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Thread: Bullying

  1. #221
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    I was bullied a lot in school and because I was never that "on paper" smart even the "nerds" would make wisecracks at me, I stuck with my ENFP best friend and managed to get through it okay in the end I dropped out though

    My first workplace I was bullied a lot and ended up leaving because of it

    Then I worked for myself for a while and hung out with old high school friends (the ones that were good to me)

    Now that the economy is shot that small business isn't doing so crash hot so I have a job again but so far no bulling...

  2. #222
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    In seventh grade I attended a small public school, and a handful of the girls were bullies quite similar to what you see in "Mean Girls". They would tell people, "go away", "your hair smells", and just stupid things intended to embarrass. They harassed teachers who weren't able to get control. They also dressed up like cheerleaders for Halloween which struck me really funny, although they were dead serious about feeling and being "popular". I also attended schools where fist fights were a daily occurrence. It was a rural cowboy town. Very often some group of people just declare themselves popular even though people don't like them. They make everyone afraid of them because they are willing to cross lines and be mean. It is that willingness to cross accepted social boundaries that is threatening because there is no way to measure just how many lines the person will cross.

    In high school, I went to a Christian boarding school where most of the kids also worked on the farm half-time. Having a group of 14-18 year-olds hundreds of miles away from home 24/7 and insecure is a great recipe for enhancing bullying. There were a few scape goats chosen that everyone had permission to treat like crap. One girl chosen in particular had mental problems. I'm not sure what her diagnosis would be, but she clearly had issues and would sometimes break from reality. She was loud enough to try to fight back which made her the ideal target. When she dropped her tray in the cafeteria, everyone would just roar. When she threatened to commit suicide, everyone would say, "go for it". She would come sit in the room where I would play the piano and write music. She learned all my songs. One time in choir she turned around and loudly said, "you spit on me". I understood her and the larger dynamics and knew why she insulted me. It was because she knew I wouldn't insult her back, and I didn't. She looked so happy when I apologized. It's easier to be mean, but takes pushing back against the insecurity of dozens or hundreds of people to act based on reason and understanding of everything going on, rather than just protecting self in the most obvious manner.

    Bullying typically means you have something you need to prove. It wreaks of insecurity and a lack of perception about what is going on with other people. I'm not impressed with bullying behavior, but can usually guestimate several reasons as to its cause, and understand how impersonal it actually is. It comes from someone fixated on self to the point they can't see much else. It is an expression of neediness, although dressed up as being dominant.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)


  3. #223
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Power imbalances with parents is one major cause of bullying. It was enlightening when I met some of my naughtiest students' parents. Authority figures who seem weak, insecure, or unable to create boundaries for their children make the kids feel insecure and like they need to fill in for the dominant role. These kids tend to overcompensate their insecurity by being dominant in the only ways they know how, namely behaving in a mean and rude manner.

    On the other side, parents who are oppressively dominant can make the child feel insecure and powerless. Those children who then act out their powerlessness on younger siblings or pets learn that they can feel powerful again by hurting something weaker than they are. They essentially copy the parent.

    Another major cause of bullying is reacting to peer groups in which bullying occurs and for whom many have had the parental power imbalances. There is probably also some room for genetic inclinations towards violence and such, but more often I think it can be traced back to power imbalances with parents. Bullying by its nature is a reactionary behavior and not evidence of a person who is in control of their own person and attitudes.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)


  4. #224
    Senior Member rainoneventide's Avatar
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    My dad constantly bullied my mom and me, so I always looked to my mom for comfort. But she would bottle up her emotions until she couldn't hold them back anymore, and they always burst out at me. I used to be extremely outgoing and friendly, but after living in that environment for so long, by 5th grade I was withdrawn and already expecting the entire world to mirror my parents' actions. People other than my parents started bullying me when they sensed those expectations. Then I would come home, where my parents wondered why their kid was such a weird loner.

