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Thread: Bullying

  1. #241

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    Quote Originally Posted by onemoretime View Post
    I noticed the isolation in my experience, but bullying per se was rare, if only because we're fairly tit-for-tat. The bully would get what's coming to him, either within the bounds of the system, or if that didn't work, outside of those bounds.
    School
    The large Bully came the stairs mob-handed behind me. I left-hooked him and knocked his front teeth out. I was never bothered after that, but I was isolated! Thank God, but I did not go to school and my education suffered. But I did not even occur to me it was bullying, until somebody ESFJ attempted (and nearly succeeded) in murdering me later in life.
    Freud is 80% fraud, all except the E for Ego
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  2. #242
    Senior Member Array Valuable_Money's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wild horses View Post
    I was subject to bullying when I was a junior and then again a couple of years ago. I found that I handled both situations exactly the same way; I completely ignored the bully and the bullying because I began to see that what the bully wanted was a reaction and it didn't matter if it was a good or bad reaction. In both cases it was a very hard line to take because it's difficult not to react when people are making such blatant attacks however, it took a while but in both cases the bully got bored and it stopped. In fact in both cases I became pretty good friends with the bully. It was insightful because I was able to talk to them about what had made them bully me in the first place and what had made them stop! The girl who had bullied me in juniors remarked that she had become so frustrated by me ignoring her taunts that in the end I just completely wore her down and she had to stop because there was no reaction. It turned out that she was having a really difficult time at home and desperately craved attention! We became best of friends, however, our friendhsip has been up and down since then. So I don't know if this would work for everyone, however, it certainly did work for me.
    It must be of been nice not having the shit kicked out of you
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  3. #243
    Senior Member Array Lark's Avatar
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    I think bullying is an adult problem and until it stops characterising adult relationships it wont disappear from the relationships between kids.

  4. #244
    Junior Member Array Cheetah's Avatar
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    Heh.

    From pretty early on in Kintergarten I was the target for bullying. Most of my grade left me alone because I was weird and acted out a lot (not someone to bother, I guess?), but there was a group of 4 or 5 boys in the grade above me who went after me almost every day. Nothing physical, but insults and verbal abuse were pretty much an every day thing. I reacted physically because I didn't really have any other way to defend myself, and so I was the problem, of course, and ended up in the principal's office a few times a year in the good years. If we hadn't had a new principal almost every year, I probably would've gotten thrown out, but since I started fresh with each new one, I never got to that point.

    My parents were pretty much useless at that point. My mom thought I had "socialization problems" and put me into a little group therapy program with a bunch of kids who had actual problems. Yeah, real smart. Oh, and she also got me IQ tested. Turned out I could be doing middle school in 2nd or 3rd grade. But that clearly had nothing to do with my problems :rolli: so she never did anything about it except file the IQ report somewhere. And then she went back to trying to fix my "inability to socialize." I wonder why I can't stand ISFJs...

    My first grade teacher actively encouraged other kids in my grade to pick on me because I made life difficult for him by being smart enough to need more than the basic curriculum, and by sometimes knowing things he didn't and pointing out that he was wrong. So in 1st grade bullying by my own grade started too. Again, nothing physical, but anyone who thinks that only girls can do the whole "isolate and attack" thing has never seen how nasty boys can be.

    That started to die down in second grade because my teacher was, although terrible at knowing what to do with me, nice enough (she was probably an ISFJ too, so she tried. She was just kind of clueless). This was the year I got into a serious fight with the group of older boys, and although I don't remember exactly what I did, that was what earned the group therapy crap and the IQ test.

    Third and fourth grade weren't terrible, because I had gotten used to the older kids, and my grade were fine to me again. I even had a few friends. Third grade I even had a good teacher. Fourth grade, I had the teacher I'd had for second grade again. The bullying was probably a little lighter, but mostly I think I'd just put up a wall to protect myself.

    Fifth grade was pretty good until the end, when 3 boys in my grade decided to go after me again. That was only in the last month of school, though, and I had a great teacher, so I managed pretty well.

    After fifth grade I moved, and it started all over again. In 6th grade one kid so obviously had it in for me that, without me doing anything, he was moved out of all 6 classes I had with him. I actually don't remember him being that bad, though. He didn't really know how to get to me. But it was still a bad year, because the group of "friends" I made were horrible to me. Most days they would insult me and make fun of me, with the exception of one (the one who I had made friends with and joined this group because of). I don't think I ever actually cried at school that year, but only because I built a wall to protect myself.

