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Wanting people to like you (need advice)

ZiL

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Your post is something I can HEAVILY relate to, Edahn. And I'm still trying to pinpoint my problems with this as well.

One of the things I've considered is that part of my need to please people and make them like me has stemmed from specific negative childhood situations. I've noticed on looking back into the past that there were various instances where I'd get an unexpected and unintended negative reaction from someone - relatives and friends. For example, I'd be making a harmless joke, or just trying to be friendly when all of the sudden someone would blindside me with an angry reaction that I felt was out of proportion to the situation. Or as many children do when they want to be "cool," a person whom I thought was my friend would turn around and start being a jerk the next day. I never did that to people as a child - I was pretty sensitive and empathetic - but when people did it to me I couldn't make head or tails of it, and it scared me. It scared me that I could just be minding my own business, and someone could suddenly come at me with a negative reaction that I never would have expected. Kind of like when you're driving along at the speed limit and some Jeff Gordon-wannabee comes flying past you flicking you off. It's like - what did I do to provoke that (besides driving the speed limit, which isn't some heinous crime)? The possibilities for interpersonal chaos terrified me from a young age. The fact that I can't predict the behavior of others, and that just because I act one way doesn't mean the other person will follow.

I believe these experiences might have something to do with my seeking approval from others. By being nice to people, I'm trying at all costs to avoid those unexpected negative reactions. I'm charming to disarm. I see negative possibilities in every interpersonal relationship, and I become overly paranoid, seeing negatives where there are none, blaming myself for things that might have more to do with the emotional state of the other person.

I too was a pleaser as a child - I wanted teachers to respect me and not treat me like an idiot. Trying to equalize authority is still something I do now.

I genuinely enjoy being around others when I feel a level of safety has been reached; I love that feeling of togetherness. But till that point, I can be very socially anxious and overly paranoid about the intentions of others. I hope we can all get ourselves on to a path of training to stop this behavior, because it does suck.
 

ThatsWhatHeSaid

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I actually was unable to watch American Idol for several years because of the way Simon insults people the way he does,
and I really cannot for the life of me understand why they show the awful auditions of people singing bad, just so they can publicly humiliate them.

However, far from being able to please people the way you say you try to do, I was convinced that I would never be able to please people and so went through life self-sabotaging every relationship... doing and saying stupid things that would make people reject me... so that I could be in control of the rejection, presumably. I was frustrated because I couldn't stop myself.

...

My coping mechanism is the grieving process.

[/COLOR]

That was a great post. I definitely feel like parts of me have died in relationships. Actually, that's the basic feeling I have when I get anxious or try to get people to like me, because I manufacture a false self and sacrifice my real self.

What situations will make you grieve?

Thank you so much. I can see how part of the forgiveness will have to be forgiving myself for treating me like ass.

it probably has to do with something in your childhood -- for me, i overcompensate for not getting enough positive reinforcement as a child. i learned to navigate my relationships in a strategic way (with the goal of avoiding disappointing others) very early on.

i think it actually boils down to a feeling that everyone is more fragile than you are -- which maybe suggests something about your childhood? you accept the emotional reactions of others but don't accept your own. you think of yourself as separate from everyone -- they're allowed to have feelings and you aren't.

it's at least that way for me, and all i know is that i have to learn to value my own feelings more and stop thinking of myself as such a robot.

Can you elaborate on that? It's very very true. How does it relate to you needing approval from others?

[post and stories from childhood]

I have the same history of unanticipated angry responses and I also do the paranoid thing. Great post.
 

nolla

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I just wanted to say I'm starting to love this place. :) This thread is by far the largest concentration of common wisdom I have seen. It's great to see you all draw possible solutions from your own life, which is the "subject" you are most familiar with.

I have experienced this also, but I really have nothing to add. Very thorough of you people.
 

arcticangel02

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Awesome responses. dissonance, what you said is making me think about some stuff. Thanks.

I figured out that the reason I don't like not feeling good about people is that I think I'm supposed to, and that not feeling good is a sign of anxiety, and that in my mind I force myself to fix that instantaneously.

