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  1. #21

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    I deal with this in my family as well as at work. My mother is constantly accusing me of sulking at family gatherings, because she's the most rabid E I know and can't understand anything else. My line of work is also very E by nature and personality is considered a legitimate hiring criterium, so it's an uphill battle there.
    Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight.

    Johari
    /Nohari

  2. #22
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ilah View Post
    How do you deal with people who just don't understand personality difference? I run into this frequently, but the most recent person is a co-worker. We have training the whole agency attends every year or every other year on personality type and difference, but it doesn't seem to take with some people. She criticizes people for a wide variety of things, but it generally comes down to not being like her. For example, she keeps telling me I should be more energetic and enthusiastic about getting new assignments. I'm INTJ, so that isn't going to happen.

    Every time she does it I feel like explaining to her about personality difference, but I refrain. Probably it would be better to just ignore it. After all if she didn't get anything from a one day workshop, she wouldn't get it from my explaination.

    Also, she tends to assume that everyone has the same values and motivation as her.

    Has anyone been able to change someone's attitude by explaining personality difference to them?

    Ilah
    It isn't really about that, though. She probably is just implying that you would be better off if you were more like her, than actually expecting you to become more like her. Surely she understands that people don't change just like that... no matter how much you ask them to. If she doesn't get it, just keep refusing to change and she'll get it.

    Anyway, I think it's worth trying to explain it once if it seems like they might benefit from it (realizing that people are different), but otherwise you just have to let them be.

  3. #23
    The elder Holmes Mycroft's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Athenian200 View Post
    It isn't really about that, though. She probably is just implying that you would be better off if you were more like her, than actually expecting you to become more like her. Surely she understands that people don't change just like that... no matter how much you ask them to. If she doesn't get it, just keep refusing to change and she'll get it.
    I think you vastly overestimate the average person's ability to learn from experience.

  4. #24
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mycroft View Post
    I think you vastly overestimate the average person's ability to learn from experience.
    Even animals learn from experience. Remember Pavlov's dog? I'm pretty sure I've seen people learn not to do things...

    It would be kind of depressing to think people are dumber than dogs.

  5. #25
    The elder Holmes Mycroft's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Athenian200 View Post
    Even animals learn from experience. Remember Pavlov's dog? I'm pretty sure I've seen people learn not to do things...

    It would be kind of depressing to think people are dumber than dogs.
    Animals don't learn anything, they're conditioned, and the extent to which conditioning takes place is a matter of repetition with no relation to intelligence.

    In fairness, though, after reading your post again, what you're proposing is more akin to conditioning than educating. Might not want to use a bell, though - she might get wise to the ploy.

  6. #26
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mycroft View Post
    In fairness, though, after reading your post again, what you're proposing is more akin to conditioning than educating. Might not want to use a bell, though - she might get wise to the ploy.
    I figured that was how most people get through life, actually... being conditioned by their experiences to seek reward and avoid pain and failure.

  7. #27
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    I figured that was how most people get through life, actually... being conditioned by their experiences to seek reward and avoid pain and failure
    That is exactly how Behavorists feel that "personality" is formed over time. That it's really just a set of behavors that have been ingrained. But at the same time you are still a moldable piece of clay and therefore able to change under the right set of conditions. Seems like a lot of people agree with this and therefore feel that anyone can be 'changed.'

    I absolutely think that we can make adjustments and condition ourselves if the rewards are sufficiently high enough, but the real question is why should we and under what circumstances?

  8. #28
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    My guess is that you probably unnerve her. She probably hasn't encountered many INTJs, and she just wants to know where she stands with you, and if you like your job, etc. I've had to learn to put on the happy face so people will at least know that I don't hate them. The thing that really gets to me, though, is when people don't understand that I don't want to have big ole personal conversations in the work area or go out drinking with them after work all the time. I just want to do my stuff and go home, dangit. I don't have the energy or inclination to make small talk all day long.

  9. #29
    Senior Member htb's Avatar
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    Human nature is highly resistant; even with knowledge of temperament and the intention to accommodate, each one of us slights and marginalizes.

    The only way to have a room in complete agreement is to be the only one in the room. Thus, in a funny little paradox, we accept that people can't accept, nor can we; so we accept them and accept ourselves.

  10. #30
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ilah View Post
    How do you deal with people who just don't understand personality difference? I run into this frequently, but the most recent person is a co-worker. We have training the whole agency attends every year or every other year on personality type and difference, but it doesn't seem to take with some people. She criticizes people for a wide variety of things, but it generally comes down to not being like her. For example, she keeps telling me I should be more energetic and enthusiastic about getting new assignments. I'm INTJ, so that isn't going to happen.

    Every time she does it I feel like explaining to her about personality difference, but I refrain. Probably it would be better to just ignore it. After all if she didn't get anything from a one day workshop, she wouldn't get it from my explaination.

    Also, she tends to assume that everyone has the same values and motivation as her.

    Has anyone been able to change someone's attitude by explaining personality difference to them?

    Ilah
    I wouldn't get into the INTJ thing. Just tell her that you keep your enthusiasm private and that's how you energize yourself. If she tells you that you could benefit by doing things her way, just say that you're happy with the way things are right now, that you've found a good balance, but you appreciate her looking out for you. Then smile and get back to whatever it is you were doing without giving her lots of room to object.

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