    I'm not bitter for the person I am today, but thinking about the way my parents treated me, and how no one noticed my drastic personality change, and how my parents have remained ignorant about the effects of their behavior to this day just makes me really, really angry. They haven't changed (well, they're divorced now), and I still automatically see people as potential bullies, but at least I recognize where these feelings stemmed from--for a long time I thought I was just born naturally miserable and antisocial.
    "So I say, live and let live. Thatís my motto. Live and let live.
    Anyone who canít go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker."
    - George Carlin

  5. #225

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    Quote Originally Posted by toonia View Post
    Power imbalances with parents is one major cause of bullying. It was enlightening when I met some of my naughtiest students' parents. Authority figures who seem weak, insecure, or unable to create boundaries for their children make the kids feel insecure and like they need to fill in for the dominant role. These kids tend to overcompensate their insecurity by being dominant in the only ways they know how, namely behaving in a mean and rude manner.

    On the other side, parents who are oppressively dominant can make the child feel insecure and powerless. Those children who then act out their powerlessness on younger siblings or pets learn that they can feel powerful again by hurting something weaker than they are. They essentially copy the parent.

    Another major cause of bullying is reacting to peer groups in which bullying occurs and for whom many have had the parental power imbalances. There is probably also some room for genetic inclinations towards violence and such, but more often I think it can be traced back to power imbalances with parents. Bullying by its nature is a reactionary behavior and not evidence of a person who is in control of their own person and attitudes.
    Erich Fromm

    Fromm's a pretty good guide when considering destructiveness, the bit on families is a little like the points you've made, I think they're good points.

  6. #226
    HAHHAHHAH! INTJ123's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    I'm pretty sure that everyone experiences instances of bullying at some point in their lives. Some deal with it better than others; some head it off at the pass and it becomes just a series of isolated and rare events, whilst others don't manage to neutralize it early enough or at all, and end up being ground down by it for years.

    I suffered from ruthless bullying all the way through school and it cut my self-esteem into ribbons and contributed to my spending the first 20 years of my life pretty downtrodden and very isolated.

    I've learned that the choice of who gets bullied can be pretty arbitrary and is mainly nothing to do with the actual qualities or characteristics of the victim themselves. But if there is any deciding factor it's this: bullies only pick on people who they believe will not fight back. But the crucial factor in 'successful' bullying is that the victim must not glimpse this thruth: the victim must absolutely believe that they really ARE ugly, dumb, that nobody likes them, that they're not worthy of being treated as a human being. Because if they begin to realize the BS level of what the bullies tell them then they just might start fighting back.

    But I've learned that simply losing my temper and yelling doesn't help - it didn't work at school either. If I did that, the bullies would just laugh at me and then I'd feel ten times worse. So the only way to check-mate it is to unleash my inner sadist and throw some barb that makes them feel ten times shittier than they wanted to make me feel. But not everyone has it in them to do this.

    Is that it then? It's rather sad if that's it; if the choice is to either bully or be bullied. There must be another way.

    I'd like if people here could talk about their experiences of bullying, and if anyone's found a way to deal with it, what is it?

    Parents - how do you deal with it when your children get bullied?

    I'm interested in comments from people who might be or have been bullies themselves. I want to explore the mindset of both bully and victim, in the hope that I'll be inspired with *something* to tell my 11 year old daughter when she comes home crying again tomorrow
    umm well... I wasn't ever really bullied, because I always stood my ground.
    But I got this crazy story you probably wouldn't believe, back in high school when I was a senior, I had PE with the biggest bully in school, this guy literally weighed 240 pounds, we weighed ourselves at certain points of PE. This guy had beef with basically all my friends, one of my friends faught him previously too. So naturally one day he started beef with me, I stood my gound as usual and he went away, but.. later on when my back was turned he hit me in the back of the head and then it was ON! This was like a fight to the death experience for me, it was the craziest fight and the whole school didn't shut up about it for a week. At the end of the day I had a broken rib and I broke my hand on his face (mike tyson!). He got seriously hurt too, he didn't show up to school for a few days. But when he did, he came to me and showed me respect afterwards, admitted that I punched him 50 times and then made peace which was odd to me, I thought he would want more beef, but like you said they don't want the victim to fight back. But in the end, I really don't think the respect I earned from the bully and sudden school fame was worth breaking my hand over, I have like half a freggin knuckle now on my right ring finger.