As for needing people's approval, I was thinking today about how much I hate watching people get embarrassed. I can't even watch it on TV, like when Leno interviews people and asks them easy stupid questions. I have to change the channel because the feeling I get are overwhelming. It makes me think that I'm just very sensitive to feeling rejection. Even seeing it in another person will trigger certain circuits and memories and feelings that are very intense, for which I still don't have the courage to face or a good coping mechanism to work with.

I recognise this feeling - I have a tendancy to skitter away emotionally from anyone I suspect (whether accurately or not) of liking me in a romantic sense: I fear having to let them down because I'm not exactly sure of what I feel. Better to distance myself and not have to deal with it. (And as far as watching stuff on TV? I find it difficult to listen to prank calls or whatever that involve an innocent person... something about it just makes me cringe.) But yeah, disappointing others is worse than being disappointed myself.

My suggestion would be just to watch yourself - pay attention to when your mind suddenly feels the need to overcorrect and overcompensate when dealing with other people. Don't try and resist it, but just pay attention to it and try and understand it. Maybe then you can start to relax the grip. :)
 

Siúil a Rúin

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i weigh loyalties/specifics, and then figure out a way to explain myself to both people. i try to reach the best compromise possible, but i end up factoring myself out too much.
I enjoyed reading your entire post. My primary concern for people who focus on pleasing others is the fact that we have such limited control over what happens externally. Placing one's identity in anything that is determined outside of self creates such uncertainty. Whether it is people liking us, winning awards, striking respect or fear in others, etc. we can't determine the outcome, but can only influence it. People find a variety of ways to control the responses of others - to make them more predictable. Some people try to elicit positive responses, some withdraw to ensure no response, while others take an antagonistic approach to ensure a negative response. It can all be based on the same fear of the unpredictability of others. There is some value in letting go of what we cannot control. It is helpful to focus on doing our best to achieve whatever result as opposed to measuring ourselves based on outcomes.

As a side note, your username is interesting in contrast to your natural inclinations to create harmony. It makes you kinda interesting. :party2:

...As for needing people's approval, I was thinking today about how much I hate watching people get embarrassed. I can't even watch it on TV, like when Leno interviews people and asks them easy stupid questions. I have to change the channel because the feeling I get are overwhelming. It makes me think that I'm just very sensitive to feeling rejection. Even seeing it in another person will trigger certain circuits and memories and feelings that are very intense, for which I still don't have the courage to face or a good coping mechanism to work with.
I found this interesting and something i can relate to to some degree. During my first year at a particular university i became rather depressed on watching negative dynamics amongst other people. The negativity was not directed at me, but i found that irrelevant. If someone is willing to hurt another person in some particular way - backstab, embarrass, ridicule, etc., I know that they would treat me the same way given the right circumstances. In that way, i don't see much difference between rejection of myself or someone else. The aspect of disapproval of others that hurts me the most tends to be this reminder that there are so many overwhelming negative dynamics that exists which i can't conquer, but can only avoid or make feeble attempts to fix. When one person insults me out of the blue it reminds me of how such things exist everywhere. Those moments i find these within myself are particularly demoralizing. That is why I attempt to remain somewhat open to any living thing, even if it is cruel and beyond my ability to embrace. Even if i don't like what they do or how they make me feel, i can at least remain curious about their experience with a desire to understand. I have found that the more I can understand, the less desire there is to hate or punish. It is different from actually embracing, but it does produce peace.
 

Mole

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If someone is willing to hurt another person in some particular way - backstab, embarrass, ridicule, etc., I know that they would treat me the same way given the right circumstances.

This is very important because we are all inclined to think it won't happen to me. But if they will do it to someone else, they will do it to you.

So it is worthwhile watching how people behave because that is how they will treat you.
 

redacted

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I've noticed on looking back into the past that there were various instances where I'd get an unexpected and unintended negative reaction from someone - relatives and friends. For example, I'd be making a harmless joke, or just trying to be friendly when all of the sudden someone would blindside me with an angry reaction that I felt was out of proportion to the situation. Or as many children do when they want to be "cool," a person whom I thought was my friend would turn around and start being a jerk the next day. I never did that to people as a child - I was pretty sensitive and empathetic - but when people did it to me I couldn't make head or tails of it, and it scared me. It scared me that I could just be minding my own business, and someone could suddenly come at me with a negative reaction that I never would have expected.

