Bullying

[substitute]

or you could just change your mind and decide you don't really care that much anyway.

I can go either way, TBH... you know how it is... whatever happens, it's workable...

I do though, really... cos all said and done it's my little baby that's getting bullied so any info that can give me insight into the best way of helping/supporting is not gonna be met with indifference...

 

[ptgatsby]

I do though, really... cos all said and done it's my little baby that's getting bullied so any info that can give me insight into the best way of helping/supporting is not gonna be met with indifference...

The big statistics won't really help you anyway.

I can offer the normal advice.

1) Make sure to offer comfort and support. Do not get angry at the situation. Remember that the child is suffering from a lack of power and will tend to feel helpless. You must offer support to help reduce that. Plus, then you can keep track and build them up, rather than isolate them.

2) There is a really bad cycle, most notable in introverts, about keeping emotions bottled up. This can come out in very strange behavior. Keep a careful watch for this - mood swings, violence, outbursts... Not always easy to see in children, but... do watch for it. If that is the case, it is time to sit them down and ask them to tell you what is happening. And more to the point, follow #1 very well, but make sure you get details.

3) The three major points to consider.
i) Don't make them feel different - that is, tell them lots of people get bullied, etc
ii) Don't give a reason why they are being targeted. Or that anything else is wrong with them, or that they invited it. In any way.
iii) Be careful with the advice you give a kid - think what about what you are saying literally, because they will act without understanding the big picture. This is where it is not advised to tell a kid to be violent, or to fight. It works, but only in the right context - and the wrong context can put your child in danger.

That last one is the tricky one. Yes, it is true that standing up to a bully can end it, and frequently does. But at the same time, the child doesn't understand limits, and if they aren't standing up for themselves and just attack someone, it can escalate.

One method that may work (I don't know your daughter/relationship with her/etc) is to ask her to tell you what they did today. Share your own experiences, validate her, then tell her you are proud of how she handled it.

Assuming the bullying isn't too bad, this might be enough to break the routine. And don't explain why this will break the routine, either. Just go through the motions, build her up and remove any trace of guilt/personal blame that she puts on herself. Build her up.

 

[IlyaK1986]

Kid getting bullied? Teach them Krav Maga. Kick between legs, punch to temple/back of head, choke, etc...

Bullies bully people that don't fight back. Once that bully gets his ass whooped, he won't come back.

 

[LostInNerSpace]

Kid getting bullied? Teach them Krav Maga. Kick between legs, punch to temple/back of head, choke, etc...

Bullies bully people that don't fight back. Once that bully gets his ass whooped, he won't come back.

This is extreme. You don't want to kill them. You don't even have to use physical force, unless it is in self-defense.

 

[celesul]

I was not the typical victim of a bully, being kinda hyper and happy and sociable, but in 2nd grade, I ended up standing up for the kid who was getting bullied, but I did it in a way that didn't work, at all. I said it wasn't nice to be mean to her. Well... after that, I became their new victim, and the kid I defended found a little side group of kids who weren't popular, but weren't outcasts. But no one would associate with the kid who was being bullied, of fear of the same thing happening. So, for that entire year, not one kid in the grade would say anything nice to me at school. Away from school, most of them would be okay, but they ignored me in school, and the bullies taunted. What really made it bad though, was that the teachers completely ignored it. Eventually, my mom told the teacher to do something. The moron suggested that it was my fault, and that I see a psychiatrist, and they had little things once a week, once for the bullied to talk about their feelings, the other for the bullies. Apparently they didn't want to hurt the bullies feelings. Bah. So they did nothing to help at all, rather, they made it worse.

So, my mom decided that she would send me to a different school. The teacher at the school I was going to at the time said that it was a bad idea, that I needed to learn how to socialize. Mom, seeing how miserable I was, decided to send me to a different school, and if that didn't work, then do something else. I did manage to convince her eventually that I didn't want to go to the psychiatrist, cause it was boring.

Anyway, the teachers at the new school (which is, amusingly, full of the ultra-wealthy) didn't tolerate the same junk. In their opinion, if a kid was bullying another, they were being a brat and ought to be punished. So, they lost recess and such if they were being obnoxious, and their parents actually yelled at them if they found they were bullies, unlike the ones at the other school, who insisted that their angels would never do such a thing. I did have a lot of self-confidence issues through middle school though, as a result, and I didn't make friends easily.

I did learn how to deal with bullies though. No one at my current school has tried to bully me, but some have attempted to be nasty to my friend. She never reacted, but it pissed me off. I recall saying something to a nasty little bully, when she commented on the ugliness of my friend's pants, about how if she had enough time to analyze my friend's pants that she had way too much time on her hands, and that she ought to get a few friends, and a life. It did work.

