• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

Wanting people to like you (need advice)

ThatsWhatHeSaid

Well-known member
Joined
May 11, 2007
Messages
7,263
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
So I have this problem. I hate hate hate disappointing people. I want them to like me and value me and this affects my authenticity and makes me hyperconscious of my surroundings. I monitor myself for thoughts that could lead to lead to disappointment or a rupture in the relationship, and monitor my surroundings for threats to the relationship. I don't even like thinking bad or disappointing thoughts about people I'm "supposed" to like. I'm not sure why I do that, or whether it's even connected. I can't see the connection if there is one. This doesn't just apply to people I know or care about, but strangers. Even a therapist I saw a few times a couple years ago, where I wanted to be an ideal patient, making breakthroughs left and right. It's a big deal in all of my relationships, especially the intimate ones. What's the connection? Am I just trying to avoid them not liking me?

Also, I'd like to know if anyone here has gotten over this, how they did that, and how they understand the need for admiration/valuation. I'm also open to hearing what people think about this, but please, no type talk (if you're going to address your comments to me only). If you want to share that you do this but have no advice, that's cool.
 

Night

Boring old fossil
Joined
Nov 2, 2007
Messages
4,755
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5/8
It sounds like a root fear of failure.

Social rejection and/or feeling like an outcast isn't always a bad thing. People don't reject as quickly as you presume. Most just want to fit-in.

Obsessive/Compulsive behaviors probably coincide. A fear of being "ugly" or physically maladroit, too.

As I said earlier, you aren't your anxiety. Perfectionism and fear are synonyms. Try to relax your personal expectations. I'd recommend Tonglen, but you're presently studying Buddhist philosophy, anyway.


We aren't what we fear, Edahn.
 

ThatsWhatHeSaid

Well-known member
Joined
May 11, 2007
Messages
7,263
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
It sounds like a root fear of failure.

Social rejection and/or feeling like an outcast isn't always a bad thing. People don't reject as quickly as you presume. Most just want to fit-in.

Obsessive/Compulsive behaviors probably coincide. A fear of being "ugly" or physically maladroit, too.

As I said earlier, you aren't your anxiety. Perfectionism and fear are synonyms. Try to relax your personal expectations. I'd recommend Tonglen, but you're presently studying Buddhist philosophy, anyway.


We aren't what we fear, Edahn.

I just bought a book by Pema Chondron on Tonglen. Thanks Night.
 

IrishStallion819

New member
Joined
Jun 19, 2008
Messages
219
MBTI Type
INFJ
It sounds like u have relatively "low" confidence level/selfesteem issues.... You fear the your not worthwhile/Out of someones league not feeling well when it comes to talking and it makes u second guess your initial "gut" reaction when wanting to confront someone socially....DUde first off u have to believe your worth while person, which I know its harder than me clearly stating it....You have to reflect of all the positive things about yourself and just have the attitude of like... " well if they don't like me for me, then screw them"....Look at the way the world is now....obviously peoples way of dealing with people isn't working and its getting worse....Lifes to short, seriously....For me, I have the same "issues" and I wrestle witht them everyday...Partially because i'm somewhat "self conscious" and alittle on the paranoid.."watching what everyone does" side of things. For me, being in a group of friends and than branching out that way is a huge tool thats worked for me....when people see u talking to other people and socializing.....it makes them want to talk to u and if u can find a common interest or make an interesting observation about them....that'll only lighten the load....but obviously I don't know u personaly and haven't observed your behaviors to clearing give u a specific "battleplan" but just do things that are gunna improve "you" and that'll give that content, worthwhile feeling...I wish u a successful fortune and hope you'll be able to pass on what u experience to others...
 

Ivy

Strongly Ambivalent
Joined
Apr 18, 2007
Messages
23,989
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6
I don't have any advice for you, I just want to say that I have this problem too. Even now, as I write this, I'm anticipating your positive reaction to me commiserating with you.

Bad psyche! Bad! Bad!
 

disregard

mrs
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
7,826
MBTI Type
INFP
I'm curious.. maybe you have a tendency to not like people and to not value them, and you are projecting it onto others?

Because, I tend to like most people and value them for what they do offer and represent as an individual, and I don't have a (prominent) fear of being disliked or undervalued.

I'm thinking there is a line that can be drawn.
 

bluebell

New member
Joined
Apr 30, 2007
Messages
1,485
MBTI Type
INTP
I'm sleep deprived so this is likely to be garbled.

I do this too but I'm gradually getting over it. I tend to watch myself doing it, as in just observe that that's what I'm doing. At work, it's really not appropriate so I have to not follow my natural inclination, especially in difficult meetings. I watch how others act towards each other and realise it's not the end of the world if people dislike each other. All of that = gradually overcoming it.
 

ThatsWhatHeSaid

Well-known member
Joined
May 11, 2007
Messages
7,263
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
I don't have any advice for you, I just want to say that I have this problem too. Even now, as I write this, I'm anticipating your positive reaction to me commiserating with you.

Bad psyche! Bad! Bad!

Right. It's like an underlying feeling in everything that I do. There's this thought that I'm doing it for them, whether or not I actually am.

I'm curious.. maybe you have a tendency to not like people and to not value them, and you are projecting it onto others?