this was the exact story of my childhood too, except it was my mom who would blow up at me all the time over random nonsense (like seriously everyday).

i learned to think of it in a more strategic way over time -- i'd try to read her moods and analyze everything i wanted to say before actually saying it, holding most things back. and of course, since my parents are my prototypes for thinking about people (as a psychological truism), i applied that mentality across the board.

but the problem with thinking of it that way is this: if it's a game of strategy, there's a right move and a wrong move. and that means i can always figure out the right move given enough time. so instead of being able to live in the moment, i'm always withdrawing and analyzing before participating.

another huge problem is that if something goes wrong, i blame myself -- i immediately see my own "play-mistake" (to use a card game term). it's obvious that if i only did this one thing differently, my "position" in the game would be better.

of course, i don't keep this metaphor in my mind consciously all the time. but i really do think of it as me navigating a somewhat arbitrary game where everyone else defines the rules. and my job is to be the best player possible...

As for needing people's approval, I was thinking today about how much I hate watching people get embarrassed. I can't even watch it on TV, like when Leno interviews people and asks them easy stupid questions. I have to change the channel because the feeling I get are overwhelming. It makes me think that I'm just very sensitive to feeling rejection. Even seeing it in another person will trigger certain circuits and memories and feelings that are very intense, for which I still don't have the courage to face or a good coping mechanism to work with.

i definitely get this when watching other people too. for example, i seriously have to leave the room several times an episode while watching the office. i'm the type of person that gets more embarrassed for someone else than they do for themselves.

dissonance said:
i think it actually boils down to a feeling that everyone is more fragile than you are -- which maybe suggests something about your childhood? you accept the emotional reactions of others but don't accept your own. you think of yourself as separate from everyone -- they're allowed to have feelings and you aren't.

Can you elaborate on that? It's very very true. How does it relate to you needing approval from others?

well, what I’m trying to say is, you feel like an alien among these random irrational beings. and since you think of yourself as different, you think that you have some obligation to protect them from “harm”. it’s as if you’re an adult in a world of toddlers. they’re all so fragile.

you want their approval like a father wants his children to love him. you want them to be thankful for the role you’re playing.

and if they reject you, given that parent/child metaphor, it means you haven’t taken the right “parenting” approach. so you blame yourself.

I enjoyed reading your entire post. My primary concern for people who focus on pleasing others is the fact that we have such limited control over what happens externally. Placing one's identity in anything that is determined outside of self creates such uncertainty. Whether it is people liking us, winning awards, striking respect or fear in others, etc. we can't determine the outcome, but can only influence it. People find a variety of ways to control the responses of others - to make them more predictable. Some people try to elicit positive responses, some withdraw to ensure no response, while others take an antagonistic approach to ensure a negative response. It can all be based on the same fear of the unpredictability of others. There is some value in letting go of what we cannot control. It is helpful to focus on doing our best to achieve whatever result as opposed to measuring ourselves based on outcomes.

oh, I fully agree. i would love to not care so much. it’s something i’m going to have to work on throughout my life, i’m sure.

As a side note, your username is interesting in contrast to your natural inclinations to create harmony. It makes you kinda interesting. :party2:

:)
 

cascadeco

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Wow...lots of responses...I don't have the patience to read through them all right now. Maybe another time.

But just regarding the OP - I can relate to much of what you have written, and I think it's something that will always be hovering under the surface for me, as it's something I've always struggled with. There have been times where I have reached a 'place' where it hasn't been an issue, but it pops it's ugly head up at me more often than I like to admit. I recognize when it happens.

I think it's human to want people to like you. I think it is a raw feeling, and I think for anyone it can hurt when you are rejected -- when someone openly rejects you, or takes the more passive approach by simply ignoring you. Yes, rationally, the thing to do is to tell yourself that it's impossible for everyone to like you -- it's just not gonna happen. But rationalizing it doesn't get rid of the hurt, or the feelings themselves.

At one time, I got rid of this feeling by putting up a cynical wall to deflect all of it -- I distanced myself from others so that I 'wouldn't care' if I was rejected (even though it was an illusion that I didn't care - deep down I did, but I rationalized it so much and the cynicism deflected most everything and I could think badly of others instead of facing my own hurt).