Essentially, in my experience, one needs to be clever in responding to bullies. Saying something about how it's not nice will make it worse, but making the bully feel dumb usually deters them. But it only needs to be said when they cause trouble, not any more than that. Most little girls get teased about how they look or what they wear, so it's very easy to tell them that one is flattered that the bully is so drawn to them that they must stare. It's quite funny really ^.^ A smart bully can respond well enough to it, but their crowd usually laughs at the comment. And the approval of the crowd makes one a bad target. Being aggressively polite also works.

 

[Anja]

I like the idea of encouraging the child to be genuine and then supporting that.

 

[LostInNerSpace]

Essentially, in my experience, one needs to be clever in responding to bullies.

Yep

I like the idea of encouraging the child to be genuine and then supporting that.

The bully? That's a recipe for more bullying.

 

[GinKuusouka]

I would suggest to be there to support her and love her. I'm sure that you're an amazing father who does this already. Remind her of her strong points and maybe practice scenarios with her. Or something else that might better work with her personality. Perhaps teach her self-defense if it's needed. Just a few basic moves, as long as you feel she's responsible enough for it. There's a good chance that a bully around that age wouldn't know something like that. Most bullies tend to cower when faced with a challenge that they hadn't noticed before. And this does come from my own experiences, just a bit. My own father wasn't supportive. He was one who tried to bully me. Along with classmates and my brother. And I wish that I'd had support for it. So, love your daughter and quite possibly ask if she has any preferences out of some ideas. Maybe you two can come up with something awesome.

 

[Rainman]

To the OP (new and can't be bothered to read the other posts so ignore me if I happen to tread old ground)

I was never a bully nor bullied. I had a few racist taunts back in school but nothing that went unpunished by giving the offender a good clip round the ear. It was never cool to go running to teachers and blabbing about your latest predator. Besides, I knew I could tell a teacher but there's no way that would satisfy my anger at the time so a good bop on the head would do me fine as they wouldn't be able to tell the teacher why I wacked them in the first place. I think preventing bullying is all about how you hold yourself in confrontation sometimes it necessary to give someone a good beating if they get rude. Or thinking about it actually ask the 'ringleader' why they do what they do but in private. I'm sure they would refrain from bullying if confronted on a moral basis. Or, form your own gang and start an interschool gang war. I guess what I'm trying to say is if you can't talk your way out of trouble, get to boxing your way out. It doesn't take alot to earn a bullies respect once you give them a good shot on the nose.

 

[Edgar]

heart - I relate to what you say. The solutions they tell you about such as ignoring them - doesn't work; standing up for yourself - they laugh at you or you get beaten to a pulp because they outnumber you; telling the teacher - they hit you all the harder when the teacher's gone... none of these things work.

You can only be effectively bullied if you are isolated. When you are in a group of friends, you cannot be as easily intimidated, and even if all your friends are wussies who can't provide adequate protection for themselves through the strength of numbers, at least you have the group's emotional support when you all get wedgies at the same time.

So tell your daughter to find a group of friends that always stick to each other. You can help her bond with her new dork friends by hosting Magic: The Gathering party in your house's basement.

Also, groups of four usually make the best dynamic.

 

[Riva]

i used to get bullied a lot at school. A LOT. up to point where the only thing i was able to do was NOT TALK TO ANYONE.

my health went down
i stopped my society activities( some of the popular kids were there)
i stopped playing cricket

AND I STOPPED BELIEVING IN GOD.

every day, every bloody day i used to get bullied at school, and the only thing i prayed for at high-school was to make the bullies stop bullying me(i am pathetic isnt it???????????????).

thats the only thing i asked for. and he didnt even give me that. huh, THE ALMIGHTY GOD.

 

[Sandmountain]

when I whas young I always whas checking if I whas acting cool or if I whas fitting in...
so I gave my power away too the world outside.I gave my power to the reactions,
to the people I didn't liked,isn't that weard?!
I whas always saying non verbal, ' please judge me people I don't like'
good or bad.... it wasn't helping me
I created self images/values of myself in my head, and over time I valued the opinions about myself more than opinions of others good or bad.
If you have a stong sence of yourself than you don't even hear the negative commands and than you can ignore the bullying because it doesn't has value to yourself.
Now I can ignore whatever I want or laugh at it...