    So the moral of the story is, well violence sucks. Sorry if you didn't gain anything from this, but I was reliving my memories.


    Oh and there are 3 types of people when it comes to fights, The Raging BULL (bully), The tactical, and the Runner. I'm sorry but I immediately placed you in the runner catagory when I read your post. Maybe some martial arts lessons would boost your confidence.

  7. #227
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    I've had problems with parents all my life, and during elementary school I was bullied a bit. During high school I was extremely quiet until I picked up and learned jiu-jitsu. Then I become very confident and started to become alot more confident withmy self and my social situations. It still takes me a bit to get comfortable with people.

  8. #228
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    I was teased as a kid because I was really tall for my age, but nobody really bothered me much. My son is a different story. He was short, wore glasses and was exceptionally bright and enjoyed reading. Most of the time he was bullied on the bus, he used to come home with rubber bands stuck in his hair, or the bus was late dropping him off because the kids threw his books out the window. One time when he came home I could tell that he was really disturbed about something, a kid had punched him in the face on the bus. I knew that this kid was catching the bus down the street but he didn't actually live in our district. I called this kids house and told his grandmother that the next time this kid bullied my kid, I would call the cops and I would make damn sure this kid was sent to another school. I never heard another complaint about him. There was one time I got a call from a teacher from my son's gifted school that he went to one day a week, she told me that she had to report my son because he slugged another kid in the face, I thought she might have the wrong number because that was really out of character for my son, but she told me that she wanted to call me in person because she was concerned that I might get too harsh with my son about it, she wanted to tell me that the other kid deserved it. There was nothing I could really do about the abuse. I offered to take my son to school so he wouldn't have to ride the bus but he refused, he didn't want to stand out. My son always insisted on being himself and dressing the way he wanted and not like the other kids. I used to tell him that one day he would be successful while those other jerks were working at a grocery store. Now my son is 29 and leads a team of softwear developers who design really cool stuff for the government.

    One thing I've learned as I've watched these neighbor kids grow up is that most of the kids who ere little shits grew up to be normal, decent adults. I think some children have self image problems to deal with, and hanging out with their buds picking on others makes them feel more secure about themselves.

  9. #229
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    Lilly, I'm really proud of your kid.

    I really can't word how much stuff like this would bother me. I ended up 'standing up for justice' in my last years of high school. Whether to interfere or not didn't occur to me. Bullies frustrate me so much. In dealing with people, i am not one to consult at all, but I know that when you have a solid sense of yourself, or are proud of the things that inhabit your spirit, you can hit the haters back with some sense and logic. Hate for hate is a cycle that won't end 'til one is left standing, until another who's tougher comes along. When you make sense, people with a presence of mind tend to back off. This is only my experience.

    Best I can say is find that fearless region of your thinking and refuse to be afraid. My condolences to anyone troubled by fools.
    And there I stood... The devil of a command that featured death...

  10. #230
    Priestess Of Syrinx Katsuni's Avatar
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    Hate the concept of bullying. I generally escaped most of it, but the mere reactions to it are DISGUSTING.

    Seriously... whot do we have?

    Theft (steal lunch monies)
    Bribary (pay yeu to be quiet)
    Extortion (gimme yeur money or I rat on yeu)
    Assault (beating kids up)
    Rape (it does occur, even very early on sadly...)
    Murder (rare instances)
    Liable (several ways this can occur)
    Uttering death threats (hardly uncommon)
    Verbal abuse
    Hate crimes
    etc
    etc
    etc

    It goes on for ages... these are crimes that if they weren't kids, they'd be locked away in prison for for years at a time apiece. If yeu tell a teacher, or yeur parents, or a police officer, do yeu know whot happens? They tell the bully to stop. And then leave. Specifically, they leave yeu alone with the bully, who's now pissed as hell that their drunken parents at home are probably going to beat them for it, so they're going to beat the hell out of yeu for saying something about it.