I dunno. Personally I feel that I'm authentically me, and that doubles the hurt when I'm rejected - because it's ME that's being rejected. But..I just think it's what it is to be human.

I don't think I helped a bit with this post.
 

ThatsWhatHeSaid

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What makes you think people have expectations of you in the first place?

I guess I imagine them already being there. Kind of like wanting to be the best student. Your teacher is expecting you to do well.

And if they do, why are those expectations as important as your own?

Good Q, but I don't think of it logically. All these things happen subconsciously. My fear of fucking up and being undervalued, I guess, leads me to make decisions that are not in my ultimate best interests, just immediate best interests.
 

bluebell

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this was the exact story of my childhood too, except it was my mom who would blow up at me all the time over random nonsense (like seriously everyday).

i learned to think of it in a more strategic way over time -- i'd try to read her moods and analyze everything i wanted to say before actually saying it, holding most things back. and of course, since my parents are my prototypes for thinking about people (as a psychological truism), i applied that mentality across the board.

but the problem with thinking of it that way is this: if it's a game of strategy, there's a right move and a wrong move. and that means i can always figure out the right move given enough time. so instead of being able to live in the moment, i'm always withdrawing and analyzing before participating.

another huge problem is that if something goes wrong, i blame myself -- i immediately see my own "play-mistake" (to use a card game term). it's obvious that if i only did this one thing differently, my "position" in the game would be better.

of course, i don't keep this metaphor in my mind consciously all the time. but i really do think of it as me navigating a somewhat arbitrary game where everyone else defines the rules. and my job is to be the best player possible...

Again, I competely relate to this. And I know this is where my issues with this has come from too. It helps me if I look at it objectively - that I needed to do this growing up (to physically survive - there was violence when I was little, hence the fear of death is wrapped up in this for me as well), but I'm safe now and nothing can happen to me if someone doesn't like me. It is hard to fight the 'it's the end of the world, how can I fix this NOW' feeling because it can be overwhelming, but looking at it objectively, without judging, does gradually take the edge off it.

Edahn - this is the sort of thing my earlier question was trying to get at. What is the underlying cause of this for you? What does it mean if someone doesn't like you?
 

Neuro

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I too relate to much of what has been said here. For me a big issue is just speaking. I am obsessed with the power of words and often agonise about what I say and the manner in which I say it. It is totally irrational but I have come to believe that the way I communicate is somehow wrong. This of course leaves very little room for natural sponteneity.
For me it relates to what I think they call ontological insecurity. I sometimes feel completely overwhelmed by other people and doubt my ability to retain a strong sense of identity around others.
 

Neuro

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Sorry I accidentally hit enter. A book that I woud recommend if you can get it is Beyond Fear by Dorothy Rowe. She talks alot about intoverts and extroverts and their core needs. I only mention this because a lot of what people have been saying here reflects what she says about introverts. She says what intoverts fear most is chaos and that other people can often be sources of chaos because they are so unpredictable. A reay excellent read if you can find it.
 

aguanile

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Awesome responses. dissonance, what you said is making me think about some stuff. Thanks.

I figured out that the reason I don't like not feeling good about people is that I think I'm supposed to, and that not feeling good is a sign of anxiety, and that in my mind I force myself to fix that instantaneously.

As for needing people's approval, I was thinking today about how much I hate watching people get embarrassed. I can't even watch it on TV, like when Leno interviews people and asks them easy stupid questions. I have to change the channel because the feeling I get are overwhelming. It makes me think that I'm just very sensitive to feeling rejection. Even seeing it in another person will trigger certain circuits and memories and feelings that are very intense, for which I still don't have the courage to face or a good coping mechanism to work with.


That hits right home for me. I do the same thing. I cannot stand watching others get embarrassed. I don't even watch the auditions for American Idol. I guess I feel like it is me up there with them.
 

Tallulah

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Your post is something I can HEAVILY relate to, Edahn. And I'm still trying to pinpoint my problems with this as well.