The bully whants a emotional reaction or a sighn that he is high status like a sign,
hey am I the leader?.. if you don't react to it than he doesn't know were he stands..
if you try not to react what are you doing than? yes reacting...

the way of acting is really indiffrence on a high level....

I have 2 options for myself..
1.Indiffrence
2.personal boundarie

you have to work on yourself!
know your values and personal boundaries
I want to be threaten respectfull,if some one doesn't I have to show them m personal boundarie, because I know if they don't threat me respectfull it's thear issue of being not mature....

I hope it's something usefull it whas for me..

 

[tibby]

I'd like if people here could talk about their experiences of bullying, and if anyone's found a way to deal with it, what is it?

I don't have any dramatic experiences, but when I moved to the capital when I was young, I can admit it was hard to find friends and earn the respect of other kids. A few people tried to bully me, but I just didn't want to be their carbage, so I defended myself.

The next thing I knew the kid that was the main bullyer wanted to be my friend. And she just started to follow me around and being with me.

I very much disagree with "don't fight back" or "turn the other cheek" advices. It's almost like in some weird animal herd when you're a kid...

 

[Noel]

People have usually avoided me due to confusing my scowling face for my neutral face. I express my body language to almost extremes, yet I have no conscious idea of what I'm conveying. High School especially, since I loathed waking up and being in my first class at 7:20 in the morning. Having my neutral face has its pros and cons.


My best friend growing up evolved into a bully. My family and I moved around quite a bit due to my dad's line of work as a software business consultant. I moved to Utah when I was about to enter fifth grade. My brother and I, barely a year apart, played with each other rendering other possible friendships as 'nice but not required.' In fact, I went to school a year earlier because I missed playing with my brother. My older brother at the time entered middle school, whilst I was the 'top-dog' in elementary school as a fifth grader. I remember, when my mom dropped off my little brother in first grade, we began walking towards my classroom. I felt such anxiety, to the point of crying. My mom offered some words of encouragement and I walked into my class.

Enter friend. He sat near me in class and we seemed to have an immediate rapport: I liked skiing and so did he. Perfect. Things were great.

Enter middle school. More testosterone became apparent in him. Started to hit me for fun - didn't really hurt or anything, I figured it's just a 'dead arm.' Another individual moves into town and we acquire him as a friend. Both of them seem to understand each other better. I started feeling pressured to do things I didn't want to do.

Enter freshman year of high school. Physical abuse begins to increase. Mental abuse comes into fruition. I can't seem to talk to one of these friends without the other one 'silently' listening on our conversation on a third line. Pressured into asking girls out - wasn't mentally prepared at the time. Guilt trips would begin if I wanted to stay home and play computer games instead of going on the slopes to ski with them. I reached 375 degrees Fahrenheit. I invited a friend, who knew my other two friends, to sleepover so we could play some co-op use map settings games of StarCraft. With the intent to go skiing the next day, we awoke to the slopes sloshed with rain. We play more StarCraft. I receive another three-way clandestine phone call. They begin to verbally berate me. Granted, I don't like conflicts and do my best to avoid them, but if I'm backed into a corner, I will come kicking and screaming at you. So I did. I closed the door on the friendship right there; told him he could have his little lackey too. That was that. He called two weeks later and tried to salvage the friendship but I told him no more.

 

[substitute]

woah, totally necromanced man!

 

[Oaky]

I used to be bullied when I was younger and my personality was still developing. I was the usual guy the people around me used to bully. Of course what they want you to do is react. Where's the fun if there's no reaction. As my INTJ personality developed I became more cold, dark and definitely not someone to be messed with. If someone would verbally abuse me I would ignore them like they didnt exist or act like I didnt hear them and say "did you say something?" Pisses the hell out of them. If they physically abuse me I would physically abuse them the same way they did to me and I'd say "an eye for an eye". It's actually quite fun to see their faces when I don't react the way they want me too.

 

[MrME]

Hi all, it's really funny (weird funny, not ha-ha funny) that there's a thread like this stickied at the top of the forum. I logged in today to see if I could gather some information about bullying for a horror script that I'm currently writing.

I have plenty of personal experience when it comes to bullying, I was pretty much the whipping boy for a lot of assholes in my graduating class. But, these were boys bullying boys.

I need information about how girls bully other girls. Anecdotes are ideal, but general viewpoints or opinions from women who were bullied as kids would also be very helpful. I'll be sure to comb through the thread, too, so people won't have to repeat themselves.

 

[AOA]

"Terrorize those who terrorize you."

