also makes me organize the information in my brain differently (like in smaller units, it's difficult to explain).

    I don't mind C or E, as long as it's someone I really trust to be like-minded and understand my problems fully; someone whose advice/points of view I trust.

    I wouldn't like B or D. B, because I feel it's more sympathy than actual help, and that makes me feel they don't really understand what you're telling them and their words are just pats in the back. D because I'd assume the other person thinks I'm overreacting, and if I open up, it's because I want to be taken at face value.

    When I'm the friend who listens to others' feelings, I tend to mix A and C (in the form of E). I ask questions to make sure I understand the problem/situation, and then elaborate a mini summary of what I think the problem is and what its consequences are. If the other person agrees that I've understood correctly, I proceed to find solutions.
    MBTI: INTP (though I'm PINT-sized) * Ti = Ne > Fi > Ni > Si > Te = Se >>> Fe
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  4. #4
    Google of Samuel Larsen JazzyLarsen's Avatar
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    xNFP of some sort here, leaning toward ENFP.

    a.) someone who asks you questions that leads you to discovering new/more dimensions of the experience on your own: I do like this. Sometimes it makes me think of things I never thought of before. It can help me piece all of it together. I do not always presently think to offer this to someone else as well though.

    b.) someone who validates them, including relating personally to your experience: This is often how I try to console people. I let them know they're not alone, someone else felt this too. I like this too if someone can offer it to me.

    c.) someone who provides their analysis on your experience (not to judge/invalidate, but to offer possibilities that you might have missed): I don't really do this but I have an appreciation for someone who does. Sometimes we need someone to put it in a bigger perspective for us to understand a piece we are missing. Something like this is often a reason I would bring up a trouble I have with another person, up to someone. I want them to see both sides and try to offer another side.

    d.) someone to treat your experience lightheartedly, thereby minimizing the entire experience: I don't do this. I hate when people do this to me.

    e.) someone to offer practical solutions: I often do this as well. I like when people can offer me solutions, but usually I prefer it if I ask for them.
    my Johari: http://kevan.org/johari?view=jazzylarsen
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  5. #5
    abcdenfp Abcdenfp's Avatar
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    a.) someone who asks you questions that leads you to discovering new/more dimensions of the experience on your own
    this to me is ideal, I'm not interested in you solving the problem, and diminishing my feelings really kills my soul. But if you can peel back a layer to the onion for me I want to have you as a friend, I'm not interested in judging you or you feeding me dreams but raveal something that I hadn't seen, im all in, friend , foe doesn't matter.
    Last edited by Abcdenfp; 07-28-2017 at 10:22 AM.

  6. #6
    SpaceCadetGoldStarBrigade Population: 1's Avatar
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    INFP I tend not to share. I analyze and then analyze some more. Most of the feelings being dealt with openly are those of my friends. Just because I understand feelings and help others with them doesn't mean I want to share mine too often. They're deep* and private. That being said I don't judge others for sharing as we all tend to deal with them differently.

    *By deep I don't mean incomprehensible to others. I hate when people claim they're too deep to be understood. I mean they run deep into parts of myself I let very few people see.
    To give real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity. Douglas Adams
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  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Abcdenfp View Post
    a.) someone who asks you questions that leads you to discovering new/more dimensions of the experience on your own
    this to me is ideal, I'm not interested in you solving the problem, and diminishing my feelings really kills my soul. But if you can peel back a layer to the onion for me I want to have you as a friend, I'm not interested in judging you or you feeding me dreams but revel something that I hadn't seen, im all in, friend , foe doesn't matter.
    We all walk our own lives, are our own person, and make our own decisions.

    Its feeding a man vs teaching a man how to fish. ENFPs are ALL about learning how to fish. Its actually that shallow Ne side that just wants to run with knowledge as opposed to getting to bogged down in the shit that is everywhere.
    Im out, its been fun
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  8. #8
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    f) listen as i am so bogged down i am venting. Venting doesnt make me feel better, so once done...lets do something enjoyable and the solution will reveal itself as time goes on.
    Im out, its been fun

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Population: 1 View Post
    INFP I tend not to share. I analyze and then analyze some more. Most of the feelings being dealt with openly are those of my friends. Just because I understand feelings and help others with them doesn't mean I want to share mine too often. They're deep* and private. That being said I don't judge others for sharing as we all tend to deal with them differently.

    *By deep I don't mean incomprehensible to others. I hate when people claim they're too deep to be understood. I mean they run deep into parts of myself I let very few people see.
    ^^^I AGREE WITH ALL OF THE ABOVE.

    I read once somewhere that private people have a way of making others think that they know them when they really don't. I'm this way, and I don't know if it's a traditionally INFP trait. We have the tendency to wholly listen to others, and then remain reticent when it comes to ourselves. I will only tell my true feelings if someone asks me directly, and even then, I might be evasive.
    "The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater." --J.R.R. Tolkien

  10. #10
    SpaceCadetGoldStarBrigade Population: 1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lucy_Ricardo View Post
    I don't know if it's a traditionally INFP trait.
    There seems to be this mythical version of INFPs that is often promoted. The one where we're soft and fluffy and just dying to run up to strangers and tell them how we feel. My closest friends have told me they feel that I'm keeping them at arms length most of the time. That I'm warm and friendly but guard against prying into anything that deeply effects me. They become frustrated that they share so much only to feel the gesture isn't reciprocated.
    To give real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity. Douglas Adams

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