    Really, do yeu wonder why bullying is so commonplace? Because they don't get punished, and yeu're in DEEP trouble if yeu say anything about it.

    How about the ONE crime on that list that anyone actually takes seriously? Murder? That's generally done by the victems of crimes that've been done for years on end... and can yeu truly honestly blame them? If yeu take an adult, have their food stolen from their lunchplace every day, their house broken into, their car stolen, death threats sent to them in the mail, beaten senseless on their way home and their wallet stolen, raped, and told if they tell anyone they'll be murdered... and then they go to the police and tell them all this crap that happened to them, and they're told "we're not going to do anything about it, how about yeu just go tell the thugs "NO" in a polite manner and give them a hug?".

    Really, do yeu honestly expect them to take that advice, or do yeu expect them to take justice into their own hands as obviously the ones who're supposed to haven't done a damned thing about it?

    I don't condone murder, a permenent solution to a temporary problem seriously isn't worth it. Killing people won't fix them, yeu want to correct their behaviour, not end it. Waste of human life that could've been better spent honestly. There's some cases it doesn't work, but that's not for the individual to decide, unless it's in self defense when they don't have a choice.

    But the fact is, given the crap that kids go through, and how little care is given to them? Seriously, whot is the main thing children were told for the longest time? "Just say NO". Because yeah... that's going to help. Tell that mugger on the street NO and see how long it takes for yeu to get a knife in yeu.

    Just because they're children, doesn't mean they're any less at risk. They're MORE at risk because they can't 'buy a gun for their protection', and they can't go to the police, they can't get any aid, and the crimes are literally just as severe, yet downplayed to not appear as much harm.

    Living in fear should not be a part of growing up. Being a victim of some of the worst crimes possible and having no recourse to it is NOT okei. At some point yeu have to look at this from an objective point of view and just go "WTF is wrong with yeu people? How can yeu have so disturbingly gross of a doublestandard as this?"

    And yet, it's not taken seriously. Until it goes too far and someone dies... unless that person committed suicide due to the bullying. Then they STILL don't do anything about it despite that it took an innocent's life. If they hit the bully back though there'll be hell to pay.

    Sad isn't it?

    Collumbine and all those other things never should've happened. Not because the kids shouldn't've shot the hell out of people, but because they never should've been put into that position where they felt they had to in the first place because noone would listen to them. There were many ways to prevent it long before it ever got that far, before they even THOUGHT of doing anything like that. It should've been taken care of before they even considered the mere idea of getting a gun for retribution.

    And yet... we still haven't learned our lesson, and leave the exact same situations to occur, to fester and grow, and somehow expect the result to be any different than before. Nice to see that we have smart people running our schools huh? Sure does fill yeu with a sense of hope that maybe they'll actually teach the kids something useful, like how to not drool on themselves, considering that seems to be the limit of whot the people we put in charge of the school boards are capable of.

    There's obviously exceptions, but this lunacy is far too widespread to be healthy. People have got to just stop downplaying bullying. It's dangerous as hell, and it's REAL CRIME, that is LEGAL. And I don't mean that kids may go to juvinile detention centers, it's very rarely the case... I mean that very often they're never disciplined at all. Or if they are, it's by an abusive parent.

    And no, video games didn't cause it. Neither did tv. The children's crime rate has DECREASED since the introduction of video games, despite a growing population. Not to mention that the vast majority of the bullies who commit the vast majority of the crimes, don't have tv or video games at all, because the vast majority of these bullies live in abusive households where their parents, instead of buying a tv, spent all their money on beer.

    Sigh.

    Anyway, I'm just going to stop now, this's bugging me too much. And I didn't even have to put up with the majority of this crap, it's just disgusting to watch when noone seems to even care >.<

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