    In 7th grade there was a group of popular kids, 2 or 3 boys and 2 girls, the ring leader of which loved picking on me. Again, almost every day he insulted me, and the others followed his example. The others were actually not that bad except when he was there, and one of them was actually really nice the rest of the time, but groupthink'll do that...

    I always responded by telling them that if they were going to pick on me, they might as well learn to do it well, because it'd been done to me by people much better at it, and I think I even convinced myself of it, but it wasn't true. The last time I cried at school was toward the end of 7th grade, I think.

    At the end of 7th grade the leader of that group moved, and it mostly ended. I still got picked on occasionally, but not often, and it was nothing that I hadn't learned to handle. I made a few actual friends for the first time in 4 or 5 years, and actually had a decent year.

    The way I survived was basically to shut down. I normally feel things very, very strongly, and am much more sensitive than you would expect from an INTx. So what happened was that over the course of those 8 years I built more and more of a fake INTJ personality (one which I believed as much as anyone else). It had all the bad sides of INTJs without the good ones, really. It was the arrogance, the "I'm too good for humanity" side of the type. When I got to high school, and especially over the last year or so, that finally fell apart.

    There are 2 reasons I've mostly escaped bullying in high school so far, I think, and they're actually almost opposites. On the one hand, I learned the "INTP chameleon" trick very, very well. It's more like an invisibility cloak than a chameleon. I'm not so quiet that I get noticed. I draw attention to myself as much as a normal person would. I joke around the way a normal person would. I do everything normal, pretty much, so no one ever looks deeper. At first I found that if you decline invitations to hang out a few times, people just ignore you, but as I got better, I stopped even needing to decline them. I also hate it, because it ends up isolating you, and someone finally saw through it and made me be friends, which has helped me learn to finally stop doing this. Having a real friend for the first time last year (sophomore year) has gone a long way to help me stop using my defense mechanisms all the time.

    The other is that I learned very, very well how to use my ENTJ shadow. I'm never violent with it, but I can absolutely rip someone apart verbally with it. It's a part of me I absolutely hate, but when I need it, it works. I think I've really used it at school 3 times, and all 3 the target ended up crying. Only one of those was actually necessary or deserved, and I'm sure as hell not proud of the other two, because they were directed at friends who actually cared about me, but regardless, people have seen that if they cross me, I can do that to them.

    Mostly now though, I'm fairly well liked. The chameleon works. People don't know me that well, but they think they have some idea what I'm like, and since I act the way people want around them, they think I'm a reasonably cool person. No one really doesn't like me anymore. And I even have some real friends. It took 8 years of living hell, and another 3 of being almost completely isolated, but I made it out.

    So Long, if you're still here/read this thread, don't worry. You can make it out alive, eventually. It's not easy, and it's not fun, but you can do it.

    EDIT: Wow. Life story posted right there. Heh.

  5. #245
    Senior Member Array HollyGolightly's Avatar
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    I was born into a family where the majority never loved me because I wasn't a son. Great start.
    I have been bullied all my life. On a previous forum I talked about it in detail but I worry here the people will associate me too much with it because it's pretty bad. People are really curious as to why I'm so upbeat and not at all bitter.
    The answer is because that's my way of not letting them win ;P Like my sig says, always be yourself I continue to be myself even though that's what I have been bullied for

    I might talk about it one day, but not just yet. I'd rather listen to what you guys have to say Some of the things I have read...well I really admire you. I think victims of abuse deserve nothing but the upmost respect.
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  6. #246
    Senior Member Array JHBowden's Avatar
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    I was bullied relentlessly in school, from 4th grade up to about my sophomore year in high school, and got horrible advice from my parents how to handle it. My father (an ISTJ) encouraged me to retaliate, but to fight fair, e.g. only hit if someone hits you first. My mother (an ENFJ) told me never to fight back, and just to inform the authorities.

    None of this works. Proportional retaliation just helps people get a rise out of you with predictable consequences. And tattling just looks weak.

    From personal experience, here's what does work. Leave the authorities out of it-- bullies obviously have bad parents, so what can teachers really do? Two, don't sweat the small stuff-- humor can disarm people better than insulting back. Three, if one must use physical force, do not ever fight fair-- use every advantage you can muster. Sucker punch the bully in the hallway if you must. Initiative can be completely decisive in fist fights.

    As far as eradicating bullying, that will never happen, because human beings are rotten to the core. This is perhaps what the Christians mean by Original Sin. Sink or swim!

