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Thread: Bullying

  1. #231
    Senior Member Wild horses's Avatar
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    I was subject to bullying when I was a junior and then again a couple of years ago. I found that I handled both situations exactly the same way; I completely ignored the bully and the bullying because I began to see that what the bully wanted was a reaction and it didn't matter if it was a good or bad reaction. In both cases it was a very hard line to take because it's difficult not to react when people are making such blatant attacks however, it took a while but in both cases the bully got bored and it stopped. In fact in both cases I became pretty good friends with the bully. It was insightful because I was able to talk to them about what had made them bully me in the first place and what had made them stop! The girl who had bullied me in juniors remarked that she had become so frustrated by me ignoring her taunts that in the end I just completely wore her down and she had to stop because there was no reaction. It turned out that she was having a really difficult time at home and desperately craved attention! We became best of friends, however, our friendhsip has been up and down since then. So I don't know if this would work for everyone, however, it certainly did work for me.
    ... couldn't drag me away

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  2. #232
    Senior Member NewEra's Avatar
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    I would say the best way to deal with it is to report the bully immediately. Don't let things escalate, because you don't have to. You have a choice in the matter, and if you don't want to confront the bully, just report him. It will work most of the time.

  3. #233
    Ghost Monkey Soul Vizconde's Avatar
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    check out Bully OnLine: bullying in the workplace, school, family and community, action you can take, stress, psychiatric injury, PTSD, resources, case histories, news and contact the media for an interesting viewing.

    below is their FAQ list in part

    "How can I find information quickly at Bully OnLine?
    Use the site search engine or check the site map or site index.

    What is bullying?
    Click here.

    What's the difference between bullying and mobbing?
    Click here.

    What's the difference between bullying and harassment?
    Click here.

    What's the difference between bullying and management?
    Those who can, do. Those who can't, bully. Good managers manage, bad managers bully. Bad managers reveal themselves by bullying. Click here for a list of differences between a manager and a bully.

    Bullying is just tough management, isn't it?
    Bullies prevent employees from fulfilling their duties, bullies are usually inadequate at their own job and survive only by plagiarising (stealing) other people's work, bullying is a breach of contract (a breach of the implied term of mutual trust and confidence), bullying causes injury to health and PTSD , bullies incur vicarious liability for the employer, etc.

    Why did he/she pick on me?
    Because you were good at your job, popular with people, unwittingly invited unfavourable comparison with the bully's inadequacy simply by being competent, were in the wrong place at the wrong time, blew the whistle on something (perhaps unwittingly), were vulnerable in some way (eg need to pay the mortgage), and because bullying is an obsessive, compulsive and addictive behaviour the serial bully has to have someone to bully.

    Why me?
    Click here.

    How do bullies select their targets?
    >Click here.

    What are the triggers that cause bullying to start?
    Click here.

    What is it about me that causes bullies to pick on me?
    Because you have a lot of positive qualities of which the bully is envious. Click here.

    Why did I let it happen to me?
    See previous answers. Because you had little or no knowledge of bullying, no training in how to deal with it, those around you denied or ignored it, you didn't recognise the bully as a sociopath, the bully disempowered you, you were vulnerable, you're honest and unwilling to compromise your integrity, the law is weak, jobs are scarce so you were frightened to report it, personnel and management probably didn't help or took the side of the bully, etc.

    What did I do to deserve it?
    Nothing. See previous answers. It is NEVER the target's fault - it is always the bully who is responsible for their behaviour; however, bullies project their behaviour onto their target and claim their target is the one with the "negative attitude" who is "aggressive" etc. Treat each criticism or allegation as an admission by the bully of his or her own failings and inadequacy. A target of abuse simply happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time - and probably has plenty of predecessors and successors.

    So what can I do about it?
    Lots, although justice through the legal system is difficult at present. Read everything (books, this web site) and decide whether you want to a) leave, get another job with an employer who values your skills and become financially stable, b) take legal action, c) fight bullying on a wider scale, d) get a settlement and do something different (perhaps more useful and rewarding) with your life, e) follow another option, or f) a combination of these. It's a personal decision that only you can make.


    I thought I was the only one this was happening to.
    Almost everyone who is abused thinks this. Abusers encourage it, for it disempowers and silences you. However, there are many people in your situation - with workplace bullying, perhaps half the workforce. The reason so few people report their abusers is for fear that "no-one will believe me". See the section on denial. They are usually correct - but things are changing. You can help the process of change.