One of the things I've considered is that part of my need to please people and make them like me has stemmed from specific negative childhood situations. I've noticed on looking back into the past that there were various instances where I'd get an unexpected and unintended negative reaction from someone - relatives and friends. For example, I'd be making a harmless joke, or just trying to be friendly when all of the sudden someone would blindside me with an angry reaction that I felt was out of proportion to the situation. Or as many children do when they want to be "cool," a person whom I thought was my friend would turn around and start being a jerk the next day. I never did that to people as a child - I was pretty sensitive and empathetic - but when people did it to me I couldn't make head or tails of it, and it scared me. It scared me that I could just be minding my own business, and someone could suddenly come at me with a negative reaction that I never would have expected. Kind of like when you're driving along at the speed limit and some Jeff Gordon-wannabee comes flying past you flicking you off. It's like - what did I do to provoke that (besides driving the speed limit, which isn't some heinous crime)? The possibilities for interpersonal chaos terrified me from a young age. The fact that I can't predict the behavior of others, and that just because I act one way doesn't mean the other person will follow.

I believe these experiences might have something to do with my seeking approval from others. By being nice to people, I'm trying at all costs to avoid those unexpected negative reactions. I'm charming to disarm. I see negative possibilities in every interpersonal relationship, and I become overly paranoid, seeing negatives where there are none, blaming myself for things that might have more to do with the emotional state of the other person.

I too was a pleaser as a child - I wanted teachers to respect me and not treat me like an idiot. Trying to equalize authority is still something I do now.

I genuinely enjoy being around others when I feel a level of safety has been reached; I love that feeling of togetherness. But till that point, I can be very socially anxious and overly paranoid about the intentions of others. I hope we can all get ourselves on to a path of training to stop this behavior, because it does suck.

Oh, wow. This point hit me hard. This is exactly my childhood. I had great parents and a great sister, but there were a few "friends" in my life that would just turn on me out of nowhere, and it made me socially anxious and mistrustful of people I didn't know well. I started becoming more independent, more self-reliant, and started making people have to hang around me for a LONG time before I considered them trustworthy enough to open up to. I was always afraid that the rules would change, or they'd read my shyness as snobbery, or something along those lines. One example, in junior high one day, I was standing around in a group with friends, and just mostly listening. This girl who was sort of aggressive and frankly intimidated me, since I was a shy kid, just out of the blue looked at me and said, "You just think you're so much better than everyone else, don't you?" And this was the first thing this girl had EVER said to me. I mean, where does that come from, and how do you even respond to that? So now I'm HYPER sensitive to acting friendly, so nobody gets their emotional panties in a wad. I had lots of weird things like that happen when I was a kid.

Even knowing the root, I still struggle with trusting people to this day. I fear rejection and want people to like me, whether I objectively like them or not. As someone else in the thread said, it's almost like a game of saying the right thing to avoid negative consequences. I love hanging out with people that I feel comfortable with, but the rest of the social world feels like a minefield sometimes, and I know a lot of that is fearing rejection and feeling like I don't know the rules. Most of the time, I just try to keep things light and use humor to show that I'm not a threat. Frankly, I'm okay with accepting that I don't like certain people and that not everyone has to be best friends. But then people get their feelings hurt and you still have a problem.
 

MacGuffin

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Everyone on this thread needs hugs.

For reals.

:hug:
 

runvardh

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ThatsWhatHeSaid

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Edahn - this is the sort of thing my earlier question was trying to get at. What is the underlying cause of this for you? What does it mean if someone doesn't like you?

I can't say. In fact, I'm not even sure there was a single event. Both my parents have issues with pleasing people, but it manifests in different ways. My mother placates, and my dad criticizes others and builds himself into something invisible and invaluable (narcissism). I have a few experiences from when I was young, but nothing close to death. Maybe just intense fear and depression (short).
 

INTJMom

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Sorry I accidentally hit enter. A book that I woud recommend if you can get it is Beyond Fear by Dorothy Rowe. She talks alot about intoverts and extroverts and their core needs. I only mention this because a lot of what people have been saying here reflects what she says about introverts. She says what intoverts fear most is chaos and that other people can often be sources of chaos because they are so unpredictable. A reay excellent read if you can find it.
Wow. That's VERY true for me! I didn't think it was because I am an introvert, though. I thought it was because I have a one track mind, and too much chaos makes me feel confused and unsettled.
 
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