    If it is any solace to those being bullied out there, bullies 1) have their own issues they're dealing with and 2) eventually grow up. I know a few people who were vicious in school who turned out to be decent adults. Other bullies self-destructed completely-- one guy committed suicide, one girl ODed on drugs, others ended up in jail. People can redeem themselves, and there appears to be some amount of justice in the universe.

  7. #247
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    Bullied in elementary school, few years of high school...gotten the textbook Bad advice repeatedly...from school and parent, was forced to pair up with my bullies, was given blame when I did fight back.
    And a typical day was for me to be home alone, as I'm an only child to a divorced mother, that worked from time to time.
    Yea, childhood....fun <_<

  8. #248
    Senior Member Array Lark's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LostInNerSpace View Post
    If you internalize the bullying it will cause you problems. My in-your-face attitude might irk a few people here and there, but does a wonderful job of protecting me. I can do that because I am so independent and a little antisocial. Others might find it too socially unacceptable, and will likely suffer from the bullying as a result.
    I havent particularly noticed an in your face attitude but then I've not read all your posts.

    How you internalise any bullying experience and what you do with it is significant, a lot of the time I've seen people who were victims very quickly victimise others, not just during adolescence either.

    There's lots of peope talking about how they were bullied, what about when they've acted as bullies themselves? Bullying among children only a consequence of bullying among adults and it takes place among adults because its pervasive in society, its in the culture.

    The most popular politicians prey upon peoples experiences of bullying, either promising to liberation from bullies, retribution or revenge on bullies or in an unspoken way that with a vote you can be the bully now.

    Eric Fromm's wrote good books about this, including The Fear of Freedom, in which he suggests that sado-masochism is a social phenomenon rather than a sexual passtime or psycho-sexual trait.

  9. #249
    See Right Through Me Array Bubbles's Avatar
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    My worst bullying was teacher bullying. Heh, how do you defend against your teacher, anyway? I'd gotten a new drama teacher. The old one was a sweetheart, I'd had him freshman year, and when he left this woman replaced him. ESFJ. Unhealthy ESFJ.

    She'd try and be everyone's best friend, and at the same time, would talk badly about you behind your back, scream at you, and even insult you in front of the class. She made me cry twice in class, actually, from being unable to bear her blaming me for things I didn't do, calling me "too sensitive," laughing at me in front of my classmates and making me sound stupid, threatening to kick me out of plays, accusing me of saying things about her that I didn't, etc. I'd tell my parents but they'd insist I was being overdramatic. My final year with her they finally believed me.

    My school had a no-switching-classes policy. I was told to tough it out until the end of the year. No, she was never held accountable for anything she did. Yes, I did confront her privately several times about her treatment of me. Somehow, every time, she found a way to justify it and twist the blame on me...or say something worse I "did" to eclipse it.

    Adults are awful bullies, too--even worse than kids, because we're supposed to rely on adults.
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  10. #250
    Senior Member Array HollyGolightly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bubbles View Post
    My worst bullying was teacher bullying. Heh, how do you defend against your teacher, anyway? I'd gotten a new drama teacher. The old one was a sweetheart, I'd had him freshman year, and when he left this woman replaced him. ESFJ. Unhealthy ESFJ.

    She'd try and be everyone's best friend, and at the same time, would talk badly about you behind your back, scream at you, and even insult you in front of the class. She made me cry twice in class, actually, from being unable to bear her blaming me for things I didn't do, calling me "too sensitive," laughing at me in front of my classmates and making me sound stupid, threatening to kick me out of plays, accusing me of saying things about her that I didn't, etc. I'd tell my parents but they'd insist I was being overdramatic. My final year with her they finally believed me.

    My school had a no-switching-classes policy. I was told to tough it out until the end of the year. No, she was never held accountable for anything she did. Yes, I did confront her privately several times about her treatment of me. Somehow, every time, she found a way to justify it and twist the blame on me...or say something worse I "did" to eclipse it.

    Adults are awful bullies, too--even worse than kids, because we're supposed to rely on adults.

    I had a teacher like this when I was around10/11 years old. With people like that when you confront them they will turn it around or get their own back somehow. Mine stood me up in front of the whole class and told everyone I was a bully...when it was actually me getting bullied by this other girl. And she's laugh at me and my mannerisms.appearance, exclude me from certain stuff because I was "so shy that I can't possibly manage it". Bitch.
    It's so easy for teachers to abuse their position and it's disgusting as they have a duty of care to their students, no matter how old they are. I know teachers aren't allowed to use physical punishment anymore but they can hurt you in other ways.
    "Dad I can't feel my legs."

    "That's because you don't have any arms."

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