I've always been the serious kind, mostly a to-myself character, and didn't understand why someone would bully me... but it happened. Unfortunately, bullies don't pick on the victim who appears (s)he won't fight back, in my opinion, because I fought back and I fought back all the way. I remember my bully when I was 8 - a large fat guy. But that was not the only bully kind - a group of junkie kind ganged up on me and threatened me! Apparently, during class they appeared to be watching me and planning "something" together... and wow, I didn't complain it to the teacher... I was 9. The day ended, and I got confronted by about 11 dicks... huh, they didn't hit me at all, but got my attention - said some stuff, some of them threatened me, but I swear I pointed a sharp look at them - unwilling to give in to their charades like some of the other kids they 'jumped'.

I didn't want to fight them, though - they were 11, plus my mum was well respected amongst the mothers for the school kids, and 1 of the kids (their group leader) was my mum's close friend's son. Hmm, even though my mum faced abused from my dad, she usually was happy outdoor. Oh yeah, she also knew the large fat guy's mum (but I found that out afterwards). So, I took on the group leader guy, my mum being there in the distant - hit him hard, made sure the brawl looked even... mum came, he embarrassingly got done. I was proud to hell! My mum! He crapped it, and mum issued the situation to his mum... she was one right airhead, looked distressed and didn't seem to care about what her son does. Mum told her that she brings her kids up well and won't tolerate behaviour like that off her son.

... the next day, that wuss (the son) showed some attitude, but I kept my cool and knew it was going to be alright.

However life continued quite the same... got pricks try bothering me (in classes). Awkward, eh?

I'm 22 now, never been touched since I was 14... do quite a service to my loved ones for being quite headstrong. Have a tendency to pick on people myself - often those that remind me of the dicks in the early days. In fact, got a knack to pick on larger dicks for the passion of a real fight - guess those early days taught me a thing or 2 about my guts... but the rule is that it be in defense, ofcourse.

We teach people around us that bullies are comic book copycats - to pick on people who don't want trouble. How low can you get? Then again, it's clear that even the bullies were bullied, and the bullied will be affected enough to trouble others, maybe loved ones.

 

[Anja]

Hi all, it's really funny (weird funny, not ha-ha funny) that there's a thread like this stickied at the top of the forum. I logged in today to see if I could gather some information about bullying for a horror script that I'm currently writing.

I have plenty of personal experience when it comes to bullying, I was pretty much the whipping boy for a lot of assholes in my graduating class. But, these were boys bullying boys.

I need information about how girls bully other girls. Anecdotes are ideal, but general viewpoints or opinions from women who were bullied as kids would also be very helpful. I'll be sure to comb through the thread, too, so people won't have to repeat themselves.

Hi, MN. Another MN horror fan here.

I suppose that could earn a thread of its own. What specifically do girls do to other girls which is different from males? Seems good guesses would count. I've heard some pretty scary stories.

Aren't there some good horror films that use this as a theme? "Carrie" for one. Can't think of that one about HS girls that practice witchcraft. "The Craft?" Gotta be more to check out. . .

 

[Febrile]

I was pretty much bullied mercilessly throughout my entire attendance at school, until 11th grade.

I didn't fight back for awhile, because as you point out, I succumbed to the belief the I was truly ugly and worthless. Before long, fighting back didn't even compute as an option, and I was simply concerned with "getting out alive" every day. School meant survival mode.

I don't know what happened, but there were a few times when I snapped and fought back. Once it was via physical exertion, in junior high. But around the 11th grade I also began realizing that biting back with sarcasm would get them to leave me alone, especially if done publically. I NEVER insulted them or attacked them for the things they harrassed me about --- I always attacked the inanity and immaturity of their actions. Since it was all a power game, it became humiliating for the bullies when others witnessed my retaliation. Especially when I'd walk away right after I'd retaliate with some indisputable tongue-in-cheek quip, acting as though I just didn't care what they said or did.

That's the thing. If they do not get a reaction, or they think you don't care, they WILL stop. I tried that too, a few times, when I was younger. Completely ignoring them. It did work but it took awhile sometimes, and it always started up again anyway since I had SO many bullies.

Being sarcastic and whatnot CAN get out of hand. Sometimes the teasing gets worse when you fight back like that. A safer strategy would probably be:
a.) ignoring them, or
b.) not giving attention to their negativity but being kind and civil otherwise. Like, positive reinforcement maybe. Complimenting them on things well done, but ignoring them when they'd turn around and say something rude or mean.

I have no children but I worry that when I do, they will be bullied as I was. I hope not. I wish you the best of luck. Bullying is terrible, and my past experiences still have a huge impact on my self-perception. I'm a lot stronger for it now, though.