    I never thought I would be a victim.
    You're not a victim, you're a target. The word "victim" allows some people to tap into and stimulate prejudices and preconceived notions about "victimhood", eg that it's all your fault. Some academic research has unfortunately perpetuated this and other myths. It is not your fault - bullies are abusive personalities and predatory, and the bully has deliberately and intentionally targeted you. It is the bully's pattern of behaviour (constant nitpicking criticisms, specious allegations etc) which reveals intent. Click here to see the reasons why people are targeted.

    I was bullied at school and now I've been bullied again at work. Is there something wrong with me?
    No. You've been targeted at work for the same reasons you were targeted at school, ie you were in the wrong place at the wrong time, you are a person of integrity (bullies despise people with integrity for it reminds them of what they don't have), etc etc. It is the bully's choice to bully. Bullies have a compulsive need to bully and will target anyone who is available. Click here to see the most common reasons why people are targeted.

    I was bullied months / years ago and although I enjoy my current job and my boss is supportive I still have this nagging feeling that I'm not good enough and that people think I'm a failure. Why is this and what can I do about it?
    This is common to all people who have suffered long-term abuse, particularly verbal abuse (at work or at home) which focuses on "you're not good enough". As adults, people gain most of the sense of value and self-worth through their work and their relationships, so when you're repeatedly told how useless and incompetent you are - and before you've worked out you're not dealing with a decent human being but with a serial bully / nutcase / jerk / loser - the subconscious steadily soaks up this message until one becomes convinced that somehow it must be true. Logic alone is not enough to override it.

    Why don't you just stand up for yourself?
    Because in almost every case when you assert your right not to be bullied, things get worse. The bully senses that their tactics of control and subjugation are not working and, worse, that you can see through his or her mask of deceit. The bully's paranoid fear of exposure (of their weakness, inadequacy and incompetence) goes exponential and the bully moves into phase two - elimination. For a list of reasons why people are prevented from asserting their right not to be bullied click here. It's similar to why victims of abuse can't and won't report the abuse.

  4. #234
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    I think it really depends on what environment the kid is in for his/her schooling.. like, I wouldn't say that I was ever the victim of bullying throughout elementary, middle, or high school because the kids at my schools valued compassion and intellect over crass, self-serving behavior... I know that as a kind of thin, nerdy kid who paid too much attention to the tall pretty girls, I probably would have been picked on mercilessly in many other environments, but I was in a place where being myself was the norm, so nothing like bullying ever really manifested. If you have the means, you may want to consider just finding a different place to get educated or get an education for your kid, a place where being yourself is totally fine with everyone else. It may sound like a fantasy, but that's how I grew up, and I wouldn't say that I was particularly privileged.. middle class at best, and I was placed in my school based on pure geographical convenience. Maybe I just got lucky.

    Confidence is a big part of any interpersonal relationship. Having it (or even just projecting it) will ward off a lot of small-time confrontational types, and the ones who stick around might merit some additional attention (legal or otherwise).

  5. #235
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    Victim.
    He was always telling them lies about me. I didn't understand it, and I was convinced they believed him. Initially I watched as and screamed out inside. Felt like I was behind soundproof glass, I could watch but there was nothing I could do. Those were lonely times :[.

    Transition.
    One night I decided it'd be best to ignore him. This was years later. I isolated myself from him, but he was friends with all my friends, so I didn't see them much anymore.

    Secret life.
    We were older now, both out of high school. I discovered college parties and groups of people he'd never want to be around. I befriended the misfits of the world. I was never telling the family where I was anymore... I felt belonging.

    Defender.
    Often, my friends were picked on. I never liked that. I'll understand their pains and woes and do whatever I can to get rid of it, no one should feel what I've felt! Fights were never fought for me. I didn't matter, I was already gone.

    Drunken Night.
    He wasn't a drinker. This night he drunk too much, and he needed someone there with him. He tells me he always put me down cause I was so different, but refused to be anything other than me. He said he wished he could be himself the way I am. He said sorry.

    Rebuild.
    I'm gradually gaining self esteem. I know what I worth, but I don't always feel it. I know I'm great, but I still fall into nothingness.

    Motivation.
    A starving man can't feed a starving man. I have to be strong. Otherwise I can make sure others don't feel what I've felt. This is where I'm at now. Anytime I cheer someone up it's a stepping stone for cheering me up too.

    Bully...
    I've had horrible moments I'm not proud of where I've been the antagonist. In the moment it feels good having control. Afterwards it feels horrible thinking of then feeling what they must've felt. Worse is the feeling I'm an evil monster of terror, I want help not hurt.

    This is my experience the best I can describe it.

