I consider myself a really emotional person.
But sometimes I just can't feel anything, and I can't fake enthusiasm either.
For me is really hard to say ''Merry Christmas' or ''Happy Birthday'' to people, because I don't find it a really important thing to say. But it seems that for most people is super meaningful and important and they get really upset if people don't say a forceful ''happy whatever''.
Today my whole family called me and sent me Christmas videos, and I just find it exhausting and boring.
I try to fake a smile (which is really hard) and say thank you, you too, but it feels terrible and empty.
It's also hard to say I love you back, or I miss you. (Unless I want to say it when I actually feel like it)
I rarely miss people.
After that people would complain about the fact that I am cold and I don't demonstrate to care not even a little bit and that I didn't appreciate that video about that creepy and stupid reindeer singing jingle bell. And then would start they annoying arguments about how young people nowadays are extremely individualists and selfish.
But this also happens with stuff I like.
Yesterday, inside of me, I felt glad I participated in an art exhibition. I just didn't feel nothing like extremely enthusiast, nor found a reason to talk about it. So everyone began to tell me that I don't appreciate it, I don't care about it, that there is a difference between artists that are TRUE, because they love exhibitions and commercial artisans who just care about the money and the people, and I'm probably the second one. Just because I wasn't like YAY about it.
Well, yeah. I do care about the money. I care about the people that follow my art too. I don't need my art to be unique and hung on the Louvre's walls to be considered a true artist by rich people who contemplate meaningless lazy horseshit conceptual art ''masterpiece'' worth thousands of dollars trying to find a deep enlightening meaning in it. Just because that's why bohemian artists do. And they claim that they do not care about the money.
BUT freelance artists like me, who are paid 20 bucks for a realistic digital painting in art-nouveau style that took half a week to get done are commercial and care just about the money and not the art. What the hell. This makes me just feel hatred towards the world.
Well I think that if being a gallery artist is being an actual artist, then I find it extremely boring and pretentious. And if this doesn't make me a true artist I'm okay with it. Even though I always felt I was one. I guess I was wrong.
I do have feelings. But just with a couple of right people.
IS this a problem or just a personality trait? I don't even know.
Sorry about the rant. I don't even know if this is the right section. I just think I may have several psychological problems since I first thought that I was different because I was an INFP but now I am living with the INxP part of my family and I am still the weirdo that gets all the things wrong.
Merry Christmas HAHAHA.