Because, I tend to like most people and value them for what they do offer and represent as an individual, and I don't have a (prominent) fear of being disliked or undervalued.

I'm thinking there is a line that can be drawn.

I notice it goes the other way. When I'm calm inside, I can stop all the judgmentalism that overruns my perception. I get this somewhat from my dad, who's a supersuper cynical attorney. I think it comes from a need to elevate one's self by pushing others down, again, to establish inner worth. But I'm not sure.
 

disregard

mrs
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
7,826
MBTI Type
INFP
There's this thought that I'm doing it for them, whether or not I actually am.

I notice it goes the other way.

Can you expound on both of these?

What is the "it" you refer to...

and expound on your doing something for someone or not for them at all bit.

(my Ne isn't in tip-top shape, and I'm very interested)
 

SillySapienne

`~~Philosoflying~~`
Joined
Jan 14, 2008
Messages
9,801
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4w5
Being like that ironically makes you a shitty person, perhaps that fact could, or will get you to stop.

Nobody likes a brown-noser.

You might be so talented that when you shift, you do so without seeming affected, but if and when anyone detects that you are catering to their desires, surely they'll find your lack of sincerity questionable, to say the least.

Hmm, I think I kind of dealt with this when I was a child in elementary school, I read people quickly and modified myself to become something they would love, it often worked, and I think I did this because I got little to no attention at home.

Eh, but fuck being "well-liked".

And fuck being phony.

*shudders*

What to you value more, popularity or integrity?
 

bluebell

New member
Joined
Apr 30, 2007
Messages
1,485
MBTI Type
INTP
It's fear that underlies it for me. I know where it comes from and it's irrational, so it's more just getting used to the idea that not everyone needs to like me, and then the fear gradually drops.
 

ThatsWhatHeSaid

Well-known member
Joined
May 11, 2007
Messages
7,263
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
Can you expound on both of these?

What is the "it" you refer to...

Before I do that, let me ask a question. What do you think would make me unable to dislike someone?

It's fear that underlies it for me. I know where it comes from and it's irrational, so it's more just getting used to the idea that not everyone needs to like me, and then the fear gradually drops.

What's the underlying fear? Rejection-depression?
 

disregard

mrs
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
7,826
MBTI Type
INFP
Before I do that, let me ask a question. What do you think would make me unable to dislike someone?

An affinity for mankind?

I'm not saying you shouldn't dislike people.. I'm a bit confused.. But go ahead with your reply. An interesting topic indeed.
 

ThatsWhatHeSaid

Well-known member
Joined
May 11, 2007
Messages
7,263
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
An affinity for mankind?

I'm not saying you shouldn't dislike people.. I'm a bit confused.. But go ahead with your reply. An interesting topic indeed.

:) Maybe I misunderstood what you were trying to say.
 

SillySapienne

`~~Philosoflying~~`
Joined
Jan 14, 2008
Messages
9,801
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4w5
What's the underlying fear? Rejection-depression?
Need for positive attention, i.e. affirmation and fear of rejection, those are the underlying motives I think, but then again, I am not you.

You would be doing yourself a disservice by attempting to think or believe that you are acting this way for the benefit of your audience.

I, at times, "contort" or compromise myself to make someone else feel good, but that is an entirely different "issue", one that I don't think you are dealing with here, and one that I don't witness you doing, at least here on the boards.
 

SillySapienne

`~~Philosoflying~~`
Joined
Jan 14, 2008
Messages
9,801
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4w5
I hate hate hate disappointing people. I want them to like me and value me and this affects my authenticity and makes me hyperconscious of my surroundings. I monitor myself for thoughts that could lead to lead to disappointment or a rupture in the relationship, and monitor my surroundings for threats to the relationship. I don't even like thinking bad or disappointing thoughts about people I'm "supposed" to like. I'm not sure why I do that, or whether it's even connected. I can't see the connection if there is one. This doesn't just apply to people I know or care about, but strangers. Even a therapist I saw a few times a couple years ago, where I wanted to be an ideal patient, making breakthroughs left and right.
All I see when I read this is someone who fears themself, their true being and intentions, someone who has an intense fear of being "found out", i.e. "what if the world knew, what if he or she knew, what I *really* thought or felt, how things *really* are?" Perhaps your *nature* is not a light or friendly one, perhaps you have a natural propensity to be mean, and you are hyper-conscious of this fact. Perhaps you are so afraid or ashamed of this fact that you try your hardest to conceal its existence, negate it by acting in opposition to it.

I dunno, just my thoughts.

:/
 

Ivy

Strongly Ambivalent
Joined
Apr 18, 2007
Messages
23,989
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6
Edahn- would you characterize yourself as a child as a "pleaser?" Meaning, did you really do your best to make authority figures proud of you? I did- not because they put undue pressure on me, because they didn't, but because I admired them and wanted them to admire me back.

CC, I don't really think (if it's anything like my problem, at least) that this is about "brown-nosing." I don't see Edahn as a brown-noser, in fact if he senses he needs to be critical to be admired, he'll do that (as will I).
 

Night

Boring old fossil
Joined
Nov 2, 2007
Messages
4,755
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5/8
I don't see Edahn as a brown-noser, in fact if he senses he needs to be critical to be admired, he'll do that (as will I).

This is an important point.
 
Top