  6. #236
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    Quote Originally Posted by YourLocalJesus View Post
    I found that fighting dirty, at places where the teachers couldn't intervene or witness anything was great for scaring the shit out of bullies. I think a couple of them actually thought I was going to kill them.
    Someone I knew (much later as an adult) told me about being relentlessly bullied as a child by a specific group of kids. I think he was a target since he was overweight and gay (although he never told, people figured out). After getting beat up, harassed, having things stolen, he'd had all he could take. 5 or 6 years of humiliation was all he could do. He nearly killed one of his tormenters by holding him under in the swimming pool. He'd let him up for air only for a second and then hold him under again repeatedly and told him if he ever messed with him again he would finish the job the next time.

    After that, he said no one every touched him again. They called him psycho and some other names but didn't dare touch him.

    In a twist of fate, as an adult and a business owner he had one of the former bullies apply for a job at his business, not knowing who owned it. Needless to say he didn't get the job and got quite an earful.

    I'm still surprised I was never bullied, since in some ways I would've seemed a natural target. Kids can be so relentless and use all their resources and imagination to hurt and destroy someone else. So sad.

  7. #237
    Senior Member Soar337's Avatar
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    I used to always get picked on because I never wanted to fight back in fear of hurting their feelings (Haha, how stupid) Don't really now though, I've learnt to assert myself more when I need to (unless I can't be bothered).
    <3

  8. #238
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    I was a smaller kid growing up. For most of my life I lived on a farm and went to a private school. When I was 9, I lived in a town for a year. All of my classmates lived outside of town. I had to make friends with kids in town who did not go to my school. So I was already an outsider and I got bullied all the time. A year later we moved back to the country where I lived till I was 16. Then we moved to a small city.

    One day I was out skateboarding with my friends and a car of three guys swerved at us . I didnt know this at the time, one of my buddies gave them the finger as they drove away. They took exception to that and decided they were going to have a talk with us. All of my friends were about to take off. Something came over me where I thought, "I am not going to let people bully me anymore, I am not running." When my buddies saw me standing there they turned around and came back. One guy got out of the car and started to try to intimidate me and said if we didn't leave he was going to beat the shit out of us.

    I told him we were not leaving. He tried to push me, I didn't move. He elbowed me in the face and I did not feel a thing. I stood there and looked at him. He pushed me again causing me to step back. I took one step forward towards him and stood my ground. Finally his friends said, "Come on, let's go."

    It really changed my life forever. I never let anyone bully me again.
    I am male. Don't hold it against me.

  9. #239

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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    I'm pretty sure that everyone experiences instances of bullying at some point in their lives. Some deal with it better than others; some head it off at the pass and it becomes just a series of isolated and rare events, whilst others don't manage to neutralize it early enough or at all, and end up being ground down by it for years.

    I suffered from ruthless bullying all the way through school and it cut my self-esteem into ribbons and contributed to my spending the first 20 years of my life pretty downtrodden and very isolated.

    I've learned that the choice of who gets bullied can be pretty arbitrary and is mainly nothing to do with the actual qualities or characteristics of the victim themselves. But if there is any deciding factor it's this: bullies only pick on people who they believe will not fight back. But the crucial factor in 'successful' bullying is that the victim must not glimpse this thruth: the victim must absolutely believe that they really ARE ugly, dumb, that nobody likes them, that they're not worthy of being treated as a human being. Because if they begin to realize the BS level of what the bullies tell them then they just might start fighting back.

    But I've learned that simply losing my temper and yelling doesn't help - it didn't work at school either. If I did that, the bullies would just laugh at me and then I'd feel ten times worse. So the only way to check-mate it is to unleash my inner sadist and throw some barb that makes them feel ten times shittier than they wanted to make me feel. But not everyone has it in them to do this.

    Is that it then? It's rather sad if that's it; if the choice is to either bully or be bullied. There must be another way.

    I'd like if people here could talk about their experiences of bullying, and if anyone's found a way to deal with it, what is it?

    Parents - how do you deal with it when your children get bullied?

    I'm interested in comments from people who might be or have been bullies themselves. I want to explore the mindset of both bully and victim, in the hope that I'll be inspired with *something* to tell my 11 year old daughter when she comes home crying again tomorrow
    It said that ENTPs can become isolated. This is usually because they spook the Horsemen ESFJ who can behave like bullies, but proper Bullies are ESTJ.

    All the SJs can gang up against NPs. And even more JS Judges against PN Dragons.
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  10. #240
    Dreaming the life onemoretime's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Perseus View Post
    It said that ENTPs can become isolated. This is usually because they spook the Horsemen ESFJ who can behave like bullies, but proper Bullies are ESTJ.

    All the SJs can gang up against NPs. And even more JS Judges against PN Dragons.
    I noticed the isolation in my experience, but bullying per se was rare, if only because we're fairly tit-for-tat. The bully would get what's coming to him, either within the bounds of the system, or if that didn't work, outside of those bounds.

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